Waning Moon
by Joanneswift
Summary: This is the story of what could have been and might still be. It picks up precisely at the end of Eclipse. How do you choose between two good things? Rated T for language and eventual sexual scenes. Canon with a gradual AU. Bella grows up!
1. Jacob

**A/N:** _First off, thank you for checking out my story. This is for all of you out there who, like me, felt robbed after reading Breaking Dawn, wishing for a different outcome. S. Meyer went through a lot of trouble writing her last book, but I don't feel it was written for me. She clearly wrote it for her and that's fine. I'm not anti-Edward but I don't feel she ended it well. To me, it didn't fit in with the rest of her books, everything we've come to know about her characters and their world was conveniently changed and/or forgotten. There were more plot holes and questions by the end of the book than were going in. I could have lived with Bella ending up with Edward IF Meyer had convinced me that that was the most natural, ideal course, but it never felt "honest." It felt contrived. My story picks up at the end of Eclipse and progresses from there. I've tried to keep the characters and situations close to the books but ONLY the first three and only to a degree. Things like cursing and technology and real life reactions to things were uncharacteristically absent in her books, so I've added them to my story, hopefully it's not too distracting. Also, any information added after the fact by S. Meyer in interviews, her website, wiki pages, or her other works have not been included here. I have read some and I've abstained from using them on the basis that it gives me a little more leeway to write my version. (So basically if it isn't in the first three books you won't see it here. Just my version.) Also, my story will bear no resemblance to Breaking Dawn at all, I hope that's okay. The differences will be noticeable but hopefully nothing too sudden or outlandish, it's a process. This is not intended to be three-to-four books long with a dozen sequels. This is it, the finale. This is intended to go the way I thought the final installment should have gone if it had stayed true to the previous books' plot and characters and the direction they were heading. I needed finality, I needed closure and I needed an ending I could believe actually could have happened. That's not to say there aren't other equally fitting versions out there, but this one is mine and I'm sticking to it lol. I thank Mrs. Meyer from the bottom of my heart for giving us all such rich characters to work with. Even though I don't believe Breaking Dawn was written for me, I still appreciate all the work she put into it and what sort of internalization a person goes through when writing the final book in a series. She probably didn't want to let it go lol. _

* * *

**Jacob**

* * *

_Regress:_

_1. the act of going back; return.  
2._ _to revert to an earlier or less advanced state or form_

* * *

Just two weeks into his very "public convalescence" Jacob was already going stir crazy.

Sitting in his living room, watching yet another movie, he was getting bored.

"Convalescing sucks," he muttered, using Dr. Cullen's word.

As if it isn't bad enough that he has to pretend to be healing (when in fact he was all but completely healed just days after the battle), sitting and doing nothing gave him a lot of time to think, the exact thing he really didn't want to do. There's just no way to keep the mind busy when it's already crammed full of something else..._someone else_.

_I never used to have a hard time saying or thinking her name before_, he thought, shaking his head.

Reading seemed to only make it worse. Even non-romance stories have some element of love or sex in them. The more he read about other people's situations the more he thought about his own and TV was no better. Disgusted with the lack of anything to watch, he clicked the OFF button. Still sitting on the couch, he ran his hands through his now shoulder-length hair, closed his eyes and tried to not think of past events. But the more he tried to _not_ think of her, the more he did.

He tried to _not_ think of her while remembering how they shared some pretty intense kissing on the mountain. He tried to _not_ think of her when thoughts of the battle ran through his mind, and he desperately tried to _not_ think of her the last time he saw her, in his room saying goodbye.

Another reason for trying to force all thoughts of her out of his head is because it was hard to think of one and not the other, and the very thought of _him_ made Jacob's blood boil. "The other" of course was the_ treacherous leech,_ to use Jacob's word, Edward Cullen. A low guttural noise stumbled out every time his name was either spoken or thought of.

Ever since the battle in the clearing, the pack have been talking of nothing else, much to Jacob's dismay. He didn't need any more reminders. The guys even stopped coming over because Jacob kept throwing them out. Every time he turned around it was, the vampires this and the pack did that. He couldn't even work on his car on the off chance that Charlie might stop by and visit. A regular person with as many injuries as Jacob had wouldn't be in any kind of shape to work on his car. It was maddening.

He was actually glad when the vamp doc extraordinaire, Carlisle, forbad him from changing into his wolf form until they were sure that all of his 39 fractures were healed correctly. If it was just a fracture and the bones hadn't broken through, they could heal on their own. But there were plenty of bones that weren't only broken, they were crushed. Some of the bones were shattered so severely they had pierced through muscle, cartilage and skin and were dangerously close to puncturing some organs. Anyone else would have died from shock.

He couldn't even run around in human form for fear of being seen by some stray camper or hunter. It's just as well he couldn't make the change. He definitely wasn't in the mood to share his thoughts right now, with anyone.

It was strange having a "vampire" as his physician. Aside from the smell, each time Carlisle had to go in and re-break a bone that had set wrong was a test in not only strength for Jacob but willpower for the pack. Even stranger than that was how being around him didn't instill the same hate and instinctual behavior that the other Cullens seem to induce. Still, to sit by and watch a vampire effortlessly break Jacob's bones in front of the wolves disturbed them. It took great trust and strength on the wolves part not to do what came naturally.

But Carlisle really is different. Bella had told Jacob so, but it took something like this for him to see it. It didn't occur to him until later that this was probably every bit as uncomfortable for Carlisle as it was for the wolves. They literally couldn't have gone anywhere else for this kind of care. The pack was grateful to him, as were the Blacks.

Jacob could feel the tender spot over his knee that Carlisle had re-set just the day before. This memory flooded back to him:

"Well, it's all looking really good, Jacob," Carlisle smiled as he was putting the finishing touches on the bandage over Jacob's knee. "We have nearly all of your fractures aligned properly now so your recuperative powers can do its job. As long as you don't move around too much for a few more days or transform, it all should repair itself. It'll be as if nothing happened. It really is amazing to watch how you boys heal. It's like nothing we Cullens have ever seen. Even to a vampire it seems almost instantaneous. _We_ heal very differently. We certainly heal fast by human standards and we can almost completely undo any kind of injury, but it can take days, even weeks to completely reassemble. But you boys..." Carlisle shook his head. "And I thought we had seen everything. Vampires are hard to surprise or shock," he said, chuckling to himself.

Carlisle was clearly trying to pay Jacob a compliment, and Jacob could tell the good doctor was really trying. Jacob smiled back but only a little. Carlisle really does seem like a nice guy and a good physician, but Jacob wasn't really in a socializing mood these days. Carlisle seemed to understand, and they were both careful not to mention any of the events of that fateful day in the clearing or the events to follow, even though some masochistic part of himself really wanted to. He was sure Carlisle had heard everything there was to hear from Edward and maybe Bella, too, by now.

Jacob knew he wouldn't be seeing either one of them any time soon, but somewhere in his heart he did hope to see Bella again. Hope is an ugly word. He didn't like how it made him feel like things were possible when he knew it wasn't. Because even though somewhere inside he really did want to see her, he knew she would only come out of pity, and nothing would be different. He really didn't want to go through that again. He didn't like the look in her eyes the last time he saw her.

He only wanted to see her if she came to say she had changed her mind or had some other unlikely epiphany. And for this reason, even though he wanted to see her, a large part of him knew he shouldn't. Too much has been said. Too much has been done. They could never go back to being what they were and they would never be what they ought to have been. It was hell.

Knowing Carlisle saw her on a daily basis and knowing that he was Jacob's only link to her made being around him that much harder, because during every second of every doctor's visit, Jacob was tempted to ask about her.

"_It'll be as if nothing happened…_"

Jacob marveled at those words. In fact, so much had happened it was hard to remember it all, and almost nothing he cared to remember. _I wish nothing had happened_, Jacob thought. _I wish all of it hadn't happened_.

Feeling agitated, Jacob got up to pace the room. His living room was small but he didn't care, moving was moving.

_It's almost worth it to not be able to change, just to keep from hearing Seth go on and on about HIM. __Of course Seth is just a kid still, but one fight with a baby Drac and all of a sudden his high step is a little higher and he thinks he's really something._ _That pup better bring himself down to earth before I remind him just how far down the totem pole he really is,_ he thought, fuming.

But always having a soft spot in his heart for Seth, he really couldn't blame the kid too much for how he felt towards the vampires. After all, Seth didn't fight alongside his pack, _he fought with Edward_, Jacob rationalized.

_They were a team__. Naturally the kid's gonna feel some kind of something about that. Maybe I'm a little jealous, Seth used to idolize me once upon a time,_ he thought, resentfully.

* * *

More time passed but not much, not enough to matter. After Jacob received the happy couple's wedding invitation, he no longer cared about appearances anymore and removed himself from the pack. This isn't unusual behavior for guys, certainly not teenage guys. But Jacob was more than just a teenager, yet not quite a man either. And while the wolf did not define him, as he reviled the wolf on occasion, today he needed it more than anything.

The wolf could take him places no one could go, in every possible way. The last thing Jacob needed was an audience to watch his pain, and the last thing he wanted was to accidentally bump into Bella or her beloved nest of killers.

He had had a pretty tough six months already, and it was only getting worse. It was a strange, lonely time for him.

Being a wolf has its advantages, and running away from your problems, as a wolf, is a little different than what humans do. Nobody expected Jacob to come back right away and he was certainly big enough to take care of himself, but they still worried. There are many dangers out there for a lone wolf to get into. If he runs into trouble he will have no help from his pack, no one to talk to when he's lonely and no one would know if he's seriously hurt or dying. It's the loneliest kind of existence there is, and that's what Jacob loved about it. Among the things he hoped to find in the wilderness was the kind of peace he simply could not get at home.

But there were a lot of miles to go before that would happen. Feeling better is simply too far in the future and out of his reach. The best he could hope for is to feel numb and he so wanted to feel numb. So for now, he did the only thing he knew to do. He, _and the wolf_, would run.

_Running_, hunting. _Running_, sleeping_. Running_, swimming, and then _run_ some more. Day in, day out. It was freeing in a way that cannot be described. As long as he ran he didn't have to feel, or think. As a wolf alone in the wilderness, there was no room in his head for human thought. Without the security of the pack around him, it was a good way to get careless and get himself killed.

The day-to-day, moment-to-moment wolf existence is repetitive, addictive, and neverending. But even the day-to-day monotony that he sought would get boring and human thoughts would trickle in. _I don't need anyone or anything else, but I need this_, Jacob justified. Even as a wolf he couldn't not think of Bella and the events that separated them, but the longer he was a wolf without changing back to human, the easier it was to somehow separate himself from his past life - to watch all of the memories and thoughts from outside of himself - _as if looking through someone else's eyes_. Like a movie.

_I feel bad for that poor dumb guy,_ Jacob, he thought._ He seemed like a nice enough guy, just had lousy timing is all and just didn't have a clue,_ the wolf thought.

_It all makes perfect sense to me now._ _All the little mistakes, all the places Jacob could have pulled back and didn't. All the stupid things he said and shouldn't have said. Bella was upfront from the get-go, and this poor dumb guy just kept beating his head against a brick wall, expecting something to change. What was he thinking?_

_Why couldn't he see what was plain in front of his face? All the signs were there? It's not like she lied to him or lead him on, exactly. I mean, she needed him, right? What was he supposed to do, turn her away? She needed him like she needed air. She knew how he felt about her and she kept coming back, she kept going to extremes to see him. Was that wrong? I know they were friends and just friends, but is that how friends who are just friends act? She didn't have other friends she could have leaned on in that dinky little town? And what about Leech Boy and his whole bloodsucking, murderous family? No, she wanted Jacob, and her cake too. What a bitch!_

_Why was she going to such lengths to be with Jacob if he wasn't at least as important to her as her tick fiance? Maybe SHE doesn't even know. Dang, and she seemed so smart. Maybe her tunnel vision blinded her. She never even saw Jacob, not really. She didn't even see her own feelings until the very end, and then it was too late. Her mind was made up like it's set in stone or something. Like it wasn't even up to her to change it. It's so weird._

_Jacob shouldn't have kissed her on the beach that's for sure, that was stupid. Jacob should be ashamed. Not one of your smarter moves, dummy_. _He must have completely misread her. What was he thinking? Maybe only one part of him was doing the thinking._

Jacob laughed a wolfy laugh.

Hunting proved unsuccessful tonight so he was making his way to a bed of needles that he had been using off and on for sleep. It wasn't completely in the open but the trees spread out enough to see the sky, which was the only thing that gave him comfort now. Even the wind was different for him now. It used to be something he would really enjoy back home - the feeling of a cool breeze blowing through his fur. Even as a human he found it relaxing, but now it only served to antagonize him. With exceptional hearing means never sleeping well. Every time the wind blew through the trees meant pine cones being tossed to the ground or birds fluttering to keep hold of the branches they were perched on, Jacob heard it all. He was only able to get an hour or two of sleep at a time. As usual, the trees swayed mercilessly like gentle giants whispering to each other.

Knowing he wasn't going to get any sleep he rolled onto his side and looked at the moon rising. Judging by the phase it was in, it had been two weeks since he left, but it felt so much longer. Jacob was beginning to feel the effects of his loneliness. It had to be around the middle of July now, he wasn't sure. He never actually noticed the date of the wedding on the invitation, but he knew it would be soon. He knew Bella.

_Why put it off if you don't have to? And knowing Bella she'd want to hurry up and get it over with_.

It wasn't just Bella he missed. He missed his dad, his friends, his pack, the life he knew. He missed the simplicity of his before-life, _before_ the change, _before_ Bells. He felt bad knowing that he let some silly girl run him off of his homeland, away from the support of his family. Even though this wasn't just any girl, he knew that wasn't an excuse. People were relying on him, plus they had to be worried about him by now. Jacob had traveled further than the pack mind link could reach. He was truly and utterly alone and the pack had no way of knowing how or where he was - or if he was even alive.

He had to go back - it was time. But he didn't know how he was going to be able to face it all when he returned. Being a wolf numbed the pain to a bearable state. He would miss this. What will he feel when he's human again? What will he find? Will it be as hard as it was before? Will everything remind him of her? Maybe things have changed.

_Maybe some miracle happened and the bats all ate each other,_ he chuckled. While Jacob enjoyed that thought, another one hit him just as hard..._Or maybe Bella is married now and has red eyes…with sparkly white skin that feels as cold and hard as the rock she now wore on her wrist, the rock from her beloved Edward_…._worn on the very same bracelet _**_I_**_ gave her!_

Suddenly realizing his own pain again and no longer able to believe the pretense his mind created, a scream of distress rocked Jacob back to the present. More shocking than that was realizing it was his pain, his voice he was hearing. The human emotions and pain forced itself away from the wolf mind, no longer able to protect him.

His mind was reeling. He could see it all clearly now. The very thought of his bracelet being defiled was enough to make Jacob shudder and ache with every feeling he had denied himself the past four weeks. He felt physical pain, like lava burning him from the tips of his ears to the claws in his feet, but it was his human heart that hurt the most. Even as a wolf, Jacob was in agony. He wanted desperately for it to stop, but no amount of screaming helped.

The Wolf, being rendered useless and pushed out by Jacob's human emotions, transformed back into his former self. He lay on the ground, shaking and weary, and unprotected. He tried to push himself up but it was no use. He fell to the ground and lay helpless. If something had attacked him right at that moment it probably could have finished him because he had no strength to fight anyone, nor the will.

The mountains of British Columbia were breathtaking. He could almost forget the reason he came here. But all the beauty and majesty around him made him miss her that much more. It was a never-ending lonely cycle, one where he realized there eventually comes a time when you meet yourself in this lonely place and realize you don't like what you see or what you've become. He did not find what he came here to find. The peace he thought he'd found was an illusion. How could he be at peace, when he was the very thing he was running from?

As the sun was setting, just when the last of the day's warmth could be felt, another heart-wrenching, soulful cry cut through the chilled air of the snowcapped mountains of B.C, echoing for miles. A herd of moose simultaneously turned their heads, becoming anxious and scattered into the thick underbrush to safety, kicking up snow, dirt and grass as they retreated.

A full moon was rising over the mountains.

* * *

I was looking around for a picture that would express the sentiment of this chapter and I think I finally found one. The lovely Miss apache-cat has given me the use of her picture. I obviously can't post it here but I can put the link to her pic at her profile at deviant art. Please check it out. Thanks again AC! gallery/?offset=72#/d2egwz2

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_

_V__isit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www.. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!… _


	2. Bella

***Thank you for my comments so far! I didn't expect any quite so soon and it just made my week :D***

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

* * *

**Bella**

_Friday, July 16._

_Sitting at my desk alone in my room at the moment - it's one of the few times I am alone. It's 2:30 in the morning and the house is quiet. All except for my thoughts that is_.

_It's been two weeks since Jacob left and I haven't heard anything about him from the others. I've got my spies on the rez who keep me informed more or less about the goings-on there - with Billy, with Sam and Emily, with the pack's dramas, just everyone really - but no one's heard anything about Jacob._

_Where is he? Seth said Sam made the order for the pack to not shift for a few days giving Jacob some time to himself. The last time anyone seems to have had any contact with him he was somewhere in British Columbia going north, that's when all communication went quiet. What could this mean? I'm guessing it's because their pack mind link only goes so far. But I heard Jacob say once that they could go as far as 300 miles with no problems. So does this mean he's gone further than that? Where's he going? What else could cut off the mind link to the pack? Maybe he's been...?_

_Maybe he's just gone out of range, yeah I bet that's it_. _I can't let myself worry too much about it but I just don't know how to do that. I know I worry about some pretty "irrational" things sometimes, as Edward and Alice are always telling me, but I mean, what am I suppose to think when I have nothing else to go on __except __my vivid imagination? And I can imagine some pretty wild things. Jacob knows this! Why would he put me through all of this knowing I'll worry about him? Would his pack know if he were in trouble? Could they help if they did? He knows, or at least I hope he knows, that I would be there in a heartbeat if he needed me. At least he used to know that. Maybe I don't have any right to that now. Maybe all my rights as a friend were forfeited the minute I accepted Edward's prop…_

_"Breathe Bella Breathe!"_ the voice in my head said urgently. _My voice_. I hadn't noticed it while I was making my latest journal entry, but apparently I stopped breathing normally and began to hyperventilate, again. It became hard to focus. My heart was racing, I was breaking out in a cold clammy sweat and I couldn't seem to fill my lungs, each breath more shallow and thicker than the last, as if air were now more solid than before. All this made my sense of panic that much worse. Remembering what to do, I immediately put my head down between my knees, closed my eyes and began to breathe slowly through my nose trying to calm myself and just focus on air going in. From my seated position I was able to ease it down in no time and my head stopped feeling like it was stuffed with cotton. My lungs began to fill with precious air and the stars behind my eyelids lessened. A few more deep breaths and the world stopped spinning. I was finally able to feel like myself again.

On feeling better I took a break. I stumbled into the bathroom holding onto any surface I could touch - as I still felt somewhat unsteady - and made my way to the sink. I hated to look in the mirror, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. As I suspected, I looked awful. I was literally grayish, like a combination of bluish-green and white. I also looked splotchy and out of breath, like I just ran a mile or something. Frankly, I looked like I haven't slept in days, and truth be told I haven't. I haven't been able to sleep through the night since Jacob left.

I splashed my face with cool water several times and just stood there looking at my reflection as I braced myself against the perpetually cool sink. When my color returned to normal, and I felt more like myself, I went back to continue my entry and plopped down into the chair.

_Phew! Another panic attack. I'm not sure what brought this one on. These 'episodes' just seem to come and go every now and then and I'm always surprised when I get them. It's hardly the first time I've felt this way but always before it was because there was some life-threatening situation involved, or something so immense that my mind had no other way of handling it except to shut down. Usually having to do with one of Edward's kind trying to kill me. It seems like forever and a day since someone's tried to kill me though, and certainly nothing's happened in the last few minutes. I had almost forgotten what life felt like without a guillotine hanging in constant suspension above me. I thought that once everything settled down and got back to normal (normal for me is being engaged to a vampire, best friend's a werewolf and hates me and I'm about to become a vampire, too) things like nightmares and cold sweats and panic attacks would stop. But they seem to have gotten worse. The worst part is that I can't quite figure out what's causing them._

_Even with Edward around. __Edward usually has this way of making me feel like everything is going to be alright, even when I have no idea if it will be, but I'm still getting them. He's really beginning to worry about me. He thinks maybe I should see someone but who in their ever-loving mind wouldn't believe I were completely insane after hearing about my two years in Forks? And I couldn't lie. Carlisle wants to help but I owe too much to the Cullens already. A therapist would want to know every single microscopic thing, so that option's out. A doctor might prescribe me something to help me sleep or help me relax at least, but I don't want to be in a constant fog or worse - addicted or something. Yeah, that's all I need. I agree I should talk to someone about this, but who? I can't tell anyone about the vampires/werewolves or my relationship with them. Partly because it would put Edward's family in danger with the Volturi if any secrets were revealed, and too, who would believe it?_

I shuddered at the memories of the Volturi_._

_I really don't know what I would have done without Edward this past month. He's really been amazing. My crying fits for Jacob have ceased finally. It has taken much longer to get over him than I thought but with Edward holding me while I sleep, stroking my hair, humming my lullaby, it's been bearable. There are even some days when I think, "I'm going to be okay, this is a good day," but then something will happen, like if I hear the roar of a motorcycle or see images of waves and couples walking on sandy beaches in commercials or even the rare times the sun peaks through the clouds. It seems I'll never be able to see the sun again and not think of Jake. Every time I feel the warmth on my face, it's almost as if he's here with me again, keeping me warm, dry, and safe. My own personal s..._

Too overcome to finish I put the journal away and curled up in bed to let myself feel what I'm denied to feel most times, the loss of my best friend.

It's been an insane month for sure, more ups and downs than ever before. I lost Jacob, I reluctantly agreed to get married at 18, I incurred the wrath of both my parents who haven't really been in sync on anything in a long time and who still haven't forgiven me and I'm about to lose nearly everyone I love. There are so many things I wanted to experience as a human before...well, before I die. I'm about to become a vampire, and from everything everyone has told me, they have a drastically different perception of things than humans. But at least I'll have Edward. It's all worth it if I have Edward in the end. Isn't it?

There's so much to think about, so much to remember. Too much actually, it's sometimes hard to keep it all straight. And to top it off, I can't tell a soul about any of it. Sometimes I wonder, _did any of that really happen? _It feels like it's too much, like I'm going to burst thinking about it all. Maybe that was what my mom picked up on when I broke the news of my engagement to her.

Nearly a month later and the memory of it still unnerves me.

- - -"ISABELLA MARIE !"

I cringed at the sound of my first and middle names being virtually screamed into the phone at me. Edward, standing right beside me, didn't need super vampire powers to hear her and neither did I. I probably could have heard her without a phone.

I wasn't looking forward to this conversation but Edward held my hand the whole time and helped me work up the courage to speak with her. Fact is, being the coward that I am, I managed to find every excuse in the book not to call. I just didn't know how or what to say about my pending nuptials. But there was simply no way around it. Weddings take time and planning, and I know my mother. She'll definitely need time, but I knew that no matter what, ultimately she'd be happy for me. You know, once she's settled down and all; weeks, months, years later. But for now, it would be like lighting a fuse and running to escape the shrapnel.

I remember thinking at the time - _I'd rather fight off the Volturi again than talk about this with her_.

- - -"Mom, calm down, let me explain!" I countered.

- - -"Explain? Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down when I find out, through the grapevine no less, that you're getting married?" Renee cried.

That grapevine, of course, was my beloved father ratting me out. He was pretty nonplussed himself when Edward asked for my hand in marriage in grand old-fashioned style, not that it mattered. Charlie went ballistic. He said it was because of my age, but neither Edward or I think that was it, not all of it anyway. Doing the math, we've only actually been together over a year (_it's only been a year?_) and I was in a zombie-like state for half that year - all because of Edward - in my dad's eyes. Even though things had been civil between those two, dad still had an extreme dislike for Edward. Maybe it was all of the above, who knows. Even I had to admit this all sounded pretty bad.

Charlie had lightened up on him after he saw how Edward was genuinely worried about Jacob when he got hurt last June. Of course, my father was still in the dark as to the real reasons why. But even that wasn't enough to accept Edward into his family. That would have been too easy. Charlie said he'd prefer that I be with _anybody_ else, but truth be told dad would have had a hard time letting anyone marry his daughter. But not enough time had erased any of the wounds my father endured while I was in my own private Idaho last year, after Edward left me. I don't think my dad is capable of forgiving _or_ forgetting that.

I do wonder though what his reaction would have been if I had said I was marrying Jacob Black instead. Unable to control it, my heart suddenly fluttered at that thought.

- - -"Mom, I can't talk to you when you're this upset. Please let me talk," I reasoned.

Renee took a few more audible breaths, clearly trying to calm herself enough to let her only child explain. Although I knew in my heart no explanation in the world would be good enough at this point.

- - -"Mom, I know this wasn't what you had in mind for me. Believe me, I never ever thought about getting married at 18 either," I said through gritted teeth, glaring at Edward. He was grinning coyly.

_Okay, so far so good, she's listening. Time to lay it on thick and make it sound good. I can't lie convincingly in person, maybe I'll do better by phone._

Exhaling sharply, it all spilled out in a rush.

- - -"But this is what I want mom. Edward and I have talked and talked about this and we just feel this is the natural course for us. It's time. It doesn't have to make sense to you or dad because I know you both have ideas for me and I have my own dreams and ideas, too. Getting married won't change that. On the contrary, Edward wants me to pursue what I want. Actually, getting married makes perfect sense when you think about it. We're a team. As Bella Cullen I will have access to things and opportunities that I just don't have as Bella Swan. I'm not getting married out of convenience, but there are advantages to this beyond silly romantic fantasies you think I might be having, and judging by your reaction that's exactly what you think. I love Edward very, very much and want to be his wife, more than anything."

As I finished, I realized how hard it was to say that last part. Not the part about loving Edward, that's never been anything but true, but the part about wanting to be a wife when in reality it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Renee seemed to be at a loss for words, which can mean one of three things: She had an aneurysm; she had a total breakdown and can't process new info - _or_ _she's thinking about it_ - and if that's the case that's a good sign.

It was option 3. Needless to say, it was a long and exhausting conversation, all 15 minutes of it - the longest 15 minutes of my life. Towards the end, however, mom understood how important Edward was to me, how adamant I was that I wasn't pregnant and most importantly, I knew what I was doing. She just had to trust me on this, and for a mother who has been out of the loop for quite a while, I knew it was a lot to ask. But what could she do?

This was clearly an idea she was going to have to get used to and she still had some time to do it, or so I thought. The wedding date, August 13, seemed like such a long ways away back in June. But now it's less than a month, and seemed to be accelerating at an incredible speed.

Plus, to make matters worse, Alice is in charge of the _whole_ thing. What was I thinking?

Once mom got over her initial shock and subsequent disappointment, not to mention all the questions like, "And you're sure you're not pregnant?" she began to settle down enough to let the contents of my well-rehearsed fully prepared dialogue sink in. I tried to come up with as many Renee-istic questions as I could the night before and rehearsed each answer until I had it perfect. At least I thought I had it perfect.

I was ready for anything except for when she asked, "Are you all right? I feel like there's something you want to talk about?"

Taken by surprise that we were now off-script, I was left on my own to come up with something believable, which requires a good amount of lying and acting at a moment's notice, neither of which I do well. I told her everything was fine and I was happy and this is what I want, etc. but I got the feeling it didn't ring true to her. Mothers have an eerie sense about these things. It was annoying.

That phone call seemed so long ago.

The minutes ticked by now, each one went by more slowly than the last. I continued to lie on my side, holding my knees to myself. It's now 2:57 AM and even in summer in Forks, the temperature outside was chilly and wet as always, but inside my room was much warmer than normal. In fact, the extra heaters I placed in my room made it almost sweltering. Edward's constant presence usually counterbalanced it, but tonight I felt the warmth on every part of my body, with the covers drawn especially. Yet I lay cradled, very much the way I used to do when Edward left the first time. Perhaps because this was the only way I felt safe thinking about Jacob. It didn't feel okay any other way somehow.

Now that no one is on red alert anymore, Edward and the rest can come and go when the mood strikes for hunting or whatever and no one felt the need to babysit me. I was insistent on that actually. Especially since I had nowhere to sneak off to anymore. This thought saddened me.

Edward being gone on his latest hunting trip gave me time to ponder.

He's here so much, comforting me so much, I haven't really had a chance to figure things out, or get over Jake. When Edward is here and he's kissing me I just stop thinking, I stop breathing, and for that moment I'm completely lost to it. Time, space, distance, it all comes together and gets confused and entangled. Because none of it matters, so long as he's kissing me nothing matters. It's heaven.

But then there are times like this. Those rare times when I'm alone to my own thoughts and feelings and emotions that aren't being covered or smoothed over and that's when I realize how much I still miss Jacob.

I realize now I haven't made any real progress at all. I would give every penny I ever had or ever will have, if I could just see his smile one more time. To know that he's all right again. I have to know he's all right. The memory of his reaction when he would first see me, smiling _My smile_ at me, the one that's not forced or with pain in his eyes - I love that memory. I always find myself smiling involuntarily when I think of it, and yet, it hurts me now just as much.

It takes an awful lot to get me to cry, I don't cry over just anything. But I know when I can't hold it back any longer, I can feel it coming, it builds and builds. It feels like high tide coming in and a wave about to wash over me. I could stop it if I wanted. I could drive to the Cullens', I could go for a run, I could do any number of things to stop it in its tracks.

But I don't want to stop it. I _want_ to feel it. I want to feel every single tear, every hard breath, every ache, every muscle from my feet to my head tense with emotion. I hate how this feels, and yet I invite it in. I deserve to suffer, all day, everyday for what I did to Jacob...for what I'm doing to Edward. He tries so hard to stop my suffering but I don't want that. I don't deserve it.

I almost wish Edward would go away or something, somewhere safe, just for a little while. I don't know how I can even say that. It's so unbelievable that I could even _think_ that but it's true. I don't really want him to leave. The very thought frightens me how I'll feel. I've felt it once, I don't ever want to feel like that again. Even now, a 2-day hunting trip seems like such a long time. But I feel like he's coddling me, like I'll break if he looks at me too hard or I'll fall apart spontaneously. It's true I might, and knowing my luck it could happen, but since there's nothing after me anymore - right this second - there's really nothing for him to worry about. I just need time. I need time to feel bad, why doesn't he understand that? Even when I've asked for alone time he always sees to it that at least one of his family's here. He just doesn't get it.

I know I can get through this. If I could survive Edward leaving last year, I can survive anything. But it's not just the guilt that's eating me up, as much as I might want to say that. I promised myself I wouldn't lie to myself anymore about my feelings, I've wasted enough time doing that. My new feelings I realize now aren't so new after all. Now that I'm not afraid of them, I can see things clearer than I ever could before. Maybe I'm getting wise in my old age. Not likely but how else do you explain it?

My newfound crystal clear hindsight saw the precise moment I realized my feelings for Jacob. Even more revealing and difficult to admit, is that wasn't the moment I fell for him. It happened a long time before that earth-shattering kiss…much longer. Also, I see someone who was _completely_ oblivious to something everyone else seemed to know. How could I have been so blind for so long?

More importantly, I see myself in a light I never thought possible and I hate it. I see someone so caught up in herself, so selfish, so blind to everyone else's pain, that as long as I got what I wanted nothing else mattered. I see myself for what I've become and I'm ashamed.

My memories transport me to a time when I could have turned right, but I went left instead. Why couldn't I have just turned left to begin with? What was the point of all this? But second-guessing doesn't seem to help, nothing does.

I need to get over Jacob and the sooner the better. But I don't know how to do that with Edward watching me and taking my pain away. Nobody's taking Jacob's pain away.

Then, as if waiting for the right time - before I could force it out - a memory of me and Jacob at the beach played before my eyes,

"_And you think that if you haven't seen her yet, then she's not out there?" I asked skeptically. "Jacob, you haven't really seen much of the world — less than me, even." _

_"No, I haven't," he said in a low voice. He looked at my face with suddenly piercing eyes. "But I'll never see anyone else, Bella. I only see you._"

That did it. The tide that had been threatening to wash over me did so in one fell swoop. Tired of dad not getting enough sleep, I sobbed quietly into my pillow already dampened with tears. Another exhausting night lay in front of me.

Charlie's snoring went blissfully undisturbed.

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**A/N**: Please feel free to R&R. Oh, and please make all criticisms friendly, you wouldn't want me to cry would you? V_isit my Facebook page and "Like", or just say hi ! facebook pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm. _


	3. Secrets I

**A/N: **_This chapter is 'involved' so I ended up splitting it. Thanks again for my lovely comments, U ROCK! I will continue to modify and enhance future chapters for easier readability. That's my ultimate goal. Again, thanks so much for helping me :D_***** **

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

* * *

**Secrets I**

A couple of days went by and all seemed normal enough. Edward had come back the night before and snuck into bed with me. His cool hands touching my skin so lightly, I hardly noticed he was even there, it felt like a dream. I thought I was having a delicious dream about my Edward, but then I awoke to feel his arms wrapped around me, lightly kissing my forehead with his cool lips, and it was better than any dream I could have had. I wrapped my free arm around his ribs and pulled him closer squeezing him tight. He did the same, all the while kissing my cheek and breathing in the fragrance of my hair. He tried to explain it to me once the intoxicating effects of what my scent, specifically around the nape of neck does to him, especially on first seeing me after an absence no matter how long or brief, but he said no human experience could compare. It was like explaining colors to a blind person. I told him that was sort of rude, and laughed, but he explained he had no better comparison to use. His touch was a nice relief from the warmth of the heaters. He could feel the heat of my body and asked if I was too hot. He got up to turn off the heaters, but I told him to leave them on. _I liked the heat_.

The combination of cold on top of my hot skin was a strange yet pleasurable sensation, and just knowing Edward was here with me again helped me fall asleep quickly. He promised to tell me all about their hunting trip later, and what the boys had planned to do for his Bachelor party when I woke up the next morning.

But the next morning came, and when I awoke I was alone. He did come back last night didn't he or did I dream that? No, I was sure I talked to him. Then I remembered how he was holding me. I grabbed the ends of my hair and smelled it. It was him, there were still some traces of Edward's own intoxicating aroma on my hair. So where is he? He doesn't usually just leave like that unless my father is at my door, but to my knowledge Charlie never checked in on me.

I yawned, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. The sun seemed extra bright this morning and my eyes hurt a little more than usual, sort of the way it feels when I don't get enough sleep. There was no note to tell me why he left or when he'd be back. It was strange. I felt the bed next to me and it didn't feel cool. Not like it would if he had just been there, so he must have gone some time in the night. But why? Was there some kind of emergency? If so, why wouldn't he wake me? My naturally curious prone-to-panic mind went through every scenario in the book, including the possibility that Alice had seen something concerning the Volturi. I quickly made some calls.

"Oh hello, Bella, it's good to hear from you, dear," Esme answered. She sounded genuinely surprised, but pleased at the same time. I detected no trace of concern in her voice.

"Hi Esme, is Edward there?"

"No, I haven't seen him since the boys got back from their trip. Let me check the house though, maybe someone has talked to him recently."

"Ok, thank you, I'd appreciate that." She couldn't have been gone for more than 9 seconds when she returned to say no one had spoken with him and didn't know where he could be.

"Even Alice? Can't she see where he is?"

"Alice is out. She had to drive to Seattle and will be back in an hour. Did you try Edward's phone?"

"Yes I did, first thing, but it went straight to voicemail."

"Hmm, well I don't know. If it's urgent you could try Alice's cell or should I have her call you when she gets in?"

"No, that's ok, I'm sure it's nothing. If it were anything important Alice would call _me_. I'll just wait for him at my house. If he comes in or calls tell him to call me, ok?"

We hung up and this definitely left me with a strange sense of anxiety. But Esme wasn't at all worried about Edward or his whereabouts. Apparently there was no alert of any kind. She was just as confused as I was. Huh? Alice was gone too. Perhaps Edward is taking care of some detail for the wedding. Edward knows of my disdain for anything to do with wedding planning, so maybe he and Alice are getting it all coordinated.

Yes, surely that's what it is. But if so, why wouldn't he just leave a note telling me so? This filled me with relief _and_ fear. Leaving Alice in charge of my wedding may prove to be my undoing.

Or, another possibility for Edward's disappearance: Was he planning another surprise for me?

I don't think I can handle any more surprise gifts from him. The sneaky way in which he gave me this bauble from his mother made me a little leery about any future gifts. "_A hand-me-down."_ I had to laugh, more like an heirloom. I looked down at my bracelet. The bauble in question, a multi-faceted stone, easily five carats, absolutely exquisite-caught the sun just right and sparkled so bright it hurt my aching eyes. Its brilliance did remind me of Edward, and it made me smile.

Just for curiosity sake though, I did look on the internet what something like this could be worth. I didn't want to take it to a jeweler for an appraisal because I was worried that something so unique as this would be recognized and word would get back to Edward. My suspicions were correct. This unassuming little bauble could be worth anywhere from $15,000 to $200,000! Probably more given the antique nature of the setting and its condition. _That's like, wow!_

How could he think I would be comfortable owning something as grandiose as this? This belongs in a safe, a deposit box, at Buckingham Palace even, not hanging precariously on my accident-proned body. It's not really smart to tempt fate. Didn't he think I would find out its worth eventually? Even if it were worth 5 cents, its still priceless because it belonged to his mother. It's absolutely dear to him and is a part of his history. If I should lose this it would just kill me and probably devastate him, although he would never say it. Doesn't he know me at all by now? Something like this, doesn't belong on me.

And quite frankly, if it weren't from his mother I would have given it back to him and insisted on something far less extravagant, but I fear that would have hurt his feelings as well. I have such a mish-mosh of feelings about this but I've learned that when it comes to gifts, especially extravagant ones, to just bite my tongue and deal. Even though it's made me a nervous wreck, it makes him so happy seeing it dangle on my wrist, which makes me ecstatic and proud.

Looking around my still empty room didn't yield any answers for me, except maybe to organize a little better. But nothing was taken or disturbed and nothing to indicate when he'd be back. It was like he left in a hurry. I just hoped nothing was wrong.

* * *

A few days later, Edward and I were riding to his parents' house in my truck to spend the day with his family, a visit long overdue for one reason or another.

Edward was busy reading a note from my mother addressed to me. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew that I was a bad liar, but I hoped my quick answers and script were enough to thwart any suspicions mom may have had about my wedding. No such luck. When her package arrived with a note four days after the call back in June it confirmed what I feared, she picked up on something. Her note says it all:

_Bella,_

_This is just something I wanted to send you, for no reason at all really. I've been thinking a lot about what you said on the phone and it all makes perfect sense. Very practical actually. Edward is a wonderful boy and I can tell how much he loves you. I know he will take care of you. You will have many opportunities and doors open for you as his wife. But darling, I have to wonder if you know what you're getting yourself into. Why marriage? Why now? You've got to understand, I've only known you your-whole-life (the life before Edward) and you've never once, __not once__, mentioned marriage or starting a family so young or any of the silly things your friends back home were doing, and now you're doing it, right now, just out of high school with the first serious boyfriend you've ever had. And no, Ronnie Templeton from the 3rd grade doesn't count. _

_You had always talked about going to college somewhere like California or Hawaii even. __But Dartmouth? Really? Do you know how cold it gets up there? Much, much, much colder than Forks, honey. You hate the cold, more than anyone I know. The winter storms that pass through there are brutal. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that school, it's top-notch, but it's just so far away from anything I thought YOU would ever want. Honestly Bella, this doesn't sound like you at all._

_Arizona has some really nice schools too, you know, you could be close to your old friends back home if the Ivy League thing doesn't suit. And of course there's always Florida, *hint hint*._

_This is all such a shock to me. I am glad you finished high school at least before springing this on us, but I would rather you finished college too before thinking of something as life-changing as marriage. And it does change things whether you know it or not. It changes people. I know waiting is asking a lot of someone so young and when you're so in love. But August 13? What's the hurry? _

_Your explanations were very well thought out, I could tell you spent some time preparing them. I'm just not sure I buy it. I feel like there's something more, something you're not saying. __**I know you, Bella.**_

_When I asked you if you had something you needed to talk about, you paused that same pause you do when there's something big you've yet to tell me, but can't or won't. There's something weighing on your mind, I can feel it. If you can't tell me or your dad or Edward even, then maybe you can put it all in this journal. I know it seems lame to someone your age, but it can actually be a great comfort. I used to keep journals a long time ago and I always found that sometimes the answer just shows up as you're writing things out. I don't know if you think you're too old to keep one, but I really don't think so. Some of the greatest figures in history kept journals. I know sometimes things can get really jumbled upstairs and you need to find a way to pull it apart and look at it from a different angle. I really hope you put this to use, Bella, and not as something to hold your nightstand level. haha._

_I love you baby, take care and don't worry about me or Phil, or Charlie either for that matter. You already know my views on marrying too young, so I won't get into it. I also know you're a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders and you'll make the right decision FOR YOU when it's time. It's just going to take some time for me to get used to the idea that's all. I don't suppose you could be engaged for five years or so? haha Yeah, didn't think so._

_*You've Still Got Some Explaining To Do Young Lady!*_

_I just want to make that clear, but that's all for now._

_Take care darling, enjoy your journal, I love you! Give Edward and Charlie my best._

_xoxoxox,_

_Mom_

_P.S. Oh yes, explain to me again what happened with you and Jacob? You were as thick as thieves not too long ago. Did I miss something?_

I sighed when I first read this and thought, _Yes mom you missed something_. Leave it to mom to say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. Now I know where I get my social ineptitude.

"Your mother is quite observant isn't she? I do believe you take after her," Edward said, clearly amused, still holding mom's letter in his hands.

I laughed at the idea that anything about my human self could marvel Edward at all, but that was definitely one thing about me that did. It was also a credit to me that I can be as cunning as the devil when the need arose, or so I found out with my skirmish with James. Perhaps it was this ability that will be enhanced when I become a vampire. Something I've never really been able to come right out and say is that I secretly wanted an ability to call my own, something that would distinguish me and amaze even the likes of the Volturi. Maybe even do away with my clumsy self once and for all. Not that I would ever become a member even if they begged, but it would be nice to even the playing field with Edward and Alice for once.

His remark about how observant I was brought up a topic I had been dying to bring up. "So, can we talk about something now?"

"Sure."

"Where exactly did you disappear to the other day? When I asked you about it that afternoon you didn't seem willing to talk about it. You kept changing the subject."

"I had some things to attend to. Don't worry, I'll tell you when the time is right," he smiled a slight smile at me.

I don't know why he couldn't just tell me now. It must either be really good or really bad.

After Edward finished reading, he gingerly refolded mom's letter and placed it neatly on the seat between us. My truck, a.k.a, "The Thing" was wheezing down the highway at a comfortable 45 miles an hour. He appeared to be examining the envelope, perhaps he had something on his mind. He looked somber.

I know what most people would think of my truck. That it's not fashionable, it's clunky, probably more dangerous than anyone really knew and could use a lot of work, but what it lacks in flash it makes up for in personality. My truck, in spite of all odds against it, has endured. A vehicular version of me perhaps. Maybe that's why it has always secretly irked me that Edward felt compelled to diss my truck every chance he got. He thinks he's being funny so I let a lot of it slide. I know he couldn't have understood how I felt even if I told him and there's no way I could tell him something like that. When has he ever felt inadequate?

And while some would say that I'm pretty, beautiful even as Edward's constantly reminding me, I just never saw it and never felt comfortable in my own skin. Even if I were as beautiful as Rosalie it wouldn't matter. I would still never see it or care. It was never even a topic of conversation until I came to Forks and saw how the boys here reacted to me. If I hadn't seen the most beautiful people on the planet my first day of school, I might have felt good about all the attention.

Edward sighed loudly obviously disgusted with the speed in which we were traveling. He wanted to come in his car, but I insisted we come in mine. I had not driven my truck around in nearly two weeks and it was important to drive it once in a while. It's good for the engine, dad says. I had neglected it so, I was just glad it was running at all. I loved my truck. I'd keep it forever if I could, just maintain it through the years, but it's not very practical gas-wise and I'm a little worried the sounds its beginning to make are a sign of things to come. I fear one of these days _The Thing_ will heave its last. And my favorite, most talented mechanic in the world was nowhere to be seen. Jacob brought this truck to life just like he did for me. We both will somehow have to do without him. Even when it dies I may keep it anyway. This truck has a lot of good memories attached to it, why would I ever give it up?

Edward's disapproval showed on his face. He looked like he was ready to jump out of the truck and run the rest of the way to the house. His impatience with my truck's poor performance was wearing on my nerves.

"I'm going as fast as my truck needs to go, Edward," I snapped. "I don't want to push it too hard, and besides it's not like they're expecting us by a certain time or anything," I said, trying to defend my baby.

Traveling now on that long winding road to the Cullens' house, I turned into the familiar driveway. Edward, looking hurt by the assumption. He turned to me and said, "That's not what was on my mind actually. Well, maybe somewhat, I could literally get out and walk faster than this thing can go, but to be honest I was thinking of something else entirely."

Suddenly feeling like a skunk for jumping to conclusions all I could fumble out was, "Oh, sorry. I thought...never-mind."

I could tell something was clearly on his mind. "So then, exactly what is it that's making your face look like a flat tire?"

Edward held out the envelope that my mom's letter came in, I looked at it expecting to see something new, but all I saw was the same familiar envelope as before. Same mailing address, same return address, same postage, same postmar...

"Oh." _Fudge!_

"You've had this for three weeks, Bella. Why would you not tell me about this?" Edward said with a somewhat accusatory look in his eyes, or maybe it wasn't so much accusatory as hurt, it was hard to distinguish the two sometimes.

I put the truck into park and turned off the engine. I felt yet another discussion coming on.

I could feel the warmth creep into my face as I tried to explain, but I realized it would only really make sense to me. _Just do the best you can. Okay, here goes_...

**Continued in Secrets II**…

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_**A/N:**_ _The part above about Edward suddenly leaving will make more sense in later chapters, so just keep it tucked away somewhere in your memory banks until the time is right. Remember, all comments will be used to further my literary distractions._***


	4. Secrets II

***_A/N:_ _Thank you again for my sweet comments, and I know you probably weren't expecting a cliffhanger quite so soon but given the length of the chapter it was unavoidable so my apologies for being longwinded lol. Also, I'm new at this fanfiction site and I found out after I posted my last chap. that it messed up some of the formatting I used, which in the end is my fault for not going back after submitting the chapter and check to see if it was correct, becuz sure enuff it wasn't. So I've gone back thru it and corrected all that. Phew! It's a pain having to modify my stuff in a way that specifically makes this site happy, but I'm learning._***

Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

* * *

**Secrets II**

(Continued -)

"Uh, I did tell you about it, a few minutes ago," I said, cringing. The blushing continued.

His eyebrow arched as he said, "_No_, I found it in your glove compartment just now, looking for a pen. When you saw me pull it out, _then_ you told me about it."

Knowing he wasn't going to let this go I decided to come clean. "Yeah, I know. I, um, I don't know. It didn't seem like it was important I suppose. I mean, it's just my mother trying to be helpful. It's a mother thing, she worries and I guess I didn't feel like it would be anything you'd be interested in. I wasn't deliberately trying to keep anything from you, it just never came up."

_"…just never came up,"_ even I knew that was dumb.

He continued to look at me as if trying to understand and not understanding much at all. But he let the matter drop as he put the letter back into the envelope and returned it to its place in the glove compartment.

"I suppose you have your reasons. So where is this journal? Have you been writing in it?" he asked.

"Uhh yyeess," I said, reluctantly. Another confession was about to happen, but I didn't know how he was going to take it, seeing how he was with the letter. "It's been helping me a lot, actually. In fact, I'm into my third book."

His eyes got as wide as saucers. "Third book! Are you kidding? Why didn't you tell me?"

I looked at Edward confused, didn't we just cover this?

He read my face and said, "I mean, I had no idea you had so much weighing on your mind. You've been writing enough to fill two plus books?"

…_and another confession_.

"Well, to be perfectly honest I'm not starting the third as much as I'm nearly finished with it. In fact, I'm about to start a fourth. And yes, there's been lots to write about, Edward. Just when I thought I was done writing about something, another memory will pop into my head. Things I didn't want to think about or remember, but keep popping up anyway. It helps me figure things out, Edward. When I write, it just all starts flooding back to me, like a deluge. Once it starts I can't stop it."

"Is it anything I can help you with, love? When do you even have time to write four journals' worth? You know you can always talk to me if something's bothering you," he assured me. "I'm not mad or upset about the journals, I think it's a very good idea actually, I just wish these were things you felt you could talk to me about." I could tell he was clearly taking this more personally than I would like. He's been so sensitive lately.

Smiling, I said, "Edward, they're just memories. You can't help me with that. You're not scared of a few memories are you?" I said, trying to keep things light. But I could see he wasn't convinced. "Most of the things I write are things you already know about, so there's no point in discussing them. I use this to help me remember the order of things, to keep it all straight about what happened: Who, when, where - stuff like that. Your memories are completely different from mine. I'm fine, Edward, really. So much has happened, I just have concerns and questions and crap that need sorting out. It's nothing I can't handle and nothing you need to worry about, really.

"And since you asked, I take my journal with me to work. We sometimes have lulls and rather than just standing there doing nothing, I write. It's a good way to fend Mike off, too," I smiled to show how ludicrous a statement that was.

I've been working at Newton's Olympic Outfitters again since the announcement of my engagement. I explained to Karen, Mike's mom and store manager, that Charlie didn't quite have enough for a nice wedding and I felt guilty asking Edward's family for money. Even though they could probably afford a wedding to rival royalty, I just would have felt really bad being indebted to them in that way. It already feels like I owe them so much. Plus, staying busy helps keep my mind off things.

I thought if I took on a full-time job for a month or two it would really help things out even though between mom and Phil, my dad and the Cullens picking up the slack it was all paid for and then some, but it was important to me to do this, to pull my own weight. It was the least I could do. Karen found this endearing and always really liking me was more than happy to let me come back. It won't bring in tons of money, but every little bit helps, and it was mine. _My money_ that _I_ earned. I had to admit there was something about seeing my name on that paycheck, it's unlike any other feeling I've had. Pride, maybe. It was just fortuitous that the girl she had hired to replace me ended up not lasting even a month. Karen was so relieved to have an experienced, reliable worker during the busy season.

Another noteworthy change of events this summer is that even Mike has moved on it seems. He and Lauren Mallory have begun to see each other more and more. I wasn't too happy about that at first. You could hardly call Lauren a friend of mine. She's been on an anti-Bella trip for a while now actually, even though I still have no idea what it was I did, but now that she's with Mike it's beginning to make sense. Frankly, at first I thought he went out with her just to see what I would say, they have nothing in common, but I really think they're beginning to like each other. Lauren mellowed out over the summer just about the time Mike was growing out of his puppy dog phase. Everybody's going through lots of changes.

Edward seemed fine with my explanation for now but I could see a storm of doubt surging underneath. Where was this coming from? He clearly had lots more questions and I could only guess as to what _or to whom_ it entailed.

Not wanting to bring in Jacob's face into the forefront of my mind, I quickly leaned over, held Edward's face with my free hand and kissed his cheek, inhaling deeply. That familiar sense of swirling I always get when I'm near him was comforting. "I love you, sweetheart," I whispered into his ear and I could feel him smile as he nuzzled into my neck.

He wrapped his arms around me and held me close.

"I love you, too," he whispered, and kissed the area of skin just under my earlobe, giving me chills.

I sensed the discussion was over. A heady feeling took me over as his hands pulled me even closer and his lips reached for mine, softly but urgently. Kissing Edward…it was so easy to forget myself. It's enough to make me forget even the simplest things. His lips found their way down my neck and stayed there lightly kissing, then moving up just under my ear. It was driving me crazy!

He heard me gasp and the next thing I knew his face was back with mine, kissing my lips and taking my breath away. I could feel my heart thump loudly, but I didn't care. Being in the moment, my tongue moved along his bottom lip. I could tell he was restraining himself because he paused all movement and let me play with his mouth a little before devouring my kiss again. It was heavenly.

A few intimate moments later, I knew he would be pulling back at any time, so I braced my arms tightly around his neck hopefully giving me an extra few seconds of this bliss and pulled myself as close to him as I could, nearly straddling him.

He pulled out from under my arms with zero effort and said, "Bella, we _are_ in my parents' driveway and you're kind of steaming up the cab."

My hormones gave me a false sense of power, prompting me to say, "Well I'm not steaming it up by myself," and I continued to try to nip at the exposed area on his neck.

A little breathless, he continued to push me away, "Yes, yes you are. You're the only one with warm breath here, remember?"

Taking a deep breath, I blinked as I recovered. Embarrassed, I said, "Oh yeah, right." It was so easy to forget who and what Edward was.

I pulled back and tried to remember myself. There was no point in trying to persuade him or push the issue. I had heard "no" enough times to last me for a lifetime. I definitely won't miss this feeling. This human feeling of frustration, not only with my surging human hormones, but how it feels when someone says no to it, _constantly_. I knew all too well Edward's reasons behind the relentless chastity and they all made really good sense and were actually prudent. It really is possible that Edward could maim or kill me if we made love right now. I knew all of his reasons like the back of my hand, but it still hurts like hell to be turned down. Rejection hurts, end of story.

Knowing that this was going to go nowhere I didn't fight it. The blushing continued as I gave up, trying to preserve what dignity I had left and made a motion to open my truck door when Edward touched my arm.

"Sorry, love. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I promise, Bella, it won't always be like this."

I wanted to argue and say, "Yes, yes it will always be like this, at least until we get married and probably afterwards, too, for as long as I'm human," but I didn't. To be honest, it was my one reason for getting married, the only one. I just smiled a little smile to let him know I would get over it, when he held me in the cab a little longer.

"Oh yes, there's a little situation in the house I should probably warn you about, but it's something you'll just have to see for yourself. You'd never believe it if I told you and we can't seem to get through to her. We were hoping you could," Edward said.

Her? Who does he want me to get through to? I'm sure I must have looked as confused as I felt.

He then said, "You'll see."

* * *

Alice, of course, knew we were coming and practically ambushed me upon entering the house chatting away as if picking up where we left off on a conversation we haven't even had yet. It sometimes helps to have a psychic for a best girlfriend, but sometimes I have no idea what she's talking about.

Chatting away at maximum speed, "And so, Bella, per your request we are keeping the guest list small. We've invited all of your family which is nearly as small as the Cullen's side. I only invited the few small covens we keep in touch with on a friendly continual basis, like the Denali clan, for example. I know there was some bad blood there for a little bit involving the Laurent-Trini thing but they're the closest thing to family that we have so we've agreed to disagree and put aside any hard feelings for a day. So all totaled together it looks like it'll be somewhere around 35 plus about 10 local friends from school, a few of your dad's friends and about 15 from the reservation for a total of 75, not counting the wedding party. Does that sound about right?"

I knew it must have taken great restraint on her part to slow down her speech enough for human ears to understand, but even then it was all I could do to make it out.

Alice looking always so cute and perfect was absolutely adorable with a measuring tape hanging over her shoulder and pencils sticking out in her hair. I mused to myself that she looked almost too perfectly disheveled, as if she had seen this image somewhere in a magazine or a movie and recreated it perfectly to fit the image of a person under stress from assembling a wedding from scratch.

But if I didn't know better I would swear that Alice really did look stressed. On top of the slightly messy appearance, Alice had dark circles and eyes to match. It was then that I realized that Alice had bigger things to worry about than final guest counts.

"Yes, that sounds fine. Um Alice, why are you so hungry? Haven't you been going hunting with the others?" I asked.

"Hunting? Who has time to hunt, what with the cake order being screwed up twice now, the venue we had originally planned on double booked and canceled so now I'm running around looking for another one on short notice which is unheard of in wedding circles in which case looks like we may be having the wedding here after all, in which case I'm going to have to call all of the guests _again_ and tell them of the change in plans, the flowers have been ordered but now because of the impending hurricane in the pacific the orchids I ordered may not get here in time, everyone still hasn't RSVP'd so since I don't know for sure the size of the list I'm having a hard time ordering the food. The caterers are being such..."

"Alice, Alice slow down!" I couldn't help but laugh a little. I've never seen Alice in such a state. It would have actually been a very funny moment, but this was beyond anything I would have ever thought possible. This wasn't an act. Alice appeared completely and totally overwhelmed.

"It's going to be okay. You've still got time to plan all this out. I know you've had some setbacks, but you did a wonderful job on the graduation party and -"

_I shouldn't have said that._

"The graduation party ?" Alice repeated excited. "Do you know how easy the graduation party was compared to this? This is insane! Nobody but me cared about the specifics of the graduation party. I could have served cat food and hired the high school marching band for all they cared. All anybody wanted was to get a look inside the house. But this wedding will be a direct reflection on me, on what I can do. I won't half-ass this! It has to be right, Bella, and so far nothing has turned out right. NOTHING! Just when I think I've got something planned right down to the precise orchid or the exact specific style of Alencon lace for my maid-of-honor dress, of which due to yet another mess up I had to opt for Valenciennes, which is not really what I had in mind but it'll do, but then I get one guy saying they can't get it to me on time or they needed six months' advance notice or the person I need to talk to is on vacation or some such shi...!"

"Alice!" Edward growled. She was literally shouting at me.

"Calm down! Bella said it was going to be okay and it will be. We're both here and we can both do errands and make calls every bit as much as you can. It's _our_ wedding after all," Edward argued, clearly not liking her tone.

The look on Alice's face was one of both disgust and shock. You would have thought Edward had pulled his own head off and sent it across the room by the look of her.

Carlisle put his hand on Alice's shoulder. "He's right Alice. It's their wedding, maybe you should ..."

Before Carlisle could get another syllable in, Alice turned on her heel and was already halfway up the stairs. I was barely able to register what was happening when I felt a whoosh of wind and looked over my shoulder with only enough time to see her little feet ascending the stairs moving quickly out of sight.

Total shock must have been written all over my face because Edward lightly put his hands on my shoulders to urge me forward. His hand eventually found mine and led me to the sofa.

"Well what's with her? I've never seen Alice so, so..." The shock hadn't quite worn off yet.

"I know, love. I had no idea of the extent of her state until a few days ago. Jasper didn't tell us she had been having problems with the wedding details. She apparently swore him to secrecy and she's been carefully avoiding me. I've been away so much…."

"Days? You've known about this for _who-knows-how-many days_ and you never said anything? Edward, how could you keep something like that from me? You know what she means to me! Why didn't you say something?"

Edward looked at me amused. "Oh, well, I suppose I thought it wasn't anything you needed to be concerned about. _It just never came up,_" he added.

I immediately recognized those words. _Touché Edward, damn it_. I could feel the heat in my face betray me, and he then put his arm around my shoulders and kissed my head. "Don't worry yourself, Bella."

Still irritated, I continued, "I don't understand, Edward. How could you have not known this was happening, even with her avoiding you?"

"In spite of what you might think, I'm not infallible, Bella, and besides, there are ways around all of our abilities. Which is why we must trust each other, implicitly. Between Jas covering for her, and her thinking being so erratic all of the time anyway, the wedding was just one more reason for her mind to be even more frenzied. I hadn't noticed anything exaggerated. In fact, she asked that I not peek into her business as she didn't want any interference. We've been going hunting so much lately and I've been spending so much time at your house that it wasn't until I got back a few days ago that I tapped into her thoughts and saw just how far gone she was. We thought if we gave her time to sort it all out everything would fall into place, but it just hasn't."

Esme strode over fluidly and bent over the sofa to lightly kiss the top of my head. I barely felt her cool lips touch me.

"Esme," I pressured, "Another thing that confuses me is why no one else told me what was going on. Surely, you or Carlisle could have called me?" I didn't want to seem accusatory, but I was upset.

"No, we couldn't, Bella. You see, we're just as upset about this as you are, although for a very different reason," she looked at Edward as she said this. I was confused at their silent exchange.

"There's a very good reason why our little _family_ is one of very few on record. Not just because of our diet of choice, not just the fact that there are so many of us, but that we've lasted as long as we have without going feral. It's not in a vampire's nature to want this. Many times bands or families, if you want to call them that who tried this, failed. One reason for this is because of the inevitable dissension that almost always seems to happen. One way it always seems to start is with a secret. That's it. That's all it takes."

"I'm afraid I don't understand, how can one secret be so destructive?" I asked.

"A family dynamic such as ours is fragile, as fragile as a teacup. And as you know it only takes one chip to ruin a tea cup. All vampires are nomadic by nature, Bella, we are also vicious by nature. Creatures like us can't coexist without one simple common thread that we have ALL agreed upon, _trust_. Absolute and unwavering. Trust that we won't murder each other when our backs are turned, trust that we won't attempt to steal from the other, trust that you will never deprive your brother/sister of food or something they need and trust that what we say to each other is 100% true. That means…"

"No secrets," I finished.

Esme smiled, "That's right, of any kind. There can be no mistakes. We can't afford them. These rules may seem rigid, but it's the only way we've all learned to live together. I won't lie, this way of life can take years to perfect."

"So does that mean Alice is in trouble?" I asked trying to understand.

Esme smiled, "No, not exactly but she's, uh, what's the term?" she asked Edward.

"She's grounded," he grinned.

Esme chuckled, "Yes. Because of the circumstances and because of our devotion to each other and our way of life we can overlook it this one time."

"And Jasper?"

Esme continued, "Yes, poor Jasper. He's caught in the middle. It's not just humans he's learning to be around, it's us as well. His first duty is to Alice, his mate. Alice was wrong to ask him to cover for her. She relies on her visions as much as we do to tell her what to do, but what if she was wrong? By going off on her own like that she created a potentially sticky situation. Thankfully, it turned out to be nothing, but we needed to be sure that their devotion to our family and our way of life was still intact before inviting you back over. And it is by the way. Plus, we didn't want to alarm you, we know how you are when it comes to Alice," she said, glowing with affection.

I shook my head like I understood, but I was still worried about Alice.

"It's okay, Bella, really. She'll be fine, I promise," she said, patting my shoulder. "Alice is too proud to admit she's in over her head. Speaking of that, I'm so glad you're here. We have a job for you."

* * *

***_A/N - I hope you're liking it so far. As this is fanfiction there will be times when I'll need to take the story in a different direction than the series in order to accommodate my storyline, but I do try to stay within the spirit of Ms. Meyer's works and be respectful to the original content. So if something seems off that's probably because it is lol. However, it's also probably something that will be explained in later chapters. I can't reveal all my tricks at once!_***


	5. Only in my dreams

***The next couple of chapters after this one will be from Jacob's POV, just in case someone was wondering. :) ***

* * *

**Only in my dreams**

We left the Cullens' a few hours later. I calmed Alice down as best I could and we made up, although no one was exactly mad or anything, but she was apologetic just the same. She promised to go hunting right after we were done - that alone would improve her disposition - and just to show there were no hard feelings we went over every mind-numbing detail of the wedding ad nauseam. Thoughts of eloping to Las Vegas continued to pop into my head, which was a mistake I considered seriously only once as Alice would see my plans and begin to panic all over again. It took some doing to get her to calm down again, even with Jasper's help, so I assured her as best I could I wouldn't elope. I never had any _real_ intentions of doing it. Just fantasizing. _A girl can dream can't she?_

Back at Charlie's house I was in the kitchen getting the meatloaf ready for the oven, "Ok, just a little more tomato sauce and I'm done," I mumbled to myself. I knew Edward wasn't in the slightest bit interested, it all looked the same to him. For a vampire, this stuff was truly revolting.

"So what do you kids have planned for tonight?" Charlie asked, holding his boots in his hand.

I was placing the meatloaf in the oven still lost in my thoughts when I realized dad asked me a question. "Hmm? Oh, just some more wedding stuff mostly. The seating chart for example needs some attention," I said. I neglected to fill in the part where Alice was feeling way over her head and sinking fast. Even though Charlie hated discussing anything to do with the wedding, he would have berated me if he thought I was taking her for granted and not doing my part. He just loves Alice to death. No pun intended.

"Oh, well, okay then. I'll just be going to the store to get some supplies. I'm going fishing with Billy this weekend and we need some things. We're running pretty low on some ... fishing gear."

I was fully aware of the type of "supplies" that were vital for a good fishing trip.

"I somehow don't think the fish are all that interested in _beer,_ but whatever works for ya," I said with a smirk. I could hear Edward snicker a little behind me.

Charlie just looked at me with a snide look and said, "Oh, haha _missy_, aren't you a funny thing. I'll be back in a while, try not to burn the house down, Ms. Know-It-All_._" After pulling on his boots he tucked his rain jacket under his arm and was still chuckling to himself as he headed out the door.

Sitting at the kitchen table, going over the seating chart for the wedding was about as bad as bad gets for me when it comes to these things, but I was managing. Less than a month till the wedding and Alice has every single minute detail already planned out, just hasn't been able to execute it for one reason or another. So it became necessary for me to handle at least one of the details. She didn't want to allow me to participate even in this small way but she was strongly outvoted, so I felt obligated to do a good job.

I was trying to make sense of the chart when I noticed Edward was unusually quiet.

"Is something wrong?" I asked. His look was one of reflection and my remark broke his concentration. He looked almost surprised.

"No. Not at all," he said quick to answer and smiled to suggest everything was fine. I didn't buy it.

I looked at him suspiciously and said "Edward," in a tone suggesting I knew something was up.

He exhaled and said, "It's just something your father was thinking before he left. I didn't tell you because I thought it would make you sad."

I looked down a little confused and maybe a little worried, too. I thought everything was going great, probably the best it's been around here. Dad seemed to be a little easier to live with now that the whole wedding idea sunk in a little. I would swear that as time went by he's even softened up a little bit. Before, leaving Edward and I in the house alone for any unspecified amount of time wasn't easy. Worried about the inevitable I imagine.

It's as though now that we're engaged he doesn't have anything to worry about anymore. I couldn't imagine what could be wrong now.

"What was he thinking?"

Edward was really reluctant to tell me but decided to anyway, probably because he knew I would eventually needle it out of him. "He was happy. It wasn't really a dialogue per se, just a lot of images of having you around, memories of all the funny jabs you two give each other, and how he's going to miss that when you leave. You fill this house with love, Bella, he missed a lot of that when you were growing up and he's glad to have it now."

Edward was right. The sadness and the guilt overwhelmed me and the tears began to flow. My heart swelled with so much love for my dad. I guess it was because of our late start with the father/daughter connection, but some part of me always held up a wall when it came to him. I guess some part of me always needed to protect myself just in case my living here didn't work out. Now, dad and I are in the best relationship we've ever had and I'm getting ready to leave again, only this time it's…

I had a hard time even thinking the word - _Forever_. At some point, Edward's family will have to tell mine that I died. It's the only way.

But as sad as this thought made me, I've made up my mind and as hard as it was going to be to leave my parents and friends, my course was set. I can't be with Edward as a human. Something always seems to happen, it's as if all the forces in the universe are conspiring against us trying to tell us what I already knew, being with Edward means I have to be a vampire, too. And in spite of it all my love for Edward has never wavered. I'll do away with my fragile body and we'll finally be together and no one can interfere ever again. Missing my family and friends is a sacrifice, one that gets harder and harder to make as time goes on, but it's something I have come to terms with. I just can't see another way. Losing Edward is just not an option.

* * *

Charlie came back just in time and we all had dinner together, except for Edward of course, but Charlie was used to his excuses by now.

After the dinner dishes were done and the last baseball game was over, Charlie poked his head in the kitchen, "Well I'm going to bed. Do you have work tomorrow?"

"Yep, Karen wants me to come in extra early for inventory."

"Well okay, don't stay up too late then. Good night all," Edward and I chimed good night back to him.

A little later after Charlie went to bed things got quiet again. I decided to try and finish the seating chart on the kitchen table as it had the most room. I planted myself in the chair and got to work.

A little later, Edward asked, "Bella, love? Are you all right?" he looked at me curiously.

"Huh? I'm fine, Edward, really. Just working on this dreaded seating assignment again. Why do you ask?" I replied offhandedly.

"No reason, I was just checking to see if you wanted to talk about anything, or if you're just hungry again," he said, looking down at the well-indented marks I left on my pen cap.

Apparently, I had been gnawing on my pen with fierce determination lost in my thoughts. Edward worried about everything when it came to me these days. His attempts to protect me from everything and everyone, even myself, has turned him into a worrywart, I think.

"Oh," I laughed at myself to show I really was okay and he stopped tensing and smiled his beautiful smile back at me.

We were both being ridiculous.

"I thought maybe now would be a good time to talk. That was some dream you had the other night," Edward continued.

I grimaced.

I wish I could have learned how to control my dreams. I have heard there is a way to do that. I should look into that some time. But seeing as I won't be a human for much longer there's hardly a point to it now. Except for times like this.

It's one thing to have to endure my own nightmares. As awful as they are, at least I'm the only one who has to deal with it. But when I talk in my sleep, all my fears and innermost thoughts are out there for the world to see. It's so embarrassing. And since Edward spends nearly every night with me, except for the occasional hunting trip, he has a ringside seat to all of my nocturnal happenings.

Sometimes they're not so bad. Edward has told me that I go on and on about the crazy things Alice is doing for my wedding, going way, way, way overboard as usual. And then there are the other times. The _other_ dreams that start off as ordinary and end with me waking up shaking, sweating, sometimes screaming or with just a sense of foreboding. Sometimes I can remember them, other times I'm glad I can't. But regardless, Edward is there to hear it all.

Surprised at the topic I said, "What? Oh No! What did I say now to cause that look on your face? Edward, you have to remember I can't control what I dream, much less the drivel that comes out while I'm dreaming. It's just noise, that's all. Please don't be upset about whatever stupid thing I mumble in my sleep," I finished by stroking his cheek with the back of my fingers.

A small smile crossed his face as he looked down, unconvinced, as if to be searching for the right words. "Bella, look at me." I had begun to look over the chart again, determined to make some sense out of where to seat my relatives alongside the vampires. _This may be the strangest seating chart known to mankind._

"Huh? Oh, okay, I'm listening," pushing the chart away from me. "I actually am a little curious now that you mention it." Exhaling sharply, "Okay, so, what exactly did I say?"

Edward continued hesitantly, "Well it wasn't just a random dream. You seemed to be reliving a memory, well, several memories from what I could make out, the day of the battle in the clearing for example. Also, you talked about Jacob." This last bit seemed to concern him the most.

I don't know why this gave me a bad feeling. It's not the first bad dream I've had about Jacob. Most times Edward says I call out to him as if to catch him before he leaves into the darkness, where to I can only imagine. But there have been a few dreams that were vivid enough to make me scream out in horror, namely the moment when the newborn crushed Jacob nearly to death. I wasn't there to experience it first hand, neither was Edward but that damn pack mind link is the next best thing to being there.

Seth and Edward's reactions through the pack mind that day was enough to fill in the gaps for my overactive imagination to create its own horrid account, my own extremely vivid version of how it must have gone down. Carlisle, reluctantly, told me the extent of Jacob's injuries and sometimes I dream I'm there watching helplessly as Jacob is crushed and I'm forced to hear every single one of his bones break simultaneously as he cries out. I shuddered to think of it even now.

Hearing Edward say Jacob's name is always a strange feeling for me. Always before when he spoke his name there was some underlying disdain, which always aggravated me. Now, he spoke his name as if bringing up a long lost acquaintance. Someone whose name pains him to say because of the memory it evokes. I could not understand the change.

"Okay, I'll bite. What did I say exactly?" I was genuinely curious now.

Edward smiled a little at my choice of words. "Well, it took me a few days but near as I could piece together, your dream seemed to start off in the clearing, only you weren't alone. All around you were the newborns, they surrounded you. You raised your hand to try to shield your face and noticed the cut on your arm from your last birthday party, it was gushing blood. Then, you mentioned something about their eyes, then they rushed you."

I flinched at the memories he was reviving for me. Victoria, and her puppet, Riley. And that poor little girl, Bree. Victoria's eyes were full of vengeance but Bree's was full of hunger - for me - for my blood.

"Then somehow your dream changed and you were suddenly back in Volterra, I believe in the great hall underground where the Volturi members ushered in all the tourists. You mentioned something about a little old lady clutching her crucifix. You tried to get her to follow you out to save her, but she looked terrified. Nothing you were saying could budge her. She apparently _was_ terrified..._of you_. Because your eyes...your skin, you were a vampire, Bella, and you were hungry. You were about to attack her when you woke up."

He looked down at my hands, both of which were now shaking, one hand was clutching the table and the knuckles on the other hand holding the pen were turning even more white than usual. He put his cold hand on top of mine, caressing my skin.

"Bella, breathe," Edward said.

I don't know how long I had stopped breathing, but if he hadn't said that I'm sure I would have gotten sick or swooned again. A wave of dizziness came and went and apparently I had broken out in a sweat. Thank goodness I was sitting down.

"Wow," I said and shuddered.

I haven't actually thought or heard the words Volturi or Volterra spoken aloud in weeks, it seems like years almost. Had it only been a month? What with worrying about the wedding and trying to rein in Alice's grand plans, worrying about mom, dad, and Jake…just everything, and of course our plans for how and when to turn me into a vampire, I completely forgot to be scared. Until I go to sleep, that is.

Well that would explain why my eyes hurt the next morning like I didn't sleep well, it's because I didn't. I just couldn't remember why.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

I nodded yes.

As the rush of the moment was passing and my pulse slowed down, due much of course to Edward's gentle touch, something just occurred to me.

"Oh, wait, didn't you say I said something about Jacob, too? I thought you meant he was in the dream but you didn't mention it just now," I said, curiously.

Looking somewhat sheepish Edward stopped caressing my hand, took his chestnut colored eyes off of mine and looked out the window instead. Again, he seemed to be looking for the right words. I've never seen him get flustered. I didn't like it.

"Well, again this is part of a memory mixed in with something else. The Volturi dream came first. You never fully woke up, so you were able to go right back to sleep. About an hour or so later..."

Starting to feel apprehensive, I asked, "What? What did I say?"

The suspense was killing me now.

I asked, "It can't be any worse than the first dream, can it?"_ Can it?_

Edward sighed a huge sigh, and said, "Bella, just know I don't blame you, okay. I know it was just a dream, and well you're only human."

This didn't bode well, not at all. I hated it when he said things like that. I took another deep breath.

Trying to be calm, he said, "Bella, you were reliving that moment you shared with Jacob on the mountain, after I had left and Jacob conned you into kissing him."

Right away, and before he could finish, I looked down and was too embarrassed to look up again. A sudden flash of anger, embarrassment and pain all hit me at once. I will never forgive myself for that as long as I live, or exist might be a better word, and to make matters worse now Edward is suffering for my indiscretions as well. I don't know what was worse, allowing Jacob to guilt me, the fact that I kissed him back or that once I stopped fighting my feelings I didn't want it to stop. The last part was the hardest to deal with.

"Well, that's not all," Edward continued. "Your dream continued to get more _vivid_." Suddenly, I began to put it together; the way Edward had been looking at me, the times he seemed preoccupied, his mysterious disappearance and inability to explain, just everything. I couldn't go on, I wouldn't let myself think the words. He couldn't be talking about this could he? _Please say it's not what I think it is!_

I swallowed hard and hoped a cataclysmic event would happen, like the world would open up or a meteor would hit me. Anything would be better than what I feared was about to be said.

He continued with a pained look, "Uh, it wouldn't be gentlemanly for me to recount in detail, in the light of day everything you said but in case it's not abundantly clear by now..."

_Kill me now_.

"You dreamed of the kiss, and according to your mumbling, dreamed about a lot more, _with him,_" Edward said looking down, grinding his teeth.

Horror and shame struck me so severely that I just put my forehead down on top of my hands and hoped this was a dream in itself. No, this was a nightmare! I could feel the heat flushing through my whole body, and I just know every ounce of it wound up in my face. The heat was radiating off of me. I can't believe it, but it must be true.

I had a _vividly_ erotic dream about Jacob...and Edward had heard the whole blasted thing.

"Oh my God," was all I could croak out.

Edward knew of the kiss, of course. We had already worked through this. But it was more than just a kiss or some stupid dream that bothered Edward and I was only too aware of this. Edward knew that kiss was The moment - the moment when I realized that I loved Jacob, not as a friend, not as a brother - fiercely and passionately. Very much so.

That kiss unleashed, unlocked and broke down every shield, every lie, every delusion I had ever had about us. We kissed in a way that Edward and I never have and never can in my current state and it's been all I could do to block it out.

The tent, the warmth…the kiss. If I allowed myself, it would be all I'd ever think about. And there are times I do, but those times are just for me. My private yearnings and thoughts aren't meant for anyone else to see. They're mine and mine alone, locked away in my memory and my heart. I never wanted to hurt Edward with that kiss. I just thought, I just thought…I don't know what I thought. I guess I thought if I held Jacob close he wouldn't want to fight, but I was wrong. I guess I thought as long as Edward was with me I could keep him out of harm's reach and away from Victoria, but I was wrong. I've been wrong so many times. And now even my dreams are hurting him.

It would be unfair to compare them, there is simply no way to compare one to the other. Like Fire and Ice. Edward is cold and hard as stone but he's tender, loving, receptive, euphoric, and mesmerizing. Jacob is hot and as tough as a brick wall, and has about as much tact, but he's passionate, exciting, familiar, accepting, and most of all addictive. Edward's love is inexplicable, practically transcendental by human standards. Jacob loves me just as I am, with all of my failings, with all of his human heart and then some, which is boundless and unrelenting in its own way. They're both gorgeous, they're both brilliant in their own ways, and they both love me.

I just wish I deserved either of them. Especially now.

When I'm awake I don't normally allow myself to even think about Jacob too much. On top of dealing with my newly discovered feelings for him, it hurts too much to have him out of my life. It hurts too much knowing I'm the reason he's gone and may not come back and it hurts too much to acknowledge that I've lost the best friendship of my life. Even though Edward has been in my heart so much for so long it never occurred to me, not even once there could be room for another. I love them in completely different ways. How can a heart love so much, so differently, so completely? How is it possible to love both equally?

_But I don't love them equally_, I reminded myself. I'm marrying Edward. I'm becoming a vampire just so I can spend my entire existence _with Edward_. I decided this long ago, long before I realized my feelings for Jacob. So that means I love Edward more, doesn't it? What else could that mean if not that? It's too late...isn't it?

When you get right down to it, I don't think about Jacob when I'm awake because I'm afraid. Edward is all I know, all I've dreamed about, all that my heart and soul have ever experienced. The whole idea of being with Jacob is an unknown variable that I've never even given any _real_ thought to. I'll be getting married and leaving soon, so quite frankly it's not something I should think about now - maybe ever - not even if I wanted to. Isn't it better to have severed ties now and put it all behind us?

You would think so.

Now if only I could get my stinking subconscious to think so, too.

* * *

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.


	6. Nostalgia

***The next few chapters will be in 3rd person narrative. I simply couldn't get everything I wanted out of this using only Jacob's POV and believe me I tried. This is merely a filler chapter, just to kind of remind you of certain things and let you know what's going on with the other characters. It's not all about J&B, you know. ***

* * *

**Nostalgia**

"JACOB! Oh my gosh man, I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever come back!" Seth exclaimed.

Jacob chuckled in spite of himself, Seth had such a way about him.

"I'm almost home, buddy. Send the word. Where is everyone anyway?" Running at full speed, even at still well over two hundred miles away, he noticed how unusually quiet the pack mind was. It was just he and Seth.

"I'll run back to the house and make some calls. Well, hey, it's Saturday night man, You know, date night. They're all out with their girls. It's just me and Leah tonight on patrol and she had to drop something off at the house first. It's so good to hear you again, man," Seth said, excitedly. "It's gonna be awesome to have you back, too. Just like old times!"

Jacob swallowed hard at that. "Yeah," was all he could utter. He just spent a good part of these last few weeks trying to forget all the "old times." The last thing he needed was to be reminded of everything, but he knew this was inevitable. _Just Seth and Leah, huh,_ he wondered.

But it made sense, he figured. The Cullens have shown that they're not a threat to the pack, the tribe or the town of Forks. It was odd to say it, but they've proven they can be trusted, with the general population anyway. There wasn't an immediate threat anymore to warrant a full pack patrol since the battle was over and all the newborns and their creators were dispatched. Just a skeleton crew to run the ship is more than enough in times of peace. However, peace or no peace, the wolves would be fools to completely let down their guard.

But now that he was back he still had some duties to perform within the pack and wanted to take care of things as soon as possible.

Running at top speed he was home by nightfall, an impressive feat by anyone's standards, even among werewolves. But Jacob was quite extraordinary in his abilities. He wasn't the Alpha, but he so easily could be if he wanted. All he had to do was claim it. He knew this better than anyone, but he relinquished his title for personal reasons. None of which matter anymore. Sam was the first. Sam's paid the ultimate price for that, he and Emily both have. Sam endured the terrifying realization he was turning into a monster all alone, and Sam was the one who saw his pack through the fight in the clearing - barking orders like a General ordering his troops in combat. It was a thing of beauty, majestic actually. Jacob knew that by right of blood and heritage he was designed to be the Alpha, but Sam had _earned_ it - the hard way. Unless there was good reason, Jacob would never dare take it from him.

At the house, Billy - not having to eat nearly as much as Jacob does - had only been to the store once or twice in the time that Jacob had been gone, so shopping had been easy. But as soon as Seth got back to his house and called and told him Jacob was on his way, Billy rushed out to the store and bought as much food as he could manage. He would be ready when Jacob clambered through the door, and knowing Jacob's appetite, Billy knew he'd better make enough to feed 10 lumberjacks.

About 8:30 that night, Jacob's footsteps could be heard stomping up the stairs trying to get the last remnants of mud off of himself and into the house. The house smelled wonderful. The best smell in the world.

Billy's famous spaghetti surprise. _An ancient family recipe,_ Jacob thought, amused. _I still don't think Ragu's been around that long_.

"Pop?" Jacob called, walking through the door.

"Jake?" Billy came rolling down the hall from his bedroom. "Jacob, my boy! Well I'll be, you _are_ home. Come here, give your old man a squeeze!" It took just one huge stride to reach his dad and when he did he planted a hug on him that lifted him up and took Billy's breath away. Billy let out a grunt.

"Oh, sorry, I guess I must have missed you or something," Jacob said, with a lump in his throat. His smile never reaching his eyes. Billy noticed Jacob's haggard appearance right away.

"Oh, and thanks for putting the clothes on the front porch, I knew I forgot to tell Seth something," said Jacob.

"My pleasure, believe me, kid, nobody needs to see that," and smacked Jacob on the butt as he passed by him into the kitchen.

"Oh, ha ha. Hey, you know you're getting sort of clever in your old age. Maybe you should take your act on the road," Jacob chuckled again.

"I would if I wasn't afraid of rolling off of it," Billy joked. They both laughed.

This little banter was music to Billy's ears, he hadn't heard Jacob laugh in a long time.

"Well, supper's ready if you're hungry and I'm guessing you are by the look of ya," Billy said in his usual semi-subtle way.

Elation was suddenly replaced with concern. Jacob couldn't have noticed this, but he had lost a lot of weight. Which would explain why his clothes now suddenly seemed to hang on him. He either wasn't eating enough or not eating well. Maybe both. Being a wolf 24/7 he would have had to hunt and feed like a wolf, which Jacob hated, but did it out of necessity. It amazed Jacob - the things you can do out of necessity.

Billy then began to wonder if maybe there was another reason for Jacob's straggly appearance. Billy knew full well not to say _her_ name or even mention the Cullens. No sense in kicking a dog while it's down. Anything to keep Jacob from wanting to leave again.

"Yeah, I'm starving actually, I didn't even notice how much until I got close to the house. I could smell it miles away," Jacob confessed and it was true. He knew he probably looked rough, but he didn't know just how bad until he saw his father's worried eyes.

_Huh, it takes a lot to ruffle the ole bird's feathers_, Jacob thought. _He's seen me look worse though. Hasn't he?_

After eating a hearty albeit silent meal they converged into the living room to let their food settle. Being home again made Jacob feel like he could get some actual rest. He definitely looked like he hadn't rested any since he left. Billy thought maybe this was due to the 3-lbs of spaghetti and meatballs in Jacob's belly, but the dark circles and nearly gaunt appearance simply could not be ignored.

_He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks,_ Billy thought, worried.

"So do I still have a room or have you rented it out to gypsies?" Jacob asked.

This was only a half-hearted question, as he knew Billy would never mess with anything in his room or get rid of his stuff. However, he still felt the need to ask if he could crash here for a while.

Jacob had never really seen himself as the wandering type. He loved the pack, the feeling of brotherhood, the unbreakable bond that tied them all together, however, he had the feeling something had changed. Maybe _he_ had changed. Billy seemed to pick up on this, too. Even though this was home, it didn't feel quite like home anymore. This was the family home, _his dad's_ home. Maybe his isolation took more of a toll than he could have imagined. Maybe all of the stories were true. That if you separate yourself from your pack long enough - as cliche as it sounds - you turn into a creature that can never trust or be a part of any pack again. A lone wolf. Feeling like a shell of his former self at the moment, however, he couldn't debate this one way or the other. He simply couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.

"Yeah, your room is still there, still got your stuff and everything the way you left it. Why don't you go pass out for a week or so. You know the way," Billy said with a slight smile. "Jacob!"

Jacob was suddenly jolted awake, apparently he nodded off part way through Billy's sentence. "Huh wha...? Oh yeah, great. Thanks dad. I'll see ya later then," he replied sleepily. He gave the old man a pat on the shoulder and slinked off to his room.

He didn't come out for three days.

* * *

**DAY 4:**

"So, how is he? Can't you go in there and wake him up?" asked Sue.

Sue Clearwater, old family friend and fellow tribal elder, came over a lot these days.

"I could but I don't think I want to just now. I heard him stirring in the bathroom this morning, but then he just went right back to bed. I think he's all right, just a little extra tired is all. I was actually planning on getting him up this afternoon and try to get some nourishment in him at least. You should have seen him, Sue. I almost didn't recognize him," Billy said with worry in his voice.

"I had no idea he was taking it that hard," Sue said.

"Neither did I," said Billy, in agreement.

"It takes time, you know that as well as I do."

"I know Sue, it's just…it's as if he doesn't have the will to…" Billy couldn't finish the sentence. "Well anyway," clearing his throat. "I mean, I knew he loved her. I guess the first one is always the roughest, huh," Billy's look of concern worried Sue.

Sue could sympathize, but not really empathize. She had married her first boyfriend. She and Harry had been inseparable for 27 amazing years, until this spring.

She felt bad for her old friend. Ever since Jacob left, she and Billy have been keeping company more times than not. What with her husband dying not long ago and the trouble she's been having with her own children, namely Leah, and with Billy being a widower himself it was good to have someone who could understand what she was going through, who better to understand than Billy. He was glad for the company, Sue was glad for the compassion. It was better than being alone, of which due to her kids' new duties she was alone a lot these days.

Seth and Leah didn't mind this arrangement one bit. In fact, it helped them out a lot. Sue had taken her husband's death as hard as any widow would. Add her growing concerns for her children's future and safety and she was practically inconsolable at times. Sue had always been as strong as a rock in her kids' eyes. So it was unbelievably hard for the kids to see someone so strong fall to pieces and there was nothing they could do. Their pack's duties came before anything in their personal lives, even their mom. Seth and Leah were grateful to Billy.

Like so many things, the death of a parent robs a child of his/her childhood, Leah and Seth were no different. Harry Clearwater meant the world to his family, his tribe, and the pack. A very noticeable piece of the puzzle was gone. Leah and Seth didn't have much time to grieve for their father when they first made the change. Just two months after their father passed they both made the transition into the pack. Leah being so old and Seth being so young is proof positive that age is not a factor. Need is.

In fact, it might even have been their grief and extreme emotional states that jumpstarted their metamorphoses. Whatever the reason, the time to grieve would have to come later.

But "later" never really came for Leah. It was very hard to do anything just for herself anymore. She used to be independent, she used to come and go as she pleased, where she pleased. She was finishing her senior year in high school when she began to develop symptoms of what she thought was the flu. Nothing would bring the fever down.

She felt strange, out of control, then when the debilitating stomach cramps started she knew something was wrong. Her blood tests came back and they were through the roof, everything was way off. The doctors thought she was having an appendicitis attack and were all set to operate when her mother and Billy intervened, recognizing the symptoms. They left against doctor's orders. Once the school was notified that Leah had "mono" they allowed Leah to finish out the year from home, although she had to miss all of the school activities every senior looks forward to.

Leah, of course, had heard all the tribal stories as a kid, the same as everybody on the rez. And like all the kids they weren't taken seriously. They were just that - legends, folk stories. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she had heard them before the bonfire some time ago, the same one Jacob brought Bella to. But knowing what she knew now, she absorbed every word said this time and took it to heart. She was proud of her heritage, proud of her tribe and her place in it, but she felt robbed. This is not the life she wanted. And as if it wasn't bad enough to have to change into this monstrous looking thing, she was stuck inside Sam's thoughts, and he hers. She looked forward to going away to school in the fall. One big advantage to that was to get away from him. Her future, like her present, seemed uncertain.

She hated the vampires probably more than anyone, except maybe for Jacob. The vamps just by existing have taken away everything she ever loved in this life.

Your life becomes the pack and what's best for the pack and what the pack leader decides, etc. Seth embraced this with open arms, but Leah - who had never really gotten over Sam imprinting on her cousin and leaving her - became ever more hostile, most times spewing her venom for no reason. But the pack kept her on in Harry's memory. It would have hurt Harry intensely if he'd known how his daughter had changed and that her pack turned their backs on her in her time of need. It had been a bad time for everyone.

Sue continued, "Well okay, when he finally comes around tell him I came by and I've got some things I want to discuss with him. I would really appreciate a visit from him soon," Sue smiled as she knew Billy didn't know what these things were she wanted to discuss, but that he trusted her enough to not even have to ask.

"Ok, I'll tell him. And thanks for bringing the stew. Jacob will enjoy it especially. Your stew and cornbread are fit for kings," Billy said, smiling big.

Sue laughed, "Oh Billy, it's just venison stew, don't make it sound like a 7-course meal. You're welcome, enjoy." And with Billy's last comment still fresh, she was still smiling to herself as she walked to her car.

Sue and Billy's friendship was something special. Not unlike Jacob and Bella's, back when they were just friends. Sue and Billy had never really seen the other in a romantic way. They were always just friends and quite happy with that.

But things change, they always do. However, as splendid a couple as they would make, these things take time and to rush something as beautiful as that would be like skipping a step or two to cook Sue's stew. Your rush to get it done, just ruins it in the end. Billy and Sue have a pace of their own.

Sue has had more pressing things to worry about. She knows Leah can fend for herself, but she also knows Leah hasn't been herself in months and is worried she'll do something she'll regret later. In spite of her rough exterior and bravado, it was very clear to those close to Leah that she was hurting.

Leah would have gladly taken off just like Jacob if it wasn't for the fact that Sam would never have let her go. They needed her. Plus, Leah hasn't learned control yet like Jacob, and being around people outside her family and tribe could be dangerous. If anyone ever doubts how dangerous a Quileute wolf can be when angered, one only has to see Emily's face. Too, with Seth in the pack she needed to look after him. She loved her brother dearly, but since she couldn't rely on the pack to keep him out of trouble, she felt obligated. This only added to her bitterness.

To make matters worse, Seth's ever-growing fascination and affection for the Cullens added fuel to the fire. She lacked Jacob's tolerance for Seth's feelings towards them and had no qualms about telling him so every chance she got, in-and-out of wolf form.

Now that all immediate danger seemed to be behind them, there was no need to keep watch over Bella 24/7. The wolves could breathe easy and get their own lives back on track.

Sam and Emily had put off their wedding because of the whole newborns mess. Their wedding, in about a week, would be the start of a whole new life for them and everyone couldn't be happier.

Well, almost everyone.

Leah answered the knock on her door…

* * *

***Another point I should have made is my story goes along at a glacial pace compared to some fanfiction. There's a reason for that - it's all Bella's fault, because she's so stubborn lol. I can't simply have a proverbial light bulb go off over her head, although I wish it were that simple. I wouldn't buy anything as easy as that and you probably wouldn't either, not after reading 4 terminally long books showing her bullheadedness. So it's important that we give the characters a chance to figure things out at a believable pace. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that you've taken a chance on watching my story unfold of SM's characters. I want to thank my loyal readers for deciding to tag along to see where this goes. So please bear with me as I get this all figured out. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your patience and your interest.

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***


	7. The Proposal

*******The next couple of chapters are kinda long, this couldn't be helped. I could have split them but I think you guys can handle it. You've managed pretty well so far. And because I got such super awesome comments, I'll go ahead and tell you that Bella & Jake finally meet in the next chapter. It's emotional, you won't want to miss it. This is how much I love my readers! You spur me to want to try harder and give you guys my best efforts.***

* * *

**The Proposal**

"Well, Jacob. I'm surprised to see you. I thought maybe you had run off to Middle Earth or something," Leah said with acid in her tone.

His answer was equally snide, "Hey Leah, yeah, you know I did actually. It turns out they're really missing their favorite troll - you should stay in touch more."

A smirk crossed his face as a low growl could be heard resonating from Leah. Jacob stood strong not backing down. She was irritating but she wouldn't get to him tonight no matter what she said. He stared at her until she looked away. The air had grown thick around them. He continued with the business at-hand.

"Your mom mentioned something to dad the other day about wanting to see me, is she here?"

Not wanting to assist him in any way, Leah rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah she's here. Where else would she be?"

Resisting the urge to knock her senseless, Jacob asked through gritted teeth, "May I see her?" Having a fight in Sue's house wasn't an option so he kept his anger in check. They continued to stare at each other for one second too long.

Being second in command Jacob didn't have to be polite. She knows this. He could have just ordered her and she would have had to obey no matter what. This was true in and out of wolf form. But he was tired of having to throw his weight around for every little thing, he shouldn't have to. The less they talked the better, although that troll jab made him feel pretty good.

Leah called out to her mom and walked away leaving the door open. This conversation was clearly over, which suited him just fine. He walked in and closed the door behind him.

Sue came out and was so happy to see him.

"Jacob! Oh my goodness, you dear thing. I haven't seen you in so long - oh, I've forgotten how tall you are," she said as she hugged him.

Sue was always an amiable person. Friendly, trustworthy and very intuitive. Someone you could go to for advice on virtually any topic and she never judged you. She was very no-nonsense. Her one flaw, if you could call it that, is she wanted to get into everyone's business. Not for the purpose of gossiping. She just wanted to help. Sue was always helping people out, whether they asked for it or not. This would occasionally rub people the wrong way, but they didn't know Sue's heart the way the Blacks did. Everyone should have a Sue Clearwater in their life.

"Hey Sue, how you doing?" Jacob said, as they finished their hug. He was genuinely glad to see her. Sue was glad to see his smile although she noticed what Billy had been talking about the other day. Jacob had changed, _a lot_. The light in his eyes was gone and it would take several more weeks of stew and pasta to fatten him up again. He looked drawn, like the only thing keeping him going was sheer momentum. _A stiff breeze could probably knock you over,_ she thought.

"I'm good, I'm good. Come on in, I've got some things I want to talk to you about."

They reached the living room and both sat down. Jacob had to edge past the coffee table to sit down and wound up scooting it over entirely to make room for his enormous body. The world just doesn't accommodate large people it seems.

After a few more pleasantries Jacob got down to business.

"So what's up, Sue?"

"Well Jacob, first off, how are you?"

"I'm good." It was all Jacob would interject.

"Good. Okay, well I guess I should just get right to the reason for your visit then. Well, first off I hear Sam's quite relieved you're back. I don't know if you've seen Sam yet, have you?"

"Nope. I was actually going to go there first but dad said you had something important to go over with me."

"Oh, well good, I do," she said. Sue bit her lip, a little unsure where to begin. Jacob got the feeling she was nervous about something. "I was just wanting to know if you wouldn't mind telling me what your future plans were once you're done with school and all. Do you think you'll be staying here, in the pack or did you have other plans?"

"I, uh, haven't actually thought about it," he said. And that was the truth. A day-to-day existence was all Jacob could handle right now. He honestly didn't feel like attending school anymore either. Maybe it was his wolf advancing his physique so much or all the things he's been through in the last few months, but Jacob felt significantly aged. It seemed almost silly for him to attend high school with a bunch of kids now. Even if he wanted to finish - things were still so unsure with vampires in the area. What if _others_ return? Besides, he had absolutely nothing in common with any of those kids anymore and felt as lost as a piece of driftwood. Plus, all of his close friends were in the pack, too, and may not finish either for some of the same reasons. Thank God for the GED.

Jacob asked, "Where are you going with this, Sue?"

"Well I'm not just curious for curiosity sake. I'm asking as a tribal elder. Sam's marriage has us a little worried. We don't yet know what their plans are for the future. If there's to be a change in the hierarchy of this tribe, we need to know about it as soon as possible. If Sam's not the Alpha anymore, you know what this would mean, don't you?"

He thought about it for half a second, but the realization weighed on him like a ton of bricks.

"Oh."

_Man, I have been out of it. It's come back to that_, he thought. He felt like someone just kicked him in the stomach and slapped him up side the head all at the same time.

"But I don't understand, Sue. He can still be a chief and a husband, can't he? Why does it have to be one way or the other?"

"It doesn't, under ordinary conditions," Sue confirmed. "But the only reason Sam is the Alpha to begin with is because you gave up your birthright. He's filling in for you. Right now we can literally leave everything as it's always been, but because he's imprinted, that changes things. His loyalties are now divided. They're both so young, Jake. Sam would follow Emily anywhere she wanted to go, unquestionably. We're fine _today_, they're not going anywhere today, but what about tomorrow?"

"Of course," Jacob knew she was speaking of the unknowable future. No one could have known just how far the ripple effects of an imprinting would go or how many lives it could touch. There is much more at stake here than he gave any thought to.

_It never even occurred to me, _Jacob thought._ Sam wouldn't survive living even one day without Emily. For Sam, "forever" begins and ends with her, it's not even an option. She's his everything. Once Sam gives up changing into a wolf he'll eventually be more of a full husband to Emily and pull away from the pack. He'll even start aging again. It's just a matter of time before he chooses Em over the pack.  
_

_And what happens to the tribe if he does reject his alpha position? Emily's been great about supporting Sam and the rest of us, even with everything that's happened to her, but she won't want to do that forever would she? They're both young still. Maybe this isn't what either of them want. The second Sam chooses Emily's wishes over the pack's, the alpha automatically reverts back...to me. By default. _

Sue watched Jacob's reaction as all these realizations set in. She let him process it all. If it wasn't such a serious subject it would almost be funny.

She continued, "Tribal law states the alpha can lead the tribe, but no one leads the alpha. Sam has done a marvelous job, we're all very proud of his leadership and very thankful for everything he and Emily have done. Your decisions for turning down your position are yours to make, but if I understand things, those reasons are no longer valid. Is that right?"

Jacob couldn't look at her as he swallowed hard, "Yes. Things have changed in that area."

"So, now we're back where we started from. Life really does go in circles, doesn't it? We're fine with whatever you decide, but we need to know as soon as you do."

He nodded. "So, Sam hasn't said anything about what he plans to do then?"

"Not to us, none of it's been mentioned within the pack either. We're not concerned exactly. Just curious about the future, yours and ours."

"So you want me to check on that for you? Is that why I'm here?"

"Well, partly. We could have asked him ourselves, of course, but I just thought maybe he'd feel more comfortable talking it over with you instead of a bunch of old fogeys," she chuckled.

Jacob smiled, "_Sooo_, you mentioned 'partly' just now. What's the other part?" Jacob asked.

"Hmm, well I've thought it over and correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that your return to LaPush is just temporary," she looked at him quizzically, "Am I wrong to assume this?"

_Wow, she knows me better than I thought,_ Jacob realized. He hadn't talked to anyone about his feelings about his home, or Bella or anything. This really took him by surprise.

_Where's she going with this?_

Sue took his silence as a yes. "Well I was thinking, provided Sam is okay with this, too, that when the time was right if you'd want to live somewhere else for a while? It wouldn't have to be forever, just get away from here if it's too hard, and just figure some stuff out. I'll talk to Billy if you want. I'm sure he'd be fine with it, actually."

"What? Where?"

"How's Hawaii sound?"

"Hawaii?" He had no idea how he looked but he was dumbfounded. Sue was laughing at his reaction.

"Well, it's not like I'm asking you to swim there or fly to Mars or anything. Hawaii is just across the pond from here, and I believe you already know someone living there."

Jacob just realized who she was talking about, "Oh, Rebecca?"

"Of course, Rebecca, silly. Unless you have another sister living there that I don't know about."

Jacob's older sister, Rebecca was living in Hawaii with her husband, a well-respected, and successful Samoan surfer. They were doing pretty well for themselves from what he and Billy have heard.

Sue continued, "Planes leave out of Seattle for the islands all the time and airfare isn't expensive, believe it or not. I'd pay for your ticket and your expenses for the entire visit, within reason of course."

Jacob still couldn't believe it. _Hawaii_. This was about as unbelievable as it gets. There's no way he just heard that. He must still be in bed - dreaming. "What did Rebecca say?" he asked.

"She was all for it. She's coming for Sam's wedding so we can discuss the details then. Well?"

"Sue, why would you do this? I don't know what to say. Are you sure about this? How can you afford it?"

"Harry's life insurance policy. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm pretty comfortable now. I can certainly afford this, it would be my pleasure. It would be good for you to see there's life outside of Forks. Something beyond the trees."

"Sue, this is SO generous but I can't possibly..."

"Just think about it, okay?" she insisted.

Still completely shocked Jacob shook his head 'yes' and got up to go.

Feeling guilty again, he tried to reason with her, "Sue, this is too much. You should give the money to Seth or Leah, something for their school, or a car or whatever."

"Don't worry about the kids, they're already taken care of, and besides, Leah has plans for school in the fall as long as her temper doesn't foul it up. Sam's worried about that, actually. But if she can tough it out till then that will be her path. Besides, Leah's a bridesmaid as you know and has her duties to Emily first."

"Yeah, I know, that's rough. I couldn't do it...I mean...well you know what I mean," Jacob laughed.

Sue laughed too. "She'll get through it, somehow. Leah's still in mourning and well, that takes time."

He wasn't sure what Leah was mourning: The loss of losing Sam, the loss of her father or the loss of her freedom. Surely the loss of Harry would overshadow everything else, but Leah was still really raw over Sam and Emily even though so much time had passed since he imprinted. Maybe it didn't matter which loss it was. Loss is loss.

Sue continued, "I learned all about this in grief counseling when Harry died, the stages you know; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Guess which one Leah's in," she said, her eyebrow arching upward.

Jacob made a sound, something between a snort and a sucky teeth noise. Jacob wondered if there was an Cranky Ass Bitch phase in there somewhere. He hoped she'd hurry up and move to the rest.

Sue continued reading Jacob's answer on his face. "Leah's choosing to dwell on the past. Which means until she finally makes the decision to move on, I'm afraid you boys are just sort of stuck with it, sorry," she looked regretful.

Jacob exhaled, "So, you know the kinds of things she's been saying?"

"Oh yes, Seth's let me in on it," she said. "I've tried talking to her about it but she just rolls her eyes and says stuff like, '_If they can't handle it, too bad_,' and walks away. Actually, if memory serves, she used a pretty choice word in there somewhere. I'm censoring her."

"Right," he gritted his teeth. He was reminded of their exchange at the door just now and was regretting not going off on Leah after all, like instinct told him. _I won't be so kind next time you little witch_. "We can handle Leah, don't worry about it. We don't listen to anything she says anyway. Our hides are pretty thick. Like our skulls." It made a deep knock-knock noise when he tapped his head with his knuckle.

He didn't want to worry her, Sue had enough to worry about. He gave her a hug as he was leaving. "So, I guess I'll just see you at the wedding, then."

"Okay. Tell Billy I'll be by tomorrow evening. I'm taking him to Bingo."

Jacob couldn't suppress the surprise in his voice or on his face. "_Oh!_ Uh, okay, I'll tell him."

And with that, Jacob left Sue's place feeling lighter than he had in ages. In fact, he was feeling so out-of-body he had a hard time concentrating on the best way to get home. He wound up getting turned around a couple of times. He thought it highly unlikely that he would take her up on her offer, but it sure felt nice to have someone on your side who understood. It also felt good to have options. Options are good.

* * *

The next few days passed rather quickly. It turns out weddings are time consuming, Jacob realized. They take a lot of preparing, planning, fetching, ordering and setting everything up, etc. He even helped out by taking Emily to her final fitting, while at the same time getting his tux taken in. They had to go by Sam's measurements while Jacob was gone so it didn't fit quite right, mainly because of all the weight he had lost, no one could have known that would happen. But these were easy fixes. Standing in front of the full-length mirrors that show every angle at once, Jacob finally saw what everybody else had been seeing when they looked at him. He hardly recognized himself.

He really would have preferred to skip this step entirely. Being the only guy in a bridal shop with nearly every pair of eyes on you was enough to make a guy feel self-conscious. But he was glad to help. Anything to keep his mind off of his problems. This kind of stuff will just never make sense to a guy, though. Why go through all of this when it's over in 10-15 minutes?

He was just glad it wasn't him in the middle of it. Poor Sam was a nervous wreck. Jacob didn't think he was nervous of the marriage, far from it. Just the wedding. Afraid Jacob would forget the rings perhaps, which as his best man, Jacob was pretty sure he could handle this one job, but Sam was still terrified. Maybe he was afraid of the bachelor party, and afraid of the fallout if he had too good a time. If that was it then he should be afraid, _very afraid_, but Jacob thought this was unlikely too. Sam just seemed a little extra worried these days.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Emily asked, as she tried on different veils. She had already bought one but wasn't sure if it matched the vision in her head of how she wanted to look.

Jacob knew what she meant by this. She wanted to discuss Bella. "Not really," never looking up to meet her eyes, he continued to fuss with the collar, cussing under his breath.

Emily was eyeing Jacob suspiciously, trying to read him. "Well, can I ask something else then? I wouldn't ask ordinarily you know, you can choose to not answer if it's uncomfortable but…"

He looked her square in the eye this time. "Em, there's nothing to talk about because there's nothing to talk about. I'm fine really. _Really,_" and faked a small smile for her.

"Okay."

She continued to fuss with the veil, switching one out with another. She didn't really seem interested in any of them and he wondered if his being here was really just her chance to talk to him alone. She seemed to have something on her mind.

Exhaling deeply, "What's on your mind, Em?" trying to keep any hint of annoyance out of his voice.

She raised her eyebrows, surprised that he changed his mind, and said, "It's nothing. I just, I uh, just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here. It wouldn't be the same without you," and smiled as much as her face would allow.

He never noticed her scars anymore, none of the pack did. But he noticed some people in the store looking at her, or worse, painfully trying to avoid looking at her. Emily wasn't stupid, or blind. She sees what they see in the mirror everyday, but in the eyes of everyone that loved her she was still the same beautiful Emily they always knew, and that in turn made her feel beautiful again. Which actually _made_ her beautiful again. In fact, she was glowing.

Emily quickly averted her eyes. He could tell she was on the verge of tears and looking him in the eyes would have toppled them over.

_Ugh, I can't stand to see women cry, it breaks my friggin heart_, he thought, angry at himself.

"Em, I'm sorry if I was short with you a minute ago. I guess I'm just…a jerk. I don't know what's wrong with me."

He quickly went over and gave her a little hug. Neither of them said anything that wasn't wedding related for the rest of the time in the store.

* * *

A short time later, after all the alterations were taken care of, they were driving home. Ordinarily Jacob would have the radio turned completely off, it seemed like every song that came on was either a love song or a break up song. But fearing Emily would bring that topic up again, he turned the radio up extra loud. It didn't work.

"Jacob, I have a question to ask, so just swallow your tongue or something till I'm done okay?" she said with confidence.

Jacob hung his head in defeat. He reached over and turned the radio off. He really didn't feel like discussing Bella with her or anybody. "Okay. Whatcha wanna know?"

"Okay, does Leah say anything to you about, me or Sam, or anything for that matter?"

This threw him.

"Uh, no, not to me anyway. I mean, I don't know any more than everybody else in the pack. Why do you ask?"

"Well, as you know she and I were really close once. Now we don't talk at all. I can't say that I blame her in the least. But if things were on better terms, if it wasn't Sam I was marrying, _she_ would have been my maid of honor, _she'd_ be here helping me instead of you. I miss that. I miss her."

_Of course._ So much has gone down since Sam and Em got together, and so much is said about Sam and Leah's past that Jacob forgot about Emily and Leah's past. Their very close almost sisterly relationship.

"You know I didn't want Leah as my bridesmaid, right? I mean, given the circumstances, come on. I knew it would be asking way too much. I never even dreamed she'd say yes."

"So why did you?" he asked. "You had to know that would be hard for her."

"It sounds crazy, but it was family politics. It's complicated but I don't have too many female relatives of a certain age for my wedding party. They're either too old, too young or weren't available. My friends would have gladly stepped in but it was really important to my mom and her sisters that there be at least one family member in the bridal party. It's tradition. They really felt that even though it was poor timing and all, that once everything was set into motion it would all just work itself out somehow."

He scoffed and said, "They have _met_ Leah haven't they?"

Emily laughed. "I know. It's crazy how those old ladies think. But then one of them asked me the question I never expected to have to answer. She asked, 'what would you do if things were reversed?'"

Jacob was confused at first but then realized, "Oh you mean, if Sam imprinted on Leah and then left you to be with her?"

She nodded.

"Wow."

"Yeah. They didn't want me to answer it right away, casually. As hard as it was, I had to do an awful lot of soul searching. I went back and forth for a while and just when I was sure I had an answer, I changed my mind again. I had a lot of stuff to sort out before I could answer honestly. Finally, I came to the same conclusion the ole biddies did. In spite of the hurt, in spite of potential embarrassment, I love my cousin, with all my heart. I really believe and feel that I would have put aside my feelings, _for one day_, for her. Because when it's all said and done, we're family. I love Sam but he'll never be my blood. Guys come and go, but Leah and I will _always_ be family. And I know that ultimately, nobody could have helped how this turned out. Perhaps she feels she was betrayed and cheated on, but that's not the case. You know that. She might even feel this is all happening too soon but that's not true either. It's been two years."

It's been more than that actually, but it took Emily several more months before she finally developed feelings for Sam. Like Sue said, Leah's willfully hanging onto a grudge, feeding it and it feeding her.

"I hoped, too, that this wedding would in some way be the start of her letting go. In all this time, I don't think they've spoken two words to each other that wasn't pack related or insults. I hoped this would be her chance to, I don't know - say goodbye - symbolically, if nothing else. You can't heal otherwise. In all this time, I don't think she's had a chance to do that. _It's important to say goodbye_," she said.

That last sentence carried a lot of gravity. His throat felt suddenly thick as he swallowed hard. He knew she was right. He knew she was speaking of Leah, but a part of him wondered if she was really speaking of …

"Are you okay? You got quiet, and well _we're home_."

He gasped. Somehow he had pulled into the driveway and parked with no memory of it. Twenty miles flew by and he doesn't recall seeing one road sign, car or tree. He must have been so engrossed in their conversation he was on automatic pilot.

"I'm fine."

This had been an amazing car ride. It took him a second to shake off the disorientation, as they brought their packages into the house. Just a few more days until the wedding and there was still lots to do.

_Thank goodness._

* * *

Before they knew it, the day of the wedding had arrived. It was 15 minutes until the wedding and Jacob was looking all around the floor for something.

"Hey Sam, have you seen the rings? I know I put them down somewhere."

Sam's eyes got as big as saucers and were literally changing color when Jacob broke out laughing.

Jacob ducked as Sam threw a flower vase at him shattering it against the window pane behind him. It would have hit Jacob, too, if he hadn't seen it coming a mile away.

A controlled growl escaped Sam's lips, "Don't do that to me you ass, you nearly scared me to death!"

"You gotta loosen up man. You're too serious," Jacob said, straightening his jacket as he stood. "I don't know what you're worried about anyway. It's not like she'd ever bail on you."

"That's not what I'm worried about," Sam said. He was clearly preoccupied with something and it was beginning to dawn on Jacob that it had nothing to do with cold feet or wedding day jitters.

"Well, what is it then? You've been grumpy for days."

"Well, I guess you're going to find out soon enough anyway." He was fussing with his tie, but no matter how much he fiddled with it it wouldn't lie the way he wanted. "I was against this you should know. I told her this is just going to cause all kinds of problems but she wouldn't listen to me," Sam said. After cussing some more he finally gave up on trying to make it straight and started all over.

Jacob wrinkled up his face in a confused expression. _Should I be worried?_ he wondered.

"Emily invited the Cullens...and Bella."

The sound of her name made Jacob flinch involuntarily. Jacob had done a careful job since he came back to not mention her name, to not even think about her. He had also been avoiding _changing_ just so he didn't accidentally hear someone else mention her or the Cullens in the pack mind. Also, thanks to the wedding he had very little time to think about anything else. It honestly never occurred to him he would see her, or them, _at Sam's wedding_.

Wasn't there too much bad blood still? Maybe they wouldn't come, but just the possibility of seeing her again coming in on _his_ arm was enough to make Jacob want to explode.

Sam seeing Jacob's distress ordered in his Alpha voice, "Maintain, Jacob. Look at me. Relax!"

On receiving the order, Jacob did as he was told and was able to calm down enough to stop the change. His breathing slowed and his vision cleared up, no longer seeing red.

Furious, Jacob growled, "How could you not tell me? You've had all this time to say something! I can't believe you're telling me this now!"

"This is why I didn't tell you. I need you here, Jacob, I need your help today. In case you haven't noticed I'm freaking-the-fuck-out myself!" Sam gave another exasperated grunt and yanked the tie out of its botched up loop and began to tie it again.

"This is my wedding day! I can't stand any of those Cullens any more than you, and the thought of having them at MY wedding...It's all I can do to stop changing _myself_ and just do what comes naturally. But that would kill Emily if I ruined the wedding and it would kill me if I hurt her again. I-will-never-hurt-her-again!" Watching Sam speak through his teeth as if in pain, physically and mentally, Jacob knew what cold dark place this was coming from in Sam's heart. Sam will never forgive himself for hurting Emily, not for as long as he lives and that can conceivably be for a very long time.

"Do you understand that, Jacob? Do you understand what it means to put someone you love above your own needs?"

Jacob taken aback by Sam's statement could only nod in agreement. He did understand in theory what it was like, at least somewhat, to put someone else's needs ahead of your own. But always before he had had some ulterior motive or backup plan. It was never selfless, not the kind of selfless love Sam was speaking of. Jacob gave up fighting for Bella in large part because he knew it was eating her up to be so torn. But in his heart of hearts he knew she chose Edward. Maybe he was kidding himself for thinking he gave her up, when in fact it's always been Edward.

It was sort of hard to distinguish which of the things were genuine that Jacob did for her. To be honest, some of it had a self-serving purpose, making any truly selfless act all the less potent. He wasn't a bad guy, and he knew this in his heart. He was just a guy, a teenager, selfish and self-centered, who made mistakes like anyone else. No better, no worse.

Which meant sometimes he had to learn the hard way, make bad choices and deal with the consequences. He wasn't proud of his past actions, and listening to Sam just now made him feel even more humbled.

Sam was important to him, Emily was, too, he loved her like a sister. It was his honor to stand up for Sam today. Taking Sam's lead he knew now that he would do it with a hundred vampires in the room if he had to. He will smile when he is supposed to smile, he will laugh when he is supposed to laugh and he will perform all of his best man duties to the letter.

_For Sam and Emily, I will endure seeing Bella today, too,_ he thought. Finding the courage and resolve he'd been looking for, Jacob vowed to make good on his promises, he just hoped it was enough.

Taking a deep breath, Jacob said, "Okay. You want me here, I'm here. I'm here for you guys, all the way."

And he truly meant it.

Jacob slapped Sam's hands away and finished tying him up. They were ready. They shook hands just to end up hugging. Smiling guiltily, Jacob pulled the rings out of his inside jacket pocket to show Sam, who breathed a sigh of relief and mussed up Jacob's hair.

Just then, the other groomsmen came stumbling in all over each other and making a ruckus. The werewolf groomsmen were all dressed impeccably well and looked quite handsome even though none of them looked at all comfortable. The tailor had a time making alterations for them, not just because of their large size but to accommodate any potential growth spurts. Everyone's fingers were crossed that they didn't grow right out of their clothes today.

Following close behind, Leah walked into the room, looking quite stunning in her silky, knee-length, taupe bridesmaid's dress. Ignoring the guys' wolf whistles she came to say those two fateful words:

"It's time."

* * *

A/N: Disclaimer, the characters, setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

***Jacob's reasons for turning down the Alpha position was never discussed to my satisfaction in the books so I had to address it but the whole answer will come in a later chapter. I just wanted to bring it to light in this chapter to remind you of it. I hope my explanation for Leah and Emily was enough, although to be honest no explanation will ever be enough for me. Why would SM have Leah be in the wedding party? Does anyone know? WTF!***


	8. The Wedding

***Yay, the moment you've been wondering about is here. I've had the best comment responses! I'm glad you're sticking around because there's more after this, a lot more. The story's _maybe_ halfway done, so just hang in there. I promise you, B and J will get it right one of these days.

* * *

**The Wedding - JPOV  
**

Ok, I'm a guy, but even _I_ had to admit it, the wedding was beautiful. So many flowers, so many people all dressed up nice, and so many smiles. _This_ is why women go to so much trouble! Everyone coming together for something positive for a change, I'd almost forgotten what that was like. Then, the bride made her grand entrance and everyone gasped. Emily looked gorgeous, beaming, as she walked with her father. He had _that look_, the same look all fathers have when walking their daughters down the aisle.

I didn't look up to notice if Emily's special guests were here, I didn't have to. I made a deliberate choice not to look around, even as that old familiar stench wafted through the air. It was intense. _The Cullens were here_.

_For Sam and Emily._

I chanted these words over and over again all the while being reminded of why I'm here - to stop Sam and the pack from jumping over the pews into the audience and ripping each leech to pieces. It's amazing how strong the instinct is, how easy it can be to let it take over anything human in you and even more amazing how strong I was to resist this - more than any of the others. Even Sam had not developed a tolerance to being around them as I had. I understood fully now, I'm here to keep the peace. _Damn. _

Every time I got a whiff of those parasites it curdled my stomach. It was all I could do to not throw up. I heard a low growl coming from the line of groomsmen and ordered them to stop, which they did. This is going to be hard on everyone I see.

_For Sam and Em_. _For Sam and Em._

I knew Em and Bella liked each other, I also knew Em felt a strong sense of gratitude to the vampires for doing their part in the clearing _that day_ and with helping me in my recovery. It made sense that she would invite them so I couldn't feel any aggravation towards her. The entire pack supports her decision, but it was still hard for us. I couldn't be angry with Em if I tried, she meant well. There wasn't a malicious bone in her body.

I never looked into the crowd to see which ones showed because I didn't have to. Being around them so much when we were in the clearing I had become attuned to each of their scents. I could track each individual vamp from miles away if given the opportunity. And I was sure Bella was here too. Even amongst the stink I could pick her scent out. _How can she_...?

Stopping myself in mid-thought I decided it didn't matter. There's no use in asking pointless questions, cause all you'll get are pointless answers. It wouldn't help anyway, none of it made sense. Another reason it doesn't matter is because it doesn't change anything. She made her choice.

The only thing I had to do now was be sure Super Leech didn't have full access to my thoughts. It's hugely unfair that he should know what I'm thinking on top of everything else. He's already taken so much from me, I won't let him have that, too. I managed to block him before, I'd do it again.

The wedding went off without a hitch. They said their I-do's and the rings were exchanged - I'd never seen Sam shake so much that wasn't wolf related - I couldn't help but laugh. As the couple were pronounced "man and wife", Sam kissed his blushing bride like a man who couldn't wait another second. It was as if not holding or kissing her for even one minute caused him great pain. Then that was it. The whole thing took 14 minutes tops, like I figured, but nobody cared. Em got the wedding she'd always dreamed of and Sam got his bride. Nothing could make this day bad.

The reception was just starting and the receiving line seemed to take forever. I was anxious to get to the food, the dancing, the flower bouquet toss thing, the cake cutting, anything to get this night over with and get away from having to stand here and make small talk with 100+ people, not to mention the ones who were making my nose burn.

"Hey Jacob!" said Charlie as he reached for my hand.

"Charlie! Hey, it's good to see you, glad you could make it!" I didn't realize until just now how much I had missed him, too.

"Oh I wouldn't have missed it. So, I see you're all healed up now. You look good, a little skinny but as big as ever. Billy said you had gone to go visit some relatives. I have to admit when you didn't come back I was wondering if that was really the whole story or if he was putting one over on me," he said, laughing.

I laughed, "No, no conspiracy. I'm all healed up. Just needed a change of scenery." I didn't say why but I'm sure I didn't have to. _Gone to visit relatives huh? Good one, dad_.

"Well, I'd better get through the rest of the line, let's talk some more in a bit, huh. It was good seeing you, Jake!"

"You, too," I said, smiling.

I almost hated seeing Charlie leave, only because I knew who would be coming up next. I braced myself.

"Hi Jacob."

It's hard to explain really what I was feeling. When I used to imagine our first meeting I had several things scripted to say. I used to wonder how it would feel, how I would react. But it was nothing like I thought. It seemed like we were in a vacuum, just her and me, and for one long second I had forgotten everything that happened from before, all the bad stuff. I felt heat rising up from the pit of my stomach warming me. It was the most alive I had felt in a long time. _Just me and Bells again, __if only for a second_. But as quickly as it came it was gone, everything inside iced over as I remembered it all again.

"Hey Bells," I said, remembering Sam's words, "Maintain Jacob, look at me, relax." I took a quick look at Sam who took a quick look at me. He nodded as if he understood how hard this was for me.

I smiled at her but I know it wasn't a full smile. I couldn't manage one. It was the same kind of mechanical smile I had given everyone today. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. I could read Bella like a book, I was one of the few people in her life who could. I knew her bloodsuckers couldn't and even if they lived hundreds of years with her they'd never be able to read her like I could. I had to admit, that gave me a sweet kind of satisfaction.

In just 2.5 seconds I was able to read in Bella's face:

"_He looks so different, he's lost weight. Uh oh he didn't smile big, it looked fake to me. Should I give him a hug? Would that be too much? What do I do? Will Edward be mad? I don't want Jacob to think I'm mad at him. Why doesn't he hug me or something?_"

Taking the initiative if only just to move the line along, I reached down and gave her a hug, which she gladly reciprocated. As mechanical as it was it did seem to lighten the mood. I used to feel a strange butterflies feeling whenever we would get close. But right now, nothing. I felt dead inside. This suited me just fine. I didn't want to feel anything right now.

I could tell she wanted to say something else but she seemed to be fighting it or it was fighting her. If I didn't know any better I'd think she had some kind of injunction on her. This reminded me of the time I was in her room trying to tell her about the pack.

I broke the silence. "Come find me later, we'll talk then, okay. I've got some best man duties to do."

"Oh, okay," she was fine with this. I could see the relief in her face. This wasn't a lie, I really did have some things to do first. Duty and family first. And Bella wasn't a part of my family, anymore.

I was fighting every single one of my instincts as I braced myself for the rest of them. And from the look on their faces they were having just as hard a time being around us. The entire Cullen clan showed up and some part of me was glad for Sam and Emily that the vamps were here. They were given a special sanction in order to be on our side of the boundary, not just today, but indefinitely. Provisionally, of course.

It seems when I was gone, Sam and Carlisle were in talks. The Cullens weren't free to come and go as they pleased into the Quileute territories, but as long as they respected our boundary and promised not to go too deep into our area without first telling us their business, we promised to allow some leniency - within reason.

This allowed them to keep watch for others of their kind while also allowing for a wider span in which to hunt their food of preference. We, by all means, did not want them to go hungry. This was necessary in eliminating having to worry about policing them or wearing ourselves out trying to watch the border every second of every day. Or worse, lose chase of a rogue vampire that crossed over into our territory or theirs again, like the redheaded leech did. Likewise, we were at liberty to come and go anywhere into Forks as needed. This truce served everyone well, for as long as it lasts anyway.

It spoke well of the Cullens that they would show for something like this. They were just as surrounded by their mortal enemies as we were. Could some of the old animosity between our clans be coming to an end, to be replaced with something new? It was too early to say. Because once the treaty is broken, none of that "progress" will matter. It depends entirely on them.

As Edward got closer I could sense a shift in the air. A tension emanating off of one of us. It was Paul. Always the hot-head, Paul was gritting his teeth and shaking, he looked like he was on the verge of losing it. I quickly shot him a hard look and whispered at a level only we could hear.

"Back Down!" He quickly averted his eyes and did as he was told but under protest. I don't know if the bloodsuckers heard and I don't really care. This was all still a little too new, socializing with the enemy.

"Jacob," Edward said, as cordial as always. He didn't let on that he heard anything. I'm sure he could read anything going on in Paul's mind anyway, and I'm absolutely sure it was colorful as hell.

"Edward," I said equally bland. Neither of us bothered with any small talk but neither of us looked away, either. You didn't have to be a mind-reader to know what we were thinking. You could feel it. In spite of it all though I think I handled myself pretty well. Sam would be proud.

We shook hands and it somehow took me by surprise. I was prepared for how cold and hard his hand would be, but there was no bone-breaking He-man grip or attempt to rip my arm out of its socket. Silly as it sounds, it all made me hate him that much more. I just wish for once he would show some kind of emotion instead of always acting like an uptight ice sculpture. I think I'd respect him more. His reluctance to never show his true feelings made me distrust him that much more.

I, then continued on to the next person who was Carlisle, then his wife, etc. I put on a show that should have won me an Academy Award. [sighs]_ It's going to be a long day._

The reception was in full swing now. When it was time to make the best man's toast I did it without stumbling, without sounding too nervous. It was heartfelt and at the end got a little hard to finish. But I kept it short and sweet. My hands were trembling the whole time and I was glad I had written extra big just for that reason:

**"****Ladies and gentlemen. I want to thank you all for coming tonight. Sam and I have been friends for over 10 years. We used to sit around and wonder what we would grow up to be: Astronauts, doctors, fighter pilots. But I never heard him say, I want to be a good man. This was no surprise to the rest of us**_._" _Some people snickered here_. "**I guess that's because even if he didn't know it, no matter what he chose, we all knew he would be a 'good man'. He has proven himself to be not only a great friend, but a truly good person as well. I value my friendship with Sam. He's taught me a lot about life, love and leadership. I think when I grow up I want to be just like him."** An _aw sound was heard from around the room._** "Emily, you have made Sam SO happy. You've even tamed our motley crew with your humor, your patience and your unconditional love and made our little group what it is. We couldn't function without you. ****Sam's the luckiest guy I know. I wish you both health, happiness and long life. I love you guys; may God bless this union**.**_ To the bride and groom!"_**

Everyone raised their glasses and chanted, "To the bride and groom" and there was a huge round of applause that followed with a lot of "here-here's" and even more whooping and hollering, but it was most likely from the pack. I looked over at Emily and Sam after I finished reading and Emily was unsuccessfully holding back a stream of tears. Even Sam looked choked up, his eyes a little glassy. They both hugged me and as I was sitting down I noticed there were a lot of people with glassy eyes around me and smiling. Many people patted me on the back.

I had to be careful what I said because some guests weren't in-the-know about our pack. It wasn't too vague or Hallmarky. I hope.

I continued to ignore any glances from Edward's camp. _Just keep up appearances,_ I reminded myself. I danced occasionally, I ate, I pretended to be interested in dull conversation. I even noticed some girls here and there, who when I happened to look at them turned their heads just as fast, as if they didn't want me to know they were looking at me. A few smiled at me and I smiled back. I guess something I said or did got their attention.

All the rest of the reception went smoothly. After doing the whole cake thing, Sam and Em were dancing their eighth, ninth or 20th dance, I lost track. The party was winding down when I heard a familiar voice behind me say, "Would you care to dance?"

My heart jumped. I didn't expect to hear her beautiful voice and for that moment it was as if no time had passed. It felt the same way it always felt when it was just us two. Caught up in the surprise, I didn't have time to feel the ache that would surely come later.

Without turning around, smiling to myself, I said, "I'm not much of a dancer."

Bella moved in front of me, smiled back and said, "Good, neither am I," and held out her hand. I'd forgotten how beautiful she was, is, always will be. So much so it hurt to look at her.

In spite of everything, in spite of our differences, in spite of the past and knowing what was to come, I loved her with my heart and soul. Even if our friendship's forever changed, _that_ will never change for me. I took her hand trying not to feel any kind of way about it, just hoping I would make it through the next several minutes without doing something stupid.

It didn't escape my attention that this could be the last time we see each other, perhaps she realized the same. Even though it was prudent to try to distance ourselves, clearly that was something we couldn't do.

She led me out to the dance floor and even with the loud music and everyone talking over it, we had no problem hearing each other.

Neither of us said anything at first, clearly not sure how to start but usually small talk is appropriate in awkward situations. I asked her how she'd been and if she liked the wedding. She asked about Billy and how I'd been. We commented on the cake and how it seemed a little dry, in fact the only thing dryer than the cake was this conversation. I think we might even have mentioned the weather once. It was sad. Basically a conversation we could have had with anybody. There was so much to say but neither of us could say it...at first.

"So how have you been, really? You look like shit, Jake."

I just laughed. "Well don't hold back on my account, darlin." We both laughed. And just like that the ice was broken.

"I'm fine, Bella, really. How 'bout you? They haven't turned you into a tick, I see."

Bella pretended to look annoyed and said, "No, not yet anyway. After the wedding."

I knew she meant after _her_ wedding and was irked that she would even mention it. _How can she be so nonchalant about ending everything good in her life?_

Sam's words echoed in my head, "Maintain." I told myself, there's no point in arguing with her - she's too hardheaded. _Change the subject._

But she beat me to it, "I see you've got some admirers" she said.

Not clear on what she meant, I followed her glance and there were several very pretty onlookers looking at us, probably curious about our status.

"Oh, well hmm," I said, a little embarrassed, not sure what to say. I opted to sound like an idiot instead. When in doubt, make a joke.

"Yeah, well, when you've got it...," and I breathed on my fingernails and buffed them on my shirt.

Bella laughed freely.

"They've been checking you out most of the night. You should ask one to dance."

Scrunching my lips a little, I shrugged and said, "Maybe."

There was an uncomfortable pause.

"I really liked your toast by the way. It was beautiful."

"Yeah I've been getting a lot of compliments on that tonight. Bet you didn't know I was so eloquent. Who da thunk it?" I said. She laughed at me.

We talked about where I'd been for the last month. It was an uncomfortable subject at first but I knew she was genuinely curious and wanted to know as much as possible. I told her about the lakes, the mountains, the meadows, all the wildlife and all the sunrises and sunsets out in the wilderness and the perfect blue of that eternal sky that seemed to go on forever. I talked of how breathtakingly beautiful it all was and how the air is so crisp and clean that when you're in the mountains, or even when you're not, the moon and the stars only seem a few feet away, as if you could reach up and touch them.

She asked why British Columbia, and I told her about all the hunting and camping trips me and dad used to go on back before he lost the use of his legs. I explained, "But you have to prepare yourself for the loneliness out there. You welcome it at first, but then…"

I stopped mid sentence because I was remembering it all. The incredible sadness that never seemed to stop. How you go there specifically for the solitude only to feel nothing but the loneliness in the end. It wasn't what I wanted after all, but I didn't know how to tell her that. Maybe I didn't have to. Her eyes looked down when I mentioned that last part. It must have been something similar to what she felt when _he_ left her that time.

"You couldn't have...called or wrote... something? Nobody seemed to know where you were or _how_ you were?"

"Well there aren't a whole lot of cell towers where I was, Bella. Besides, that was the whole point. I didn't want to talk to anyone."

I heard her take a quick intake of breath and look away. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't even want to talk about this but she insisted. Knowing Bella though, I knew she'd blame herself for everything, it was unavoidable. She seemed to like hurting herself more than necessary, a true glutton. Which was why I really didn't want to play the blame game. I figure there's enough of that to go around the world at least twice, along with all the would'ves and should'ves.

I wanted to tell her how much I missed her and thought about her out there. It was on the tip of my tongue but that would only hurt her. I could sense she had a lot to tell me, too, but couldn't. We seemed to be walking a fine invisible line.

"So what are your plans, Jake? Just school and stuff_ or did you plan to uh_, _go somewhere else, you know for a while_?" Bella asked biting her lip, looking concerned.

_How odd. Why is everyone so interested in my plans all of a sudden?_ I was somewhat amused at the coincidence. "It's funny you ask that. Sue had asked me the same thing just the other..." My face fell. I stopped dancing and stiffened up.

"Jacob, what's wrong?"

In that instant I realized _exactly_ where this came from. I was hiding my thoughts from Edward _but Sue wasn't_, and she was here sitting at Billy's table.

_Doesn't he know when to quit? Isn't anything sacred?_ I thought, _That was a private conversation, you damn stinking mind-reading bug! _I made sure he heard that, just as loud as possible. I saw him glare at me and stiffen up, clearly worried at what I would do. I could tell he was weighing his options. _Oh sit down, you old fool! You know I'm not going to do anything, to Bella anyway!_

I could see him clinching his jaw.

Beginning to fume, but gritting my teeth to stay in control, I said, "Look, when it becomes any of anybody's business about what my future plans are I'll send out a newsletter or put a frickin ad in the paper, all right? Seems to me you've got your own problems to worry about."

"Problems? What problems? What are you talking about?"

"Well for one thing you're freely marrying a serial killer, Bella, the same guy who's promised to kill you, albeit _lovingly,_ I'm sure. I'd say that was a problem. But hey, I'm just funny that way."

"Would you keep it down! Charlie's right over there," Bella said angrily in hushed tones, motioning over where Charlie was visiting with Billy not 30 feet away.

Biting my lip and cussing under my breath I knew she was right. _Fuck me! I did it again. Shit!_ This is not how I wanted our last meeting to go. I immediately felt horrible about wasting our last moment together. I grabbed her hand, halting her retreat.

"Wait! You're right. I'm sorry, Bells, really," my eyes desperately pleading with her. And I was sorry, more sorry than anyone could know.

"The last thing I want to do is fight with you. I swear to God, Bells. You know that, right?" I was being as sincere as I knew how to be, surely she would see that and forgive me. The time for games was over. I'd conceded. There was nothing left to do except try to make our last memory a good one.

She didn't say anything at first, just took my hand and we began to dance again. As I hoped, she saw that I was sincere. But even so, normally she would be fighting with me by now. There's usually more fight in her than this. Something's changed in her. The stress in her face was showing. This was about more than our little tiff.

"What's wrong, Bells?" She just continued to look away. I pressed on, "Okay, your turn to spill. Something's eating at you. What is it, Bella?" She was reluctant to tell me anything.

"It's nothing, really."

I just rolled my eyes. I knew better than this and Bella knew it too. I hadn't noticed before but Bella looked different as well. Jittery, almost to the point of being on edge. It was as if she was hanging on by a thread and my question unnerved her, stripping away her last defensive shield. She was exposed now. No matter how hard Bella tried to avoid making eye contact with me it was too late, I had already seen the circles under them.

I put my hand on the small of her back and we were dancing slower so she could tell the secret she was hiding. "Please Bella," I whispered, "I want to know what's wrong."

"Okay, I'd lie about it but you wouldn't believe me anyway. I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. Nothing big."

_Nightmares…that's all? She's downplaying it so they must be really bad_.

"Let me be the judge of that, okay? What are they about?"

She reluctantly recounted her latest recurring dream, the one where she's the vampire that kills the lady. "It's just been keeping me from getting any good sleep is all. I'm exhausted." She was relaxed enough that she couldn't stifle a yawn. "Carlisle wants to give me something to help me sleep more soundly but I don't want it. I've heard some scary things about some of that stuff. And I want to be able to wake up easy you know. Besides, it wouldn't stop the dreams."

I could tell the memory of this most recent dream really disturbed her. "Well, yeah I don't blame you. That sounds horrible to me. You poor kid."

_Even in your sleep you can't away from these monsters_.

"I'll be all right. I've just been mostly worried about you."

"I know."

She did a double take. "You know? How would you know that?"

I laughed, "Who do you think you're talking to? I know you, Bella. You worry about everybody but yourself even when it's not necessary. Honestly Bells, I'm fine." As soon as I said that and Bella looked away, I caught Sue's eye. She saw who I was dancing with and just nodded back as if to understand.

"So, I'm a little confused, Bells. Everything you're describing to me fits 100% in with what being a vampire is all about. You've been around them long enough to know what vampire life is like, what to expect. Why is this all of a sudden scaring you?" It was a valid question, and she knew it.

Just when she was about to answer they announced the couple was getting ready to leave for their honeymoon so we'd all better assemble by the door to throw the birdseed for the send off.

We just laughed at the birdseed announcement, silly wedding rituals at such a moment.

We decided to forgo the birdseed and spend one more minute dancing. We were now the last ones on the floor and I was beginning to feel the finality of the moment. Time was slipping away.

There was so much to say..._why couldn't I just say it?_

She looked at me and looked away as if hiding another secret. She then laid her head on my chest and just listened to my heart for a while. I lowered my head to rest my cheek on top of her head and exhaled deeply. Our arms wrapped around each other. Our hearts slowed down, it was as if they were trying to keep time. We just stood there swaying, not saying a word. Every time I thought of something to say it wouldn't come out, afraid to burst the bubble, I think.

Finally finding my voice, I said, "You look beautiful tonight by the way." I knew she'd balk at that. She never saw what I saw.

I heard her sniff and laugh a little. She also had to find her voice it seems. "Thanks," she said, never meeting my eyes. "Did I mention how handsome you look in that tux?" Another sniff.

My voice cracking, feeling suddenly thick, "Not in so many words. I hope our dancing this long doesn't get you in trouble." It was true, I didn't want any trouble for her. I was tired of the games.

"It's fine, really. He knows I wanted to finish saying my last...um, he knows I wanted to say..."

I panicked when she said that. _No goodbyes, not yet!_ Not wanting to hear it I let go and started to pull away from her but she resisted.

"Not yet," she said with tears in her eyes.

Maybe being with her weakens me, like Samson. _Had she always been this strong?_ Maybe my strength isn't what it used to be.

_She loved me __still_, _I could feel it_. _And I loved her more than ever._ Our time apart did nothing to erase that. I couldn't feel the hollowness, the dead quiet inside me anymore. All I could feel was her hand, holding onto mine, asking me for one more moment. It was the sweetest most complete feeling of love I've ever felt. And even though part of me knew this was coming to an end…I wanted this moment, I needed it. How could I say no?

One look into her tear-filled eyes and I was done. Swallowing hard, my eyes and nose stinging now, I hugged her and held her tight, and she did the same. The word "no" kept screaming in my head, it wouldn't stop. I was pleading with her in my mind, _Don't do this! Marry him if that's what you want but don't turn yourself into those things. Don't become something I have to kill, please!_

The helplessness was excruciating. Laying my face on top of her head, my breathing became uneven and I could feel the first tear trickle down my cheek. I didn't care who saw it. I didn't care that the music had stopped. This was our moment, no one else's. At the same time her breathing had turned into short gasps and I could feel moisture on my shirt. Bella's crying broke what was left of my heart in two. I cradled her head to my chest and kissed her hair. All the things we weren't saying, _weren't allowed to say_, we were saying it now - and we understood.

We didn't bother to sway anymore. I really don't know how long we were there when I looked up and noticed nearly everyone was gone, just the clean up crew trying to make sense of all the mess.

Kissing her hair several more times, I said, "It's time, babe. They're gonna kick us out soon." She nodded, knowing this to be true. Breathing in one more whiff of her hair - it would have to hold me - we released each other and the sudden whoosh of cool air that hit me where she had once been felt like the wrongest thing in the world. I wondered if it felt the same to her.

All this time, all the things I had been agonizing over, it all hit me at once. _I'll never see her again._ Nothing prepared me for how this would feel, what this kind of pain feels like. All the movies, all the songs, all those stories of love and loss…none of that comes close to how it really is. Nothing prepares you for this.

Even though I'm tempted, I won't kiss her goodbye, only if she stayed. I knew if I kissed her, I'd never let her go. It hurts enough as it is, knowing that even now she still chooses him. Instead, I picked her up and embraced her. Her arms wrapped tight around my neck and we held on to each other. I know I must have been burning her cheek but she never let go, not one time. My tears mixed in with hers. We stayed like that while the tears flowed. Then they finally stopped.

Our time was up.

Soon after, I walked with her hand-in-hand outside, like old times, and released her to her bloodsucker waiting patiently by the car. I had to admit, it was really decent of him to let us have that time. I felt grateful to him, I even said thanks to him in my mind. He nodded at me and looked away, then muttered something too low for human hearing to pick up:

_"For her, it's all for her,"_ he didn't say it with anger or spite, he said it like it hurt him to say it.

Saying goodbye was on the tip of my tongue but nothing came out. It was the same for her.

As she was about to get into his car I saw her mouth some words to me. It would be my last memory of her. She smiled a pained smile. I smiled one back and nodded. As they drove off, I watched the flicker of his taillights growing dimmer in the distance.

I watched them go, and with a knot in my stomach, I replayed the memory that had been lurking within me_._

Just before they left, she mouthed, "Bye, Jacob" she paused and then said, "_M__y Jacob,"_ and placed her hand over her heart_._

Emily's story of letting go rang true. I finally understood the real purpose of it. _Thank you Em._

Still standing there watching the lights disappear, I swallowed hard and whispered into the night air:

_"Good-bye."_

The car's taillights made one last flicker and then it was gone.

* * *

**A/N**: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.

***Although it's sad, this is probably my favorite chapter out of all of them. I hope you liked it. Believe it or not, I agonized on whether to give them their kiss here. I even tried it a few different ways but it seemed forced. Good things come to those who wait, so stick around, and a million thanks to my readers for doing just that :). _Visit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi! pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm_


	9. Postmortem

**Postmortem - BPOV  
**

"You were very brave tonight."

Sniffing loudly, "I don't feel brave" I said, my throat constricting so much my voice was inaudible, but I knew Edward could hear me. The Volvo's smooth engine hummed as it whipped through the streets much too fast as usual.

The tears streamed an endless stream. Just when I thought it was stopping, my last memory of Jake would start it up again. For a moment I worried it was going to be as bad as the night I left him in his room broken and beaten. That was my last memory of him before tonight, it's haunted me ever since. Back then, he had looked as bad as he must have felt and I made it worse. Tonight was no better, only this time he looked like I felt.

"Does he hate me?" I asked.

Edward looked at me like I was crazy. "Of course not. On what planet is that even possible?" he said annoyed.

_Even if Jacob doesn't hate me now, someday he will. I could take just about anything, except that_._  
_

"I'm so glad I'm going to be turned. I suck at being a human. I suck at it more than anybody I know."

Edward laughed.

Shocked to hear this, I couldn't figure out why he was laughing when I was in so much pain, "What's so funny?"

"You are, Bella. You're talking to me, _a vampire_, about being human. Bella, I haven't been human in a hundred years, I'm no more human than this car. Your best friend in the whole world, in the whole universe - whom you seem to be inexplicably drawn to - is a wolf or lack of a better term. For a year and a half this is all you've dealt with, this is all you know anymore, and on top of that you've gone through some pretty incredible things. Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself? Besides, how do you know you're a bad human when you are never around any to compare?"

"That's not true, there's Charlie."

Snickering, "Well that's true, Charlie can be human sometimes." Just a funny little jab at my father. I didn't bother to try to defend him to Edward. In fact, in general I just tried to stay out of it altogether. Edward still doesn't understand Charlie's reluctance to our marriage. In Edward's time the father would have been more than partial to their daughter marrying young, especially to someone of Edward's breeding and money. But that was then. It seems my father and my fiance will never be of like mind on anything, which of course, puts me in the middle.

"And there's mom," I argued. "And my friends in LaPush, and from school. Where are you going with this?"

"Yes, your mother, who you've all but shunned out of your life. Your human friends, who you never see or talk to anymore, and everyone on the reservation who loves you hasn't seen you in weeks, of which they blame me for by the way - I must have heard THAT 100 times tonight. Don't you think I've noticed that you now only spend time with me and my family? I mean, don't get me wrong, Bella, my family adores you and I can't wait to spend every second of my existence with you. But that time hasn't come yet."

"Edward, we're getting married. I _am_ going to be a vampire. In what could be a few short weeks I WILL be a member of the Cullen family in every possible way. Why shouldn't I spend all my time with your lot?"

"Because you're not a vampire, Bella, not yet. You're human. Bella, I know in some way you think you're preparing everyone for what's to come when you change over, but this isn't the way to do it, darling. You may be helping them adjust to the fact that you won't be a part of their daily life anymore, but believe me, nothing prepares a human for loss. Nothing, except maybe sickness and even then that's not the way you want to be remembered. It's been harder on you than you're letting on. It's even affecting you when you sleep and don't bother pretending it doesn't. As usual, you're thinking of everybody's needs except your own. Do you know how frustrating that is for me, Bella?" he said harshly.

I was so stunned. I had never heard Edward say anything like this to me before, well not since before we started dating that is. But back then he was trying to push me away.

"I don't know what you want me to do, Edward. Part of being a Cullen, as it's been told to me many times is to be 'meticulously responsible' as Alice puts it. How responsible is it to spend my life as if nothing is ever going to happen, when I know better? How am I helping them by pretending everything will be fine? I'm just supposed to - I don't know - go to the beach one day with my friends and then die suddenly the next? That's just cruel, Edward!"

"That's life, Bella. Humans live one day and die the next. It happens all the time."

"Edward, try to understand I have to do what I can to-"

"No, you don't!" he countered. "Don't you see what you're doing? You're martyring yourself, again. Bella, dear...I love that you're so selfless, it's one of the things I love _most_ about you. But the decision to become one of my kind is _yours_ and _yours_ alone. And since this is what _you've_ chosen, it's up to me to help you through it. The best thing you can do right now, Bella, is _create_ memories for them, _that's _the best thing."

I sat quietly, mulling it over.

"The problem is, Bella, you're only thinking about this from one perspective, one direction. How do you want to be remembered? Do you want everyone's last memory of you to be that of distancing yourself from them? They're wondering what's going on with you. They're missing you. They're mourning you already and you haven't even died yet."

His words hit hard. I had no defense for it.

It never occurred to me they could be in pain, right now. It never occurred to me that by my trying to help them adjust to losing me they already felt they had.

On the verge of fresh tears, "I...I thought...if I gently removed myself from their life now, maybe my death wouldn't be such a blow," I said meekly, clearly not as confident as I once was in my theory.

"I know you did, darling," Edward placed his ice cold hand on top of mine and it made me shiver. He removed it and turned the heat higher. _Curse my human skin,__ and goosebumps_!

"You are kind to want them to suffer less. I'm sorry to be harsh with you, Bella, but I just wanted you to realize it all from the perspective of someone who's 'been around the block', so to speak. Vampires have witnessed more life and death outcomes than your human life will ever know.

"People get attached, even when you try to keep them at arm's length. Humans are naturally skeptical, suspicious. I've died many times because of that, nobody can play dead like me," Edward smiled. "Of course it was easier back in the day. It's not necessary every single time, every single move, but sometimes it was the only way. Have you ever wondered why it's so important to see the body at a funeral? It's because without that the human mind just can't believe it. Bella, trust me, I'm an old hack at this. It's important that the story of your death be believable, absolute. It'll work, but you have to stick to the plan."

That plan, of course, was to pretend to go off to college, when in fact, I would be going through the effects of the changeover. I wouldn't be able to be around any humans for months, maybe years. My "death" as far as anyone would know would come months after leaving home. People would think I was living a happy, normal college existence. Then at some point, mom and dad would get the call about my _accident_. Thinking about it never got any easier.

"Well, you make a good point. I'll think about it."

"I wish you would, Bella."

"For someone who's "as human as this car" you sure seem to have a lot of insight into humans."

"A good hunter studies his prey," he looked at me with his eyebrow arched. I had to admit, something about that gave me the willies. "And I read a lot," he smiled.

I smiled, but I didn't feel any better. A few minutes later, I must have been in my own world because he said, "You're quiet."

"Just thinking about everything you said before. I think you make a good point."

"Good, because it seems like you've been floundering lately. Before, you said you wanted nothing more in this world than to become a vampire, and be with me. Now I'm not so sure."

"What?" He switched gears on me. _How could he think that?_

I stammered, "I, I thought this was about me being more a part of my friends' lives while I still can. Where is this coming from? Of course I want to be with you! That's what this whole thing is about - I can't live without my heart, Edward, and you're my heart."

Without missing a beat or taking his eyes off the road, "I'm not your whole heart, Bella."

I turned away and looked straight out into the lightless road, the only illumination were our headlights. There were no other cars on the road at this time of night. The city lights were just up ahead, its illumination lighting up the sky in all directions glowing a reddish hue. I turned away because even in minimal light I knew he'd see my expression and I didn't want him to see that. Again, his statement had trumped me. I clinched my fists wanting to say something. I wanted to shout it until my ears bled, every nerve in my body seemed to want to scream he was wrong...and yet nothing. Tears flowed instead.

After a couple of minutes, I regained my composure, "Edward..."

"I know, darling, I know..._Now_." And he placed his hand on top of mine and left it there. We didn't say anything else the rest of the trip.

As I looked out the window into the darkness, it became clear to me that my time with Jacob at the wedding affected my fiance more than I knew. It wasn't the dance or just petty jealousy Edward was feeling. I could see the pain in his eyes...hear it in his voice. Yes, it was more than a dance that bothered Edward.

It's one thing to know something in theory or rumors or suspicion...it's another thing entirely to _see it_ for yourself. You can delude yourself only so long before the proof smacks you in the face. Then you have no choice but to face it, ugly and bare.

It occurs to me only now that Edward has never seen me and Jacob_ in that way_ first hand. He was never there when Jacob and I casually strolled hand-in-hand on the beach in LaPush, he was never around when Jacob was giving me warmth and protection many times over. Always before, all those times were while we were still just friends but that was the start of it, one intimate moment after another…after another.

We were falling in love. It was during those times that I loved Jacob the most and in retrospect falling in love with him was the easiest thing in the world, effortless. So much so, I didn't even know it happened until I thought I might never see him again.

But the timing was terrible. When Edward left a year ago, he was still so much a part of my heart, there wasn't room for anyone else. I didn't have a way of extricating him and I didn't want to. I couldn't love Jacob the way he deserved to be loved. My pain was still so palpable and raw, but somehow Jacob found a way around that. And I have to believe that some part of me wanted him to.

Edward's hurt feelings made sense to me now. I knew he had read Jacob's mind on other occasions and that he knew about the kiss, but it was just puppy love to Edward, nothing that could possibly compare to what he and I have. He hadn't seen the love behind it or what lead up to it or all the questioning of my feelings that followed. It was like tonight, he was truly seeing Jacob and I for the first time.

I knew he saw my pain and how much I missed Jake, but I don't think he ever took how we felt about each other seriously.

But even though he was hurt, he was still here. He was here, he was holding my hand, and he still loved me even though I can't seem to stop hurting him. Even my good intentions as it turns out were hurting people. I didn't know what to do anymore. No matter what choice I make from here on, someone I love will be hurt. I know there's a hell, because this is it.

There was too much to think about. I knew we shouldn't have come to this stupid wedding. I knew Jacob would be there and yet I wanted to go anyway, I _must_ be a glutton. _What the hell was I thinking?_

* * *

**[_Two days later...J__acob and Paul via the pack mind_]**

"Dude, you didn't know she was gonna be there? Everybody knew."

_Great_, Jacob thought.

"_'Everybody knew_.' Everybody knew and yet NOBODY told me, thanks, man!" Jacob was livid. "A little heads up woulda been nice."

"Well it's not like it was a secret, you dummy. If you'd have wolf'd out before now you would have found out on your own. We never know what we can or can't say around you anymore," Paul confessed.

Paul had a point. Jacob has been sort of hard to live with lately. He felt pretty bad about that. Still running at only half the speed he was capable Jacob slowed down to a trot. The vamps weren't hunting today, so Paul and Jacob took the opportunity to run the perimeter. Only running the pack two at a time now, Jacob and Paul split up - there was a lot of ground to cover.

"I know," Jacob admitted. "I just didn't want to have to deal with anything yet. Still don't."

"Man, I'm glad I'm not you. I don't care what they say, I don't care if I imprint or not. I'm never falling in love. It ain't worth it!"

"Yeah I wish that for you, too. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Not even you," Jacob smiled to himself.

"Oh thanks, smartass. Hey Jake, why is it _we_ haven't imprinted yet?"

"Well hmm, if I had to come up with a theory, it might be cuz Jared, Quil and Sam were still fairly new wolves. Maybe that has something to do with it? Plus, we seem to only imprint on our soul mates, or whatever you wanna call it, not just anyone. I mean we are still human right, contrary to how _you_ act sometimes," that made Paul snicker. "I think I saw a nature show once that talked about imprinting and its usually whoever the baby sees first that they have a devotion to, even if its not the same species. Like if baby ducks see a human instead of their mother, they'll blindly follow the human."

"Wow, that's kinda messed up. So basically what your saying is, you think, we didn't imprint because we never didn't meet our soul mates when we were new?"

"Yeah. I mean look it, we've both been in the pack a while now, about a year and nothing. I figure we missed our window, the time when we should have met our mates and I guess we didn't. It's too late now. _IF_ it was ever our path to begin with. I mean, you and I know imprinting's kind've not the rule."

There was silence for a while.

"_PHEW_ that was a close one," Paul said.

"I know, huh," Jacob agreed.

They both breathed a sigh of relief.

Imprinting, on the outside, seemed like such a sad way to live your life. To have such a blind devotion to someone, almost slave-like really, with no choice in the matter.

_Still I guess it wouldn't be so bad to imprint,_ Jacob thought. _Having access to the thoughts of those who have was encouraging. It doesn't feel slave-like to them. It's a kind of certainty that can never be broken or questioned. You feel such a devotion to that one person, it never wavers. You never ever really hurt if they reject you because to you as long as the one you're devoted to is happy, then you're happy, sincerely. It seems horrible to be under such an absolute spell, to have no free will, but if say, Quil's Claire grows up and never ever wants a relationship with him in that way, he's 100% fine with that. He'd be the best man at her wedding if that made her happy. He'd give her away! He would be the guardian to her children. And one thing is for certain, he'll never love anyone the way he loves her so he'll never ever really hurt or feel lonely or loss as long as she's in his life - somehow. You gotta admit, to never hurt or feel rejected again sounded pretty damn good._

* * *

**[_Same day, in Forks, Bella is calling her mother_] BPOV  
**

"Bella? Bella! Oh my goodness. Phil, it's Bella!" Mom was shouting into the next room and the receiver all at the same time.

"_Ouch!_ Can you bring it down a few decibels, mom - _geesh!_ You make it sound like I've been on a deserted island or something," I said, laughing.

Mom laughed, "Well it has been a while you know, young lady. And you know I get excited talking to my Bella Bear," mom was practically cooing.

"Oh mom, come on, I thought I told you when I was nine I didn't want to be called that anymore."

"Yes, I know, and I just didn't listen, did I? That's the problem with raising a middle-aged woman in a child's body."

We both laughed.

"Try having a child for a mom, that's always fun," I laughed.

"Hey now!" mom cautioned, snickering. "So what's going on, why the call?"

"I don't know, I guess I'm just missing you. Uh, actually, I do need to ask something. Do you mind if I come out and stay with you a couple of days? I know you and Phil are coming up for the wedding in a few weeks, but I guess I just need to get away from..._everything_."

"Really? You're coming here? When?"

"As soon as I buy a ticket and pack. Um, tomorrow? The next day?"

"Will Edward be coming with you?"

"Not this time. He wanted to but he really wanted me to have some one-on-one time with you before I...before the big day. He's also going to try to rein Alice in a little more, someone has to keep an eye on her. You wouldn't believe the kind of pomp and circumstance she originally had planned, mom. Don't tell anyone, but I think there were sky writers and Friesian horses involved, I don't know. It was insane," I laughed uncomfortably.

Mom giggled, "I can't wait to meet her, she sounds like a character."

"You'll love her, dad does."

"Huh, it's not often Charlie gets excited about anything or anyone," I could tell she was mulling something over. After a moment of silence...

"_Sooo_, can I come out?"

"Oh my gosh, Bella, _yes!_ You never have to ask that, honey, just come on. Give me a call just before you leave though, so I'll know when to expect you, all right?"

Relieved, I said, "Okay great! I can't wait to see you guys."

"Us, too. I'm so excited! Take care, baby."

* * *

**[_The next day_]**

I brought my journals with me on the plane and looked over some of the things I had written. I was glad I had written some of these things down, I was already forgetting things, things I didn't want to forget.

And some things I wish I could forget altogether. Like my embarrassing attempts at anything requiring coordination in gym class, the blood typing incident, all of my reckless episodes… how I felt for Jacob, just to name a few. Looking over my journals, there's just as much in here about him as there are about Edward and the rest of the Cullens. I even wrote a description of his face, his features, the perfect brown-almost-black of his eyes and how he looks when he smiles at me. I'll never see that smile again.

I was about to write a new entry but it became impossible to write anything. My eyes were so blurry I couldn't see a thing. It's amazing how easily they just flow now. It's like I sprung a leak.

_I'm just being stupid._ I shook my head as if to clear it, like an Etch-A-Sketch, and wiped at my face with the napkin that came with my drink, sniffing all the while. _I don't know why I do this to myself. I'll be in Florida soon and I'll see mom and everything will be okay, I just know it._

"Bella!" Mom rushed me at the airport.

"Mom! Mom, you're cutting off...my...air!"

Releasing her death grip, she said, "Oh sorry," still smiling so big. It was awesome seeing it again, it almost made me cry. We hugged again, but more gently.

"Where's Phil, I thought he'd be here, too?" I asked, looking around.

"Oh, he decided to stay with the car. He could have walked it, but he's still pretty tired from the physical therapy. They really work him."

We had started toward the luggage carousel. "Oh, how's his leg by the way?" I had forgotten to ask mom about Phil's leg in our last conversation. He had broken his thigh bone just prior to my graduation.

"Oh, he's doing wonderfully. He's out of the brace now and walking around pretty well, he just has to baby that leg is all. He'll still have to do physical therapy for a few more months depending on his progress and then he's on his own. Good thing too, cause he's missed so much of the water and other sports related things he does that he was beginning to be hard to live with. You know Phil, always moving, he can never sit still. It really stinks to be living in Florida, beach capital of the world and not be able to do anything. You just can't believe what a difficult month it's been."

Thinking about how _my_ month went, I took a deep breath and said, "Oh, I can imagine."

* * *

**[_Same day - back in LaPush_]**

The phone is answered on the second ring, "Hello?"

"Sue, hi it's Jacob. I need to talk to you. It's, um, it's about your offer..."

...

* * *

*****A/N:** As always I have had the sweetest comments. You guys blow me away. I know this chapter was a little bit everywhere but I wanted to step back from some of the heaviness and move the story along. I'm looking forward to posting the next few chapters, I've got some pretty cool stuff for you guys, so stay tuned !*******

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_

_V__isit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www.. /pages/JoanneSwift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!… _


	10. Windsong

***After this, the next couple of chapters will include a lot of Bella and the reason it's important to mention this is because Bella will have her first adult epiphany, the first of many. It amazed me how through four HUGE books, Bella remained exactly the same, she didn't advance at all. I agree teenagers are dumb but not _That_ dumb, they're supposed to learn from their mistakes, and generally do. It's called "growing up." As Amy from Little Women once said, ~~ "We'll all grow up one day, Meg. We might as well know what we want." ~~ out of the mouth of babes. _Bella, are you listening?_ ***

* * *

**Windsong**

"And you're sure you want to do this?"

"I'm sure," said Jacob.

Jacob sat on Sue's couch looking as somber as ever, yet with a determination she has never seen in him before, one of someone realizing his fate. Sue had known Jacob his whole life. She had seen him through many stages; childhood, the loss of his mother, puberty, the awkwardness of adolescence, and now this. It was hard for a grownup to ever see a child as anything other than a child. But then something happens that jolts that grownup into finally seeing them for what they've become.

Sue had never really noticed it before, but somewhere along the way Jacob grew up. It wasn't the physical changes she was seeing. Jacob now spoke with an air about him that made him seem beyond his years. Whatever it was, Sue was seeing the heart and spirit of the _man_ on her couch, and it saddened her to know that his heart and spirit were broken.

"Well okay. I'll call Rebecca tomorrow and make the arrangements. Sam should be back from his honeymoon in a couple of days. I'm sure he'd want to talk with you in person before you go," Sue said.

"Oh I'm pretty sure about that, too," Jacob chuckled. "I wasn't planning on leaving before he returned. I just wanted to get things finalized and ready. The sooner the better."

Jacob wasn't really looking forward to this conversation with Sam. He knew Sam might try and talk him out of it, after all, Jacob has tons of family support here, too. Sam could even order Jacob to stay if he wanted. But Jacob felt somewhat confident that even _if_ Sam made the order, he would still leave. But neither he nor Sam would want to force each other's hand like that, not for this.

"I'm glad you came over today, Jacob. I had some questions for you but you've more or less answered them already. So you say that one vampire, Edward, read my mind, ay? That's disturbing, rather chilling actually. Not to mention invasive."

Jacob didn't want to continue this conversation either. Every part of it dug deeper into the freshly opened wound from which he hoped to escape.

"Yeah, he did. Bella let it slip when she started snooping by asking what my 'future plans' were. There's no other way she could have known. I knew you wouldn't say anything to anyone for fear it would get back to Sam before I had a chance to tell him. Funny thing is, it's an innocent enough question. If anyone else had asked that I wouldn't have caught it, but she's a terrible liar," Jacob smiled subtly.

"Well there's worse things than being a terrible liar...like being a really good one, for example. Well I'm sure sorry about that...for not covering my thoughts, I mean. Come to think of it Seth did tell me one of them could do that. I guess I didn't think they would do that there. _We_ were trying to keep the peace. Maybe I might have been able to block him out if I knew how -"

"Oh, Sue don't worry about it, seriously. I'm not mad. No treaties have been broken. Don't put any of this on yourself, you did nothing wrong."

"I know but it upset you. I saw your face. And then later I saw you motion to me. You looked like a drowning man asking for help. It broke my heart. Any creature, I don't care what it is that could hurt my Jacob like that needs a good beating! Why I have a mind to—"

Sue was furious.

"Sue! I'm fine, really. Don't do anything rash, okay," Jacob had never seen Sue so angry. "And regarding Bella, just so you know, the treaty is still good...for now. Until they do something it's beyond all of us to do anything about when… there's nothing we can do until they… we'll know when _it's_ happened because…"

The look of pain on Jacob's face said it all. The words wouldn't come out no matter how many times he attempted it. Saying it brought the same horrific image back to his mind, the same image that had tortured him for months. Bella dying a slow, unnecessarily cruel death and then arising a soulless, bloodthirsty killer. His Bella...looking crazed and hungry, with white frozen skin, and demonic eyes.

Jacob somehow hoped she would see the light and change her mind about turning into one of them. It was a long shot, but he hoped the fight in the clearing, seeing the red-headed killer and the newborns trying to kill her, smelling how they smelled when they burned would be enough to take all the romance out of it and she'd reconsider. It was his last card, his last dying hope.

Feeling the weight of this on his head now, it was too much, too much for anyone to take. Exhausted from lack of sleep and being mentally, physically and emotionally drained, he couldn't hold it back any longer. Seated on Sue's couch, crumpling his face up in his hands, Jacob broke down and wept.

Sue immediately rushed over and sat next to him putting her hands on his shoulders and around his shaking back trying to console him; but having lost someone herself, she knows there's nothing you can do or say that will help. Bella wasn't dead, yet, but she soon would be. The vampires will come up with some excuse for her like going off to school and then one day Charlie will get "the call", and the treaty will be broken.

"Oh Jacob!...I wish I could..." Her tears flowed as easily as Jacob's now. She loved Jacob like one of her own kids, and seeing one of your kids in pain hurts 10x more than any pain you feel yourself.

She wanted to say she wished she could take all of his pain away, that somehow it would all be all right. But she didn't believe that anymore than Jacob would. Sue was glad Jacob was leaving. Seeing him like this - coughing out tears, crying the hardest she's seen him cry since his mother died - there was no way he could sit around and wait for that call and no way in the world she would let him. _This_ was precisely the reason for sending him away.

Forcing Jacob to sit by and wait would kill whatever spirit he had left. Sue took in the cruelty of it all. Bella's about to succumb to an awful eerie kind of fate herself. Something along the lines of suicide, murder, dying, torture, sickness, brainwashing and being executed all rolled into one. How could anyone be okay with knowing this will happen to someone they love, and there's nothing you can do about it?

He could probably have even dealt with her marrying Edward, anything other than actually becoming one of them. But seeing Bella's resolve the other day made it that much more final. He was too late. She was as good as gone.

And to make it all so much worse, as if that's even possible, when it's all over, Bella is actually going to be one of those monsters. The same abomination the pack, including Jacob, destroyed a month before.

_Doesn't that silly girl know how much she will hate Jacob and the rest of the pack?_ Sue thought._ Doesn't she know the pack's automatic response will be to want to rip her to pieces and doesn't she know Jacob would rather kill himself first than do that? That would drive anyone insane_.

Jacob was letting Sue cradle him now. Some time later he began to settle down. This was more than any one person could bear. But Sue being there for him did help. She held him until he got it all out and began to feel a little like himself again. He wouldn't change back into a wolf today. One person seeing him like this was enough.

"Thanks Sue," Jacob said wiping at his face, not looking up.

"Anytime, Jacob. I could drive you home if you like."

Shaking his head, "No it's fine, I'd rather walk. If dad calls, tell him...tell him I'll be at the beach. He knows where, and I'll be home in time for dinner. It's my turn to cook anyway."

Looking surprised, Sue said, "You - cook? Since when?"

"Hey, I order pizza better than _anyone_ I know, ask dad," they both smiled and laughed. It was just like Jacob to make jokes even at a time like this. But he knows Sue will worry. Jacob appreciated how much she and Bella were alike.

Sue said, "Okay. Well I'm here if you need me. I'll be by tomorrow to pick up your tux. We should have returned them earlier but it's been crazy around here."

"Crazy, how?"

"Oh well, Leah, of course. She did really well at the wedding, you know. I was really proud that she would pull it together for Emily's sake. I thought she was doing better, but I guess it was just an act. She's been hiding in her room ever since and when she does come out she's pretty testy. I reminded her that she needed to finish the dishes and she cussed me out royally and smashed some of the plates. We haven't spoken since... Jake? Jacob!"

This little bit of news sent Jacob into a tailspin. For anyone to talk to Sue that way is beyond belief and for her own daughter to do it definitely crossed the line. No matter what her reasons, Leah had gone too far. Sue was more than a family friend or tribal elder. She was like a mother to him.

Sue stepped backed immediately. She could feel the heat rising off him like a furnace. He started shaking and the color emerging made his own skin color appear a sallow green. A low rumbling-like growl could be heard from somewhere within him.

In a rush of words, "Jacob! It's okay, I'm not upset. She didn't hurt me I'm fine! Pull it back! **Pull It Back, Jacob!**"

Remembering himself and where he was, he was able to stop the change mid stream, but not without difficulty. To be so far into the process, it hurt beyond belief, his screams were evidence of that. None of the wolves were capable of doing this yet and it didn't escape Sue's attention that if this had been any of the other wolves she might have been hurt, or worse.

And with a few more deep breaths, Jacob relaxed. He felt his heart slow down and the shaking stop. He bent over bracing his hands against his knees to rest. Each breath got easier and as long as he didn't think about Leah and her tantrums he could normalize.

_It's a good thing you're not here Leah, that's all I gotta say_, Jacob thought. _Your need to bleed is showing_.

Sue wanted to console him and cross the few feet that separated them, but waited another minute. She was smart enough to not take anything for granted.

"Are you alright now?"

"You're asking me if _I'M_ alright? Honestly Sue, you and Bella have some really messed up priorities."

"I was never really in any danger you big mangy pup. You're hardly the first wolf I've been around, you know." Her fortitude and humor was worth a million dollars.

Jacob laughed as he hugged her. She always knew how to make things feel okay somehow. She had a gift.

As she walked him to the door, she added, "Before you go, I also would like to add it really would be best if you didn't go anywhere remote right now. Sam's due back just any time and it's best if he heard your decision from you and not through some rumor. You know how people talk. He'll want to call a meeting with the elders as soon as he knows everything and we can proceed from there. Do you have any idea how long you'll be in Hawaii? Just curious."

"I'm not sure, till I feel better, I guess," he said.

It wasn't exactly a lie, it was actually mostly true. But he couldn't tell Sue his real timeframe. He knew if Sue knew his true feelings she might revoke her offer. The trip was only meant as a break, just short-term, but it's clear to him now that there was only one path left for him to take...

_Never, Sue,_ Jacob thought._ The answer is, I'm never coming back home. I can't risk it_.

Jacob figured once he got over there and settled in and got used to the area and the people, maybe got a job or two, then he'd give everyone the news and there won't be anything they can do about it. A vampire would never set foot in Hawaii so there would be no chance at all of running into Bella once she's turned. It's too sunny, not enough of the kind of game the Cullens seem to prefer, and one vampire let alone a whole coven coming out only at night on the islands? It wouldn't be long before word would spread among the locals.

He knew that if he was home and there was even a chance of running into any of the Cullens - once the treaty had been broken - he would kill every single one of them, without regret, without remorse. Nothing would stop him.

But the thought of hurting Bella made his stomach turn. He could be endangering his tribe by letting his weakness get the better of him in battle. He could never raise a hand to her and could never live with himself if he did. She would have to kill him.

Jacob felt it was better to leave home, forever if necessary. But he hadn't planned on living forever. That was never the plan. The Quileute wolves _can_ age. It will take some time to learn not to change but once it's been given up for good, they'll age like everyone else. It was his ace in the hole. He'll die of old age or some other human failing and Bella will live on, sort of. It felt perverse to think that, but at least she will have that. He didn't much care what happened to him.

Maybe she won't always hate him, he hoped. Maybe someday down the line, when the newborn craziness dies down and she can control her urges and live among humans again, some part of her will remember him and not hate the memory. He just wished he could say the same.

One more hug and then he left Sue's house. Again, the feeling of a weight being lifted from him almost carried him across the forest floor. Even without transforming, he was at the beach in a flash. He couldn't risk connecting to the pack mind and having his secret spill out to the others. He had made up his mind and as hard as it was to accept, it felt good. He'll miss his friends. He'll miss his dad, but Billy can always come and visit him anytime he wants. They all can.

He went to "their log" and stayed there a while. The wind from the North was blowing in gusts onto the beach and for once he was glad Bella wasn't here. A storm was coming, bringing the Arctic wind with it. She would have been miserable, but she would have toughed it out like always. She hated the cold and wet more than anyone he knew but as long as she was with him she could endure it and usually did. That was a million years ago though, he pondered.

Leaning up against their log, he felt a chill. This wasn't from being cold as he hasn't been cold in a really long time, it was the kind of feeling one gets when they feel like someone or something was watching them. He closed his eyes to listen and after a few minutes he decided he was imagining things. He closed his eyes again, inhaled the fresh sea air that was moving over him in gusts and remembered in vivid detail those times he was here with her.

Trying to be practical, he tried to think of all the things he'd need to do in order to get ready for his trip.

_I've got to call Becca later and tell her thanks for letting me crash at her place. As much as a brother hates to admit it, I really owe her one,_ he thought.

Inevitably, thoughts of Bella ran through his mind, too.

_This cold-ass wind reminds me of when Bella would cuddle up to keep warm under my arm and it took everything I had to keep myself from shouting to the world, at the top of my lungs, how I felt about her._

_Okay, yes, sometimes I stumbled. Sometimes just to see what she would say. I was always pushing the limits, testing the waters to see if she had changed her mind. Sometimes I thought she had. Sometimes it really felt like she wanted me to take a chance._

_That's the part that really sucks. Because I knew, I knew she loved me. Friends sure, but I knew she felt more than that. We are more than that. It's why she could never go away for long, why it felt as though being together was the most natural thing in the world, I know she felt it, too. Like we were carved out of the same tree, somehow. Our connection, unexplainable._

_There's only a few beings in this world that are monogamous, once they find their mates, they mate for life. Humans are capable of this. Wolves are, too. Isn't that interesting._

_I know I'll regret her for the rest of my life, even though at some point the very idea of me will repulse her. Someday when she's a vampire she'll look back on us with regret and she'll wonder - how she could have stood being around us "mongrels." _

This made Jacob cringe._ Going away is the right thing, it feels right. _He pointed to the sea, pointed westward. Whatever his future was, he knew it was in the direction of the sun. _That's where I'm supposed to be_.

Speaking aloud, he sent a message on the wind, "I'm leaving soon, Bells, this time for good. It'll be easier for both of us, I think. I'll come back if my tribe really needs me, but I pray they won't. There's more than enough of us in the pack now, they won't miss me. I wish things were different. I wish we hadn't been robbed. Edward knows you were always supposed to be with me. He claims they don't take lives anymore. He's a liar...he stole _two_. _But I love you more_. And he knows that, too. I don't know what I'm suppose to do now, Bells. I'm lost, I don't know where I belong anymore."

A wild gust suddenly pierced the silence and blew a mist of seawater over him. He breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. It seemed to flow through him, forcing something out of him voice, out of his mouth, something reminiscent of a prayer, a vow, or a wish into the wind. He didn't know what it was. Another icy chill blew over him and into the trees. He could hear the trees moving behind him. It sounded almost musical.

He didn't know what he was doing or why. He seemed to be watching himself, as if he was outside his body looking down. He could hear words in his head, there was something so familiar about them, yet he's never uttered them in his life. It wasn't his voice but it still seemed to come from him in a way, from somewhere in his soul. Not sure what was happening or why, he began to say these words in Quileute, "_Find your way, find me, my love_."

Over and over again. It was profoundly tragic, yet so innately beautiful that he wasn't afraid of it. He must have chanted this a hundred times, maybe more. He had lost track and had no idea how much time had passed. He chanted till he felt better, and then it stopped as suddenly as it began. He knew what he said, he just wasn't sure what possessed him to say it. He felt tired, but also felt a strange sense of inner peace, the way a person feels after saying a heartfelt prayer to God and leaving it up to him to figure out.

He realized then that he had been trying to force things to move a certain way, at a certain speed. The Great Spirit - fate, destiny - moves at the speed_ he or it_ desires - not before. Jacob realized it was all completely out of his hands, and for the first time he was okay with that. Maybe there is a plan for him and maybe it was in Hawaii.

Although still unsure of his future, he didn't feel quite as alone as before. He wondered for a brief second if this was how his ancestor, Taha Aki, must have felt a long time ago when deciding his fate.

He felt good enough to go back up the hill, back to his dad's house. Billy would be home by now wondering where his son was. Although tempted, he didn't turn around to take one last look at their log or the beach. He would only see that she wasn't there and that's not how he wanted to remember it. He could draw their beach from memory.

_I wonder how soon Sue can get the arrangements made?_ Jacob thought. _The sooner the better I hope. Just a little while longer...just last a little while longer._

He made his way back to the house, still slightly confused about what just happened. A storm was coming, inching ever closer, the trees never stopped rustling and swaying.

Not long after watching Jacob disappear around the bend, _someone or something_ silently leapt from the trees that were overlooking the beach, stealthily disappearing into the gloom.

* * *

***A/N: Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***


	11. Moms

_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this._

* * *

**Moms**

I was walking a wasteland, carrying a large bag that I was dragging behind me. I didn't seem to recognize where I was. This bag is heavy and ugly, and I wished I could just drop this baggage, but I'm afraid of what might happen if I do, so I continue to pick it up. Sighing and humped from the weight of this burden, I walk on and on. Finally, giving in to the weight, I fall down and I'm unable to get up or move, every movement felt like I was in quicksand. Then I see it, the red sun in the sky getting lower and lower but it seemed strange. It felt hot at first, then turned cold. I blinked rapidly expecting it to burn my eyes but it doesn't. I then realize it's not one sun, but two. I tried to continue on when I saw the suns move with my movement. I looked at them harder and realized, they're not suns..._they're eyes_, crimson red eyes peering down at me….

"Bella! Wake up!"

"Mom?" I said out of breath.

"I'm here, baby."

Gasping, drenched in sweat and disoriented of my surroundings, I came to, with that oh-so-familiar sense of foreboding. _Another nightmare_. Even here, over 2000 miles away in the safety of my mother's house? _What is going on_?

Cradling me to her chest, Renee began rocking and comforting me. I was trembling. She was warm, it was so nice. I could hear mom's rapidly thumping heart slow down a little as she rubbed my back. I must have scared the crow out of her for her to be here like this. It reminded me so much of those times in my childhood. Momma fighting the scary dreams and monsters away.

"Bella, you were screaming. What were you dreaming? It must have been pretty horrible from the sound of it."

"What's wrong, is she all right?" Phil was in the doorway slightly out of breath, moving a little slower than usual these days, but he got there as fast as he could. He had one of his baseball bats in his hand. I guess to Phil it sounded like someone was trying to kill his stepdaughter.

"She's fine, I've got her. I think it was just a dream."

Shaking his head, "A dream?" he breathed heavy and clutched his chest as though his heart were going to jump out of it. "Are you kidding me? It sounded more like Freddy Krueger was after her! Are you all right, Bella?"

Slightly embarrassed I shook my head, _yes_. "I-I'm fine guys, really. I have them sometimes, okay. I- I don't even remember what it was about," I fibbed, still a little shaken.

Renee shot Phil a look. From the look they exchanged it didn't seem like either one of them bought it.

"Well since no one's killing you I'm gonna head back to bed. Take your time, Ren. _Phew!_" Phil said, running his fingers through his hair.

"Okay, babe, love you. I won't be long," Renee said, gratefully. "You sure you're all right?" she asked, looking at me.

"I'm fine, mom, okay. Look, Scout's honor." I then held up two fingers.

"Um, yeah okay, except no. 1 you were only a Brownie for a couple of months and no. 2 - _wrong number of fingers honey,_" Renee cleared her throat, "..._and hand_."

"Oh," I chuckled. "Well whatever. See, I told you I was lousy at the Scouts thing. You were right to pull me out of that. The cookie selling might have done me in."

We both giggled. Clearly, whatever demons haunted my dreams scattered as soon as I was awake. Practice makes perfect, I guess. On my last visit, Renee said she noticed something different about me. It's only been a few months and I can tell from the way she looks at me now that she still sees an inscrutable change. It's true. I AM different. With all that I've been through, how could I _not_ be?

"Well, all right. Get some sleep then...and no more nightmares," Renee cautioned with an almost serious tone. She kissed the top of my head.

"I won't," I smiled. _As if I can do anything about that,_ I thought. Renee left me alone again.

As I lay on my side, clutching my blanket, bits and pieces of my dream resurfaced. As much as I tried not to think of it, because the fear was still clearly felt, something was weird about it. Pieces of it just didn't make any sense.

What was I dragging? What was in the bag and why was it important that I carry it? Maybe this was one of those 'doesn't make any sense' kind of dreams; like when you've eaten something before bed or you dream of what you saw on TV.

However, I was determined _not_ to think of the one aspect of my dream I _could_ understand, the only one in fact. _The eyes_. I was sure that's what they were. It was all too painfully real why I was so scared of them.

_Scared_.

Why should I be scared? That actually doesn't make any sense when you think about it. How can I be so scared of the vampires of the world and yet still insist on being with them? Even becoming one of them?

Maybe I shouldn't fight it so much. If this really is my destiny, to be one of them then why wait? Why not go to the Volturi right now and have one of them turn me, I'm sure they'd do it. Aro was especially curious to see what kind of vampire I'd be.

I was also sure Alice can see my intentions right now but she's on my side, I rationalized. She wants me to be changed. But then again, I'm not sure Alice _is_ watching for them. She's been so crazed with the wedding details I don't know if she's watching anyone right now. _What if she's not_? A sudden chill ran down my back as thoughts of Alice's distracted state jumped into my mind.

And after all, Alice can't see everything. Alice could and has slipped. I was remembering Victoria, Riley and the newborns now and how they used the holes in Alice's vision. But Victoria had inside information, I rationalized. She of course knew of the holes but does Aro? The Volturi just don't seem like they'd be capable of honoring any bargains. Why would they? What do ancient vampires care about honor? And humans are just play things to them. But Edward would have seen his intentions or deception in his thoughts. As far as I know there's nothing to worry about, but still. The Volturi and other rogue vamps like James and Laurent are out there. There's probably more than anyone realizes. That wasn't exactly reassuring…in fact the very thought made me shudder. I just hoped somehow it would all work out. But frankly right now I'm too tired to care.

All this going back and forth wore me out. I cuddled into my blanket even more and gave one more big yawn before giving in to sleep, hoping to get a break from dreaming.

* * *

I awoke with the alarm and even at 8:00 AM the morning sun was hot. Sun beams were streaming in through the blinds I had forgotten to close the night before. Going from a practically sunless state to one known for its extreme sun and sticky heat was a nuisance. It wasn't exactly ideal.

And mom wants me to go to school down here? _Yuck!_ Still, I do love the beach. I had never learned to surf but I got real good at sand castles, in fact the few times I visited the beaches in California were short and hurried. There never seemed to be enough extra money for big vacations. But sometimes mom would get tired of working and doing the dutiful daily rituals of taking me to and from school and cleaning the house, just to come home and do it all again, etc. - that she would call in sick for both of us. She would wake me up in the middle of the night and just drive. There was no plan usually, no particular destination, just have an adventure or two. Nothing crazy or unsafe, but definitely a little unconventional according to some people's standards. Charlie would never have approved, I'm sure.

"It's good for the soul," she would say when I asked her about our little outings. It was just me and her back then so there wasn't really anyone around to answer to. Phil wasn't in our lives yet or he surely would have been the co-conspirator in the whole thing. Phil's zany, too, but not in an incurable Peter Pan kind of way. He's actually the responsible one of the two, always pays his bills (usually on time), and he's a good husband to her. He supports her and her randomness. And just like mom, if he sees an opportunity to have fun he takes it. He and mom are good together but they've decided they can't both be crazy at the same time, it's too dangerous. Time might stop, or the Earth would hop out of its orbit or some other catastrophic event could happen. We've all agreed that for the good of mankind, one would always be the adult while the other had their turn at constrained insanity. So far it's been a good arrangement.

Since Edward stayed behind in Forks I didn't have to worry about him being seen or needing to hurry back to keep him company. This trip was all about me. I could just lounge around if that's what I wanted. But I couldn't help but want to have Edward with me. I hated having fun without him. I felt guilty and my thoughts were always with him but I know why he volunteered to stay.

Edward knows how much I love my mother. Giving her up to be with him is not ideal but then again neither is growing into a senior citizen and having Edward be mistaken for my grandson. Nothing about that pleases me. If only I could keep them both. Mom raised me to be independent and that's what I'm doing, I just never thought it would be so hard.

The more time I get with mom while I still can the better. I promised Edward I would make some good memories while I was here and I intend to. Starting with today's adventures. Mom wouldn't say last night what she had in store for me but knowing her,_ it could be anything._ I finished getting dressed and put my hair up in a ponytail. I needn't bother putting makeup on because for one thing anyone I'd care to impress is 2000 miles away, and for another, I'd just sweat it off anyway. It's hotter than Hades here.

As I was about to head out of my bedroom, I stood in the doorway and paused, took a deep breath and crossed myself like I've seen people do on film, when they're about to attempt something dangerous, and headed downstairs.

I noticed mom was already up and bustling around looking for one thing or another.

"Keys, keys, what did I do with my keys?" Renee mumbled to herself.

We've played this game before, _many times_. Renee is probably the most disorganized person I know.

"Did you check your purse?" I said.

"Of course I did, that was the first place I checked."

"Did you check your pockets?"

"Bella, of course I did, I'm not a complete-" the sound of jingling as Renee patted her pockets was unmistakable. Her face contorted to assume the, '_Oh no I did it again',_ expression.

I couldn't help it. I tried not to, but I laughed while giving her the look of "I told you so."

Renee sheepishly pulled her keys out. "Don't look at me like that! I knew they were there all along, I was just… testing you."

"Of course you were, what other explanation is there?" I said playing along.

We both laughed. "Well I'm glad at least _Your_ mind is here, mine however has gone on hiatus," she said yawning. "I need COFFEE."

Hearing her say this as if coffee was the nectar of life for which she needed to live, prompted me to remember last night. None of us got a good night's rest. I suddenly felt a little guilty about that.

I took it upon myself to go figure out Renee's coffeemaker. _You'd think they'd all be the same,_ I grumbled to myself. _What's with all the buttons?_ I proceeded to fill the carafe with water when Renee reminded me to avoid the tap water because it tastes funny and use the bottled water. That's probably a good rule of thumb when traveling come to think of it. But then again, as a vampire I'll never have to worry about little things like that.

That got me to thinking. I don't really consider myself well-traveled, just about every place I've been, with exception of going to Italy with Alice, involved my parents one way or another. And then, I couldn't exactly do any sight-seeing in Italy given the circumstances. I wondered how being a vampire would make traveling different for me. All the sights and all the experiences would be from a vampire's perspective, I'll have nothing to compare it to.

I suddenly felt a stirring in my belly and heard a gurgling noise.

"Boy, someone's hungry," Mom said.

"Uh yeah, I guess so." Perhaps the time difference was playing games with my metabolism, but I really wasn't that hungry yet. But the achy twinge in my belly was hard to ignore, so after making the coffee I began searching for something to eat.

"OH! Let me do breakfast today!" Renee said excitedly.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Her sudden outburst scared me. I was so jumpy these days.

"I'm sorry," she laughed, "I didn't mean to frighten you. Oh well, we'll consider that payback for last night."

"Uh, yeah okay." _Uh oh_. _She brought it up._ _Now it's just a matter of time before she asks-_

"So, what was all that about, Bella?" she asked.

_-about the dream._ _Yep, right on the dot_. Well, I guess there's no point in lying to her, that would be a complete waste of time. She wouldn't believe a word of it.

"To be honest I really don't know." Which was true.

"Describe it to me."

I described the dream in as much detail as I could remember.

"Wow, well that's a strange one," she said in a slight chuckle. "And you don't know what any of that could mean?"

The bag, _no_. The eyes... "Why does it have to mean anything?"

"Because a lot of times dreams mean something - something real that your waking mind doesn't know how to process in any other way, so it comes out while you sleep."

"And Psych 101 rears its ugly head," I said tauntingly, dripping with sarcasm.

"Hey, it doesn't take a psych major to see something's on your mind, baby girl. And knowing you, you're not dealing with it. You do that, you know. If something bothers you or scares you, you don't face it. You just put it in a little drawer, in a little desk somewhere deep inside your mind, like the ostrich-sand thing."

It helps to be fluent in Reneeish. She meant the analogy of the ostrich putting its head in sand to keep from being seen. I don't do that. Do I? I giggled, "You say it like it's a bad thing," trying to lighten things up.

She laughed. "Okay, I get it, you don't want to talk about it."

"NoPe," I said with emphasis on the "P".

"Fine. Okay, first - breakfast. Then, YOU'RE MINE!" feigning a maniacal laugh.

My insane mother was always fun but sometimes the old woman in me worried about the young one in her.

* * *

We got in the car and headed north. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect but being surrounded by beaches and touristy things, I just assumed it was one of the two. It's a good thing I never tire of being wrong. We were so engrossed in conversation I didn't notice at first where we were or how far we'd gone. We continued to travel north on I-95. Geography was never my strong suit so I relied on the highway signs. Imagine my surprise.

"GEORGIA? Mother!" I cried in disbelief.

My mom laughed her nutty laugh, the one she uses just for occasions such as these, when she knows she got me.

I started laughing and covered my face; what in the world is she doing? But I've learned that when it comes to her you just gotta go with the flow and hope for the best. This wasn't surprising in the least. What did surprise me is how much I needed this. I hadn't realized until just now how intense everything's been for the last few months, and how much I've missed her.

We used to talk about everything, we used to know everything that was going on in our lives. She was so much more than a mother to me, she was at one time my best friend.

Once I got over the shock of the situation, tears began to well up and my eyes stung. Her tone changed, "What's wrong? Why do you look so sad all of a sudden."

I tried to blink the tears away, faked a smile and said, "It's nothing. I guess I've missed our little - _adventures_."

"Ohh," she said groaning. "Don't do that, now I'm going to start crying."

I laughed, and she grabbed my hand and held on. This only made me want to cry more but I turned my head so she couldn't see.

We continued to keep the conversation light. It was just now approaching noon and there was still a lot of day left.

She said, "Phil and I have come up here a few times, this area is just amazing. It's like another time."

"So where exactly are we going? New York?" I said joking.

She laughed, "No silly. We're actually not too far from it now," and she pointed to the road signs of nearby towns. One seemed to stand out above the others.

I gasped. "Savannah!"

"Mm-hmm," she said affirmatively.

"Oh my gosh!" I said. I couldn't contain my excitement.

Savannah's always been a fascinating city to me, definitely one of the 'places you should visit before you die' kinda place, or so I've been told. It's been in countless movies, too, so I was anxious to finally see it for myself. When we came in through the southside of the city, at first it looked like any other city. Malls, colleges, street after street of cars impatiently going somewhere and one chain restaurant after another. I'll admit, at first I was disappointed.

But then, after what seemed like forever driving to the downtown part of Savannah, the traffic got more congested and the streets seemed to get narrower. It's like we crossed over the threshold. Before I knew it, there was one really old building after another, a sea of bricks and wrought-iron gates and old world artistry. It was beautiful. Mom was right, it was like we were in another time. The ivy that ran along the walls of the antebellum houses were really impressive, they seemed to cling and grow on anything that stood still long enough. Then, the moment we entered one of the main streets that cut through the heart of downtown itself, we were greeted with row after row of trees covered in Spanish moss dripping off of them as if someone draped them in loops and loops of brown lace. I couldn't help but stare out the car window taking in the ambiance. It was more than just what you were seeing, you could literally 'feel' this town, it was hard to explain. It was like some part of me was waking up and coming alive, a part of me I didn't know was there. I felt completely at home here.

Mom was getting a kick out of my reactions. We bypassed square after square, she made a point of coming this way in order to point out places and streets that I had seen in movies like _Forrest Gump_ and _Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil_. We were close enough to the river now to get out and walk around to soak up the scenery. When it got too hot, Mom promised we'd eventually eat on the riverfront. The river, which quite literally separates Georgia from South Carolina, runs along the entire length of old Savannah. Ships from another era that once floated into this harbor using only sails, have now been replaced with cargo ships, the occasional yacht and/or sailboat, and river ferryboats. It was a pleasant surprise to find cobblestone streets and old fashioned looking lamps outside the little shops, some shops looked so small you wondered how people were able to move around in them. A klutz like me would have a hard time with that.

We stopped at Bernie's on the Riverfront and had a really good late lunch, everything was fried and I mean everything. We felt a little out of place at first but there's nothing typical about this pub. It's nautical theme mixed in with new advertisements and modern music, the tables made of really thick planks of wood were gnarled and mottled over time and the history of many a visitor being etched into it's stained wood added to the ambience. We walked along the riverwalk, stopping just long enough to look inside the nearby shops of local fare, one was a candle shop where they literally made their own carved candles, all kinds. The odor of the pralines shop next door captured us and lured us into their shop for samples. It blew us away. Mom and I walked away with bags of the stuff. We sat down on the benches facing the water and let the seagulls and children entertain us while we nibbled our treats.

The old 'Mom and me' team of adventurers was back, it was like I was 10 years old again, only mom was a little grayer and I wasn't a kid anymore. I'm an adult now. _It was so strange to be saying that_. It didn't occur to me until later, but I hadn't thought about Edward or Jacob even one time that afternoon. I had to admit, it felt kinda nice to stop worrying and just focus on me and having a good time. I guess this is what being a normal young adult is like, no responsibilities except doing homework and after-school activities. This must be what everybody else seemed to know, that life isn't always so desperate and hurried. Some girls actually only worried if a guy liked them, what will I wear to the dance, what's my major going to be? Something that seemed so vacuous before, now had an interesting allure to it. Man, what was it like to not have the world on your shoulders every minute of the day?

Well, I guess I know now. It's pretty nice, in fact it's great! I was smiling, and laughing at the seagulls - who are very smart as it turns out - and I was enjoying myself. Mom and I continued our stroll going around the block, the long way, to her car at a leisurely pace as the Savannah sun didn't allow for any other option. We were window shopping when we came across one shop that piqued my interest. It was called "The Raven's Moon," and it was a metaphysical book shop. Mom expressed some delight, she said she and Phil walked by this before but he was reluctant to go in. She was anxious to check it out. Truth be told I would have gone in without her, something about this place was drawing me in but I passed it off as innocent curiosity. But then again, curiosity _did_ kill the cat I reminded myself. I tried not to think of that as I walked in through the door and quickly forgot it as the chimes went off alerting the store clerk of our presence.

The lady, dressed in a purple romance shirt with flared sleeves and short black hair greeted us with a welcoming smile. Any preconceived notions I may have had were allayed with that smile. This must be the southern hospitality everyone's always talked about. She must get a lot of out-of-towners and they probably all ask the same inane questions, so I kept mine to myself. Mom strode over to the incense section while I began perusing the jewelry section which was really just a small corner by the front window. As I turned around I noticed a reflection of the lady at the counter looking at me. I smiled back and began to look through the nearby section of oils and perfumes. There was something in the way this lady looked at me. It was as if she recognized me, I must remind her of someone I rationalized and put it out of my head.

All of the scents and aromas were beginning to make my head swirl, so I meandered over to the next section which were candles. I was totally bowled over by how many different types there were. I've never put much thought into aromatherapy but each scent, it seems, has a function, some extremely specific. Here they've taken it to all new heights; some to help treat depression, acne, even PMS. I came across the scents intended to help you find romance and quickly moved passed it, the last thing I needed was another complication. I was about to move to another section when a voice broke the silence.

"Can I help you find anything?" the store clerk said behind me, her name badge saying "Kara".

I jumped again. "Uh no, thanks, I'm just looking," and smiled back.

"Are you sure?" she said not quite convinced. "You seemed particularly interested, in these candles, specifically. I could help you figure some of this out, if you like."

I was tempted to just let it go but there was something in the way she was speaking to me, it wasn't like she was just some sales clerk using high-pressure tactics. She really seemed interested in _me_, even concerned. I felt so at ease around her. Just reading her face, it was as if she was dying to ask something.

"Uh, well now that you mention it, I could use a little help with these essential oil candles. There's so many and all the descriptions are just running together now, I can't tell one from the other. What do you have for - bad dreams?" I said, hesitantly.

She looked at me as if she understood completely. It was like I gave her the one clue she needed - to what - I have no idea.

"I sensed you had something weighing on your mind."

I looked at her surprised.

"It's a gift, I can generally sense what a person needs even before they do. It comes in handy at times like these," she smiled again. "Now, one route we could go would be to give you something that will relax you and will calm the nerves, and while this will help you to sleep it won't cure the dreams. I'm afraid dreams are more complex than that."

This didn't give me a good feeling.

"Dreams have a tendency to magnify and distort and corrupt the issues that are really bothering you. So the trick isn't in a magic pill or something to make the dreams stop. We don't want them to stop; they tell us things. What we need to do is find out what's causing them. Once your dreams are simplified and become more clear you can begin the process of fixing whatever it is that's causing your dreams in the first place."

I was lost but she felt sure of what she was talking about, and that gave me confidence.

"Now let me see...let me see...Ah here we go," she said. She seemed very pleased with herself.

"This is what you need. Right now there's so much in your head that it's all a jumble, am I right? Impossible to sort out?"

I nodded.

"When you're ready, take a nice hot bath and light this. There must be no distractions, you must let yourself feel what you feel, let yourself go and allow whatever images and memories this conjures up to run its course. You may notice something right away or it may take several times, it's different for everyone. Either way you mustn't be afraid. It's the only way to make those dreams go away once and for all."

This perhaps sounded more ominous than she intended but I took what she said to heart. "What if this doesn't work," I asked.

"_When you're ready_, it'll work in ways even you may not expect. This is just a tool, not a cure-all. It's just to help things along, that's all. The one in here (she said touching her head) and the one in here (she was touching her heart) will find their way."

I was afraid to ask what she meant, but she seemed so sure of herself. By that time, mom was ready and so was I. We checked out and as I was leaving Kara reached for my hand and lightly patted me.

"Don't worry, you'll all be fine."

* * *

As we left the store, her assistant, a frumpy, plain-looking woman that couldn't be taller than 5 feet tall came in to relieve Kara for dinner. Kara didn't move or acknowledge her. Kara's eyes were transfixed on us as we left.

"Kara? You have goosebumps. What's going on? You look like you've seen a ghost?"

Kara looked down with a fascinated/surreal look on her face, her black hair moving to one side as she looked up to say, "My dear Nora, I think I just did."

* * *

_**A/N**: Yay I'm Back! Thank you all for your patience, it's been so crazy around here you just wouldn't believe it. Anywho, as you can see Bella has a lot to deal with but that's nothing new. I haven't lived in Savannah for years so my description may or may not be accurate but I wrote what I could remember of it. The way Bella feels about it is how I felt about it when I lived there. I miss it. The book store is also right out of my memory too, although I don't think it's there anymore, however there's quite possibly another one just like it. I couldn't remember the name so I just came up with the one above, I thought it was cool. Ha! This is of course a fantasy/fictional story so keep this in mind as I delve into the metaphysical realm just a tad. I've also gone back and made a few minor changes here and there in all of my previous chapters. Nothing too significant, probably nothing you would even notice but I noticed them as I read through them again. Hopefully the new format is an improvement, too. Thank you guys again for being so patient and understanding. I really do hope you keep reading because like I said in previous chapters, there's more to come!_***


	12. Ambivalence

_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this. _

* * *

**Ambivalence**

"You're so quiet. Bella?"

I really hadn't noticed much of anything in the last 30 or so minutes in the car. So many things ran through my mind all at once. The sun was quickly dropping out of sight as trees and houses covered each other in long shadows. The scenery around me sped past my window zipping by at alarming speeds. _Mom and Edward should race...just once_, I mused.

Going south to Jacksonville now, I really wasn't paying attention to where we were anymore. "_When you're ready_,_ it'll work in ways even you may not expect."_ What did she mean by that? It was like she was talking in code or something. It was the same feeling I got when I'd talk to Alice. When talking to her or even Edward, and now this lady, it's always like they know something I don't know. It was kind've annoying really. I mean, I'm not a child anymore, why can't people just tell me things as they happen - bad news or not? Feeling really annoyed at the way the world works, I suddenly came to realize...

"Huh? Did you say something?"

"Bella? I've been trying to talk to you." Mom replied exasperated.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I guess I was out of it for a minute there."

"Just a little," she said sarcastically.

I went quiet again. There were so many things on the tip of my tongue I wanted to discuss but I somehow didn't know where to start. Mainly because nearly all of it had to do with things I'm not allowed to discuss with certain people. The less she knows the better, I rationalized.

"What's on your mind?" she asked.

Oh dear. I didn't factor in just how nosy she could be. This was going to be tricky.

"Not much, um, I just was thinking about today's events is all."

The oncoming car's headlights revealed a smile on her face. "I'm glad you liked it. I'm also glad you were able to come. I've been wanting to take you since we moved here but it always seemed like there was some big thing you were going through."

I grew quiet again. She was so right. I guess I had been avoiding her but in my defense it has been an eventful year and a half.

"So what's really on your mind? I know there's more to it, Bella."

Exhaling hard, I just couldn't find the one lie that would satisfy her.

"You know," mom said, "we've never really discussed the wedding. Does it have anything to do with that?"

"A little."

She mulled this over. "What's troubling you, Bella? I have my theories but I'd rather hear it from you."

"I'd rather hear your theories." Although I was stalling, a part of me really was interested.

"Well the first and most obvious one I have is the wedding scares you; that's my first guess. I'm just going by the invite Alice was kind enough to send me, of course."

I was confused. "Edward and I sent you that invite," I corrected.

"Oh please! Your name may be on it and you may have sealed it and licked the stamp but that's the only thing of you on that invitation, Bella. Quite frankly, although it was very beautiful and artfully done, don't get me wrong - it looks like a stranger planned the whole thing right down to the weird little wisps of tissue paper and envelope upon envelope of even more decadent paper. Since when are you interested in any of that? You've changed but you haven't changed _That_ much."

"I guess I have let Alice have free rein on the whole thing, but it's only because I didn't even want…" I stopped suddenly. I felt the warmth creep into my face. "Uh, I, I just didn't want to make a fuss is all and a big wedding is important to Edward's family so I guess I caved, that's all." I felt like I was just barely hanging on. _Is it getting stuffy in here_?

"Edward's family." She repeated. She was mulling something over again.

"What?"

"What about _you_, Bella? What's your say in this whole thing?"

"I've told you what I want, and why."

"I know what you said. I want to know _what_ _you_ _want_."

I didn't know how to answer her question. Then she asked an even harder one: "Do you really _want_ to get married, Bella? Really?"

I managed to lie to her on the phone, I managed to avoid all conversations that were leading up to this but sitting here in the safety and comfort of her car, I finally said aloud what she already seemed to know.

"No. Not really. I mean I do want to be with Edward, I do. I can't imagine life without him. But…"

She inhaled and exhaled deeply. She seemed relieved.

"Thank goodness," she said almost in a whisper.

"What? It doesn't change anything, the wedding is still on."

"I know, but your answer just now is the first time I feel like you were finally really saying something. It wasn't a canned response. I've had a real bad feeling since that first phone call, Bella. But this felt like it really came from you. Bella **is** still in there."

"Of course I am. I swear mom I haven't been taken over by alien pods or become a Stepford Wife or anything."

"That's good." She chuckled.

A few more miles passed before she spoke again.

"So what does Jake think of this whole thing?"

I think I literally jumped when she said his name.

"Uh, he's not too wild about it actually."

"Because… he's in love with you."

I was speechless. How does she do this? How do moms know things they shouldn't know? I turned to her but couldn't quite face her, my eyes desperately trying not to reach hers. Maybe I was afraid she would see right through me.

"How? How could you know that?"

I could hear a smile cross her face, "Because I'm mom, I know everything. Oh and Charlie filled me in on a few details, too." Before I could get a response out she said, "But even if he hadn't I wasn't exactly shocked. I could tell something was up from your emails."

My emails. My brain scanned and suddenly remembered not only the contents of those emails but the time period in which they were written; when Edward had left me. My nose and eyes began to burn.

"How do you feel about Jake, Bella?"

She was wanting a confidence but I wasn't sure she was ready to hear it, I wasn't sure I was ready to say it. Or was I?

"He's my best friend. He saved me, in every way important." I found myself smiling, but the more I spoke the harder it got. "I, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him." My eyes were now teary and I was glad she couldn't see me but she could hear me. She reached for my hand and squeezed it.

That was the push I needed. I'd been hiding my feelings for so long but talking to mom about Jake seemed to unburden me in a huge way. I felt such an immense rush of pent up emotion and release that I began to cry, _hard_. I covered my face as mom put her arm around me and pulled me over to her. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her such private personal things, for one thing I come off looking kind've bad in it and for another thing I was worried what she would think of me. I'm not exactly blameless in all of this.

"Tell me everything, Bella. No matter what it is, tell me everything."

We still had an hour to go in driving but it took that whole hour and then another half an hour sitting in the car in the driveway for me to explain it as best I could, including my feelings for Jake. I had to omit the fantastical elements of course, e.g., vampires, werewolves, the Volturi etc. I was right, it was tricky but I somehow managed. It was while I was revealing our story that I really heard for the first time what our little soap opera sounds like to an outsider. It all seemed really, really small and weak. In explaining it to someone not in the know of the reasons for the really tense situations, I realized our story just didn't hold up very well. It sounded like an episode on a really cheesy TV show.

"Really, that's it? Bella you're not doing a very good job of convincing me of your commitment to this marriage. I mean, not that you don't love him, I don't doubt that for a second but it takes quite a bit more than that for this kind of commitment. This isn't a fairy tale where evil is vanquished and the princess is saved by her prince and they live happily ever after. Believe me I know! Haven't you ever wondered why they go into such detail about how the hero and the damsel in distress get together but then completely leave out the rest in these stories?"

_Great, another lecture, I didn't want another one, but I could tell she put some thought into this one_.

"All these romance stories are all keen on getting you interested in getting a boyfriend and getting married to seal the deal but then as soon as they do that's the end of the story. You're a smart girl, Bella, I think you and I both know it's not that simple. Jake is proof-positive of that.

"You can't marry Edward, Bella, not when you have such strong feelings for Jake. It's not fair to Edward, it's not fair to any of you. I mean, I appreciate Edward's tenacity about keeping himself and you chaste, _believe me I do_, but there's got to be another way? A compromise that doesn't involve a lifetime commitment that still makes you both happy."

"You know, most mothers try to 'stop' their teenage daughters from having sex," I chided.

"Well in case you haven't noticed I'm not 'most mothers', and it would be different if you were 15 or something but in case you also haven't noticed you're almost 19. I'm not naive to how things are, Bella. Believe it or not I've come to terms with your potential sex life a loooong time ago. Waiting - is a wonderful, beautiful notion, and if you can manage it as a young couple that's amazing and inspiring. But frankly, I'm surprised you waited this long. Remember when we talked about birth control and all that? What, you think I _enjoyed_ that? I was cringing the whole time, but I was just being realistic. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone you doing the whole football team but I remember very well what teenage hormones can do."

"Mom!"

"What? It's true. I mean, what do you think your father and I were like when we were your age? We couldn't get enough of each other."

"MOM! Ewww! Come on! No one wants to hear that!" I bellowed and covered my ears.

She was chuckling pretty hard now but I was still cringing.

"Bella, you've told me an awful lot of how you feel for Edward, but so far, nothing to convince me this is the right choice for you. I just don't _feel_ your commitment to this. You have options, Bella, many, many options but you keep treating this as if there's only one."

It would probably all make more sense if I could just tell her everything. I really had to bite my tongue.

"Charlie's told me all about Jacob, what sort of person he is, his character, how you are with him. I like Edward, I do, but I like Jacob, too. I haven't even met him and I like him. Do you know why? Because Charlie said and I noticed it too, that Jacob brings out your spirit. You're already giving up so much, it just seems really one-sided, I mean, what's Edward giving up? And don't bother pretending you're fine. Your nightmares and your jitteriness; I've never seen you so on edge, _ever_. It's affecting you, don't pretend it's not. You look exhausted, Bella, like you haven't slept in weeks. Your body's been trying to tell you something. Maybe you should listen."

"What? What's it trying to say?"

"That when it comes to getting married you have to just _know_. It can't be something you talk yourself into, it shouldn't be something you have to weigh the pros and cons against and it should never be for the other person, just to make them happy. You have to be 100% committed to this and everything your body is showing me shows you're not."

Mom's right. I am exhausted, probably another reason why I'm so emotional. There was so much stuff swirling around in my head I just couldn't keep it all straight anymore.

"I'm done, I just wanted to have my say," mom said.

"I appreciate your candidness, you're one of the few people who actually just tells it like it is to me, without editing yourself to protect me. But it's too late. It's taken on a life of its own now. Invitations have been RSVP'd, gifts have come in, the cake's been ordered, Alice's dress is finally finished…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let me explain something to you. You can cancel at ANY time, Bella. It's Your wedding, YOUR life. Don't worry about anyone else."

"But so much planning went into this. Edward would be so disappointed and… I don't know what's going to happen to us if I don't go through with this?"

"Bella, he's a big boy, and he loves you. He'll deal with whatever you decide. Alice will just have to find another project, maybe get a little therapy if it comes down to that, but you are not getting married just cause you don't want to inconvenience anyone. That's the worst reason yet to get married!"

_Can it be? Can I really do this_? What will happen with my relationship once I call this off? A big part of me wants to go through with it for Edward's, even Alice's, sake but if that's the right course why did I just feel like a 10,000 lb. weight had been lifted off of me at the thought of canceling? It's just two weeks till the wedding. Do I have the strength to do this?

"I think I'm more confused than ever. I don't know."

"I do. Bella, I was where you are now once upon a time. All my instincts told me what to do but I ignored them. I don't regret Charlie, Bella. I don't. He was the nicest boy in our class and he tried, Bella, he really tried. I did too. But the more I tried, the more I left behind who I really was. What I really wanted. I didn't even recognize or like the new me, and that scared me. I just went through the motions when we got married. I wasn't brave enough to stop it from happening and my ambivalence just ended up hurting people more, Charlie especially. I think about that all the time."

She sniffed. I saw a tear roll down her cheek that she quickly wiped away.

"It's not either/or. You can still be with Edward, Bella. You can still love each other, be there for each other, go to school together. Or not. Just whatever. Figure it out as you go. Maybe you can even get your feelings for Jacob figured out, too."

She makes it sound so easy, but doing what I know I need to do is going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Just thinking about it made me feel queasy.

"Let's go in, huh? I don't know about you but all of a sudden I'm real tired," mom said.

"Okay."

After that night and for the rest of that trip, while I still tossed and turned occasionally dreaming strange things, the nightmares mercifully stopped.

* * *

_**A/N**: I'm sure you're probably all wondering why so much emphasis is placed on Bella. It's probably because she has the most to learn. It's also because it all seems to begin and end with her. It wouldn't be much of a story without our heroine and it would be a shame if she never learns and grows from her mistakes. We've all made them, we've all learned the hard way, why not her? And FYI, there will be one more chapter highlighting Bella (just one more epiphany to go), then the next will be about Jacob leaving for Hawaii. Also, don't worry about where certain plot devices are leading, I haven't forgotten them. I'll use every single one, no holes will be left behind, I promise. Thanks for sticking around! :D._

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_V__isit my Facebook page and "Like", or just say hi ! facebook pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm. _


	13. MISSING

*****A/N*****Happy Halloween!- _To those of you following this story, I should start off with an apology for how long it's taking between chapters. Yes, life does get in the way sometimes and yes this is a lengthy chapter (my longest by far) but you've all been so faithful and so patient. I just really want to say thank you for giving me room to breathe so I can carve this chapter out in the form I wanted it. Also of importance regarding this chapter is to clarify that I have not read any of Ms. Meyers' other works, only the Twilight series 1-4. I haven't read Midnight Sun or The Host or Bree Tanner or whatever else is out there. My stuff would probably be more complete if I had but then again I purposely kept it that way so I can add bits and pieces of my own originality to fill the cracks. So everything you read below is from my own imagination. So don't burn me if what you read isn't in jive with what she's written. That was her interpretation, this is mine. Be Advised: Some parts may be disturbing on a very real level to some readers. Just know that it is of the utmost sincerity that I don't wish to offend anyone but I really would like to pursue this storyline so that I can finally get the rest of my story moving in the right direction. At least that's what I'm hoping. _

*Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.*

* * *

**MISSING**

"Edward, this is the hardest thing I've ever, ever had to do. I don't even know how to do this right. Please don't say anything, if I hear your voice I'll lose all my confidence." I took a deep breath. "Edward, I can't, I don't want to get married. I love you," I added quickly, "and I don't want to lose you but I just don't want this. It's been gnawing at me for weeks, I think you know this. Please, just know that I'm not saying no to _you_, I'm just saying no to marriage. I know all of your feelings and reasons on this but…"

[Thump! Thump! Thump!]

I jumped as I heard three loud knocks on the door behind me.

"Uh, excuse me, are you almost finished?" someone on the other side of the door said.

Still shaken I stammered, "Uh, y-yes, just a sec."

_How embarrassing. B__eing told to rush in an airplane lavatory_, I thought.

I turned on the faucet and pretended to wash my hands. I looked in the mirror again. My color was back to normal, my hair looked nicely put together and I had gotten some sun. I looked healthy again.

It's about nine days till the wedding now and I could feel my heart speed up at the thought of it. The anxiety was making me breathe hard again and I put all my effort into stopping any attacks while I was on the plane. That really would be embarrassing!

I exited the restroom and gave a short apology to the waiting person. They nodded in politeness but they were still clearly annoyed.

I made my way to my seat. Okay, I thought. I think I've got the first part figured out, the most important part. Now how do I finish it? How do I end the engagement, without ending us? I scrunched my face up as if I were in pain.

So many thoughts were going through my head at once all swirling around in a confused mess. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes waiting for inspiration to hit me. Everything I had thought to say, _before I was so rudely interrupted_, seemed okay but basically hokey. Nothing was good enough. Mom said to just be honest and assert myself, this was her final bit of advice to me as we were saying our goodbyes at the airport. She wore her worried face but I could tell she was trying not to show it. I think I know where I get my inability to lie from. Her poker face needs work.

Okay, no more stalling. How do I say this without killing Edward? It's redundant I know but it's gonna kill him; but this can't be too surprising can it? He has to know what this has been doing to me? He's offered on more than one occasion to just run off and elope. And as sweet as he is, he even offered to call off the wedding a couple of times but feeling the pressure I caved, again. That's what mom's really worried about I think. She's worried I'll cave again. And Alice… I think I regretted telling her more than I regretted Edward. Edward loved me like no other. Mom was right, he'll take it better than she will.

_Aaahh! I'm doing it again_! Okay, clear your mind Bella, concentrate, no more stalling! Coming up with something on the spur of the moment is not my forte. I have to know exactly what to say ahead of time. Okay let's see, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, "feelings and reasons"...

As the plane was circling the airport my nerves hit their highest point ever. I was happy to be back, happy to be home but dreading everything else. I wish it were last week. I wish it were next week. I even wish it were tomorrow, anything but today. Today is going to be the worst ever.

I had gone over the speech a couple dozen times in my head, I felt ready, about as ready as I'll ever be but the lump in my throat showed no signs of shrinking.

But at least I didn't feel like I was doing something against my nature this time, I know that feeling all too well; but it's going to be every bit as difficult nonetheless. Purposely hurting Edward however WAS against my nature.

Edward couldn't wait for a second plane to carry me to Port Angeles so he picked me up straight from Sea-Tac. Our homecoming was so beautiful, so sweet. It was all Edward could do to not run at supersonic speed to reach me and hug me. His lips crushed mine in a rushed embrace as he picked me up, unafraid of how it looked to onlookers. You would think he had been away on a yearlong tour of duty from the look of us.

He finally stopped kissing me and we came to our senses, "How was your trip?"

"It was fine, it was great actually. Mom and I had the best time," I said smiling.

"I can tell. You look so…beautiful. Rested I mean, you've always been beautiful. This trip must have done you a world of good."

All I could do was smile as we hugged again. I was worried if I said too much my big mouth would say something too incriminating and he would want to know right now and now wasn't the time. Not here.

"So, how's everyone?" I asked. "Did you see Charlie, how is he?"

"I went by your house once to check on things and deliver your message to him. He's fine. He was very happy that you were having such a good time down there." He stopped too abruptly, like there was something else.

"And?"

"And nothing. He's just been preoccupied with work. He's glad you were having fun but he was missing you."

There was something else I could feel it, but he wasn't forthcoming. Again, all I could do was smile and look away. We both seemed to be treading softly, although for very different reasons.

"Well let's get the rest of your things and get you back, he wanted me to bring you straight back to the house as soon as your plane landed. I missed you by the way," he said smiling.

He kissed and hugged me and those same familiar stirrings I could always count on to be there comforted me.

"I missed you too, more than you know."

We picked up my luggage and as we headed toward the exit we passed window after window strewn with fliers. I hadn't noticed it before I left for this trip but they almost completely covered the outside window like one large sheet. I was annoyed that I couldn't see anything beyond it. After we finally reached the doors and I felt the cool air hit my skin, I gasped and swallowed some air which immediately made me shiver. I paused just outside the door to adjust my coat and was about to swing around to put my back to the wind when Edward hurried me to the waiting car.

We were several miles down the road when he asked, "Are you getting warm?" The heater was going full blast.

"Yes, it's lovely, thank you."

"So tell me about your trip."

I recounted in detail everything we had seen, especially our day trip to Savannah. He's been there a few times as it turns out although not for a few decades and never during the day. This disappointed me at first, for as time goes by and I experience new things, it becomes apparent that Edward's experienced it already, many times, and visited many places I've only read about. I suppose jealousy describes how I feel but it's more than that. I'm such a novice, practically a child compared to Edward. Our experiences will never match up even if I live to be a thousand. It seemed so shallow to feel this way but I couldn't help it.

Still, I laughed out loud as he described place after place mom and I visited. His description was so detailed it was as if he had just seen it but in reality it was decades ago. We compared notes and we both marveled at how very little had changed.

I chimed, "We'll have to go again soon. Maybe some time after we get…"

I couldn't finish. I stopped because I literally couldn't finish the sentence. I began to panic. I can't believe I just did that.

"After we what? Get married?"

_What do I do? What do I say? Think, dammit!_

"Yeah, I mean um. _Or…"_ _Oh No! I'm messing this up so bad. I wasn't ready to drop the bomb but I don't want to continue to make promises I can't keep._

"Bella, is there something you want to tell me? You've been preoccupied since you arrived?"

_Don't lie, _I told myself._ He doesn't deserve that._ _Damn my stupid stupid mouth!_ _Well, this was going to happen sooner or later. I was just hoping for later… but I'm out of time. I've let this go for far too long._

"Bella, your heart's about to pound out of your chest and you sound like you're going to hyperventilate. What is it, darling? Please tell me."

"Edward…" _Oh my gosh I can't remember a single thing I rehearsed_. _Okay,_ _breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate._ "There is something. It's not good and there's just no good or easy way to say this." I cleared my throat and took a deep breath, "Edward, I can't marry you."

He grew quiet, and so did I.

The silence was the worst part. I didn't know what kind of reaction to expect out of him but I expected something. Instead it was nothing. I think I could handle just about anything he could say to me, even if he spewed vile epithets at me but not this. His unknowable pain echoed mine.

"Are you sure?" he said in barely a whisper.

My eyes teared. I've never heard him so vulnerable, so wounded.

The lump in my throat prevented me from responding. I shook my head 'yes'.

An eternity later he said, "I guess I should have known. I guess I did know, just didn't want to admit it to myself."

"I'm sorry. It seems like such an insignificant thing to say, to something like this, but I just don't know what else to say, Edward."

"Don't be sorry, Bella. I really don't want you to go through with something you've never really wanted. I knew your feelings on marriage, it's hardly out in left field but I hoped…"

He couldn't finish. I know what he hoped. He hoped eventually I'd change my mind and feel better about the whole idea. It wouldn't be unreasonable to hope, if it weren't impossible.

Forks was still three hours away at normal speeds and for once in the whole time I've known him, Edward drove the speed limit. We talked about everything. We discussed all of my fears, the nightmares, my reason for accepting his proposal, everything. He never let go of my hand the whole time.

"There's another reason for your not wanting to get married, isn't there?" It wasn't really a question. It's not a real question when you already know the answer.

I could take any blame he wanted to put on my shoulders. No matter how harsh a criticism I get, I can take it, but if Edward wants to blame Jacob for my decision that's something I won't yield on. It's not his fault.

"There is," I finally answered. "But that's not my only reason, I think you know that. It doesn't change how I feel about you, I haven't stopped loving you, I won't stop loving you. I do want to be with you, I just can't marry you. _Or anyone_."

He seemed almost relieved at that last bit.

"Have you also considered that this is your mother talking? I know her feelings on marrying young, don't think I'm not aware of that. To say that you'll never marry is just ridiculous."

"I'm not saying I'll never marry, Edward, I'm saying marriage isn't in my future right now. I understand that you're hurt, but this is coming from me. _Me_. Isabella Swan. Okay, mom did help me sort out some things but she mostly just helped me to see what I already knew. I was miserable trying to be this person that I'm clearly not. Mom made me see the things I've been avoiding. Big things, matter-of-fact-in-your-face things. She says I'm so stubborn that sometimes it takes a brick wall to fall on me to notice the obvious. Kind of odd for someone so '_observant_', huh?"

"You are an odd duck, Ms. Swan," he said with a slight smile. All the tension and all the stress of the moment made his play on words extremely funny to me.

I laughed, "I know."

He pulled me over next to him and draped his arm around my shoulders.

"So what does this mean for us? Where do we go from here?" he asked.

Exhaling sharply, "We're no worse and no better than we were before as far as I can see. We're still together, we still love each other. School is around the corner and I don't know, we'll just wing it, I guess."

"_Just wing it?_" he repeated skeptically.

"Well, yeah."

"Bella darling, do I strike you as a 'just wing it' kind of guy?"

"No. Not exactly but there's no reason why you can't try."

His face showed difficulty with that. "It only goes against my essential makeup is all."

He finally said after a long pause, "But I'll try."

I handed the ring back to him and he reluctantly took it. We seemed to be about as good as we were going to be for the moment. Although our engagement was off, nothing was really resolved, or fixed, or even patched up. But at least we understood a little more about each other and what we already had, and for now it was fine. But I couldn't help feel the cracks created tonight. For the first time in the entire time Edward's been in my life, nothing felt certain.

We trekked on and soon we rolled up to my neighborhood. This quaint, sleepy little town seemed especially quiet tonight. I guess I was getting used to the hustle and bustle of bigger cities again. I couldn't wait to take a shower and wash the day away.

Dad ambushed me as soon as I walked in the door.

"You're back, and you made good time, too!"

I laughed quietly to myself thinking how amazed he'd be if Edward had gone the speeds he normally does and just smiled and hugged him back.

"Edward, how are you?"

"I'm fine, Mr. Swan, thanks for asking."

Edward's response revealed nothing of the events that just took place. He was as cool as ice. In fact, their exchange was the warmest I've seen since they first met and I could only guess that my homecoming probably had everything to do with it.

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes, I'm starving. What smells so good?" I continued to inhale a delicious aroma that made my mouth water.

"Homemade Lasagna," he said proudly.

I did a double take. "_Homemade_ _what_? Really?" I looked at Edward who was playing dumb. I continued to marvel at these words and the fact that my dad was somehow responsible for the smell emanating from the kitchen. These two things just didn't add up.

"What? Don't you think I'm capable of such a feat once in a while? I'm not inept, Bella. I'm not an idiot for crying out loud."

"Yes, yes you are. When it comes to cooking anyway. So, what's the deal, dad?" I said with crossed arms and an arched eyebrow.

"Okay, Sue pre-made the lasagna," he confessed. "She said all I had to do was put it in an hour before you got here. She said _even_ _I_ couldn't mess that up." He suddenly looked humbled.

I laughed heartily. "I missed you, dad!" and hugged him again.

"I missed you too, kid. I'm glad you're home, I was about to go crazy rambling around in this house alone."

"Aww!" I groaned.

"Now now, enough of that. Well now that you're here, let's eat!" he said happily.

Dad didn't quite have the kitchen ready for dinner, he had been busy with paperwork when we arrived so there were still some papers strewn across the kitchen table. I helped as we scooted and crammed it all together into a jumble and without bothering to try to sift and sort it all out he put the whole lot of them on top of another impenetrable pile on his desk. You almost couldn't call it a desk anymore, it was old and crummy and he mostly just used it to store things from work. I don't know how he ever finds anything in there but he claims it's an organized mess.

After a fabulous meal and a lively conversation about my Florida visit, dad headed off to the living room to watch the news. Edward and I decided to hold off on the engagement news until tomorrow, for dad anyway. He had had a long day already. We all had.

The Cullens will undoubtedly learn about it soon. In fact…

[Sound of ringtone playing] "_Cause we are living in a material world and I am a material girl, You know that we are living in a material world and I am a_…"

"Hello Alice," Edward answered. We had been regretting this moment.

Edward had to hold his phone away from his ear. I was sitting a few feet away and I could hear every word. Alice's usually melodic, silvery voice was shrill and piercing. I don't know how she escaped from knowing before tonight, but she knew now.

"Alice...Alice…Alice…" He couldn't get a word in edgewise. He ran his hand over and down his face.

The look he had was one of sheer frustration, it was actually sort of funny. But it wasn't right for Edward to take the flack for this. I held my hand out expectantly for the phone.

His look of apprehension said it all. "Are you sure?"

I nodded 'yes' and he handed me the phone. "Hold on," I said into it.

With one look I dismissed Edward's attempt to follow me and left him in the kitchen. I went outside so dad wouldn't hear.

Still chilly and windy I went to the far side of the house, the lee of which would protect me from the wind.

"Okay, hit me."

"Bella. I-am-going-to-kill-you." It wasn't a threat as much as she was stating this as a future potential fact.

I bit my bottom lip. "I'm sorry."

"What happened? I stop watching you for two seconds because up until now you were all set. You promised me over and over we were good to go, you promised me! All these week,s Bella! All these months and now…AAHHHH!"

Her scream of frustration nearly burst my eardrum.

"I'm coming over there," she said ominously.

"No you're not! Edward will kill you if you try to get close to me right now!" It was true, Edward's overprotectiveness would kick in and he'd have it out with Alice once and for all.

"Alice, I'm sorry, okay. I don't know what to tell you. Edward and I…we just…it's not the right time, Alice. I don't know what to say."

She was quiet for the first time, I suspected she was looking into my future.

"Alice," I said warningly.

"Interesting. Well that's a relief at least."

"What, what is?" She was ten steps ahead again.

"School. You're definitely still going to school, with Edward. You're living together and you both seem happy. Phew! That's a relief. For a second there I was worried I wouldn't…"

"What? What were you worried about?"

Seems her mouth is 10 steps in front of her, "I was worried I wouldn't be able to see you _at all_."

It took me a second or two to catch on.

"You were worried I would be with Jacob."

"Well you have to admit, it's not out of the realm of possibility."

I suddenly felt sad again. The same longing and sadness I feel when I think of him. I didn't know how to answer.

"Okay, fine, I won't come over there. Maybe Edward's right. In trying to talk some sense into you I might end up knocking your fool head off or something."

I giggled. She loved me too much to hurt me, we both knew that. It was unseasonably cool which made me miss the Florida heat. I was freezing, even though I was hidden from the wind.

"So you're fine, I trust? You sound good."

"I'm fine really, Edward's the one you should worry about." I shivered again.

"I'm not worried about Edward, he's a big boy, he's just going to be impossible to live with is all. Go inside, Bella, I can hear your teeth chattering. Get warm, okay."

"Thank you Alice! I don't just mean this, I mean thank you - for everything."

"We'll talk more tomorrow, maybe something will happen and you'll change your mind, _maybe_?"

"Alice."

"I know, okay. Talk to you later then. _Ughh_!"

A sound of disgust was the last thing I heard as we hung up. I was SO glad that was over! I inhaled and let out a huge sigh. It took me another second to fully realize how tired I was, exhausted actually. Edward and Alice were the two people I was most concerned about and now that I've told them I can relax. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. All that stress for nothing.

I hate disappointing people, I just hate it. But mom is right. It's my life and I need to be brave and make some decisions.

I quickly headed towards the door. Earlier, in our hurry to get here and inside I neglected to look around at anything. I did now. The towering trees swayed in the wind releasing all of the remnants from the most recent downpour. Fat droplets hit the ground, the surrounding leaves and foliage made a busy tapping sound as it hit them. I closed my eyes and inhaled the lush mossy scent and the smell of rain still hung in the air. _It was the smell of home_. It was a nice feeling.

I stole another glance looking along the tree floor, _wanting to see something,_ and then at the same time hoping I wouldn't. It was hard to tear my eyes away. I shivered as the wind found its way under my coat, forcing me back inside.

* * *

Several days go by and all seemed well. Edward and I sent out the news to everyone either personally or by phone, e-mail too. I was surprised to hear so many sighs of relief, even amongst my friends. My dear friends were worried about me. But they were all happy to hear we were still together. The rumor mill has been merciless. But if they objected, I wondered why in the world they didn't say anything but I guess they had their reasons. _Would I have listened_?

Dad was thrilled. He made no bones about it. I didn't even make an attempt to try to talk to Jacob. If I know Jacob, and I do, he won't want to talk to me. We tried to tell Billy but he wouldn't talk to us either, so we had dad do it. According to dad, while Billy was relieved about the wedding, dad was wondering why he still seemed anxious. He said it was like Billy was on the edge of his chair waiting for something else to happen. I pretended not to know what that was.

But of course I did. The tribe knew I would be turned after I married but now that the wedding is off, does that change things? The only thing the tribe could do was sit back, hold their breath and wait. But unlike before, the wedding at least gave them a timeframe. So they had to be wondering now, "Am I still going through with it?"

To be honest, I really wasn't sure what was next for me. School for sure, I knew I wanted to be with Edward, that hasn't changed. I knew I didn't want to grow old while Edward stayed young, that hasn't changed and I knew the only way we could be together realistically was for me to be changed. I knew that much. Everything else was a blur. Even things I had no doubts of before were fuzzy. Nothing seemed to be black and white anymore. Even my nightmares had begun to start up again. The latest one scared me nearly as bad as the others:

It was like I was watching two people without faces. One is strong, says what she means and is fierce, the other is timid and frail and looks sickly. I feel for the sick one, but I can't keep my eyes off the strong one. That's usually where the dream ends, never seeing their faces but always feeling a sense of foreboding. Remembering the candle I bought in Savannah, I followed the instructions and began using it. At first I slept better, no dreams at all. But last night it came back, only worse. Again, I was watching the two faceless people, nothing was different. But then, right before my eyes it changed. The strong one turns into someone I hoped to never see again, _Jane_. With her piercing red eyes against her angelic face, it was hard to look away. The other girl was a mystery. She was little, nearly as small as Jane. She had dark hair and seemed to be scared. She seemed familiar but I couldn't figure out why. Just before I feel like I'm about to figure out who she is, Edward wakes me up. He said he was worried Charlie would hear, which was reasonable.

It's a couple days before my canceled wedding and still nothing from Jake. I know I've got this coming, but that doesn't lessen the pain. I don't know when I'll see him again, I don't even know what I would say if I did.

After dad had left for work and Edward had gone back to his house to finish some details for school, I was left at the house to play catchup. As predicted, dad didn't do much else than mosey around the kitchen, watch sports and refer back to his desk for the occasional pencil sharpening, leaving the majority of the housework untouched.

"_That man is so helpless, I don't know how he's ever going to manage without me_," I said to myself. The kitchen didn't take long to square away, so I began cleaning the living room. I had the TV blaring in the background, not really paying attention to it, just needed something on because it felt too quiet. This old house creaks and groans more than I like. After doing the laundry and vacuuming I started dusting the furniture. I was half-way through when a name on the TV caught my attention, I didn't quite catch it though but it was strangely familiar.

"_The search goes on for a missing Seattle youth. More than three months have passed since an area teen was last seen walking around her neighborhood. She was en route to a nearby market but the store's surveillance video shows she never arrived. The Washington State Police say they are still searching and following leads in an attempt to bring this young lady home. West Seattle Police Chief Roger Harris is quoted in a recent news conference stating, 'We are open to any and all possibilities, nothing is being ruled out'_.

"Come on already, what's the name?" I said, getting frustrated.

"_On May 29, around 4 p.m., Bree Tanner, age 15, a recent freshman at West Seattle High School stated she was going for a walk. She was reported missing soon after when she failed to return. An Amber Alert was issued and volunteers have conducted widespread searches but have not yielded any findings. _

'_Searches have been ongoing for several weeks now,' stated Chief Harris. 'We have dragged the nearby ponds, used dog teams and the latest heat sensors via search helicopters for the possibility that she could be lost or hiding in the woods but the odds are against her at this point.'_

_When asked to elaborate, Harris stated, 'The first 48 hours is crucial. After that, the chances of finding the victim alive are slim and getting slimmer, especially in this climate. But sometimes missing persons are found, usually through the help of a tipster, as in someone who has seen the abductee/runaway. Anyone with any information is asked to call 555-784-7833 or the Crimestoppers line if you wish to remain anonymous.' _

_Chief Harris was asked, 'So you do suspect someone has taken Miss Tanner?' _

'_Runaways usually return on their own by now, we aren't ruling anything out but our current suspicion is 'yes,' someone took her against her will.' _

A school picture of Bree was then displayed on the screen and it took my breath away. I gasped as I saw her and realized this was in fact the same 'Bree.' I felt the rag I had been holding land on my foot and lowered myself onto the sofa. This little girl was exquisite. Nothing at all like the tortured soul in the meadow. This Bree had the whole world in front of her, she was full of life. This Bree had perfectly coiffed, medium-length dark hair, slight dark complexion and striking brown eyes. She had just a tiny bit of makeup on but she clearly didn't need it. The shock I was feeling was intense.

They then switched over to an interview with her parents; the look on their faces was of both weariness, _and hope_. When they begged the kidnappers to please return their daughter, I couldn't watch any more. Seeing the mom's anguished face was too much. She was so clearly torn, so clearly at odds with herself for she knew, she had to know, what the chances were of Bree coming back, but she held out for hope anyway. She would never stop hoping. It was heart wrenching.

This woman could be my mom. Mom and dad would never give up looking for me. Even months, years after I disappear they would never stop. I began to breathe hard. It was so surreal. I ached for them all. The newscast was finally over so I decided to make my way to my room, but as I was passing dad's desk I noticed something else that nearly sent me into a tailspin. Poking out of the top few layers of the stack of papers were the letters, "M-I-S". A chill went through my body. This could have been anybody's, but I knew it the moment I saw it. I had seen this before. I pulled it out and my fears were confirmed. It read in large, oversized bolded letters:

"**M-I-S-S-I-N-G**"

Bree Tanner

D.O.B: April 16, 1995

Sex: Female

Race: White/Asian

Hair: Brown/Black

Eyes: Brown

Height: 5'2"

Weight: 105

Missing From: Fairmount Park

"_Bree was last seen walking in her neighborhood. If you have any information please call the West Seattle Police Department at 555-784-7833." _

The pictures on this flyer made it all the more real for me. One was the school picture I'd seen on TV and the other was of a casually dressed Bree holding her cat, laughing. Here in my hands was the _real_ Bree Tanner. The feeling was indescribable, it was as if I was looking at her grave. She was a real person, at least she had been. Not a figment of my imagination, not just a dream. I had never really thought of her as anything other than that _thing_ that was in the forest that night. In my memory she was horrible, I guess my mind couldn't think of her in any other way. But she was just a kid, she was just a normal kid doing normal things, in the wrong place at the wrong time. She'll never see her family or friends again and what's worse her family and friends will never know what happened to her. So many realizations were hitting me so hard and so fast my head felt heavy from the overload. I had to sit down again.

I felt horrible for so many reasons. How could I have been so blind, how could I have been so stupid? This was the flyer! Her flyers were amongst the ones up on the Seattle Airport's windows. I had seen them clear as day but completely overlooked them. I'm quite sure now I would have probably recognized her if I had just taken the time to look. Come to think of it… I _had_ turned around but Edward_…_ I was remembering it now. I was buttoning up my jacket, about to look up when Edward spun me around and hurried me to the car. He was facing the posters to do this, he had to have seen them. I was shaking my head.

The more things started to make sense, the more it didn't. The thing he was holding back about my dad... I asked about it and he said it was nothing. He lied to me. Even if he didn't know about it then, when we got to the house dad had just been looking at her posters when we arrived. It was still fresh in his mind, Edward would have seen that! All this time, he's never once said anything. Why would he keep this from me? My feelings shifted from grief to anger, and then suspicion, over and over again.

The room was getting stuffy all of a sudden. I had to get out of the house and go for a walk. It was sunny today for a change but I didn't care, I didn't even notice.

I must have walked for miles and the fresh air did me some good. I looked up in time to see that I was fairly close to Angela's house. I suddenly felt like I had just been saved. Angela's always been a good friend. After Sam and Emily's wedding, I made good on my promise to Edward to be a better friend to my friends here. We have been hanging out more and since the news of my non-wedding broke we've been on the phone nonstop. I think she feels guilty. She says she wishes she had been there for me more because I apparently was going through so much stuff and she felt bad that I was going through it alone. We've since made amends and I let her know that under no circumstances did I blame her. It was my fault, I take full responsibility for how I was distancing myself. Angela's a Godsend.

I quickly ran the rest of the way there. "_Please be home, please be home, please be home_," I prayed under my breath.

"Bella! Oh my gosh, I didn't hear you come up." The look of surprise was apparent. She poked her head out looking behind me.

"Oh yeah, I uh, I went for a walk. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course. Uh, since when do _you_ walk?"

I chuckled. "Since I couldn't stand being in my house one more second."

"What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

In my hurry to leave I left my jacket behind. She saw me shivering and offered me some tea. Once I got warm we were able to talk comfortably.

Seated in the living room I looked around me. All around the living area were clothes and boxes of this and that. "So what's all this?" I asked. I was holding up a neatly pressed shirt.

"Oh, my mom and I went through my closet and found a bunch of clothes and stuff I wasn't using. So we decided to sort it all out and give it to some charity, then the day after next we'll hit Port Angeles and do some college clothes shopping. We're gonna make a day of it."

So this is what it's like to be a normal girl with normal everyday problems, when the only thing to worry about is if something fits.

"Well I'm sorry I barged in. I should leave you to it then."

"Bella, what's wrong? You seem, weird. Weirder than normal anyway," there was humor in her eyes as she threw a pair of socks at me for me to fold.

I began helping her. "That bad huh?"

"Kinda. I'll listen if you want to talk? Is it Edward?"

"Yeah. I can't really say exactly, specifically, what's wrong but I can try and give you a rundown. Maybe you can tell me if I'm overreacting or not."

"Sure. Lay it on me."

Fortunately for me Angela is easy to talk to. She never pulls any more information from me than I'm willing to provide. I went over everything as best I could but again without giving any real details it just sounds petty. At least that's what I thought.

"Wow. I can't believe he did that? Why would he continue to keep things from you?"

"I don't know. I mean, Edward's always trying to protect me you know. At first it was sweet. But now, it just seems like he's taking over my choices. It's like, he can't trust how I'll react to something so he colors it, or just straight up lies about it. It's getting to where I'm questioning the least little thing."

This next sentence got stuck in my throat, "I don't, trust his judgment, not like I did. I want to believe him, I want to trust him but how can I when he constantly keeps stuff from me?" My eyes began to tear and I grew hoarse. I felt embarrassed, I don't think I've ever cried in front of her before.

Angela gave me a hug, we aren't really huggy-feely kind of friends so it was awkward at first but it still felt nice. She was quiet as she patted my back. After a while she asked, "Have you talked to him yet?"

"No. I already know what he'll say, it's always the same, '_I was trying to protect you_.' I am not a child, Angie. He just can't keep doing this. We're about to head off to school in the next week or so and already everything's been turned upside down! Nothing's happened this summer like we planned. What's next Angie, what else can possibly go wrong?"

"Oh my gosh don't say that! That's like the worst jinx ever, Bella, and you just_ put it out there_, in the universe!"

"Oh please, I'm not scared of fate. Whatever's gonna happen can just go right ahead and happen. I don't care anymore." _I then began yelling at some unseen force around me_, "Did you hear that? I don't care!"

Angela rolled her eyes. "Oh Bella, so dramatic. You really should have tried out for drama club." We both laughed and it was the relief I was looking for. For the next couple of hours we sorted clothes, swapped stories and talked about anything and everything else. I had managed to put some of the sadness behind me, at least for a little while. I knew Edward would be worried, but I honestly didn't care. Since he's taken it upon himself to worry about everything for me, what's one more thing?

Sure enough, as we were nearing the end of our visit the phone rang. Angela motioned to me as she answered it, "It's Edward," she whispered.

I exhaled sharply. I didn't feel like talking to him yet but I figured I might as well and get the show on the road.

"Where have you been? Have you been at Angela's this whole time? You didn't leave a note or anything. Alice said... I was worried is all."

"Why were you worried? I'm perfectly capable of going here and there without the benefit of a police escort."

"Bella. Are you put out with me? What did I do now?"

"It's what you didn't do. I can't discuss it now."

"I'll be right there. Don't move." That last request was more of an order and I was tempted to leave just to spite him, but I knew that was childish. And it would hardly help things.

"Okay." Time to clear things up.

Once I was in his car we sped toward my house but I wanted some privacy, so we went out along the highway and pulled into a rest area.

I needed to know, even if I lost my temper, even if I hated his answers, I needed to know.

I didn't give any warning of what was to come. It just spilled out. "Edward. How long have you known about the flyers and the news reports for Bree Tanner?" It came out as more accusatory than I expected.

The look on his face was of total shock but he recovered. "Uh, for a while now."

"Why would you keep something like that from me? Those poor people. And how? Dad has the flyers, I haven't seen any around town."

"I know. My family and I take them down as soon as we see one."

"You what?"

"We have to, Bella. There are several other flyers from several other missing persons, too, that we keep regular track of. They're all from Victoria's horde."

"But why Edward? Explain this to me, please," I said, gritting my teeth. I was on the edge of completely losing my temper.

"Several reasons. _We_ know what happened to them. They died in the meadow, well technically they died in Seattle but that's not important. There's no chance of any of them ever being found. There's no chance Bree's parents will ever get her back. We couldn't save them, or her. So there's no point in keeping all these flyers up. It would cause a stir for nothing. And, I was worried what your reaction would be to seeing them. Even with all our efforts to keep them from you, you still must have seen them. You've been dreaming about her."

Hearing this threw me. I looked out the window and it was as if I was back in the dream again. The girl crouching in the darkness, so small, so meek. Was I really dreaming of Bree, or was Bree supposed to represent me? A psychologist would have a field day with that one.

Some of his reasons for the secrecy was reasonable, even commendable, but it just reminded me of what was really bothering me.

"You couldn't tell me? Edward, for what possible reason do you have for not telling me? Protecting me? Edward, I-am-not-a-child. You cannot protect me from every little thing. I am not so fragile that I'll break if I get bad news. It really hurts knowing that you can't trust me, that you can't trust how I'll react." As I finished I realized something else.

"Wait, why the sudden push to protect me? Did Alice see something? What does she see?"

He clinched his jaw. "Wow, you're really getting good at this. Maybe your vampire powers would have been a type of telepathy or something. I guess the old saying is true after all, 'Be careful what you wish for…'"

The look of shock spread over my face as the words slowly seeped in. Did he say, "_Would have been"_?

"Edward?"

"Alice doesn't see you as a vampire anymore."

"What? How could…? That's absurd."

"Is it? Do you want to be a vampire, Bella?"

I was about to answer "yes" but nothing came out. No one was more shocked than me.

Too many things were going through my head. What was the answer?

"I need to hear it," he said.

After what seemed like an eternity, with the image of Bree's pretty face in my mind I finally spoke, "No. Not anymore. Not after what I've seen. It's just not what I thought, it's not as simple as I thought it would be. I don't know what I thought really. All I know, all I can think about are Bree's pictures and the face of her mom on the TV pleading. I can't do it, Edward. I can't let mom and dad go through that. Even if we faked our deaths, they'd never…I..."

I broke down into Edward's arms.

He held me as I cried it out. Is this the end? Have we gone as far as we can go? I wish I were brave. I wish I could find a way to keep the people I love in my life. Why is this so hard? Why is it always either/or for me?

"Bella, just so you know, you being turned into a vampire was never a deal breaker for me one way or the other. I only went along with it because you wanted it so badly. You were so single-minded about it, I just knew you could at any time go behind my back to Carlisle, or even Alice. I was desperate. I asked you to marry me as a stalling tactic. Imagine my surprise when you said yes!" he chuckled. "I do want to marry you, very much so, but a part of me always thought if I could hold you off a few more years maybe you'd realize that, that just being with me was enough.

"But I have to admit, there was another part of me that does want you to be turned for reasons that are all selfish. But the price… I don't know about you, but I can't afford to pay that price. The price is Charlie and Renee, your friends, the pack…Jacob. You're already paying too heavy a price as it is."

The tears flowed. Hearing Edward speak so softly and earnestly about those I love made me yearn for them more. Is it possible I can have Edward and everyone else, too? Is that what he's saying?

"This isn't the first time you've felt so strongly about vampires. Remember Italy?"

I struggled to remember anything about that trip, it was all a blur.

"You were appalled that a human would want to be a part of my world. I told you the girl, Gianna, stays because they've promised to turn her and you said, _and I quote_, 'How can she want that? How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of _that_?' I'll never forget that. It was the first and only time you've ever made sense. It was a rational response to my kind. Until now that is," he smiled.

I remembered now. The old woman with the rosary will always stay with me.

"Edward, you said, 'Be careful what you wish for,' what did you mean by that?"

I heard him smile. "It's just that life never ceases to amaze me. All this time I've been hoping and praying you'd change your mind. Now that it's happened, I'm worried."

"About?"

"The Volturi. Even though I hated the idea of you being changed, at least you'd no longer be a target for them. But we're constantly watching them, Bella. Now that things have changed, it'll be even more so. It's not impossible, but we'll do everything we can to keep you safe."

I tried to be calm. "The Volturi. How long do you think we have, until they come for me?"

He tightened his grip around me. "It really is hard to say. It'll be a last minute decision, sort of offhanded really. They're not even thinking about it right now. They place the importance of coming to find you as very low, they have other more pressing things to keep them busy; it could be 5 years, it could be 20. It's all the same to them. Quite frankly, they figure I or one of the family will accidentally kill you before they ever get around to it."

"Thank you for being so candid, I wish you could be that way more often. I hate it when you keep things from me."

"I'll try my love. In fact..."

"What?"

"I wasn't planning on saying anything until after we left for school, but I see how my omissions affect you no matter my intentions." I didn't like the sound of this.

"Bella, when you took off earlier I panicked, I didn't know what to think. I called around and no one knew anything, so I called Billy."

I'm sure my face said it all.

"Billy informed me of some news regarding Jacob. You're not going to like it."

I held my breath.

* * *

*****A/N*****I told you it was long lol. I probably could have split it but I wanted it as one chap. just cuz it's the 13th chapter and it's Halloween, at least for a little bit more. The next chapter won't be nearly as long I assure you, and it will be Jacob's POV. As I said above, I've never read the Bree Tanner book, maybe someday. Bella's awakening nearly killed me so I'm looking forward to this next chapter. It won't exactly be light and fluffy but it should hopefully be rewarding. Thanks for reading.

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_V__isit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www. facebook pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm Remove The Spaces! _


	14. Unchained

**A/N**: _There seems to be a little teeny tiny misunderstanding regarding the cliffhanger in my last chapter. I didn't mean for it to be confusing. You all know exactly the news regarding Jacob, Bella's only just now hearing about it. *Hint hint* Leis, palm trees, etc. Sorry for any confusion. I'll take it that you were so "enraptured" with the story that you got carried away. It happens to the best of us ;D...I also suggest that you look at my profile for an explanation of my philosophy regarding this story where I also discuss a recurring theme I've observed in my reviews and PM's and such. There's also a shout out to Waning Moon's readers. You can read it either before or after this chapter, it shouldn't affect it either way. Cheers! xoxoxoxoxox_

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**Unchained**

"Would you quit worrying already, you're making me nervous!" said a very agitated voice.

"Well you didn't have to volunteer you know. I could have taken a bus or something, or one of the guys could have driven me!"

Leah was gripping the steering wheel with both hands now making me nervous. I couldn't help but think, _Please don't kill my car, please don't kill my car_.

"I have my reasons, now be quiet," she said.

_Figures_. I should have known there was something behind her sudden burst of helpfulness.

It was the longest car ride of my life, and I don't mean distance. Why can't Seattle be closer? Or Hawaii for that matter. I knew it was a bad idea to let her drive me. I just tried to tune her out.

It was my first plane trip and I was doing it alone. I was a little nervous and wanted to focus on what was in front of me but Leah's predictably surly attitude made it difficult to concentrate.

But several members of the tribe including Sue have flown before and they all offered some good advice. Unfortunately, it was almost all conflicting advice, but I weeded out some of the more exaggerated ones and read some forums online at the library. I felt ready. So why was my stomach in knots?

There was a lot to worry about these last couple of days and even more things to do but somehow we managed it. We got all of my junk packed and ready per the airlines' specs ( _Man they're picky bastards_!). At first dad was suspicious why I was packing so much stuff considering it was just a visit. But I said "just in case I had a situation or two of phasing", although in my mind I couldn't imagine a situation there in which I would use it. But he seemed fine with that explanation, or maybe he was just going along with it. That was really the closest it came to my cover being blown.

I wanted to take off before today but Sue kept waiting and waiting. I don't know what she was waiting for, she never said. Just kept saying there was a hold up of some kind. I really didn't want to be reminded of this day in any possible way. August 13, the day of Bella's almost-wedding. Great.

Driving to Seattle gave me a lot of time to think, too. I naturally thought of that and many things. Why didn't she go through with it? I know what I'm hoping the answer is. The entire pack has been in a buzz about it. I was glad I stopped changing a few weeks ago; everyone asking me and each other in my head what was going on, and me not having any answers… talk about torture. Does canceling the wedding mean she changed her mind about being turned? The tribe asked me once already to ask her but I flat out refused and told them to handle it themselves, since that's what they'd be doing anyway when I'm gone. I didn't want to be the goodwill ambassador anymore. It was really Sue that asked, I hated telling her no but it was out of the question. Why would she ask me to talk to Bella now knowing how I feel? Women will just never make any sense to me.

As far as I'm concerned nothing's changed. Bella still could get married whether she's changed or not and she still could be changed whether she's married or not. People change their minds right? _All the time_! Women especially it seems. Either way I'm out of it! Everybody can just go to hell for all I care!

Breathing hard I stopped myself before I got too upset. I had never phased in a car before but I was pretty sure that wouldn't be a good thing, especially in my Rabbit.

I chastised myself for bringing up such bad feelings and memories. I had plenty on my mind already.

Also, I am going to be with my annoying sister and her burly husband who worships her. If I get on her nerves all she'd have to do is say, "sic em" and then it would be on.

But I liked Kimo. He was a good guy and a good husband to Rebecca, who can be a handful. I'm pretty sure he didn't know what he was getting into. I warned him.

Tonight, Kimo and Becca will greet me at the airport and it all starts there. I still haven't told anyone what my real plans are, to stay indefinitely that is. I don't think I'll get underfoot. Becca's going into the RN program so she's hardly around, Kimo is in charge of the family business, when he's not doing all of his surfing tournaments. Sometimes he wins, sometimes he doesn't, there's nothing hardcore about Kimo, he's as laid back as you can get.

It was a long trip to Seattle by car but I couldn't see a way to have Sue also pay for a charter from Forks, which would have cost more than the ticket to Hawaii.

So much waiting to be had still. Three hours to Seattle, two or so hours to get checked in and through security, with a 6-hour flight in the end, and that's if all goes well. It's going to be murder but believe it or not I was looking forward to it.

It was doing something, going forward. I mean hell, sideways was fine, too. I was doing something for me that didn't involve anyone else in the pack and also didn't involve moping around the house withering away. I was nervous and sad but beneath it all I felt, excited. The anticipation of what happens next was building and it felt good. Now if I can just _not_ think of anything negative for the next, oh say, 11 hours or so I'll be all right.

"God, I hate traffic! Why is it always when you're trying to get somewhere the slowest slow ass people always get in your way, ALWAYS!" Leah griped.

_Well that didn't last long_.

* * *

We somehow made it to the airport and it was already a long trip, _mostly because of the company I was keeping_.

Nothing about flying is user friendly. First we had to figure out where to park, then hop on a shuttle, then check the bags, then go here, then do that. We haven't even reached security yet. Yup, all the terrorists from Forks, WA will be disappointed to hear this. But I get it, it's procedure.

By the time we got done at the security checkpoint, I was even more nervous, and now irritated to boot.

After we checked in, Leah could have left but she didn't. She went through the whole process with me. She said she wanted to. She even offered to stay with me at the gate while I waited for the plane. _Yeah_, that's not weird at all.

She was surprisingly quiet through the whole process. She seemed to have something on her mind. I didn't ask because, _well_, then she would tell me, and who needs that? I had enough on my mind.

By the time we got to my gate I was actually tired, probably from the anxiety. But the flight was delayed so we had a long wait still.

"Ok Leah, thanks for taking me this far, I think I can handle it from here."

"Oh no, Little One, I'm hangin around. I'm going to make sure you don't wander off and get on the wrong plane like that dingy kid from Home Alone."

"But Leah, we're here. That's the gate right there. We've already checked in, what else is there to do except wait?"

"Well, I'll wait with you then."

"Why?"

"Maybe because I want to, stupid. Is that all right with you?"

"_Yeah, right_, because the last few hours have just been SOOO much fun, huh? What's going on, Leah?"

She looked out the window at the taxiing planes. A different kind of hardness shrouded her face.

"I need to get out, Jacob."

"So go."

She rolled her eyes, "_No_, I mean, out of the pack. I need to get out of the pack."

Understanding what this was probably about I averted my eyes. This has been a long time in coming.

"Why are you telling me? Sam's the one you should be talking to." Since when has she been shy?

She bit her lip and looked out the window again. Another very different layer of emotion covered her face. In one brief second the hardness that was there disappeared and she reminded me of someone else. I suddenly didn't feel quite as hostile towards her after that.

"I can't, he'd just say no, you know him. Do you know he even said something about keeping me near the reservation in case the tribe needed me, and to keep an eye on me?" She laughed at the gall he would have to suggest that she can't control herself. It was all I could do to not laugh.

"Well you have to admit, you are kind of a loose cannon."

"Whatever. The point is I have to get out of here, Jake. It's important. You know I wouldn't ask you if I wasn't desperate."

"Leah, I'm not the Alpha, Sam is. Even if I wanted to…"

"That's bullshit Jake, you and I both know that's bullshit!" She managed to keep her tone down somewhat but her words came out loud and clear. I looked around and people were shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

"Leah, you don't know what you're asking," I said through clenched teeth. "You're going against Sam's direct orders. This would be viewed as, well, mutiny, a desertion. Even if I could let you out, you could never be allowed back in, no matter the circumstances. Is that what you want?"

"I don't care anymore, Jake. What I want is to have my own life back, _my_ life." She actually looked sad now, and what surprised me was how sorry I was for her. I knew it was hard for her, it was hard for all of us.

"Leah, I don't know."

"Jake. Okay, I understand why he's keeping me around. I know he cares for me…"

"He loves you, Leah. He does, I've felt it. It's different than before, but he does love you."

That was the exact wrong thing to say. Any resolve or strength she had to hold herself together was gone. I've never seen it before and hoped to never see it again…_Leah crying_.

I _really_ felt bad now. I don't know what possessed me to say that, I don't know if it hurts or helps to know such things. I was reminded of when Bella visited me after I was hurt. She finally admitted her feelings and how she had thought of having a future with me. That hurt like hell I have to admit, but at the same time a part of me was glad to hear it. It at least confirmed what I already knew and let me know that it wasn't just in my head, I really was that important to her…Am… _Was_.

Leah bent her head down to hide her crying. I moved next to her and awkwardly patted her back. People were looking at me harshly now.

I was really uncomfortable. "Leah," I whispered, "are you about done because I think people probably think I'm abusing you or something." Her muffled crying didn't show signs of stopping.

_"Leah, don't make me hurt you!_" I whispered again.

She laughed.

She was wiping her face, "You know, I probably wouldn't mind being in the pack if things were better between us. Me and Sam I mean. I-I don't think it's getting better, Jacob. In fact…"

"I know, you're not over him yet."

She put her head down at that. "Do you know how hard it is for me to hide my thoughts, to guard my reactions, to calm my damn heart beat every time I even hear his voice?"

"Hide your thoughts? When have you _ever_ hid your thoughts?"

She smiled coyly, "Oh Jacob, I'm a woman. Believe me, you guys didn't hear one thought I didn't want you all to hear. And that's not even half of it." She cocked her eyebrows.

"_Damn_!" I said blinking my eyes.

"Yeah. And yes, I know I've been a shit."

"No argument there."

"I'm tired of being this way, man," she said ignoring me. "I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being, _this_!"

She wasn't specific about what "this" was, but I think I knew what she meant.

"Leah, I can't release you, if I assume an alpha position and override Sam's orders I'm challenging Sam."

"Jacob, just hear me out. Everyone knows you're the true alpha. The only reason Sam's in charge at all is because you keep refusing it but that doesn't actually _change_ anything. It's not just a title, you can't just give it up! It's who you are, who you're born to be. Sam was first, so naturally he'd be in command of the pack first, _until a suitable alpha takes over_. If you hadn't changed, everything would have stayed as it was, but once _you_ changed the entire hierarchy of the pack changed, too. The only reason we follow Sam's orders now is because You've told us to. Maybe not literally but in your own way.

"Jacob, when you leave, you leave Sam in charge. I'll _Have_ to follow his orders. I know Sam's worried about me, I know why he's so concerned but really I'm fine, I swear it. I can't convince him of that. But you believe me right?"

As she looked straight into my eyes I wasn't sure what to believe. For all these months I've only seen one side of Leah. But looking at her now reminded me how I'd completely forgotten there had ever been anything else. She used to be a beautiful person, full of life and spirit. An artist, with talent flowing through every pore. She mastered every medium she got her hands on but she had a particular love of sketching. It wasn't just what she did, it was who she was. And every so often when her guard was down I would see her look at something ordinary and in her mind's eye, through the pack eye - I see what she sees. And it's amazing! She sees beauty in things most people overlook, even now; until she realizes someone is watching her and then she turns it off again and the tough Leah's back. I haven't seen the real Leah in a really long time. She was right, pack life was smothering the art right out of her.

"I've been accepted at PNCA, Jake. I'd really, really like to go. Even if I left with Sam's permission he could call me back at any time, for any thing. I'll never really be free. I just can't keep doing this. It's killing me, Jake!" Then Leah took my hand in both of hers and held on tight. "_Please_!"

I went over everything she explained, and all the possibilities that came with it. Knowing what I had to do and what I should do in my head didn't help me one lick. So, knowing that I went 100% with my gut…

"I release you."

As soon as I spoke the words, her eyes closed and she seemed to swoon. I reached for her to keep her from falling and touched her face, holding her head up. I was glad she was already sitting down. Then she took a deep breath, and then another. It was as if she was taking her first breaths of life, the first in a long time; as if an invisible load or a binding had been lifted off of her.

Then the most amazing thing happened...if I hadn't seen it for myself I probably wouldn't have believed it.

_Leah laughed_.

* * *

**A/N**: I was originally going to make this one chapter but I decided maybe you all would rather read what I've got now as opposed to waiting. So although it's shorter than expected, the other half of this will come along very soon, probably within a week. I just want to make sure I've got it right where I want it. Too, I thought it would be good to leave a chapter on a good note for a change.

I modeled Leah's innate love and ability for art after my daughter who's exceptionally talented. Her ability to see things beyond what the rest of us see amazed me when she was a toddler and it thrills me now to know that she wants to continue her art and attend art school after high school. She's a sophomore so she's still got a long way to go but she's committed and God knows she's got the talent. Her art and love of life inspire me everyday.

* * *

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this._


	15. Points of View

*_**A/N*** Well guess what - X-mas is steadily approaching and I haven't gone shopping yet. Oh well, that can wait. Back to J&B and more important things. It's now two or so days after Edward broke the news of Jake's leaving. Jake and Leah have a heart-to-heart at the airport and everything is staying on course, for now. M____usic influences me deeply. The song I was listening to, which in effect inspired my last few chapters was "Never Say Never" by The Fray. I always think of this song when I think of Bella and Jacob, especially at the end of this chapter. You'll see why. Check it out on youtube or at 8378633._

* * *

**Points Of View**

(_Bella_)

Driving myself to work was nice, it gave me time to think. People here would probably never know it, but I was quite the loner in Phoenix. Not really on purpose, it just always seemed to work out that way. A lot's changed. I'm not really good at being alone anymore. These years in Forks has afforded me all the love, comfort and familiarity I could have ever wanted, and didn't know I was missing. So much so I hardly ever even thought of Arizona anymore.

But these last couple of days I've felt so alone, and I'm not sure why. Edward is still here, he still loves me and still wants me. And while I'm happy about that, I still don't feel like myself. Is it any wonder? These last couple of years has been a helluva ride, as is typical for my life now.

It being a nice sunny day I rolled down the window of my truck as I made my way through town to work, opening it just enough to get some fresh air and let the wind glide across my hand. I liked this feeling, the feeling of the wind rushing past me, the sound it makes as its moving through my hair and against my shirt. The roar of the engine loud and strong, so much like when…

_"Damn!"_ I cursed myself for the memory it evoked. I realized I was going head-long into a memory of riding my bike with Jake. Cursing the window of all things, I rolled it up as quick as possible.

He doesn't come up in every thought I have but when it happens it's like getting sucker punched in the stomach. I don't even realize I'm doing it until I'm halfway in it. Feeling regret for how things have turned out, I tried to console myself with the fact that Jake and I are on different courses now. I knew Sue had offered him a trip to Hawaii, he'd be crazy to turn it down but I just didn't expect him to actually consider it. When did he decide this? I didn't even know he could do that, what with pack business and his duties to the tribe, etc. He's only 17, he's got no business just taking off like that! And how can Billy just let him go? Jacob's probably not in the best position to make these kinds of choices. I know its just for a visit but still. I know Jacob; something about this seemed off. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I'm being stupid, I know this, but I couldn't help feeling hurt by the exclusion. Billy told Edward that Jacob would be gone until he felt better. Well when is that gonna be? A week? A month? A year? If Edward hadn't called over there looking for me a couple of days ago would Billy or Jacob even have called me? Didn't anyone think I might want to know that Jacob was leaving?

He was gone for _weeks_ last time. I know these people, they don't just "get over" things, they tend to hang onto them _for-a-really-long-time_.

_Until he felt better_. Great. I mean, I'm all for feeling better but why did this give me a really bad feeling? I haven't been able to shake it since Edward told me that day we fought about the Bree girl. But Edward said Billy told him it was just a visit, so I should believe Billy, but I didn't react well to the news. As soon as the words came out of Edward's mouth something in me just went crazy. I went completely on instinct and insisted I go to the reservation but Edward refused to take me.

I told him to take me back to my house then so I could drive my truck but he took my keys away. He said I was too emotional to go anywhere. I was furious with him and got out of the car and started walking back. Even though it was miles and miles away I didn't care. I'd hitch if I had to.

He swung the car around and blocked my way and we ended up having our biggest fight ever, right there alongside the highway. This was right after we _just made up_.

The situation was hard for both of us, I couldn't be sure of _his_ motives anymore than he was sure of _mine_. Frankly, I don't know what I would have said to Jacob if Edward had let me go. Maybe try to talk some sense into him but who am I to say anything? He's made no attempts to contact me for weeks. It was clear to me that he's putting as much distance between us as possible and maybe he's right.

Edward and I eventually did make up, but not before he pulled out a poor sapling or two. I mean, hey, if that's what he needs to do to vent, so be it. Washington's full of trees.

For the last couple of days everybody's been doing things as if nothing happened. I worked, Edward hunted, Charlie watched his sports, and Alice chatted my ear off as she sat on the counter watching me cook. Yep, everything was perfectly normal and serene.

_So why wasn't I happy_?

Not that I'm _unhappy_ just a little―off. Well, it IS August 13, the day of our almost wedding, maybe that was it. Edward made a point of going hunting today, he wouldn't be back for at least another day. I guess I don't blame him. I'm just going through the motions myself as if stunned. I wasn't the only one dealing with my new situation. As it turns out Alice was really worried about me. First the wedding, then my change of heart about being turned, and now this business with Jake. I could tell she had a lot of things on her mind. There would be times when I'd wonder why she got so quiet and there she'd be, staring into nothing, _not blinking_. Alice did this a lot now, probably more than I've ever seen her do. She was looking into my future about every 5, maybe 10 minutes. "It's just a precaution," she would say. But I knew Edward was having her keep an eye on me, again.

After thinking about it, I realized Edward was right about one thing. Jake and I have said our goodbyes, he's doing his own thing and I'm doing mine. It would be cruel to drag it on. We've said all we had to say. I don't know if it was enough, but it would have to be. It's done and over with, time to move on. And maybe just maybe, if I keep telling myself this enough times, I'll actually start believing it.

I walked into the store to find Mike and Lauren getting way too friendly for a family-oriented sporting goods store. She was on the counter with her legs wrapped around him and he was nuzzling into her neck and shirt. Between kisses she was laughing and throwing her head back obviously trying to get the attention of anyone nearby, really putting on a show. I guess it was force of habit because no one was in there yet. I wondered what in the world Lauren Mallory would do if she didn't have an audience. Shrivel up and die? _One can hope_.

Truth be told I'd never seen her so happy or Mike either. He was practically purring these days. They were oblivious to my being there, until the sensor chimed causing them to jump.

"Oh, Bella! Um, we didn't hear you walk in," Mike said as he jumped away from Lauren. He was being careful to pull as much of his smock down over the front of him as he could. I suddenly regretted seeing what he was hiding.

_Ewww._ It was hard, I mean difficult to even think of Mike like, a guy. Like a real one with real hormones and stuff.

"I see that," and smiled a meek but knowing smile at them. Lauren was too busy adjusting herself to join in.

I looked around the store and it was dead. "Where is everyone? I thought summers were always busy."

"Well it is usually, during the summer. School starts this week remember," he said.

"Oh yeah. I guess the time just got away from me. So I guess you won't be needing me much today huh?"

"Probably not, it might pick up later but it's nothing me and mom can't handle." Lauren continued to hover and practically groped the poor guy right in front of me, staking her claim no doubt.

"So, Bella," Lauren asked mischievously, "now that you and Edward aren't getting hitched anymore does that mean that you and um―_oh what's his name―_Jacob are going out?"

_What?_ _Damn her. She's got a lot of nerve!_

"No! Why would you think that?"

She shrugged, "Oh I don't know, maybe because-"

"Sshhhhh!" Mike shushed her before she could get herself, and him in trouble.

"No, Mike it's okay. I want to hear what she has to say." I didn't _really_ want to hear _anything_ she had to say, but I didn't want to let a stain like Lauren think she got to me.

Mike shot her a look but she ignored him. "Oh, it's no big deal, it's just I've noticed that you can't seem to function unless there's some guy holding you up, that's all. I mean first it was Edward, then Jacob, then Edward again. I figured Jacob's turn was coming up just any time."

I was mortified and livid, and shocked, mostly shocked. What gall! I could actually feel every part of my face and body light up like a Christmas tree. I'd burst into tears, or flames, if I thought it would help but I knew she'd really get a kick out of that. How long had she been holding onto this? I should have known Lauren wouldn't change, why should she?

I was just too stunned, I couldn't think of a comeback, I couldn't think of anything. A year seemed to pass yet it had only been a few seconds. Mike looked extremely embarrassed, too, as Lauren looked on triumphantly.

As embarrassed as I was for myself, seeing Mike's embarrassment really ticked me off. She was obviously loving the fact that this was his family's business, my employer, and the fact that she was dating him must have made her feel untouchable. Mike's never been anything but sweet to her. Seeing her take advantage of the situation shook me out of my daze.

"Wow, Lauren," I said. "That was really below the belt, even for you."

Her smile disappeared somewhat but she held firm.

I continued, "High school is over or didn't they tell you? _You, did graduate_ _didn't you_?"

All traces of her smile were gone now, replaced with confusion and disgust.

"Of course I graduated, you…I was there with everyone else, Bella. I even went to the after-party at the Cullens!" she said defiantly.

"Really? Huh? That's funny, I don't remember seeing you at either one actually. It's no wonder though. Inconsequential things usually go unnoticed." The look on her face was priceless.

"Are you going to let her talk to me like that?" she squawked at Mike.

"Oh _now_ you want me to talk? Sorry, I don't work that way, babe." The safe harbor she had been counting on let her down.

She looked just as hurt as she was shocked.

Mike sensing this tried to defuse the situation, "Okay ladies let's just stop bef…"

But before Mike could even get another syllable in, Lauren huffed off in a snit into the back room. She wasn't used to hearing me take up for myself, but no one was more shocked than me. _Where did that come from_? I guess nothing changes your perspective better than being chased by ravenous vampires. Next to them, Lauren's attack seemed totally lame.

Mike and I just stood there too stunned to say anything at first, although a small smile threatened to spread across my face.

"I'm sorry Mike, but she's been dying for some of that for a looong time," I explained.

"I know. I thought…Well anyway, I'm sorry, Bella. I don't know what got into her."

"No worries. I can handle Lauren," and I actually felt confident I could. Whispering now, "I do actually remember her at those things by the way, but don't tell her that. She just always wants to be the center of attention. She must have spent hours on her hair, makeup and dress, I knew THAT would be the thing to get her," I said smirking.

Mike laughed, I could tell he was relieved I wasn't going to blame him for Lauren's attitude. I was just glad to see he wasn't mad at me. With everything else happening in my life, I couldn't stand yet another person being upset with me.

Things settled down enough for Mike and I to talk a bit. Lauren stayed in her hole which was fine by me.

"So, what did ya do on your day off yesterday?" he asked.

"Nothing big, just hung around the house mostly, oh and packed, lots of things to do before we leave for school."

"Yeah tell me about it. Mom's been weepy for days. I don't know how she's going to handle me going off to school."

I giggled, "She'll be fine. Parents are weird. We drive them crazy, but then as soon as we're ready to leave they don't want us to go. They still think of us as little kids, I guess."

"Kids? Hell, mine calls me '_Baby'_ still."

I giggled.

"I'm serious, don't laugh, it's embarrassing. She only stopped doing it in public this last year! We were in the grocery store, Bella, the grocery store!" Imitating her voice, '_Oh Mike baby, can you get me some broccoli and lettuce please_?' Oh the horror!"

I was having a hard time breathing from laughing so hard. The mental image Mike gave me was just too precious. "I'm sorry to laugh at your pain but that's just too awesome!"

Still laughing, I accidentally bumped into the counter and heard a little tinkly sound behind me. I turned and saw a new display of jewelry on the display rack near the register. Some of the heavier items swayed slowly to a stop as I looked at them. They were beautiful, very intricate and extremely well-made. _Where did this come from_?

"What's this?"

He looked surprised. "Uh, we got some new inventory in so we're putting them up for sale today." He looked slightly confused now.

I continued to look at them with much interest. Beautifully made beaded earrings, chokers, bracelets. Some made with deer hide, some with sterling silver and other materials I wasn't familiar with.

"What's this made of?" I said pointing to the beige circular drop earrings. The disks were polished smooth and looked like pieces of wood at first but were too dense to be mere wood. They were adorned with green gems that looked like jade and on top of it nearest the earring hooks were freshwater pearls.

"Oh those, aren't they cool? They're caribou, antlers that is."

"Caribou? I didn't know there were caribou around here?"

"Mmm, not so much around here anymore, they're more up into Canadian areas now. Pretty cool huh?"

"Yeah."

"He really did a good job on them," he said.

"_He_ who?"

"Jacob Black, silly. These are all his, well I don't mean his-his. I mean, he made them. The bracelets are his dad's work, too, I think, but mostly Jacob's. Didn't you know?"

I guess the look on my face told him I didn't. I quickly looked back at the display. Hearing this made me see the pieces with new eyes. I should have recognized it. Even the animal carvings on the bracelets were made in the same style as the wolf charm on mine.

"I had no idea. I mean of course I knew he's made things before but nothing on this scale. This must have taken him weeks, maybe months!"

"At least that, you know, just by how much stuff there is. He's also got a display up in the cafe, and a couple of other shops. Tourists eat this stuff up." He then paused and noticed something, "Huh."

"What?"

"I just noticed your bracelet."

"Oh yeah, he made this, too."

"Yeah, I thought he might have, it looks a lot like the rest... but I was noticing that it's of a wolf."

"Yeah, so."

"Well look here," he said pointing to the display. "Not one wolf. Plenty of bears and moose and dreamcatchers and stuff. Funny thing is I asked him why there weren't any wolves, especially since there's not exactly a shortage around here, some really big ones, too, from what I hear."

I tried not to flinch at that remark. "Yeah and, what did he say?"

"He said he doesn't make wolves anymore, he doesn't like them. _Hey, what's wrong_?"

I must have looked how I felt. _He doesn't make wolves anymore, he doesn't like them._ So many thoughts and emotions went through my mind it was hard to focus on just one, I guess I mostly felt sad. Sad for Jacob, and his lot in life and how it's done nothing but hurt him. Jacob's such a good guy, all he's ever wanted in life is to live well, to love someone who's good to him and be there for him and his people. Why is that so hard? Why couldn't he have that?

"Oh it's nothing Mike, I just got some dust in my eye. We really should dust more often around here." Mike never calls me out on my sorry attempts at lying.

"You and Jacob were so buddy-buddy before, I just assumed you knew what he was up to."

"Jacob doesn't tell me _anything_ anymore."

Looking at the display more I was suddenly struck with questions.

"Wait, did you say he came in yesterday?"

"Yeah. He and his dad came in and did business with mom. She took one look at all of this and snatched them all up."

"Have the Blacks done business here before?"

"No, not that I know of. Not from what I overheard them say."

He paused but when he saw my interest he kept going. "Once mom and Mr. Black got all their business taken care of he went back to the car. Mom asked Jacob about any future orders and he said he was going to Hawaii and would need some extra money, as much as he could get."

Huh, well nothing suspicious about that, I guess. It's very practical actually. Hawaii is an expensive place, but Edward overheard Sue say all his expenses were taken care of. What does he need all this extra money for?

"Did he say how long he'd be gone?"

"Not exactly. Mom being all about business wanted to know when she could expect more inventory from him and he said it wouldn't be for a while. She asked if he could give her a call as soon as he got back, then she asked when that was and he said something weird, I couldn't understand what he said."

"What? What did he say?"

Mike paused trying to remember. "He said something like, 'When *_something something_* comes home, I will, too.' He thanked her and left."

I scrunched my forehead in confusion.

"Yeah, mom didn't seem to know what that meant either. It sounded Indian, like a name or a place maybe. I can't remember."

I tried to name off as many places and names as I could remember to jar Mike's memory and realized I know so very few words in Quileute. I was finally left with one. But it couldn't be that one. It just couldn't be.

"Is it - Taha Aki?"

The look of shock and realization hit Mike's face, "Yeah that's it! How in the world did you know that?"

_Oh no..._

* * *

I raced to the Cullens', really wishing I had gone ahead and let Edward buy me that cell phone he's been trying to get me. I finally reached the Cullens' house. Alice knowing my intentions met me in the driveway.

"You're crazy, Bella! You'll never get there in time."

"I have to try, Alice," I slammed my truck door. "Did you know he was leaving today? Did Edward?"

"Not that it matters but no, we didn't. We only knew what Billy told us and he didn't tell us that. You won't get there in time."

"You don't know that. You can't see him so how do you know I don't make it?"

"I just know okay. I can see you, remember. You get there too late and you come back feeling worse than when you left. _That_ I see."

_Damn_. "Alice, try to understand. We all know of Jacob's plans for Hawaii, but if it was all paid for like Edward said, Jacob wouldn't need all this other money. These aren't the plans of someone going on a short trip. He's leaving Alice, he's planning to leave forever."

"You don't know that!"

"Yes I do! I know Jacob! I know what's in his heart, what's in his nature to do." Thinking to myself now, _I just know Alice, please don't ask me how I know_. Tears were clouding my vision now. "He's not coming back. I can feel it. I can't let him do that, Alice. His tribe-"

"_His tribe_? You're worried about his tribe? That's noble of you."

Ignoring her sarcasm, "Yes, they need him."

"Bella, there's something you should know. We were going to tell you when Edward got back but... we're leaving. It's time. The 'Never-changing-Cullens' are arousing suspicion again and it's time to move on. Once all the Cullen kids go off to 'school', Dr. and Mrs. Cullen will suddenly get these amazing job offers overseas that they just can't pass up.

"So you see, Bella, once the vampires are gone the wolves can rest easy. We've seen what problems our continued presence causes the pack. Since we'll be gone the Volturi won't come snooping around anymore. That way if Jacob wants to live in Hawaii or on the moon or wherever, he can. It's _his_ choice. Bella, there's literally nothing for you to do, it's not your responsibility."

"He's doing this because of me Alice, I can feel it. I knew something was wrong, I just knew it! The Cullens leaving just convinces me more that he's making a big mistake and I'm not going to let him do that! Maybe if he knows we're all leaving then he won't feel like he has to."

"Bella, there's nothing you can do."

"No, Alice you're wrong! I won't accept that!"

I ran inside the house and immediately got on the phone. "Billy?"

"Uh, yes, is this Bella?"

"Yes. I was wanting to talk to Jacob."

"You're too late, Bella, _he's gone_. He left to visit his sister in Hawaii."

I wanted to scream and throw the phone.

Catching my breath, "He…He left already? When?"

"Leah drove him to Sea-Tac a few hours ago. They're probably there now. His plane will be leaving soon. Is something wrong Bella?"

_Is something wrong, are you freakin kidding me_?

"Uh, I uh, I don't know. I didn't know he was leaving today, no one told me. Does dad know?"

"Yes. I told him the last time he was up here for the game. Jake will be gone for a couple of weeks, maybe three. Charlie wished him a good trip and left. I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

"I am, too." The mental image of dad popped into my head, _I'll deal with you later old man_.

"What time's his flight?"

"3:05, I believe. Leah said she'd call me once his plane leaves. You sound funny, Bella. Are you sure you're all right?"

Lying through my teeth, "I'm fine. Tell Jacob to write me or something okay. I'll be leaving for school in a few days but dad can get them to me."

"Okay, I will. Take care."

Alice was standing next to me with her arms folded, "See."

Even more aggravated than before, I said, "Get me to Seattle, Alice. I don't care what you have to do or what laws you break, just get me there."

* * *

"This is completely insane, Bella! Futile. Ridiculous. It's no wonder you get along so well with my brother. Neither of you make any sense at all!"

"Never-mind that, when do we land?"

"In about 10 minutes. We're circling the runway now." The pilot then came on the overhead speaker and relayed everything Alice just said. Psychics are a wonderful thing.

Having friends with money is a good thing, too, and having friends with money _and_ connections who can pull in favors anytime they want is an even better thing...

"You owe me for this one, Bella. Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get you on this jet?"

"I do owe you one Alice, and I'm sure you'll never let me forget it."

In Forks, Alice's connections got us through security in record pace. We were in the air probably no longer than 20 minutes or so and landed in Sea-Tac with time to spare, but only just. If we hurry we can still reach Jacob before his plane takes off.

Another call to Billy let us know what Jake's flight number was. Poor Billy, he's probably so confused but I'll fill him in later. Alice and I looked at the flight schedule for Hawaii. You might know we'd have to land on the exact opposite side of the airport that Jake's plane is boarding. We tried our best to hurry without arousing suspicious airport security. The first announcement for Jacob's flight was being called out. They were boarding the plane. If we didn't hurry we were going to be too late.

We rounded the corner into the concourse where his gate was.

"I can't go any further Bella or Jake will smell me. I don't want to provoke him, we can't have any incidents here." She concentrated on something in front of us. "His gate is next to the last on the left." The concourse must have been nearly a football field length in size, but she saw it clearly.

"Thanks, Alice. I promise I won't do anything stupid, I'll be right back. I just can't leave it like this."

"I know you'll be back. _That's_ not the part that worries me."

I hugged her and tried to express my every thought and feeling into it.

I then hurried off making a beeline for Jake. I must have been halfway in when I caught sight of him. At 6'7" he stands out a bit, but he quickly went out of sight again. I picked up my speed. It would have made a difference, too, if I hadn't kept getting slowed down by the crowd. It seemed like several planes unloaded their passengers all at the same time. I'd get swept up into the crowd unable to get by, then manage to go a few feet just to be slowed down again. There was no rhyme or reason to it. The crowd finally let me through enough that I could see. At still about 100 feet away what I saw nearly sent me to the floor.

Jake was sitting next to Leah consoling her. He was bent over her whispering something in her ear making her smile. I just stood there watching this play out before me; I was planted to the floor unable to move. Something escaped my lips; what, I have no idea. Jake had his arm around Leah who was still very visibly upset. Then amazingly, just when I thought it couldn't be more horrible, it was. They were still thoroughly engrossed in their conversation when Leah grabbed both his hands holding them close to her in a way that looked really intimate. I was too far away to read their lips. All I could do was watch as they acted out their scene as if in a play. I felt like I was intruding on a very private moment. My sudden burst of jealousy and anger resolved into more complicated ones. I felt bad for them. Leah was obviously in pain and needing comfort, comfort from the one causing the pain probably. Jake was leaving her, too. There must have been an unspoken love I had never known existed, or maybe a new one. They do have tons more in common and when you look at them they look perfectly right together. Was I a fool to think he could never love another? I wanted to run away, but some part of me needed to see this. The mash up of emotions going through me continued to hold me and forced me to watch.

Jacob then said something to her and as her head turned away falling to the side Jacob moved in and held her face in his hands. I felt a sickness I'd never felt before. It was all I could do to not throw up. He continued to speak softly to her and she smiled. I don't remember ever seeing Leah smile, or laugh before, but now, here in Jacob's arms she did both. She's beautiful, utterly ravishing. I don't know where she's been hiding, but it's like I've never seen this Leah before. Of course Jacob wanted her, what man in his right mind wouldn't? Two people brought together through a shared sadness, it's the oldest story in the book and who am I to stop them or deprive them of this? Isn't this what I wanted for him?

Alice was right, I _was_ too late. Feeling like my presence here is completely unwarranted now I decided maybe Alice and everyone else was right about something else. Maybe I make too big a deal out of things and I should just butt out while I still have some pride left. _Jacob moved on_. Just saying these words even in the confines of my mind felt wrong but I forced myself anyway. Seeing all I cared to see and really not wanting to see them progress further I turned and almost ran all the way back to Alice. As I reached her I hugged her and she gave me a tight hug back, stroking my hair.

Alice whispering, "It would really save us a lot of time and trouble if you could just trust me next time. I hate seeing you like this."

Too stunned to cry or speak I just nodded my head. He doesn't need me anymore. Maybe he never did. Maybe I was just a crush, he seemed to have gotten over me fast enough. I just hope he's happy, I hope she makes him happy. I never could.

Alice and I walked that long walk back towards the gate to our return flight and back to my life, such as it is.

* * *

(_Jacob_)

"You alright?"

Leah continued to laugh, it was actually sort of eerie. She continued to laugh at absolutely nothing. I started laughing too just because seeing her make a fool of herself really was funny.

"I'm fine, doofus can't you tell? Thank you, Jacob! Thank you so much!" smiling huge with her eyes glassy.

"What does it feel like? You look and sound like someone left your cage door open."

She continued to giggle. "I feel like it actually! Oh my gosh it feels amazing! I can't explain it, it's like I can see again, feel again, it's like I'm looking at the sun and sky for the first time in forever!"

"Wow that really is amazing, especially since we're indoors."

"Oh shut up, you know what I mean. It's gone, that stuffy buzzy feeling I always felt in my head. That feeling of being attached to something holding you back. Like being inside a sleeping bag, all covered up. Even my voice felt muffled. Ever since I first phased I've felt this, whatever it is, holding me, pressing down around me and inside me at all times. Now I can't. It's just me. I don't feel that hold on me anymore, no more all consuming thoughts of the pack or Sam or anything that tied me to my _place_. I actually feel..._human_."

The sense of wonder and awe she had in her eyes was child-like, like someone seeing the ocean for the first time.

Seeing someone smile as a result of something I did felt good. I was glad to help her. She now could go to school at Pacific Northwest without any worries or complications. I just hoped she'd behave herself. It's on me if she doesn't.

"Well I'm glad to be of service. So where do you go from here?"

"Home. I don't know how Sam's going to take it but I've got some explaining to do. You will, too, by the way. You'd better call him as soon as you get to Rebecca's."

"I will, he needs to know I'm not challenging him. In fact I..."

"What?"

I almost spilled my own secret. "Nothing. I'll call him and take the heat, it'll be all right."

"Oh no, this was my idea, Little One. I've been avoiding talking to Sam about anything real for a long time. It's time I did. I finally feel like I can now. There's still some things we need to get resolved and if he hates me for doing an end-run around him, so be it." She then looked off into the distance.

"My feelings about him haven't changed by the way, it's just that now I feel like I can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel, for the first time."

"Awww, no more mopey, bitchy Leah? Shoot, I'm gonna miss her," I said, faking disappointment.

She gave a disgusted grunt and said, "Come here you!" and gave me a big bear hug. Giggling, "You have a safe trip okay, email me or something when you get a chance. And call your father, he'll never tell you this but he's worried about you!"

She released me, "I will," I said. They'd been calling my flight number for a while, but we couldn't ignore it anymore so I got in line with the rest. As she rounded the corner and out of sight the lady next to me said, "Your girlfriend's pretty."

For a second I had no clue what she was talking about, but then a sort of hissing, sputtering sound came out at the absurdity. "Oh, she's not my girlfriend, we're just friends." This seemed to satisfy her curiosity and I found myself feeling satisfied calling Leah that.

The very thought that Leah could be confused for my girlfriend was strange and a little gross. We pretty much grew up together and although she was kinda pretty and a fairly cool person when she wanted to be, I've known her too long.

As I was about to walk into the tunnel leading to the plane I got a whiff of something that made me turn completely around.

_"Bells_?"

I looked all around me and scanned every part of the concourse and every person in it, but there was nothing.

"Sir? This way sir." I was holding up the line. The flight attendant was smiling, urging me to go forward.

_Forward_... when what I really wanted to do was go back.

"Right."

I apparently boarded the plane and made my way to my seat, although I don't remember any of it. I must be losing it, I thought. But I could have sworn...

But what did it matter. The feeling I got just now when I smelled that smell only reminded me of why I was leaving, and why I can never come back. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, I wondered, _when the hell's this damn plane taking off?_

* * *

_***A/N:** I wrote a companion piece featuring Leah, about what happens after she leaves Jacob at the airport, so it's set right after what happens above. It's called, "Let Me Go." Here's the link: 2/7122245/1/Let_Me_Go. So if you'd prefer to read that before going on to chap. 16 you're more than welcome to although it doesn't really add to the story of Waning Moon, I just wrote it for the Leah Lovers who were wondering what happens to her after she left, so if you're curious, by all means - read and review. I love hearing from my readers! _

_*****__If I don't get another chapter out before the holidays, Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you! Stay safe and remember to give charity to those less fortunate than you. The best present you can give someone, is to give of yourself. Cheezy? Yes, but it also happens to be true.* _

Visit my Facebook page and "Like", or just say hi ! pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm.

* * *

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this._


	16. Time Flies…

_A/N: **It's t****hree years later**_**_…._**

…...

___..._**___Yep, you read that right, and no you didn't miss anything_**___._...

...

…**_j__ust l_**_**et that soak in for a minute**…...**wait for it**..._

…

_I skipped our characters and story forward in time three plus years. Why? Because I can I guess. Why three years specifically? I don't know; why not two, why not 10? Three just seemed like a nice round number, plenty of time for our beloved J & B to grow up and figure out that life can and does go on. So to catch you up - Bella is still in school with Edward, and Jacob is still in Hawaii - both living as separate from their former lives as possible. And about Hawaii, for those of you who may not know, many many Hawaiians use an alternate version of English called pidgin. It has a Creole sound to it and might confuse you a bit but hopefully you'll have fun deciphering it.__ I can't include everything Hawaiian_ however, but I felt it was important to add that for authenticity. Also, don't forget to read the A/N at the bottom. I added something special just for you Jacob lovers! MWAH!

* * *

**Time Flies_…_**

_3 years later_….

"_Happy birthday to you, _

_happy birthday to you, _

_happy birthday Dear Jacob, _

_Happy Birthday To You !_ "

[Laughter ensues]

_Kill me now…_

"Oh come on Jacob, lighten up!" Rebecca said.

A begrudging smile crossed my face, "Ok, yes, you're right. I am a big fat party pooper, but I'm 21 now, Bex," I reminded her. "Dont'cha think I should be allowed to party how I want, with _who_ I want?"

"Nope," she said sweetly. "We're your only family within 2000 plus miles, boy. You party with us and that's that, so suck it up."

"But you said…"

"I know perfectly well what I said and I intend to keep my word. But dad also made me promise to make sure you had a good time with your _family_ and since you're not going _home_, and refused a traditional Hawaiian celebration, you're stuck here with me and Kimo. That trumps my promise to you. Family first Jake, _then_ you can go party with your friends for a night of debauchery and drink till you puke. I really don't care, just don't expect me to clean up after you tomorrow."

Arguing with Rebecca was an exercise in futility but it was fun to ruffle her feathers and I was good at it. And in the spirit of that I think tomorrow I'll drink out of the milk carton right in front of her, one of her biggest and most renown pet peeves.

"It isn't gonna kill ya to have some obligatory ice cream and cake with us," she continued to squawk. "Shouldn't take too long considering how you eat." She was smirking.

"Ho, fo shua brah! Mo betta you do um ahready, bumbai she tell me fo' sit on you o somet'ing." Kimo warned trying to look menacing.

I loved Kimo, he was the brother I always wanted. He didn't speak pidgin all the time but he seemed to prefer it. He was eager for me to pick it up but although I had developed an ear for it I could never master it. I understand it, just can't speak it to save my life. Loosely translated he said, "_She's right man, better do it before she orders me to sit on you or something._"

I smiled knowing that even with his strength and agility I could pin him in 2 seconds, 3 if I'm sick or tired. And he knew it, too. I played along.

"Oh, well, when you put it like that."

"So, open your gifts," she said smiling.

I tried to hide the terror that was threatening to show on my face. Rebecca was usually pretty bad when it came to getting me things. She never got hints and would usually get me the most out-of-nowhere kinds of stuff, but dad always forced me to act grateful, _and_ I just never had the heart to tell her. But today she came through.

"Let's see what we've got," I braced myself for something atrocious and couldn't hide my surprise to see the Sea & Sea DX-2G 12 mp digital underwater camera set I had been lusting over, a truly awesome camera.

"Wow! Oh my God, Bex, I can't believe this is what you got me, I've been wanting something like this. _I was saving my money for something like this!_" I said excitedly.

"I know, dad also made me promise to try a little harder this time and get you something you'd _actually_ _like_." She smiled meekly.

"Oh," feeling guilty. "Well I do, I really, _really_ like it! Thanks sis! It's really expensive though. Man, it must have set you back about a th…"

"SSHHHH! I know how much it costs," keeping her voice low. She had a point, telling everyone in the restaurant how much your brand new $1000 camera costs probably wasn't smart. "And your welcome. You only turn 21 once you know."

"Happy Birthday brah."

"Maholo Kimo, this is just so amazingly generous. How did you ever get her to turn loose of the money? Becca's always been kinda tight." I made a face at her and she slapped my arm.

"Ah, no beeg teeng; sistah get plenny love fo' her kid braddah."

_"_I know she does, and I love her too. Well thanks both of you. Now I can finally take shots of my dives and you'll finally stop hassling me about it."

"For reals, I can't believe you've never taken any pictures down there. All those dives and not one pic to show for it. I'm starting to wonder if you really _are_ a rescue diver."

Clearing my throat, "Divemaster now thank you very much, it's more responsibility," I smiled.

"Fo shua," Kimo agreed.

"Well now I can bring back proof. I can't wait to try this out, man." I held the camera to my eye pretending to take a pic of her and she instinctively held her hand up to block the shot. I laughed because it didn't even have film in it yet.

"So what are your plans tonight again?" she asked. "In case the police come by looking for you or something, I want to be able to rat you out properly!" grinning kinda mean at me.

"Nice to know you think so highly of me," smirking back. "Oh, same ole same ole. Just hangin with the guys, nothing too insane."

"Oh speaking of _insane_, your girlfriend called. She was wanting to know if you were going to be at the club tonight."

"Which one?"

"I don't know which one, the club you were at last weekend I think."

"No, I mean which _girl_."

Rolling her eyes, "Pfft, does it really matter, they're all the same, practically interchangeable. Bleached blonde bimbos with the same overprocessed hair, skin and boobs. I swear, they look like handbags with hair."

Kimo choked on his drink.

I huffed an exasperated sigh and shot her a look. She couldn't just tell me a name, she had to monologue!

"_The name,_ _Bex,_" growing impatient.

"Randa."

"Thank you, _geesh_."

"Well I can't help it Jake. I don't know what you see in them. They're vapid and vacuous at best. The most they want out of life is to date the quarterback and marry a doctor or dentist."

"There's worse things."

"Yeah and you don't need any of that, either. It might be time to set your goals a little higher when it comes to the fairer sex."

"I don't think so. I like my goals, _and my sex_, right where they are," grinning coyly.

Rebecca made a gagging sound. Kimo just laughed.

"Yeah these girls are a little Girlz Gone Wild, but that suits me. I don't like complications."

"Yeah well, there's nothing complicated about them that's for sure."

I made a frustrated face at her.

She shrugged, "Okay, okay, I'm just sayin is all. It's just… I'd like to see you happy with someone. Is that a crime? A little complication can be a good thing sometimes. Nobody's perfect, Jake."

I smiled a little and shrugged, "I appreciate your concern, but can't we just have some obligatory cake and ice cream now?"

She gave up, "Yeah, sure."

For the rest of the dinner we talked and laughed about all kinds of various things but nothing too heavy. We said our goodbyes and then I was heading for Honolulu. It wasn't a very long drive from Haliewa, it wasn't a long drive anywhere on Oahu compared to the states but the traffic was murder.

I met up with some friends, and Randa, and we all made our way to the beach for some after-dinner festivities.

We plopped ourselves down in an out of the way spot only the locals ever came to behind one of the hotels; it was too sketchy for the tourists.

By now, the rest of the crew were either passed out or getting there fast. Some had wandered off two by two and a few were curled up inside big beach blankets as makeshift tents.

"I called you a couple of times, you didn't return my calls," Randa said pouting. She wasn't used to chasing men, they were usually chasing her.

"I know babe, I just got tied up with work." That was sort of true.

"Work, work, work, that's all you ever talk about. I want to have some fun, Jakey."

Taking another swig of my rum and Pepsi and feeling the buzz I decided to go with the flow. "What did you have in mind."

Uh oh, I knew this look. She got up and with the sound of the traffic and passersby on the boardwalk just over 50 feet away, Randa backed away from our spot and began taking her top off.

"Randa!" I flew up off the sand. Dark or not, I knew full well this was a public beach and she did, too, but the second I got up she continued to back away into the water. The closer I got, the further she got, laughing the whole time. She continued to throw her soaked clothes past me onto the beach until there was nothing left to throw. She finally stopped far enough into the surf so the top of the water came just under her bare breasts. She summoned me with her finger, "Jakey."

I knew this would put us both in a lot of trouble but looked around me and with no one looking I said, "Ah screw it, why not," and stripped down and plunged in after her. She squealed and tried to get away but no amount of struggling would have helped her. Still submerged, I played around with her legs, then tickled my way up and bobbed up right next to her pulling her to me. After a couple of minutes of her pretending to fend me off she gave in, wrapping her legs around my bare back and whispered, "Happy Birthday Jakey" in my ear. Then, one thing led to another, as it always seems to.

Afterwards, she cuddled up next to me on the beach going fast to sleep. This was a good birthday. Just family and friends and _special friends_, it was awesome. Feeling pretty pleased with myself, I laid there and watched the moon come up over the horizon, still level with the water. I noticed how at this angle the moon's light reflected off the ocean looking like a single unbroken light, like a beacon from the east.

Times like now are the only times I allow myself to think of her. _What is she doing? Is she happy? Is she safe?_

Dad and the pack come to visit once in a while and they all say the same thing; there's no sign of the Cullens since they left and Bella comes to visit her dad still. So I guess she did change her mind. But I didn't dare let this fill me with relief. I knew she could still change her mind again. As long as they're in her life the danger's always there.

My life here in Hawaii was amazing. I have a job I love, I love the people, the terrain, the laid back attitude, the water, _the women_. I never considered myself a Don Juan kind of guy, but here I'm like catnip to an entire island _full_ of cats. My sister's disgusted with me and keeps calling me a man-whore, _like it's a bad thing_.

Hawaii's been good to me. I've got a job I love, the sun shines every single day and women literally fall all over themselves to get my attention…._ and what am I doing_? Laying here on the beach next to an extremely sexy, beautiful woman thinking about…...

_Geez, I am pathetic_.

But watching how the moon's light began to fragment and sparkle on the water the higher it got reminded me of the starry nights in B.C., it couldn't be helped. I don't allow myself to think about that too much. It's taken me a long time just to get here, in this place, where there're no monsters or magic.

But there must be some masochistic side to me; a part of me that doesn't want my past life to go away completely, maybe that part of me wants to keep my only link to her. Even if it is one-sided, even if it's wrong to hold on to something that was never yours to begin with…it doesn't feel wrong. It never has.

Randa snuggled up closer to me and I wrapped my arm around her to keep her warm. A bit of her hair had fallen on her face and I tucked it behind her ear. She moaned slightly, stirring a little then falling back to sleep. Although I care for Randa I'm not in love with her. I can't love any of them and it's not like I haven't tried. It would be nice if I could. I keep looking for that certain something and I just never seem to find it.

Maybe Becca's right, maybe there's no such thing as perfect. Maybe a little complication _was_ good. But then again, what does she know about complication. She's never grown fangs_._

* * *

**(Same day, on the other side of the water)**

"I can't find my books! I know I had it just a minute ago!"

"Looking for these?" he said, holding my books in the air after finding it exactly where I left it. Edward's arched eyebrow lingered and the smirk I always used to think was so sexy just made me feel ditzy now.

Sighing with relief, "Yes! Oh my gosh, Edward, I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep my head on today. Midterms nearly killed me and now I've got this paper due in social sciences I haven't even started. Plus, I've got to go shopping for your birthday party, plus get to work…"

"Bella! Calm down. You'll find a way to get everything done you always do. Your paper's not due for another month, so don't worry about it. And in case you've forgotten it's not my birthday, it's my _UN-birthday_ I guess if you had to call it something, and there's hardly a point in getting me a gift. I've told you, I don't celebrate that day."

"I know, and for all of us to celebrate the day you were turned probably seems a little odd to you but to those of us who would never have met you without that happening, it is cause for celebration. We're glad to have known you Edward, as much a burden as your vampire life has been for you all, _I'm_ grateful to have you all in my life."

Edward smiled bashfully. "You humble me," and leaned over and kissed my forehead.

"So which day is _the_ day again? The 18th, 19th?"

"I wasn't really conscious at the time, I was delirious with fever so you'd have to double check with Carlisle but I believe it was January 19th. Anyway, if you insist on celebrating please don't get me anything. You know all I want is you."

Smiling back, "I know."

Again he kissed the top of my head and made a gesture to leave. "Your father called by the way. He left a message on the machine." Edward had a peculiar look on his face that was so subtle an inexperienced person would have overlooked it. From the front door I watched him walk to his car, turn to wave at me and drive off.

I went to check the message and began to smile as I heard dad's voice. Even though Forks isn't too far from Seattle I didn't get home much, so I was missing him.

On top of going to school full-time at Seattle University, I have a part-time job and I'm constantly volunteering my time and money to whichever worthy cause seemed to need me, which lately has been all of them. It started when I helped out volunteering to a missing children's organization, putting up fliers or just whatever they needed me to do, which then blossomed into helping to organize fund raisers for local charities, which led me to helping out in emergency shelters as a shelter support volunteer. It's actually kind've taken over my life but I love it, I haven't had much time for anything else. Even for Edward, but I do try.

He knows this is really important to me so he doesn't outwardly complain. Now that I'm older I've become so aware of people and things around me, learning about their situations and getting involved. Mom and dad love that I'm getting so activated. Dad says it reminds him a lot of his college days when everyone's so fired up and willing to take up a cause, any cause. I guess it could be that, it's as good a reason as any. But I think deep down inside, I know there's another reason behind it, another much darker - more personal one. Bree is never too far away from my mind when I put up flyers and talk to runaways in the shelters. Bree may never come home, but maybe someday one of these kids will.

Whatever my motivation, all I know is I feel better when I'm helping, useful. Even in my feeble human state, I found a way to help people.

Dad sounded distracted on the answering machine. The whole message seemed to be about some random things, frankly things that could have waited another time or even the next time we came for a visit but when he finally got to the end I realized the real motive for the call, "…o_h and don't forget to call Billy. Jacob's birthday is today and he couldn't make it home, __again._"

The realization hit, it _is_ Jacob's birthday, I'd almost forgotten. January 14… he's 21 today. This thought put such a bitter-sweet taste in my mouth that it threatened to bring some dulled emotions to life but I just shook it loose. I'll call Billy, that'll make dad happy and it'll be good to hear a familiar voice.

"Hello?"

"Billy, hi!"

"Bella! Hey baby girl, I haven't heard from you in ages. How's it going with you?"

"Good, just wanted to say hi and wish Jacob a Happy Birthday. He didn't happen to make it in did he?" I knew what his answer would be, but the nugget-sized twinge of disappointment I felt when I heard the answer told me I must have secretly hoped anyway.

He couldn't disguise the disappointment in his voice. "No, he uh, couldn't make it again. I don't know what's with that boy, he hasn't been here in years. It's only when I go see him that I see him at all. I know he's gotten himself a nice little life there but you'd think he could manage a visit once in a while."

I gently led the conversation away from Jake. We talked for a few more minutes about all sorts of random things. I was dying to ask about Jacob and Leah and how that was going but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Suspecting and knowing were two very different things.

"Yeah. Well hey, I've got to go but just tell him I called and I'll try to come by and see you next time I'm home."

"That'd be great, Bells. Take care." I laid the phone down and had to sit down. It was like seeing a ghost. I'd never noticed just how much Billy sounds like Jacob on the phone and to hear him say "Bells" shocked me into silence.

So Jacob's enjoying the high-life huh. Well good for him. I guess I was right after all, Jake isn't coming back. I mean, it's been well over three years now. I suddenly felt real emotional for some reason. How could he just stay away like that? His dad's all alone, and he's crippled, Jacob could at least visit once in a while. What the hell's his problem? I mean so what if there's a feud or whatever with the Cullens and the wolves, they moved years ago. Edward and I are at school, hasn't Billy told Jacob this by now? Just what's the big bad wolf so afraid of? What does it _even_ matter if Jake and Leah are together. Hell, he could have kids by now for all I know. But Billy probably would have mentioned _that_ I would think.

Snapping myself out of it I realized I was really running late now. I grabbed my book bag and left and in my hurry left my cell phone still on the charger. But it was useless to go to class. My mind kept floating around, I couldn't concentrate. I told my study group I wasn't feeling well and left. I could've called from the school but I decided not to call Edward, yet. He wasn't even expecting me home for a couple of hours, so I had some time to kill. No point in needlessly worrying him.

I never skip class, in fact since starting college I've never even been late for a class, I loved school. I've felt more normal here than I ever did in all four years of high school.

I went shopping and did all my chores but I was still restless. I drove around Seattle aimlessly, not really sure where I was going, I just needed to go. Because of how I felt, I decided to get on the ferry to Bainbridge. Not really to go to Bainbridge although it's a nice place. I just liked being on the ferry itself. I would stand outside along the railing and let the cool air blow past me. Sometimes it got too cold, but it was a good way to clear out my head, the droning of the engine and the lulling of the boat was hypnotic. I liked being on the water and getting away from the city lights and traffic, and on clear nights I could star gaze but as usual tonight was cloudy; however, I could see the moon was trying to fight its way out giving off a faint light, enough to just barely see.

I was just in time for the 8:10 ferry. There weren't too many people on deck this time of night, so I found my usual spot up front overlooking the water. I liked coming out here alone. My days are so filled with doing everything for everyone else, it's the one thing I do for myself. I couldn't see the gulls but I could hear them in the water as the boat motored past disturbing their peace. A light fog that had yet to reach me was covering the distant lighthouse giving it a lonely eerie look. But it wasn't till my return trip that I noticed where the outline of the fog was compared to the first leg of the trip. The boat and the fog seemed to be having a race as both glided over the Puget Sound. I was amazed at how fast the fog had moved in just in that short amount of time.

Then, as if a curtain opened, bright moonlight (the brightest I think I ever remember seeing) came streaming down giving the fog a bluish cast. The moon was nearly straight above me. I smiled a look of surprise at this accepting this rare gift of beauty. I completely forgot it was the full moon tonight. Maybe that's why I'm acting so nutty, I thought amused.

The moon continued to shine in spite of the clouds threatening to cover it and I just stood in it, mesmerized. I noticed that when the moon peaked through a hole in the clouds there were several colors on the rim of the opening, it was faint but so obvious to anyone who bothered to look. I was seeing a rainbow at night, and I couldn't help but be in awe of it. It's amazing the things you see around you, when you let yourself see it.

I then realized how petty I had been towards Jake. He's done well for himself. He loves his tribe and family so much, I should trust that he knows what he's doing. I felt really bad for doubting him. He'd never desert them, not intentionally. It's just not in his nature to be selfish like that. Letting go of the resentment made me feel better, and allowing myself to think of Jake's true nature made me feel good, too. Unlike before when any memory filled me with pain and anguish, now his memory warmed me, I could feel it even now amongst the chilled mist and wind.

I went home feeling so much more at peace, like myself again. The keys jangled as I inserted the key into the keyhole, but before I could even turn it, the door flew open yanking the keys out of my hand hurting my fingers. It was all a blur, but the next thing I knew I felt a whoosh of air and suddenly being grabbed and lifted up. Before I could catch my breath I felt two cold arms embracing me. Inhaling my first breath of Edward's scent I looked up to see the worry on his face.

"Where have you been?" he growled. "Oh my God, Bella, I've been worried sick!" and he hugged me again.

I was stunned. I wasn't that late; 5...10 minutes at most. The ferry thing was last minute but I'd done it dozens of times before. It was hardly worth this kind of alarm.

"Edward, I…I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that late. I would have called but..."

"You left your phone, I know. I couldn't get a hold of you and when I went to the school they said you just left. I thought…

The look on Edward's face could only be described as…..terror. I haven't seen this face in years and it frightened me.

"Edward?"

"They decided, Bella."

"What?"

"Alice called while you were out. She saw it. The Volturi have said _it's time_."

* * *

**A/N: You might already know this but in case you didn't, I wanted to alert you that January 14 really is Jacob Black's birthday! You can read it here at this website, Stephenie Meyers confirmed it: /newsblog/?p=2474. _It's no accident that I updated today! *wink wink* Happy Birthday Jacob !_**

_V__isit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www.. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!... Come visit me if you dare! _

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


	17. Demetri

**A/N:** Well, I promised you another chapter and here it is. And just to reward you for your patience I've submitted another chapter as well. Now that all of my other writing assignments are out of the way, I will get right to work on chapter _whatever this is_, I've lost track of where I'm at lol.

* * *

**Demetri**

The words caught in my throat.

"They're not waiting for us any longer," he continued. "They knew we'd be watching Aro's decisions. Jane had someone keep tabs on us without Aro knowing. They're coming here."

All the blood drained out of me I'm sure of it, everything slowed down and blurred.

"Bella, did you understand me? We've got to go!"

"But Edward, my dad is here, my school…everything I've worked so hard for all these years. Where will we go? For how long?"

"I have a few places in mind. And don't worry about your parents, they might very well be the safest people on the planet. The Volturi aren't interested in bringing anymore attention to themselves. You should know what this will mean, Bella. We'll be on the run almost all the time. You won't be able to contact your family or friends for who knows how long, if ever. This is the way it has to be. We knew this time was coming."

"I know I just… I know. You're right." It was very hard to wrap my head around this. "How much time do we have?"

"Days, maybe hours."

"Oh Edward." Hearing this, it was hard to describe the feeling. Not too unlike someone reading the date on your tombstone I would imagine.

"I know." He held me close. "I've already packed our clothes and some essentials, just what we can carry. We have to travel light and be as inconspicuous as possible; leave no trace of where we were or where we're going."

I looked around me and noticed our luggage near the entrance of the hall that led toward the living room. Our whole lives in just a few bags. It was a sad sight in and of itself.

"What about money? Can't they trace us that way?"

"I have cash in several currencies. It's hard to decide exactly where to go because Alice is having a hard time getting a lock on him."

"Who?"

Some time during my confusion Edward had grabbed our bags and was moving to the door, "Bella, I'll answer all your questions on the way okay, but we need to go... NOW."

* * *

_[In the car speeding to the airport…_._]_

"It's part of his tracking abilities."

"What? How do you mean?" I asked.

"Demetri, it's why Alice can't find him."

_Demetri_. The Volturi's personal tracker was after me.

"Wait, I'm confused. I thought you said his skill was to be able to tune into a person, to track anyone anywhere - better than James. How could he find me? You were pretty confident I would block him the same way I block you."

"Yes, all that's true, however he's gifted in ways James could only have wished. His gift not only helps him to track others but keeps others from being able to track him. He's like a machine, virtually untraceable and unrelenting. He can't block me, or Alice but he's really deceptive. He knows I can only read his mind if he's near. Alice can see all the different scenarios, all the plans going on in his head all the time but she can't tell which one is the right one. I think it's because he doesn't even know himself until he's doing it. He runs almost completely on instinct making him virtually unpredictable. He can even mask his scent."

I was astonished, "Really? He can do that?"

"He wouldn't be much of a hunter if his prey could merely smell him a mile away."

Edward sounded almost impressed by Demetri.

"So how is Alice able to see anything now when she couldn't before?"

"Alice knows because Aro does. She was only watching Aro, Caius and Marcus. Jane and Alec took it upon themselves to keep watch over us. Even though Aro doesn't agree with Carlisle's lifestyle he respects him. While Aro trusts Carlisle, Jane doesn't. After we had been lulled into a false sense of security, they decided to tell Aro everything. Our deception infuriated him. Leaving you in Carlisle's hands was an act of faith, he trusted his orders would be carried out. An ex-member of the Volturi wouldn't dare disobey. Or so they thought.

"Aro is first and foremost an aristocrat for lack of a better word. What Carlisle did is considered the height of effrontery. Perhaps Jane knew this; or perhaps they were bored and just wanted to cause trouble, who knows. He gave the order to have you hunted down. He doesn't even care if you're changed or not."

It was sinking in now just how bad things had become. To know that even if I were changed into a vampire right this second, they would still kill me.

Then I remembered something. "So, how did he not know until now? I thought they all routinely shared their thoughts with him."

"Oh they do, believe me. For very much the same reasons we Cullens shouldn't keep secrets. However, _there are holes in everyone's abilities_."

"Jane found a way around it," I realized.

He shook his head 'yes.' "There's a lot of turmoil going on over there right now, this could be to our advantage."

Buildings, street signs and cars whizzed by going practically unnoticed. I knew Carlisle was putting himself on the line for me, they all were. This day had finally come and all the mental and emotional prepping I did to prepare for this was practically useless. I felt completely and totally vulnerable, and I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated it so much it gave way to stronger more primal feelings; resentment and sheer unmitigated anger.

I had seen so many sad souls, people who had been thrown out of their homes without even food to feed themselves let alone their families. Good people who went from one option, to another until one day all their options had run out. Was this me? Is this where I am now?

So many emotions and ideas were tumbling over themselves I felt like I was going to explode with it all; and then, before I knew what was happening, _I did_.

"_How dare they! Who the hell do they think they are? Who made them Kings of the world? I've known about the vampires all this time and I've never, EVER told a soul - not that anyone would believe me if I did! So why is this even an issue? They can't just come in here and ruin everyone's lives just because they're too bored to figure out what to do with themselves! Are they jealous, is that it? Are they jealous that I have a life and they don't?_"

I didn't know where I was going with this. It was just babble, pent-up rage, but it had been coming for a long time. Edward, who had been prepared to comfort me only looked at me stunned.

"_I hate this! I hate them! This is MY LIFE and they're making me go on the run like I'm a criminal, and for what? For living?_" My nails dug deep into my palms but I was too mad to care.

"_I've made a life for myself and I've worked_ _damn hard_ _for it and now they're just going to take it away like it's meaningless? How can they just do this to people, Edward? Why doesn't anyone stop them?"_

I knew that there had to have been hundreds, maybe thousands of others who also had been victims of the Volturi's imperious wrath. It galled me that in all this time no one had the courage to stand up to them.

Edward covered my hand with his, forcing me to release my nails from my palms. He didn't say anything and I'm not sure I would have heard it if he had. I was crazed with frustration but I tried my best to calm down. We still had to discuss deploying the second phase of our exit plan.

* * *

At the airport I was a mess. We were waiting for our plane now and I was so nervous I kept pacing back and forth. Edward kept trying to get me to sit but I just couldn't sit still. It wasn't only the Volturi that made me nervous but also the one thing I had to do, still.

After much debate, we decided it would be okay to call my parents, just this once, and only at the last possible minute. That way even if the Volturi traced the call, with our new identities they would have no way of knowing which plane we boarded. I was anxious to get it over with; the wait seemed to take forever.

Then finally, it was time.

"Dad?"

"Bella, hey kiddo. Everything okay, it's kinda late?"

"Yeah, uh wait a sec. Mom?"

"Yes I'm here. Hello Charlie."

"Oh, hi Renee... So, what's up, Bells?

"Yeah, I've got you both on the line because I have something to say to you and wanted to tell you at the same time. I'm just not sure how you're going to take it." Maybe it was the airport's air but my throat was bone dry.

"Bella, what's wrong?" dad asked.

"I'm leaving town for a while. Something's come up and I just didn't want to leave without first telling you both what I'm doing."

"What _are_ you doing, Bella?" Mom asked.

I squeezed my eyes shut, "I'm going on a kind of sabbatical, that is to say a break...for a while. Six months, maybe a year, I'm not sure."

They were quiet but when the shock wore off their reactions were exactly as I expected.

"Are you insane? Renee, is this your doing?" dad grumbled.

"Me? Why do you automatically assume it's my fault? This is the first I've heard of it! Bella, what is going on?"

"I know this seems crazy and kind of sudden, what with almost graduating and all…."

"You can say that again. _One semester_, just one semester left to go and you want to take off?" mom cried.

"Mom, it wouldn't matter if it were one month or 5 years. I'm burned out. I've done nothing but school since I was 4. I never even took a break after high school and I probably should have. I'm real happy with school and stuff, I just need a break is all. I need to _find myself_." I was glad they couldn't see the look of disgust on my face.

"Mom, dad, I didn't work this hard to quit school. I swear it. It's just a break that's all. I know what I'm doing. I want to travel and figure my life out. Is that so hard to understand?"

"For you, yes it is. You love school, Bells."

"I know dad, I…" I looked over at Edward who was in line gesturing me to hurry.

"I, I'm going to be impossible to reach, I'll be traveling so much, it would be better if _I_ contacted _you_ and just let you know I'm okay. I've really got to go though."

"Wait Bella, _are_ you okay? When will we hear from you again?" mom asked. I could hear the worry in her voice, something practically unknown to me until now.

My eyes and nose stung. I didn't know if it was even possible to contact them again.

"Soon," I choked out. "I love you guys."

We said our goodbyes and it was all I could do to hit the red END button on my cell, it was so symbolic. Edward was frantically signaling me now as he approached the gate entrance.

A custodial worker had just picked up the trash bags from our area and was heading to another section. I grabbed a stray cup of Coke someone had left nearby and dunked my phone, put it in the trash - cup and all - and hurried back toward the gate. If the Volturi were to find it, hopefully, it would be completely ruined.

Several minutes later Edward and I were safely on the plane. As we were beginning to taxi down the runway I saw Edward concentrating out the window as if he saw something. He then solemnly pulled the shade down.

I asked him what was wrong.

In his own reluctant way he said, "We left just in time."

I tore my eyes away from his and glanced through the next row's window toward the airport which was about a couple hundred feet away now and getting further.

A chill went down my spine as I understood what he meant and it came out as barely a whisper, "Demetri?"

He nodded his head slowly, and squeezed my hand tight. Of course I couldn't see Demetri, but I had a mental picture in my mind of a figure with sunglasses standing at the window watching the planes come and go - _watching us go -_ knowing that he was only minutes behind us, _knowing he would always be just minutes behind_.

This arrogance must be how a shark feels; gliding undetected towards its prey, a soulless predator with black eyes and unabashed certainty in his own power, living only for the hunt. _Did he just miss us?_ _Had he been there the whole time, circling, without us knowing?_

We were in the air and it was only then I actually felt myself exhale a full breath. The flight attendants were speaking over the intercom giving instructions but it might as well have been in Martian for all the good it was doing me.

* * *

Later, while still in the air with tons of time to kill, a thought occurred to me that escaped me before.

"Edward, how did you know all that about Demetri?" I asked suspiciously.

I knew Edward didn't know Demetri personally and hadn't seen him since that time in Volterra. All this "new" information came as quite a surprise. It was the first I'd heard of it.

I wanted to think the best of Edward and I do for most things, but he's notorious for keeping things from me for fear of scaring me and filtering out whatever news he didn't think I could handle. This was actually the source of many arguments and was the biggest thing that annoyed me, that no matter how much I've already gone through or how old I get, he'll always think of me as a child in need of protecting.

"I read it in the Volturi members' minds a long time ago," he said finally. It was just what I feared.

"You mean, you've known all this time, since Volterra," I couldn't hide the letdown I felt, the one I always feel when I happen on yet another secret. It amazed me that it could still hurt this much after all this time. You would think I'd be numb to it by now.

"Bella…"

"I know, you were protecting me," the bitterness in my voice couldn't be disguised, not that I wanted it to be. I rubbed my temple.

"Yes. It was to protect you. I will always do what I think is best to protect you, Bella, _even if it's from yourself_."

"_From myself? I'm not the one that's keeping secrets, Edward!_" Bad thing was that hadn't been entirely true. I remember a time when I tried to sneak out of the house to see Jacob and Edward dismantled my truck. He was protecting me then, too, although it was completely unnecessary. But he couldn't have known that. And while I understand his fear of the wolves and their unpredictability, that was a long time ago. He has no right to throw that in my face now.

He motioned for me to keep quiet, but I honestly didn't care anymore.

"Edward, you could have told me about Demetri. You _should_ have. Yes, I'm sure it would have scared me a little, but don't I get _some_ props in how I handle things? Why are you always making things so much harder than it needs to be? Why do I always feel like I have to second guess you now?"

I could see him clinching his jaw, "I'm sorry you feel that way, love. I'm not trying to make things harder."

"I'm sorry too," and stared off into the next row of seats across from us. It's very hard to be in a relationship with someone that not only doesn't trust you, but makes it impossible to trust them. And as usual I knew he was going to pull the immortal card.

"It's just that, when it comes to things like this, I have the knowledge and the advantages you don't. It could be the only thing that keeps us alive at this point. So even if it means you get to be mad at me for a while, so be it. At least you're alive to be mad."

I just sat there fuming. His arguments that used to seem so valid in the past now just felt like excuses. I kept my mouth shut for fear of saying how I really felt. Dad does that, too. When he'd get so mad that he was about to explode he'd hold it in but you could still see the every volatile thought brewing inside.

We agreed to just let it drop for now. I could kill him later, he said. We had been in the air a few hours and the anxiety was finally wearing off and I began to feel tired. Edward hummed my lullaby as I finally drifted off to sleep.

When we finally landed I was relieved to get off the plane only to learn we would have to board yet another plane, a charter to go the rest of the way as it was too remote by car. We were in Yellowknife, Canada in the Northwest Territories. This was a definite first for me. I had barely even heard of this place but as little as I knew about Yellowknife, I knew even less about where we were going. Even though we had gone as far north as I ever thought I might go in my lifetime, we were about to go just a bit further.

It was a lodge, cabins to be specific about 100+ miles northeast of here at Mackay Lake. It's a great place if you love extreme cold, hunting, fishing and all kinds of outdoorsy fun. So in other words I felt pretty sure I was going to hate it, I couldn't imagine what I'd like about this place. But as long as it had heat, I would deal. It was just temporary anyway.

Even though I was exhausted, I was ecstatic to finally see someone I knew that would cheer me up. As we walked up to the lodge I saw a tiny form come out whose little feet were practically floating on the frigid air.

"Bella, Edward!"

"Alice!" I rushed over to her and slipped on the ice, but she reached out and caught me, lifted me slightly and hugged me at the same time. I hadn't seen her in almost a year, not since she decided to go up North and try out some "new cuisine." Alice and Jasper had been staying in this general area on and off for months, long enough to develop a sense of familiarity among the inhabitants but not so much that people felt comfortable getting into their business.

"How are you? When Edward said you were heading here I almost couldn't believe it."

"Really? Surely you saw us coming," my teeth were chattering.

"Nope, I think Mr. Smarty Pants here was playing games with my vision," she said, kicking some snow in his direction.

He smirked, "Not intentionally anyway, it was last minute, I didn't even know myself until I was at the ticket counter." He walked over and hugged her, too. I was trying my best to adapt but there was no way I think I could ever get used to this kind of cold, it was shocking. It was like jumping into a tank of frigid icewater, without the water.

Alice quickly led us to the door and shut it behind her, and even though it was nice and warm in the cabin, somehow it made me shiver more. I could tell by the way Edward was fidgeting that he wanted to hold me but didn't dare try it.

"Just give me a minute, I'll be fine," I gritted my teeth to keep them from chattering.

Alice dashed to the couch and was back in a second holding up an afghan, wrapping it around me. "It hasn't been too bad today actually," she said. "Unseasonably warm, about −30 F."

"Negative thir…!" I couldn't get the rest out. Just the thought of this made me even colder.

She dashed again to the kitchen and brought me some hot cocoa she already had made for me.

"Thank you."

She got me settled onto the couch and once she was done tending to me, she stood next to Edward. "Ok, so you're going to stay here a couple of weeks and then off somewhere else, is that right? Have you figured out where, yet?"

"Not until I can get a better idea of where he is. He has no way of knowing where you are?" Edward asked.

"I don't see how he could, no one knows I'm here except you and Carlisle," she seemed distracted. "Since you and Bella made that connecting flight in Chicago he's really off the trail now. As near as I can tell he's weighing ALL of his options. He knows about some of your contacts in Brazil, he's thinking of checking that out."

"Good. I was hoping he'd do that. I've already reached my contacts down there and they won't make it easy for him, they're going to be pretty hard to find, too. Even if he does find them they won't have a clue where we are and he'll have to start all over from scratch. By the time he makes his way up here we'll be gone."

"It's a good plan, I just wish I could tell you how it comes out. I hate being blind like this."

"You're not blind, just a little nearsighted," I joked.

She smiled at me and came over to hug me again, now that I was warmed up it was safe to do that.

"So where's Jasper, I thought he'd be here."

"Hunting, he'll be back by morning. Since he heard you were coming he uh, wanted to be topped off if you know what I mean." She winked at me.

"Oh yeah, good call."

"Well now that you're here let me show you to your room."

Alice gave us the grand tour and I have to admit I was pleasantly surprised. There was definitely evidence that this is a hunting and fishing cabin what with the great big huge fish on the walls and sprinkled all around it were antique fishing lures and the occasional trophy staring back at me, but by the way Edward described this place I was sure it would be run down and downright primitive but it was anything but. In fact it was quite warm and inviting with the rock fireplace, native style rugs, handmade wooden furniture and all the comforts of modern living. I thought it was downright quaint. I finally figured that it must not be trendy enough by Cullen standards, but then again neither was I.

But the Cullens love me just as I am, quirks and all. It took me a while to see that but I finally do. I know I love them, quirks and all. There have been no more close calls since my fateful birthday party and while Jasper knows I certainly have no qualms about putting the past behind us, I've often wondered if I'm the reason for their abrupt departure last year. Before they left there would be times when we would all be together, and I would catch a glimpse from Alice or Jasper that worried me; nothing that you could really say was any one particular expression just - something _off_ when they looked at me.

It took me a while to figure out why that must be. When a vampire feels strongly about something or someone it leaves an indelible mark on them, not physically but it's just as present as if it were. If they love someone, they always love them, if they mourn someone they always mourn them. It doesn't get any better, it doesn't go away with time. It's as new and fresh today as it was the day it happened, however long ago that was. You can never get away from it. It's a completely different kind of heaven…and hell.

Alice feels guilty about the whole wedding fiasco, she took as much responsibility as I would allow her to have in that mess. Afterwards, she said that she could see what it was doing to me but she ignored it, all to have "her" perfect wedding day. She convinced herself it would be fine, but she sees now how miserable things had become. '_How could a seer not see what was right in front of her_,' she would say. The guilt must be eating her up still.

Jasper of course will always regret what happened at my party. It was hard to see them both in such pain all the time, seeing it in their eyes when they look at me. I have completely forgiven them both but it's not as easy as that. They'll always feel guilty for the pain they've caused. They suffer from it, everyday.

The minute Alice left us in the bedroom I stripped down, changed into my night shirt, climbed into bed and fell asleep almost the moment my head hit the pillow. The day had been too long and I was too exhausted to care about tomorrow. Once Edward felt sure I would stay asleep he sneaked off to chat with Alice.

* * *

(Third person POV)

"She fell asleep fast," she said as he was pulling the door to.

"It's been a hell of a night, Alice, can you blame her? I would expect no less. If you'd have given us more time we could have planned things out better."

"Oh go ahead, chastise me. I know you want to."

He thought about it for a few seconds.

"Edward! I do the best I can, what else could I possibly have done? Watch every single person on the planet or just the ones who want to kill Bella? Which as it happens is nearly everyone on the planet!"

"Shhh!" he said angrily.

Once he determined her voice hadn't disturbed Bella he turned back to Alice.

"Listen, it's my fault she's in this mess all right? I wish I could think of a way to undo it but I can't. I'm not angry at you,_ exactly_, so if I take it out on you, I'm sorry. I'm just so mad all the time I can hardly keep it in anymore."

"I know you're upset, Edward, I am, too, but it'll be all right. I mean, I don't really know that for sure but I feel it will be. Besides, it's my fault, too, remember. Don't think I don't think about that."

"I know you do."

A few moments of silence later, "You're worried about something else," she asked.

"I don't understand, Alice. He found us so fast! I've never seen anything like it. I told Bella it may have been because they were tracing the phones but I just don't know. Maybe she's not able to block him. Was he there already? If so, why let us go? Why not just take us then?"

"It's a game. It has to be," she said. "I saw him there at the airport but I could also clearly see you and Bella on the plane and leaving him behind. I thought it was because the timing was off but I guess it wasn't. He just let you go. And what's worse, I can't see how he knew you'd be there. His mind is just everywhere all at once, very seldom in any one place for any amount of time. I don't know how he decides on anything, I can't isolate one idea from the other. It's maddening!" Alice said rubbing her temple.

"There must be a way of figuring out what his next move is. If I could just figure him out," he said.

"I don't know if we can. The only thing we know for sure is that humans are nothing more than cattle to them. They're bored, Edward. Eternal life has made life eternally dull. It's the thrill of the hunt now, nothing more."

A darkness fell over him. "There's more to it than that. I can feel it. We'll leave soon. I shouldn't have come here, it's put you and Jaz in danger."

"We _can_ take care of ourselves you know, you just worry about that one in there," pointing to his bedroom.

"I never should have come back."

"_Come back?_" she said.

"From Denali; when she first arrived in Forks and I discovered how much I wanted to kill her. I remember it so clearly Alice. My mouth fills with venom at just the thought of it, even now. My strength has never been tested so much, ever. When I left I never wanted to come back. I felt like a failure, I've never felt so out of control of myself not even as a newborn. Why couldn't I have just stayed away, Alice? If I had been stronger and stayed away like I planned, none of this would be happening. She wouldn't be mottled with scars, she wouldn't have suffered so much pain and broken bones and cuts and she wouldn't be scared for her life 24/7. She might've had a normal life," the pain on his face was hard for Alice to watch.

"We're talking about Bella Swan, Edward. Of course she'd be all banged up and bruised, it just wouldn't have been because of us. She's the biggest klutz in the world, and we all love her for it. That's what makes her unique, that's just _one_ _of the things_ that makes her special. Maybe that's what drew you to her, and why you came back. To find out what it is that makes her _so special_."

"I don't even care about "the why's" anymore, Alice. It's my fault she's having to go through this. All I care about now is keeping her safe."

"Then, if you really feel that way maybe it's time to consider Plan B."

"NO, are you out of your mind?" he growled.

"Why not? Just because it's not palatable doesn't make it a bad idea. I don't much care for it myself but you and I both know it's probably her best chance."

"I don't know that, and neither do you, remember? That's a "last option only" scenario. Things aren't as bad as that yet."

"_Uh Hello_? Edward, look around you. Look where you've taken her. Can it be much worse than this?"

When Edward didn't answer, Alice did. "Okay, okay, Plan A first. We'll see it through as far as we can. I just hope you know what you're doing, 'cause I don't."

After Alice left to hunt, Edward snuggled back into bed with Bella and caressed her hair. Many things were coming; morning, Demetri, the unknown future. Bella didn't know if she was ready for any of it but ready or not, it was coming anyway.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry about switching out the POV's, but there was kind've no way around it. I hope it wasn't too confusing. I originally did it all in Bella's POV but that last bit would have had to be completely redone or cut out and there are interesting hints at things in that last part that get revealed in the next chapter. Although it seems like I'm taking Bella further and further away from where she belongs, I'm actually not. Once this turn is made it'll make all the difference in the world why I went in this direction. :)

* * *

_V__isit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www.. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!... I also have a livejournal account as well. Come visit me if you dare!_

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


	18. Snuff

**A/N:** Thank you for allowing me to write my story and giving me the time and space to do it. I always have an interesting time naming the chapters, it's kinda fun actually. I have my reasons for naming this chapter "Snuff," of which I explain in the A/N at the end. Just trying to make it interesting. So without further ado, chapter 18.

* * *

**Snuff**

"Bella?"

"What?"

I turned around just in time to see Alice race over to me. She looked worried.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing, I didn't know where you were, I turned around and you were gone. Then I remembered you like to come out here. Honestly Bella, you'd think someone who had a horde of ravenous vampires after her would be just a little more cautious. Why do you come out here so much?"

"Same reason as yesterday and the day before, just watching and thinking." With enough winter gear on I was able to venture outside once in a while. Near the campsite is a fire pit that visitors use. I sat on one of the huge logs surrounding the pit. Most times they just leave it to burn because there's almost always someone out here but today it burned itself out, the smoke of which still perfumed the air.

Our campground is made up of about 10 cabins. Most of them have occupants and every so often we'll wave at them but we didn't try to make conversation, it was just easier. They all came for the fishing and hunting anyway, so by nighttime they were all stowed away in their cabins. I was the only one out here. But even though I was still technically within the campgrounds, given the nature of our situation I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone, which ordinarily I'd be fine with but I needed an hour a day to myself. I was getting severe cabin fever and we'd only been here six days.

I think the biggest problem was no sun. This far north at this time of year there was hardly any sun. Sometimes none. Sometimes only as much as two or so hours a day. Living in constant darkness was beginning to wear on me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you, Alice."

Once Alice was finished resetting the fire to a small inferno she turned to me and said, "Just try to be a little more adamant about telling me your whereabouts next time. Edward gets so cranky when he hasn't had enough to eat. Don't give me a reason to call him in early," she warned.

I giggled, "I won't."

"Why do you like to come out here? You're out here at the same time every night."

"It's peaceful and I like watching the show," and motioned to the sky. The show I was referring to was the aurora borealis, something you don't see too much of in the lower 48. I don't think I could ever get tired of watching this.

Alice sat down next to me. Sometimes she watched it, sometimes she stared off into nothingness. There didn't seem to be a moment when she wasn't watching out for The Powers That Be. I was sad for her; she was amongst one of the most awe-inspiring wonders of the world and she couldn't enjoy it.

"Anything?"

"Nothing new. Bella, are you okay?"

Her question surprised me. "Yeah, fine. I mean, I could do without the whole contract on my life thing, but yeah I'm good. Why?"

She refused to answer.

"Alice, why do you have that look on your face sometimes?"

"What look?"

"You don't think I've noticed? Every once in a while you look at me like you're in pain. I thought it was because of the whole wedding thing, but now I'm not so sure."

"The wedd...? Oh, right yeah. Well, it's nothing really, just some demons I carry around with me. They're my burden to bear."

It didn't feel right asking. The Cullens' "_demons_" were intensely personal. We sat there for a while longer, I was getting cold but the fire helped and I wanted to stay. You never hear this kind of quiet in the city. It's almost like you're in the vacuum of space, like you have to whisper.

"Bella, can I ask _you_ a question?"

"Sure."

"Are you happy? I mean, are you – _happy_?"

I looked at her curiously. "Um, sure. I mean yes, I'm generally happy." She had a peculiar look on her face. "You look like you don't believe me," I said.

"I wouldn't say that, it's just... how do I ask this? It's hard for a psychic to ask questions, there's always a chance that even just asking, you run the risk of changing the future. It takes so little really,_ to change the future._ I guess what I want to know is, does Edward make you happy? I know you two have been having some problems."

"Oh."

"You do still love him, don't you?"

"Of course... yes, I do. I'll always love him...I just," I wish I knew how to say what I felt. I could only continue in a whisper. "I do love Edward, but something's different. Something's changed."

It was hard to describe the look on her face, not too unlike the way a person looks when they finally know the ending of a book or story, but it didn't end the way they hoped.

I didn't know how to finish what I started.

"I _need_ to know, Bella," she said passionately. "I need to know _exactly_ how you're feeling."

There was so much to cover but she wanted to know everything. All we have is time here, so I laid it all out there. Everything I'd been holding in, everything I'd been too afraid to say or even admit to myself. Nothing was rehearsed, and nothing was held back. It was clumsy but it was the truest truth I've ever told.

"Why haven't you told him?"

"I can't."

"He needs to know, Bella, he probably already does but he should _hear it _from you."

"I feel so awful Alice, he loves me so much... _So Much_. Sometimes _it's enough, _ya know. There are times when it doesn't make sense to keep going, but then he'll do something so sweet and romantic, it just takes my breath away again. It reminds me of how I fell in love with him. But it never lasts, it's not enough to lose this feeling I have. I just feel so guilty. I can't get rid of this nagging feeling of being incomplete. Why am I this way, Alice? Why am I such an awful person? I chose Edward, I've always known Edward was my future. _You_ even told me that. I just don't understand my feelings. I shouldn't be feeling like this. How could my feelings for Edward change?"

That look of pain was on her face again. "Bella, there's something I have to tell you. I didn't want to say anything unless I had to…I hoped it would all just work out. And I wanted to be sure,_ really really sure _before I told you anything. You won't like it but it at least explains what you're going through. I've been wanting to tell you for some time. I just hope after everything that's said that you won't hate me forever. Just remember I love you, Bella, I did it because I love you..."

I was too stunned and afraid to say anything.

"Bella, the night of the fight in the clearing, the night Jacob was almost….when he was hurt. You're right Bella...something has changed but it wasn't between you and Edward; it was between you and Jacob. After the fight, I brought you back to the house for a bath and such. You asked me a question you thought I knew the answer to, ordinarily I would know the answer to that question because it's always been the same. Always, until right then. You asked me about your future if I could still see you as a vampire, I said yes….. _I lied. I lied to you, Bella_."

I was unable to move, I was unable to think. I could no longer feel the cold outside as a horrible numbness went through me.

"I was angry with you, Bella. I was horrified that you could even think of choosing that _Jacob_ over Edward and I was angry at the dog for corrupting you! But I knew it must be true because I _couldn't see you anymore_. When you were unconscious I could still see you, but after you came to in the clearing when Jane and the rest came, I stopped seeing you. Your future disappeared, not entirely, not completely. But enough to scare me. I thought maybe it was because the dogs were still too close, but when we got to my house I realized it was true. You had made your choice, it was just the wrong one. I knew you still loved Edward very much, and all you needed was a little push. So I vowed to change your mind. I didn't want to lose you, Bella - and Edward...he's waited so long for you, I just couldn't bear to see him hurt again. We all love you so much, Bella, _you're my sister_, I would do anything – say anything – to keep you with us. But I knew you were just on the verge of leaving and if I didn't say something you would. I panicked."

My face burned hot and the tears flowed at least I think they did. I was too numb to feel anything in the way of sensations. I couldn't look at her, I was too angry, too hurt and too confused to function. Everything I knew, everything I'd believed and felt all these years – was a lie.

I wanted to die. I've never been so betrayed, but I was still in shock. It couldn't be true, how could something this horrible be true?

Still at a loss for words, I jerked away as she reached out to me.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Bella, please forgive me!" Her voice was quivering and urgent, as if she was choking back a muffled cry.

But I still couldn't look at her. She was a stranger. She knew, she knew even before I did. I wanted Jacob just as much as I wanted Edward, _more_ based on what she saw, but she manipulated me. I thought _I_ had made a choice and by doing so thought it was a righteous choice. I could live with the pain of what I gave up. I put all of my faith into it, into her words. Her reassurance meant everything to me, I never doubted her even for a moment. Even if she had told the truth in the beginning I still might have stayed with Edward at first, but knowing my heart chooses Jacob in the end would have changed everything. I hadn't fully realized my feelings yet but I would have. She knew this and implanted a new future. The certainty I'd felt was manufactured. Being my best friend she knew just what to say to make me teeter off balance.

I stood and backed away from her slowly. It was as if I was backing away from a dangerous animal. With each step she took toward me I took two back. I slowly turned my back on her and headed toward the cabin. She began to follow but I whipped around and pointed my finger as a warning as if to say, '_Don't follow me_.' She stopped in her tracks.

Just as I was walking away Jasper, probably feeling our emotions, came out of the cabin and was walking past me towards Alice. He looked at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen him wear. He could feel what I was feeling and for once I hoped he would take my pain away. I think he attempted to, but he couldn't take it all. He then sped quickly to Alice's side who looked just as distraught as I did. As I closed the cabin door behind me I noticed they were heavily engaged in conversation.

It was just too much. Nothing felt real. I got to my room and didn't even make it to the bed, I slumped down to the floor and curled myself into a ball.

* * *

I must have fallen to sleep. I awoke to feel something laying over me, a blanket someone had placed on me. Still wearing all my winter gear I took off my coat and tried to think. Hours had gone by according to the clock. I thought I was alone until I heard something move in the corner of the room.

"You're awake."

I jolted upright. I was frightened but I wasn't sure why. I had thought about everything Alice said and all the implications that came with it but there still seemed to be a missing section of the puzzle I didn't want to put together.

"Yeah." The only light in the room was some moonlight streaming in through the window. He was sitting in the corner where it was dark, I couldn't see his face but I had known Edward long enough to know which of his worried faces he was wearing.

He moved out of the shadow and started toward me but I instinctively scooted back. It was involuntary and took me by surprise, as it did him. I could feel the hardness of the door pressed to my back. I felt trapped.

"I won't hurt you."

"I'm not so sure about that." I continued to breathe heavy, my adrenaline kicking in. I wanted to run, I wanted to scream but I was absolutely certain my legs didn't have the strength, not that I could actually get away. _Vampires._

"So it's true?" I needed to hear him say it.

"Yes," he looked down.

The next realization hurt me harder than a ton of bricks ever could.

"You knew? Of course you knew." He knew all along, he had to have.

He never looked up. "Yes."

He quickly added, "But I didn't know she was going to do that, Bella, I swear to you. There was too much going on in the clearing and we still had Jane to worry about. _It was after_. After you had gone back to your dad's. I left the reservation and went back to my house to change clothes. Alice was there looking pretty pleased with herself. Once I found out what she did I went crazy. We had it out, the harshest fight we've ever had, the family was split in two.

"Esme was so upset, she was beside herself with worry that I would kill Alice and I wanted to for interfering. I called your house but you had already left for the reservation. It was too late, the damage had been done.

"Don't lay all the blame on Alice, Bella. It wouldn't be fair. I'm just as much to blame. I could have told you. I should have but I was losing you. I knew the second I told you, everything we had would be over. I've told you how selfish vampires can be but you would never believe it. I know you feel betrayed but we're only doing what's in our nature to do. I'm just sorry you were hurt in the process.

"In spite of my nature I managed to be unselfish once, I lived without you once. It's more than I ever thought I could bear. Even a minute in hell is too long, Bella, and I was in it for 6-1/2 months. I vowed not to let you go without a fight, not again. I meant what I said to Jacob, I never promised I'd play fair. I knew I could make you happy again, I was sure of it. And then the lies wouldn't matter. I thought if I just had enough time, I could get him out of your heart. My vanity and arrogance hold no bounds it seems."

I looked into his pleading eyes but it was a stranger looking back. Maybe it was Jasper or maybe it was the lateness of the hour but I was suddenly aware of my exhaustion. Perhaps he could sense my fatigue because he silently got up and walked toward me. He lifted me up - blanket and all - and placed me on the bed, and left the room.

I stayed in that position practically comatose. I could hear Edward and Alice bickering outside the room but I didn't budge. All the secrets were out now, there was no need for discretion. I overheard Edward say, "What were you thinking upsetting her like that? You couldn't possibly have picked a worse time, Alice!" Alice countered with, "It was as good a time as any, Edward. When exactly is it a good time to tell someone that their entire life is a lie?"

They went back and forth for a while, I stopped listening because the voice in my head would trickle thoughts in and became louder than either of theirs. I wanted to blame them, I wanted to hate them. I even wanted to blame the Volturi. But everyone played their part, didn't they? Even me. I looked to Alice for reaffirmation of my feelings for Edward, why did I do that? I never needed it before.

Looking back on it, I knew then things had changed. I knew I loved Jacob more than I ever had but I also knew I loved Edward. I just needed to know that I wasn't being wishy washy or willing to throw a perfectly good relationship away just because of these new feelings. What kind of girl does that? I didn't want to be that kind of girl. So I sacrificed Jacob and my own heart to hold onto an ideal. It's just as much my fault as it is anyone's.

I couldn't think anymore, I couldn't listen to them anymore. I reached over and put my earphones in and listened to my music. Really not wanting to hear any love songs I double-checked the artists. Let's see; Shadows Fall, Slipknot, Flyleaf, yep sounds good. No sappy love songs, thank you, and turned up the music nice and loud. I pulled out one of my specialty candles that I got from Savannah to help me sleep better and keeps the scary dreams away. So far, it's worked pretty well. A minute after lighting it; lavender, sandalwood, and other aromas filled the room.

With all my senses being overloaded I was able to block out everything going on pretty effectively. I closed my eyes and let the scents and guitars work their way into me. I must have fallen asleep because I think I was dreaming, or maybe it was a memory. Maybe it was a dream of a memory. I was back in LaPush standing on the cliffs. Words kept coming into my head, whether it was being spoken or it was my voice I couldn't tell. "_Bury all your secrets in my skin... And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again_..."

I could feel the wind pushing against my back, it was as if it was urging me to jump. Looking out into the cold water I knew what awaited me below, and I didn't care. I had felt this before, all those years ago trying desperately to hear a voice that wasn't real. But this voice was, it was still speaking to me louder and stronger than Edward's did. "_So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there._"

I stood on the cliffs listening to this voice. Whatever it was seemed to know my feelings better than I did. "_You sold me out to save yourself... And I won't listen to your shame. You ran away, you're all the same. Angels lie to keep control... My love was punished long ago, If you still care, don't ever let me know._"

It was then I saw movement in the water. It was Jacob. I saw myself jumping off the cliff, but the words suddenly went quiet and I woke up. The room still had the flickering glow of the candle about it but much less than before, the candle was burning itself out. My playlist finishing is what woke me. I took off my earphones only to hear more silence. It actually worried me.

I walked into the living area only to see Edward and Alice through the window standing outside in the cold, motionless. They didn't appear to be talking but I knew they were probably having a full conversation in their own psychic way.

They both looked at me at the same time and came into the cabin. We all just stood there saying nothing at first. I finally broke the ice.

"Where's Jasper?" Every time I turn around he's gone.

"Patrolling. He wanted to stay, he thought he might be of use but I told him we would work it out," she said.

"Anything new with Demetri?"

"Yes and no," Alice said.

Reading my face, she said, "Demetri hasn't found us yet, but he's getting closer."

"How can that be?"

She looked at Edward and he nodded.

Edward said, "He found a way to track us. That's how he found us at the airport. It's how he'll find us here and how he'll find us anywhere we go. It's me, he's tracking me."

I couldn't believe it. If that's true it's just a matter of time. It didn't matter where we went. My luck just gets better and better. It makes sense he would track Edward, he knows Edward would never leave my side.

"How long do we have?" he asked Alice.

"I'm not sure," she said. "He's trying to understand your mind and he's having a hard time reaching into you, you haven't been yourself lately. He knows you're in Canada but that's all he could get before he lost you again. Fortunately for us Canada is a pretty big place. If you can just keep him busy you might be able to stall him."

"Well considering I don't know how I'm confusing him in the first place that's going to be pretty tough, can you be specific?"

"I told you, Edward, you haven't been yourself lately. You're conflicted," she then looked at me.

"Maybe it'll buy us some time," he said. He didn't sound convinced.

"So what do we do now?" I asked.

Edward walked outside.

I looked at Alice confused. "He's upset because he was hoping to put this off a little longer but given the situation...it's time we moved to Plan B," she explained.

"Plan B?"

"Yes, Plan A worked on the assumption that Demetri was following you, we would just continue to try and stay one step ahead of him at all times. But that's not realistic. He would just chase you and chase you until he wore you down. But since he's tracking Edward, Plan B is your best option, in fact it makes your odds that much better."

This was making me really nervous. "So what is Plan B exactly?"

She said with great hesitation, "We hear Jacob is in Hawaii, Plan B is to send you there so he can protect you. Demetri can't find you, it seems you _are_ blocking his powers. So since you and the Cullens have no connections besides Jacob in Hawaii and since only a few people know Jacob's there and even fewer know how close you two were, the likelihood that Demetri will find you is slim at best. The Volturi don't know about the wolves and don't know we are in league with them. Since Demetri's following Edward, Edward will take him on a wild goose chase and send him to God knows where. That will give us time to figure out what to do next and how to get you out of this predicament once and for all."

I couldn't believe it. Could this be real? Am I finally going to see Jacob again? But would he want to help? After everything that's happened, maybe the last thing he'd want to do is help me yet another time. No, knowing Jacob he would do it, that's just the way he is but I feel awful using him again. I was worried but at the same time I was ecstatic at the idea of seeing him. Just the thought of it gave me butterflies and made me smile.

Alice examined my face, "So I take it you approve."

I laughed and blushed. My eyes then followed where Edward had gone. I looked at Alice and she looked away. She saw what I was about to do.

"Bella, for the record, I am sorry, more than you'll ever know."

"I know, Alice. And someday I possibly will forgive you, but not right now."

"I understand. I'm going to go catch up with Jasper and do some patrolling. I'll let you two have some privacy. We'll call Jacob in the morning, okay?" I nodded my head.

She left and I sat on the couch waiting for Edward to return. When he finally did come back he was a little cool towards me. I had the feeling I knew why. He heard what Alice saw just now, including our conversation at the fire. It was good in a way, I didn't have to explain it all again.

"So I guess that's it, my love," he said.

"I guess so." We didn't say anything for a while.

I didn't want to give the ole "we'll still be friends" speech. It's tired and has been done to death and it doesn't really help to hear it anyway. There were so many things going through my head. I was still angry at both of them for lying to me, but I certainly don't want either of them to get hurt by the Volturi. But we can't continue as we were, Edward and I. I knew we were over the second Alice told me what she did. It was yet another omission, where in a relationship even one is too many. I was also excited at seeing Jacob again but I was just as sad to let something go after it's been in my life for so long. I'll miss Edward. He's been the only constant in my life since I arrived in Forks.

We talked for hours. We finally told each other everything there was to tell and then some, and by the end, there wasn't anything left to tell. We had gone as far as we could go, and even though it was sad - I was at peace with it. _I never thought I would say that... __Ever_.

He hugged me and then took his stuff out of our room and into the guest room. When he finished he came out of my room and looked at me with an expression I couldn't read. He walked into his room and shut the door. With my head in my hands, I cried. It was over, it really was over. It had been such a roller coaster of a day. I was exhausted again. I had my cry and then went to my room and shut the door. I shuffled over to the bed and let myself collapse into it hugging the pillows. As I lie there I watched the flickering of the candle as it struggled to stay lit. It lasted for as long as it could. I watched as the flame got smaller and smaller and then within the blink of an eye it was gone, leaving behind some charred remains and a trail of smoke making shapes as it floated away. I mourned for the fire and for the life it had before it died.

* * *

**A/N:** As you Slipknot fans may recognize I used "Snuff" in this story, it's one of my favorites by them. "Duality" is probably my favorite favorite but I digress. Anyhoo, I tried to blend not only the literal meaning of the lyrics with the events of the story but also as an analogy of their relationship. Sometimes, all that's left are ashes. Just like _Meet me on the Equinox_ states, "Everything ends." So what's up next you ask? Bella's sun returns, YAAAYYYY ! ! ! :)

* * *

_Visit my Facebook page and "Like" __or just say hi__ at www.. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!... Come visit me there if you dare!  
_

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films, places or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


	19. Mystery Friend

**A/N:** Just because I think u guys rock I've added a companion One-Shot story to Waning Moon called, "**Let Me Go.**" It's a Leah story. It's basically what happens after she dropped Jacob off at the airport. I know there's a lot of Leah Lovers out there so this is for you. I hope the timeline of it all doesn't confuse you. As you know Waning Moon is now set three years later but Leah's story is from three years previous, so be aware of that. And just so you know it's not relevant to what's currently going on in Waning Moon, it's just a snippet of what happened after she dropped Jacob off at the airport. You could easily not read it and be fine, I just wanted to finish Leah's story a little bit more than I had. "Mystery Friend" as you'll soon realize picks up where "Snuff" left off.

* * *

**Mystery friend**

"You're going to be late for work," Rebecca taunted.

"I know," Jacob replied crossly, busy trying to find the keys he needed for work. He looked over by the phone, then went to the couch looking under the cushions.

"Look, just because Kimo's your boss doesn't mean you can shirk your duties," she nagged.

"_Shirk,_ who the hell says _shirk_?" he said under his breath. "And Kimo doesn't care if I'm late, Bex, so why do you? _AH!_" he said triumphantly as he finally found his keys that had fallen underneath the couch.

"Because I do that's why and you should, too. He's done a lot for you, the least you could do is set a good example and not make it too blatantly obvious to the entire island he's showing favoritism."

"So what if he is. Besides I do plenty for Kimo and you know it. You're just tired. Go back to bed already." Rebecca had been working the graveyard shift and she hadn't adjusted to her new sleep schedule, yet.

"I was trying to sleep when I heard you tearing around here looking for something. Now that you found em, get to work why don't ya," she said yawning. Jacob mused over Rebecca's appearance. She was quite a sight with her messed up hair and oversized silk pajamas.

"Yes ma'am. Will do, ma'am. Is there anything else, ma'am?"

"You can quit calling me ma'am, you know I hate that," she grumbled.

"Yes sir," he said, giving her a half-hearted salute.

"_Jake, you...AAH!_" She screamed in frustration and reached to grab something. As she turned back around to launch it she realized he was already out the door and leaping off the porch to the safety of the grass below. Undeterred, she ducked her head out the door and yelled, "Grow up Jake!" and slammed the door behind her making the window shudders rattle.

Jacob was laughing to himself as his running took him further and further from the house safely out of range.

Jacob sauntered up to Kimo's Sea & Surf shop at 9:20 a.m. Kimo's shop consisted of swimwear, scuba equipment, surfboards and all the overpriced knickknacks tourists love to buy. Although Kimo's passion was surfing, they made most of their money in scuba.

As he anticipated, Kimo couldn't have cared less about Jacob being late and went straight to the scheduling book at the front desk to see what the day was going to be like. He was making a funny face, deep in concentration when Hina, Jacob's co-worker, walked up behind him and tapped him on one shoulder. As he turned to look she faked him out and popped up behind the other one.

She cleared her throat loudly, "Uh huh hmm, can you move? _Some of us are working here_," dripping with as much sarcasm as she could manage and nudged between Jacob and the counter to see the schedule.

"Ugh! Excuse you, woman," he said, pretending to be angry. Hina, a native Hawaiian who was just as dark as Jacob with classic Hawaiian features, was busy confirming her itinerary. She and Jacob were always verbally sparring but nothing ever came of their playful flirting. Hina had waist-length black hair, the blackest that Jacob had ever seen that seemed to magically change color with the light. When she was inside, it looked to be as dark as midnight but outside, in the sun, it seemed to have several hues all reflecting something different according to whatever angle you were looking. Sometimes appearing purplish, sometimes even casting a greenish-bluish color to match the water. Jacob asked her why her hair seemed so unusual, but she never gave a straight answer. She would reply, "_It's always been that_ way," or _ "Why ask why?_" She appeared to be young and couldn't have been more than 24-25 years old but she seemed so beyond her years. Kimo and Jacob both noticed that every once in a while she would look out into the sea as if searching for something. She always had a far off look in her eyes.

Even though Kimo had a team of 10 people under him, as much as it would please Kimo to see Jacob happy, he wasn't ecstatic at the thought of his two most reliable people developing a romance. Workplace romances scared him. Hina was merely a volunteer and even though Kimo offered to put her on the payroll she refused. Hina didn't offer too much in the way of information about her past, but over time Kimo had learned to trust her. Jacob trusted her, as well. There was an undeniable kinship between them, something he had a hard time putting into words.

Jacob and Hina were both very competent instructors and knew the inventory like the back of their hands. With the surf season starting, business was picking up. A torn rotator cuff put Kimo out of the entire season but his shop kept his spirits up. He was worried about Jacob and Hina's friendship. With the surge of the season coming, this was probably the worst time for complications. Jacob's turbulent split with Randa recently, only proved to Kimo that he'd only end up hurting Hina, too.

"Stop messing around, da customers waiting," Kimo said getting worried.

Hina chuckled and smiled at Jake and walked off to chat with the diving students that had assembled, knowing full well he was watching her. For a moment Jacob forgot what he was doing and lost his place in the scheduling. He had to start all over.

"So what it looking like, brah?" Kimo asked referring to the schedule.

"Busy. I got my first class at 10:00 and then the advanced open water class at 2:00 and then take them all out to Turtle Canyons to get certified around 5:00. It's gonna be tight_._"

"You stay working too hard. I going try for get someone else for help you. Put off the certs, mmkay."

"Nah, I'd like to just get it over with, and the class would, too. There's a few nervous Nellies in there that should get tested ASAP."

"You want help with dat?"

"Nah, I got this. That's why you pay me the big bucks remember, so you can get home to that crazy wife of yours," he said with a sardonic grin.

"I pay you choke cause you always stay working hard and people like you. _Lotsa people_."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jacob wrinkled his forehead in confusion.

"Ho, calm down killa, take it easy on the Hina, uh. She stay young girl yet."

"What are you talking about 'young,' she's older than me, _I think_. Besides we're just goofing around, she knows that."

"Jake, watch out brah, no mix business with pleasure. The word stay out about you."

Jacob scoffed, "You're exaggerating."

"Try look at your students, anything stay different?" Kimo nudged toward the front window. A group of 15-20 people were standing around looking anxious. Kimo wanted Jacob to notice what had completely escaped Jacob's attention. He hadn't fully realized it until just now but all of his students were women, _young_ women. In fact, now that he thought of it his second class was nearly all women, too, and so on and so on. Women of all ages, even ones who were married. Some were there with their husbands who just looked pissed off half the time.

"Wow," Jake said. Kimo looked at him harshly. "I-I mean... eh never mind. I get your point. Don't molest the customers."

"Or Hina."

"Or Hina," Jake agreed. It didn't matter anyway because although she was gorgeous and they got along well, he didn't actually think of her that way, not really. Hina was fun and liked to cause trouble, and their flirting had become commonplace but neither made any real attempts at starting something.

Jacob felt sure he could behave although he didn't really have a whole lot of success at that in the past. Jacob quickly shook himself back to the present. _Your job, concentrate on your job_, he thought and went back to organizing his schedule.

* * *

The day was fairly hectic and passed by quickly. Hina drove the charter out to different spots along the coast with different groups while Jacob encouraged his nervous students. As Jacob's assistant, when she wasn't driving the boat she aided him with distributing the tanks and other equipment. She knew her job extremely well and was always professional around the students.

The first class went off without a hitch. The second class, however, a more advanced class, was more interesting. This was their final class before getting certified so everyone was more nervous than usual. You could cut the tension with a knife. Like always, the men's eyes never failed to follow Hina everywhere she went and this made Jacob smile slightly, in amusement. The wives, however, weren't as amused.

However, the wives were having secret fantasies of their own about their intrepid instructor. Every time Jacob took his shirt off just before a dive all the women forgot how to breathe, some had to avert their eyes altogether as though the person next to them could see right through them. Some blushed.

Jacob was good about pretending not to notice. After his last group came up for air and they had all boarded the boat to return to the dock when Hina answered a call on the radio.

"Ariel, Ariel, Ariel, this is Triton, _over_."

Hina replied, "Triton, this is Ariel, _over_."

"Jake has a phone call from the mainland, they said it was urgent and they need him to call back immediately. Are you guys nearly done, _over?_"

"Yes we just finished and we're pulling up anchor as we speak, _over_." Hina looked at Jake who was listening in. A worried look came over his face.

It took Jacob just a second's time to reach the mic Hina offered him.

"This is Jacob. What's wrong, Kimo? Who called? _Over_." The first thought to go through his mind of course was Billy. He instantly chided himself for not being home with his old man. He thought Billy was in good health but knowing how Harry Clearwater suddenly died he couldn't rule anything out. What if he had had an accident? What if he couldn't get up and no one was around? It only took Kimo a second or two to answer but it was an agonizing two seconds.

"They didn't say. Just that it was very important and left a number for you to call, _over_."

This was actually good news in a way. If it had been his dad or about his dad they would have told Kimo. Whatever it was is apparently pretty important but at least it's not as bad as he thought. Jacob breathed normally again.

"We're heading back now. Ariel out."

Hina looked at him with concern but he dismissed it.

"Whatever it is can't be nearly as bad as what I thought. It's cool," and he put his hand on her shoulder, which seemed to instantly make her relax. She smiled and this made him feel better, too.

After they returned, Jacob finished up the paperwork and printed the certificates and then quickly went about handing them out, congratulating everyone. They all passed with flying colors.

Jacob and Hina finished prepping the charter for the next time they were to take it out. As they walked back to the shop Hina asked, "So Jake, you wanna go get something to eat? We should celebrate another successful class. We can go to that steak place you like."

"Sure, but I gotta make a call first."

"Okay. I'm going to go get ready, and I'll meet you at your house."

* * *

After Hina left, Jacob found where Kimo had left the message and looked at the number. He didn't have the foggiest idea who this could be.

"Area code 867?" he scoffed. "Where the hell is that?" he said aloud. _It better not be somebody trying to sell me something_, he thought annoyed. He dialed the number. The phone rang.

"Hello?" said a woman's voice.

"Uh hello, this is Jacob Black speaking, someone from this number called me?"

He heard a pause and what sounded like the phone being passed to another person and occasional murmuring.

"Hello?" he repeated.

"I-I'm here, I'm here," a different female voice said. "Jake, it's me."

Jacob couldn't believe it.

"Bella?"

"Yes," she said hesitantly. "Hi. Um, how are you?"

Even though he tried to think he simply couldn't, his mind went blank. He realized she asked a question.

"Oh, uh, I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm good, I guess."

Jacob then heard Bella say something to someone next to her:

"_I don't know what to say, how do I possibly say this?"_

"_Just ask him, Bella, he's waiting_," the female voice said.

"Oh um, yeah sorry bout that. Jake, I need to talk about something incredibly important, and urgent. It's a long story and I really can't get into the details right now but I need your help. I'm in trouble, Jake." She struggled to get each word out.

He shook his head and thought, _When aren't you in trouble, Bells_. "What's wrong?"

"I really can't discuss it all right now. You can say no if you want but I really hope you say yes. It's the Volturi, Jake. They're coming for me."

Her voice was thick with fear. He had only heard the word, Volturi, a few times and didn't expect to ever hear it again. He had even forgotten the importance of it. He quickly realized she wouldn't have called for just any reason. She was asking something specific but couldn't bring herself to ask it. It surprised him to know, after all this time, how just saying her name and hearing her voice could make him feel. But he remembered all too clearly how these last few years felt and what led him here. After what he's been through, he wouldn't let her into his life again no matter what. He was absolutely certain of this.

"What do you need from me, Bells?" He hit his forehead with his palm. He couldn't stop himself, the words just tumbled out of his mouth.

After a slight pause, "Sanctuary?" she said nervously. "I don't know for how long. We feel it would be best to stay with you until, well, until we figure something out."

_We_. The disappointment he felt surprised him although he wasn't sure why. _She's still with Cullen_, he thought. He scolded himself for letting himself forget the obvious. How could he forget something like that?

"I don't think so, Bella. If it was just you, we might have been able to-"

"It is just me, no one else is coming."

_No one else? She didn't even sound sad when she said that, _he thought._ Maybe I'm just imagining things_. He wanted to ask where Cullen was and why the leech couldn't protect her. Jacob knew he was the last guy Cullen would ask for help especially when it came to Bella. _Things must be really bad._

Jacob didn't understand any more now than when the conversation started but one thing he did get was how the thought of seeing her again made him feel. Hearing her voice again, her human voice, filled him with a satisfaction and a yearning he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Okay. I've got to clear this all with Rebecca and Kimo first, of course, but I'm sure they'll be all right with it," Jacob lied. He wasn't sure of that at all.

_Kimo won't care but Rebecca's gonna have a serious bitch fit when she hears this_.

Rebecca was at Sam's wedding and saw as much of Jacob's farewell dance with Bella as she could stand. Plus, she's heard everything there is to hear from their dad and other sources. Rebecca hasn't seen Bella in years and in spite of their friendly beginning she's grown a pretty healthy dislike for her. To be brutally honest, Rebecca hated her. _This is going to be tricky_, he thought.

"Really? oh, I'm so glad," she sounded relieved. "I promise I won't get in the way, I'll cook, I'll clean, do errands, whatever you guys need me to do I'll do it. I'll even sleep on the floor and I won't complain. I don't want to be a bother."

"It's fine Bella, really. When do you think you'll get here?"

"I'm on a payphone at the airport now actually. I was waiting for your call. I'll let you know soon. I don't know how to thank you, Jacob. _Really_. It'll be good to see you again."

She sounded happy when she said that and he found himself smiling. This sounded like the Bella he's always known. It made him happy to hear it again, but he knew he had to be wary still. History tends to repeat itself.

After a long pause he said, "Let me know as soon as you can," sounding nonchalant. "Take care."

"You too."

They hung up and Jacob just stood there at the counter, stunned. About 20 different emotions, thoughts and questions cycled constantly in his head. It took him a little bit to recover, enough to grab his keys and paperwork and head out the door.

* * *

He walked slowly through the screen door of his house. The house was deserted. Kimo was out visiting friends and Rebecca had already gone to work. Good thing, too, because he wasn't ready to tell her about Bella with her being testier than usual. _Bella's coming_. He just couldn't believe it. No matter how many times he repeated it, it didn't seem real. He then quickly wondered how this would work. They only have three bedrooms, one is Kimo's and Becca's, one is his and the other one's the study which is actually more of a storage room. It wasn't a big house and the rooms were small. Then there's the couch.

_I could put Bella in my bed and_..._wait... that didn't sound right_, he thought. This filled him with nervous energy. _Okay focus_, he thought. Once he got some of the logistics figured out, he heard a knock at the door. He answered it.

"Hi, uh, are you ready?" Hina asked, quickly noticing that he looked exactly as he did at the shop.

Jacob gasped out loud. "Hina! Holy crap I completely forgot!"

"_You forgot_? It takes like five minutes to get from the shop to your house, and you _forgot_?"

"Yeah," cringing at how bad that sounded. "It's a long story but I got some news and I guess I uh, oh forget it, _I'm sorry_. Just gimme a sec and I'll be right out, okay? Be right back."

He was hurrying around getting his clothes together and into the shower.

Hina was left in the living room to sit and wait. She looked at her watch. She now felt really stupid for rushing around and getting dressed just to wait for who knows how long.

"Okay I'm ready."

She did a double take. "You're ready already? It's only been four minutes."

Hina, of course, didn't know anything about the wolves or the reasons for his leaving home. Jacob completely forgot how getting ready at a super fast amount of time might look to her. Talking to Bella must have gotten him completely frazzled, he realized.

"Uh, yeah, I uh, well you know how it is when you're in a hurry. So are you ready? You are? Good, let's go."

His manic energy made Hina look at him curiously, then skeptically.

Jacob was distracted most of the evening. He tried to be engaging but the conversation was virtually one-sided. Anytime Hina would ask a question Jacob would say, "Huh" or "Sorry, what did you say?" He did confess that an old friend was coming to visit but he didn't go into details. Ironically, this was the most he had ever talked about his past to her. She tried a few times over the last couple of years to get him to open up but he always froze up and changed the subject.

She hoped this mystery friend's visit would be a good thing. _Who is this friend and why is he so anxious about them? _she wondered_. Well whoever it is_ _maybe they can get Jake to relax a little,_ she hoped. _They can't possibly make it worse. Least, I hope not._

* * *

_**A/N**:_ Again, big thanks to my girl, Jakejunkie, for pre-reading for me. Jakejunkie asked me the same thing you're all probably wondering, "Why so much info about Hina?" Well she's about to be a very important person to this story, an original character who's function here will be revealed shortly. All in due time.

* * *

_Visit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!… Come visit me there if you dare!_

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


	20. Into The Light

**A/N:** It's the moment of truth. Enjoy :)

* * *

**Into the light**

* * *

_Be cool. Be cool. She's just a girl. Just a girl like any girl_, he thought.

He continued to breathe a little faster than normal. He could feel his heart beating _way_ faster than normal. Perspiration was building over his forehead and upper lip that he quickly wiped away. _Yeah, she's just a girl_.

Jacob arrived at the airport 45 minutes early. A huge mistake as it turns out because now he had all this time to kill. He would have tried to keep himself busy and come later but there was no way he could concentrate on anything. _Bella's coming_. He couldn't stop himself from thinking these words.

With loads of time still, Jacob paced the airport hallways. He got a soda. He got some food but realized he was too nervous to eat and threw it away. He got another soda. Back and forth. This went on for a while.

According to the schedule Bella's plane was on time. He waited in the designated area and continued to pace. He would chew on his nails if he had any left.

He tried sitting, but when his legs continued to fidget and bounce around he got up to pace again. He did this several times.

All this didn't go unnoticed.

"You look nervous," an older man in his 50's said, slightly amused.

Jacob nodded, "I am."

"Might I ask who you're waiting for?"

Never slowing his pace, "A girl I know from back home. I haven't seen her in a while."

"Ahh, _a girl_. That would explain it, " the man chuckled.

"What? Explain what?"

"The nervousness, the '_can't sit still for even a minute'_ dance you're doing. You look like you're going to jump out of your skin, boy. Only a girl can turn a man to Jello like this. Old girlfriend?"

Jacob stopped pacing. "What? No she's...I mean... No, nothing like that. We're friends, we're just friends, okay."

"Okay, if you say so," the man said skeptically.

This guy was starting to get on Jacob's nerves.

"Which flight is she on?"

Even though he had the number memorized by now he looked back up at the board, "Uh, Flight 1864."

That seemed to appease the curious man for when Jacob told him the flight number the man looked at the arrival time and then to his watch. _Ten minutes,_ the man thought to himself. _I hope this kid doesn't die of a heart attack before then._

Seeing how much time was left and how nervous Jacob was the man decided to leave him alone, which suited Jacob just fine. Although usually amiable, he wasn't in a conversational mood. Too much was going through his mind.

Rebecca didn't react too kindly to the news that _company_ was coming at the last minute. She wasn't the best housekeeper and preferred to know in advance when company came. Rebecca doesn't like surprises, never has. On top of that this wasn't just a visit. Bella was going to be staying with them for who knows how long. This gave them no time to prepare. Add all that to how Rebecca is normally and that explains Jacob's restless night. Then he had to hear her go on and on about how she really hates Bella coming to live with them and how she refuses to go along with it. It was all Jacob could take. He stormed out of the house in the middle of the night and didn't come back until two hours later. By then Rebecca had gone to bed and only Kimo was awake.

Jacob found out that Kimo had calmed Rebecca down enough to see reason. She still wasn't happy about Bella coming but she promised she would try to behave herself while Bella was here. With Rebecca's tortuous work schedule she would hardly see Bella anyway. Jacob figured as long as Bella stayed out of Rebecca's hair, all would be fine. He realized he was probably deluding himself but he was okay with that.

Jacob yawned a huge yawn and tried to see the arrival times through tired eyes. He did a double take. _Two minutes!_ He had lost track of the time.

He began to pace again. His heart felt like it was going to crash through his chest.

Bella's flight wasn't the only one to come in. Two other flights arrived within minutes of each other unloading scores of passengers, all looking tired but excited, some wearing the customary leis passengers get when they get off the plane. After several minutes he noticed there was a huge rush of people coming down the corridor. Being very tall helped a lot. He scanned back and forth all along the huge hall feeling disappointment with each brunette that turned out to be someone else. Then for a brief moment he saw the top of a brown-haired girl's head that made his heart skip a beat. It had to be her, the scent was undeniable.

People continued to weave in and out obscuring his view. Then as luck would have it, she disappeared behind three very large men. No matter which way he arched his neck he couldn't see around them. Exasperated, Jacob couldn't wait anymore. He moved toward the area he last saw her and by the time he got around the passengers she was gone. Confusion and frustration set in. He thought maybe he had been wrong, he wondered if he had the wrong flight number when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He turned and looked down to see her standing before him, smiling up at him.

"Hey, remember me?" she said breathless.

"Bella!"

Without another word from either of them he picked her up and held her to him, swinging her around. Bella wrapped her arms around his neck and held on, shrieking with delight as he spun her.

In spite of what his instincts told him he remembered to be careful and held onto her like she was made of porcelain. He couldn't believe she was here. _Finally_.

It felt so good to see her, she was really here -_ in his arms._ He then realized, "Uh oh, I think I'm crushing your lei," he said into her neck, still hugging her tight.

"No you didn't," she said shaking her head. "I'm holding it. I had a feeling this might happen," grinning into his neck.

He grinned even wider pressing her harder to him. He looked over her shoulder to see a few pre-teens gawking and giggling to each other. He thought maybe he should put her down but the death grip she had on him made that impossible. He gently patted her back.

"Hey, I'm going to put you down, okay?"

"Do you have to?" she said begrudgingly. He thought he felt her grip tighten.

A smile escaped Jacob's lips and he squeezed her tighter instead, rubbing her back and breathing her in. He darted another look over to the giggling girls who continued to snicker louder, texting furiously. Feeling self-conscious he said, "I think I'd better before we become a featured video on youtube."

Bella laughed.

He plopped her down to her feet and stepped back to look at her, taking in all the changes.

Her hair was shorter, the shortest he had ever seen it. He didn't know if this was a consequence of her situation or her wanting a new look but he liked it. The shoulder-length layers suited her, more grown up. She looked tired but figured it was from the flight. But tired or not, to Jacob she was the most exquisite creature ever born. The sight of her adoring eyes looking up at him filled him with such emotion. Her scent, the softness of her hair, remembering the warmth of her body next to his made him ache to touch her again.

Bella noticed some things, too. She looked into Jacob's face and saw the same old Jacob, extraordinarily tall with the same gorgeous smile, but something about him was different. She quickly dismissed it, remembering how he looked the last time she had seen him when he looked gaunt and almost sickly. It was good seeing him look so healthy and fit again. His tan had deepened, and he wore a necklace of a shark's tooth surrounded by wood and shell beads worn close to his neck just under his Adam's apple. She wondered if he made this, too. He was still massive she noticed. The shirt he wore clung to his body like it was made to detail every inch of his torso. Bella couldn't help but appreciate this. She could see every muscle and hollowed curve her eyes fell on. The grin she was so used to seeing him wear and had fallen in love with had thankfully returned, but there was something about him she just couldn't put her finger on. She continued to stare at him trying to figure it out: _Maybe it's his hair, it is longer than normal,_ she thought, a_ razor cut, or maybe he's just gained weight since last time. No, that's not it._ _Something's different._

It was a lot to take in all at once, overwhelming actually; the excitement of the day, new places, so many people. Their eyes connected and feeling so happy to see each other again, they put their questions and wonderings aside and wrapped each other in a quick hug. Squeezing harder than last time, Bella didn't care if she broke, and Jacob being much more practiced now, made sure she didn't.

Pulling apart, "It's so good to see you" he said with eyes smiling.

"You too," she said unable to tear her eyes away from his.

Neither of them noticed at first but all the arriving passengers had moved along. None of the passengers Bella had grown accustomed to seeing on the plane, nor even the old man Jacob was talking to remained in the hall. It was just them, for now. Even the flight attendants and pilots abandoned their posts and were hurrying past the reunited pair.

They both realized even without a crowd to crush them anymore they were still standing very close, holding onto each other. It stirred something inside him, something familiar. He was the first to break the moment.

"So..." He let go of her, looking away.

"So..." she said. She wondered why he stopped so abruptly.

"Well, we should get your bags," he said finally.

Bella nodded. "Yeah, good idea."

In spite of their joyful reunion there was an awkwardness between them. Jacob only had about a million and one questions but didn't feel the airport was the right place for any of them. He grabbed the carry-on she was toting and slung it over his shoulder as if it weighed nothing, while instinctively taking her hand in his, leading her.

She took a step or two and then paused, looking at their hands. When she stopped, he did also.

"Oh I'm sorry," he said and instantly let go. "I don't know why I did that. I guess... old habits die hard." _Things are weird enough without me making it weirder_, he thought.

"It's okay. I don't know why I didn't notice at first, either."

Feeling tense again, they both said in unison, "The bags."

They chit chatted through the halls. They chit chatted while waiting for her bags at the luggage carousel. They chit chatted about the weather and the island and even her flight. By the time they were just about to leave the airport they had run out of chit chat.

As they walked, Jacob then saw something and turned to face her, "Oh, I almost forgot, I want to show you something before we leave."

Bella looked at him curiously.

Jacob turned from the direction of the main exits and went into another part of the airport with Bella following him. Bella noticed the signs but didn't think that's where they were heading until they reached the glass doors and walked outside into the sun. The open air environment of the Honolulu Airport Gardens and the warm Hawaiian breeze took Bella's breath away. She was glad to be outside again to thaw, airports always feel like you're inside a refrigerator. She automatically tilted her face up to the sun to let it bathe her. It rejuvenated her in a way she didn't allow herself to acknowledge she was missing before, not for a long time. She had missed the sun.

Before them were steps that led down to a serenity path that traversed the entire garden. The lush green flora of the Japanese garden was different from the green she'd become accustomed to in Washington. Nothing here was covered in moss unless it was intentional. Amidst the trees, ferns, and some impressive palm fronds were colorfully distinctive looking flowers that ironically looked like aliens from another world, ironic because unlike the flowers, _she really was_ an alien from another world. The colors were so intense that she failed to notice the smells around her. A light breeze moved past her and brought with it the aromatic mixture of earthy soil, luscious green plants, her own lei that she had all but forgotten about, and the sea, which was on the other side of the airport.

Jacob took the lei from her hand and gently placed it over her head onto her shoulders. "Aloha," smiling warmly and placed a small peck on her cheek. As the lei rested gently in his hand, he said, "They're made from fresh plumeria. Here, smell." He bunched the flowers up into his hand lightly pressing it to her nose and cheek. Bella moved her head lightly back and forth letting the flowers caress her face.

The softness of the petals against her skin soothed her and the smell was just as he described - smelling of florals, peaches and citrus but there was also a hint of something else just as intoxicating. Mixed in with the flowers was a slight musky scent with just a faint hint of something familiar, something masculine and rugged. This hypnotic combination made her close her eyes, entranced. Realizing what it was, her heart fluttered and she gasped.

"What's wrong," he asked. "You don't like it?"

"I, of course I do, I love flowers," turning away from him blushing.

"Do you come here often?" She knew that was stupid but anything to distract Jacob from the fact that it was _his_ scent that was now making her perspire.

Jacob chuckled. "To the airport? Uh on occasion. Oh I see, you're wondering why out of all of Hawaii I would bring you _here_?"

Turning back to face him, "Well now that you mention it, yeah. I mean it's beautiful and all but..."

"But not exactly on most people's travel itinerary, huh," he said smiling. "Well maybe it should be. Bella, I brought you here because to me, THIS is Hawaii."

She looked at him like he was crazy. "Okay."

"No, no, no. Ok listen. Have you ever been to the islands before?"

She shook her head no.

"I brought you here to sort of help you get into the mindset. People come here with preconceived notions all the time. What people don't get is things are different here, slower. Most people aren't prepared for how laid back it is. If there's any place on Earth you can stop and smell the roses, it's Hawaii. This is just my little introduction to Hawaiian thinking so you can transition better, to learn to slow down and take it all in. But I don't know why I felt the need to try. You're different than most people, you never had a problem with adjusting to things. You're already the most casual person I know," he said smiling. "I guess I just wanted to make sure you enjoyed your time here."

_Maybe even be temped to stay,_ he thought.

Bella smiled gratefully.

"I know you're here under what I can only imagine are some pretty bad circumstances, but I won't let anything happen to you." Jacob stepped close enough to wrap his warm hands around her shoulders, his thumbs caressing her skin. "You're safe here."

"Wow," she said. "Are you really Jacob Black? You seem so..._grown up_. When did that happen?" she joked.

He grinned his mischievous grin. "Hmm, well let's see..." and looked at his watch.

Bella laughed and so did he.

"I've missed you," Bella said biting her lip in true Bella fashion.

"I've missed you too, Bells." He wondered if it was weird how just watching Bella bite her lip made him happy. "So without further ado, let's get ya home."

Stuffing Bella's bags into his sister's Prius was a challenge. "I didn't know you had so many clothes, Bella," he grunted.

Bella grimaced, "Yeah I don't really. Most of that's Alice's. She loaned them to me. She knew I didn't have any summer clothes, nothing recent anyway and well, she's got more clothes than Macy's."

"Dang!" The entire car moved as Jacob put in the last suitcase and using his super strength to get them to fit. He even had to pull it all out at one point, rearrange them and reload them, making Bella cringe.

"Okay!" he exclaimed and put the trunk lid down. He hopped into the car and they were on their way. "Here we go!"

Jacob pulled out of the parking lot and handed the parking ticket to the attendant.

While waiting for his turn to pull into traffic he asked, "So do you want to go straight to the house or take a detour?"

"A detour?" Bella yawned.

"Yeah you know, to see the sights?"

"I think to the house. I would love to see everything there is to see, and I will, but I've been flying nonstop for, well, a day," she snickered.

"A day, a whole day?"

Bella nodded.

_That's why she looks so tired_, he thought. "Why would it take a whole day to fly from Washington to here?"

"It wouldn't, _if_ I had started out from Washington."

"What do you mean, where _did_ you fly out from?"

Bella sighed, "Canada, the Northwest territories to be exact."

"Why in the hell were you all the way up there?"

"Oh Jacob, it's a looong story." She looked so weary as she said this, as if just saying the sentence aged her 10 years. Jacob pursed his lips. There were so many questions to ask, some really important, some not so important. But he wanted to know. He needed to know everything she could tell him even if it was hard to hear.

He let out a sound like he knew he was in for one hell of a tale. He gripped the wheel just a little tighter than normal.

"The traffic around the airport's unforgivably slow this time of day," he said. "Plus it takes a good 35-40 minutes to get to Haleiwa."

He shrugged his shoulders, "I'm listening."

Bella closed her eyes and let her head fall gently against the headrest. She let out a sigh and said, "Where do I begin?"

"Wherever you want."

Bella sat in silence for a few minutes before speaking again. "Have I ever told you about Demetri?"

Jacob arched a curious eyebrow.

* * *

_**A/N:** Thanks Jakejunkie for giving me some great insight and for helping me give this chapter the "oomph" it was needing. I appreciate it! Readers: This is just your first dose of Jacob & Bella. There's more to come...much, much more :D_

* * *

_Visit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www.. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!… Come visit me there if you dare!_

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


	21. An Interesting Day

**A/N:** I dedicate this chapter to Ms. Rosmaria, for her unfailingly generous PM's, comments and reviews. She has never failed to bring a smile to my face with her enthusiasm and encouragement. You're awesome! :)

* * *

**An Interesting Day**

* * *

Bella was methodical and thorough just the way Jacob hoped she'd be. A few times she would stare off into the distance while telling her tale. Jacob thought maybe she was seeing something of interest that caught her attention, but he soon realized she hadn't seen any of the scenery since she began her epic journey into past events. The light in her eyes seemed to fade, especially when she would talk about Edward. It seems with each untold truth she stumbled upon, a little piece of her was chipped away. She didn't cry, she didn't even look sad - at least not like before when he left her - not even when she recounted their breakup. She just looked...drained.

Jacob readied himself for the possibility that Bella might still want Edward back, even though breaking up was her idea. She could also be in shock still, it _was_ an awful lot to deal with in a short amount of time. But she seemed resigned about the breakup. He would worry about Bella if he thought it would help, but Jacob knew she would pull through this. _If it were anyone else though..._

Jacob knew if anyone else had gone through the things she had they would have had a mental breakdown by now. But not _his Bells_. Jacob had always admired Bella's strength, that innumerable, immeasurable inner strength she seemed to have that kept her going and allowed her to love people even when they've disappointed her. And how her unshakable faith in those she loves and her ability to forgive and forget made him love her that much more. This ability never ceased to amaze him even to this day. However, as it turns out, even Bella had a breaking point.

_For Bella to willingly break up with that jerk...it must have been really bad for her to EVER do that,_ he thought. Jacob never said a word, he knew better. He sat motionless and expressionless. There would even be times during Bella's story that sounded like she wasn't really talking _to_ _him _anymore. It seemed to spill out of her like it had no where else to go. A flood of information that sometimes wouldn't make sense to him, it was as if she was saying it for her own benefit. She needed to hear it out loud.

"And that's how the idea to come here happened," she said, finally, taking a deep breath.

Jacob nodded his head a little in acknowledgment. Neither spoke for a few more minutes. It was a lot to take in.

The sun had begun to set and was turning a beautiful shade of orange and pink with hues of blue quickly chasing it. Any other day Jacob would be sitting out on the water or on the beach watching it with some friends, but today he didn't notice. Jacob pulled into the driveway and turned off the engine. He turned to look at Bella who had become very quiet and saw she had fallen asleep, resting for the first time in who knows how long.

Her long bangs had fallen into her face. He was tempted to move it back but was afraid it might wake her. Looking at her exhaustion reminded him of the anger he felt towards the bloodsuckers. He turned and sat straight in his seat again, gripping the steering wheel, giving the gravity of his newfound knowledge a chance to sink in.

_Those bastards,_ he thought, angrily. It was all he could do to keep his temper in check.

_What is wrong with them? __Why do they have to interfere with everything? Who the hell do they think they are? _

_They knew. They knew all this time that Bella had changed her mind. They knew and they didn't say anything. The psychic lied, she lied to Bells. And Mr. Wonderful lied, too. _

It infuriated Jacob that they would go to such lengths to manipulate her. It's taken him all this time to come to terms with what happened. Even though he disagreed and hated her decision - and had felt the effects of it everyday since – he felt like he could live with it because it was what _she_ wanted. He was a big boy, he could live with losing. But to realize that those monsters completely changed the game using every conniving trick available…it was too much. Jacob hadn't lost, he was cheated. He and Bella both had been cheated. _That_ was something he could never live with.

He could feel his breathing become rapid, his hands squeezing the leather-bound wheel until it creaked and groaned under the pressure. The muscles in his forearms bulged as they flexed and tightened. He wanted to rip the steering wheel right out of the dashboard but knew his sister wouldn't be too happy about that. He needed to take a few more cleansing breaths to calm himself.

He continued to concentrate on slowing his breathing, but every time he calmed down he would think about the lies, the lost time, the danger they've put Bella in, and finally, being separated from everyone back home..._all because of them_. He didn't think it was possible to hate them more.

And now this, using Jacob yet again as a backup plan when their "perfect" escape plan failed. The gall! It took him several more minutes to finally calm himself down enough to get out of the car and walk around to the other side. He unbuckled her seatbelt and pulled a sleeping Bella into his arms closing the door behind him and walked up to the house. She sleepily snuggled into his chest, murmuring something.

He knew the creaking screen door was going to be a problem but there was no way around that. But as tired as she was he felt she'd fall back to sleep if it did wake her. He opened the door, quickly letting himself inside, slipped out of his flip flops and caught the door before it banged shut. Kimo and Rebecca were in the kitchen cooking dinner, laughing and teasing each other.

Rebecca rounded the corner saying, "Well it's about time you got here, I was beginning to-" Her eyes grew wide when she saw Bella in Jacob's arms.

Jacob quickly shushed her.

Bella stirred but didn't wake. He adjusted her so she fell naturally into the crook of his arm, allowing him to cradle her easier and walked on to his bedroom.

On entering the room it was dark, but thankfully his night vision is better than most people's vision on their best day. He navigated the room easily and laid her down onto his bed, took off her shoes and pulled the sheet over her. She made a sleepy sound of contentment, which made him smile. He straightened up and folded his arms. He couldn't stop looking at her. Her hair had fallen onto her face again and he gently placed it behind her ear. She, again, mumbled something but nothing he could make out. He wondered if she was dreaming. He decided to leave the closet light on, closing the door most of the way to provide a little light for when she woke during the night. She would have no idea of the layout of the room much less the house in total darkness. _Knowing Bella it won't matter anyway. Crazy girl falls over her own feet half the time,_ he chortled lightly. He went to leave the room but just before leaving he turned to look at her once more sleeping soundly in his bed. A feeling of fullness filled his heart and he felt his eyes and nose sting. He vowed then and there that nothing bad will happen to her ever again, not if he had anything to say about it. Allowing himself to feel the swell of emotion that had been building up, he said quietly, "Thank you God. Thank you for watching over her." He dabbed at his eyes, and quietly left the room.

* * *

"So how's she doing? She's been asleep for days now," Rebecca asked.

"Twelve hours, thank you very much. I know it's a long time..." Jacob said, unconcerned, "but she'll sleep till she's tired of sleeping, okay. Let her be."

Rebecca put her hands up like she was surrendering, "Okay, whatever. I was just thinking that since you already took today off and tomorrow, maybe you should tell Kimo when you plan to work again, that's all."

"For your information I've already asked for a few days off and he gave me the whole week. _Kimo's cool about that kind of stuff_."

The implication wasn't lost on her.

"Okay, great," she said, picking up her keys and headed for the door.

"And she's fine by the way, thanks for your concern," Jacob said sarcastically.

Rebecca sneered at him and left to go to work.

Jacob let out a sigh and went back to work in the kitchen.

A few moments later, he heard a tiny, "Hey."

He looked quickly over his shoulder, "Hey! She's awake!"

Bella looked like she literally just woke up and came into the kitchen. Her hair was messy and she still had on the clothes she wore from the day before.

The smell of food cooking led her to the kitchen. Her stomach began to rumble.

"Hungry?" he asked.

She smiled, "Yeah, actually."

"That's good, that's a good sign."

Jacob turned back to his sausages, giving Bella a chance to rub the sleep out of her eyes. She tried to flatten her hair some but realized it was a lost cause.

"So what's on the menu? It smells amazing!"

"Chorizo, eggs and rice. Want some? If not, I can fix bacon, hashbrowns, uh, you're out of luck if you want an omelet. Every time I've tried, it just ends up being scrambled eggs with stuff in it. Still edible though."

Bella laughed at that. "Anything's fine, really."

"Oh yeah, there's also some fruit in the bowl over there, and I think Rebecca keeps some yogurt hidden in the back of the fridge, too. _Pfssh_, yeah, like she really has to worry about us guys snatching it," Jacob rolled his eyes. "Geesh, no danger there."

Bella giggled, "Some fruit and yogurt sounds good, but then again your food _smells_ great. I'm at a loss."

Jacob grinned mischievously, "Why not both? How hungry are you?"

"Starving!" she said with widened eyes.

He chuckled, "A girl with a healthy appetite, that's what I like to hear. Both it is!"

* * *

After they had their breakfast feast, Bella felt like she may have eaten too much and decided to hang around the house, so Jacob left for work to drop off some papers and check in with the instructor who was filling in for him to get him updated on his students.

Hina greeted him in the shop.

"Well, well, well, look who's back," she said, teasingly.

"Just for a minute, I gotta give Dave my papers, let him know which students need extra attention and then I'm out."

"Ah, I see, back to your staycation ay? How's your friend by the way?" she asked, twirling her pen around her fingers.

"She's…_she's good_. Tired mostly, she had a long trip."

He had to be careful how he talked about Bella around Hina. Hina was naturally inquisitive and always seemed to figure things out. She was both smart and suspicious, not a good mixture if you're someone with a secret. Any slip at all would be enough for Hina to know something was up.

"What's her name, again?"

"Be..." Jacob caught himself. "eth...Beth, her name is Beth. Elizabeth actually, Beth for short."

Hina raised her eyebrows slightly. "Ah. Will you bring her in some time? I'd like to meet her."

"Sure, sure," Jacob was doing his best to be casual.

"How long is she staying?"

"Oh, a week - a few weeks, maybe longer. It's hard to say."

"That's kind of a long time for a vacation, isn't it?"

"Is it? Oh well, she's kind've checking out the island actually, she mentioned wanting to live here and wanted to get a feel for the place before she planted roots, you know."

"So she's never been here before?"

"No."

Hina giggled, "Well, why would she want to live here if she's never been here before?" she said with a curious expression.

"Uh...you know, I really don't know the answer to that," he laughed uncomfortably. "Uh, I gotta go, Hina. I'll bring her by tomorrow...or something."

"Okay, laters," she said, looking at Jacob suspiciously.

Jacob got out of there as fast as he could, breathing a sigh of relief. His stupid story had begun to unravel, and so did he. He thought he'd better hurry and get back before something else went wrong.

* * *

Bella wandered around the house. It looked just like every other house she'd ever been in except for the artwork. The walls were a plain off-white and the wooden floors were bare, except for a few throw rugs, but the furniture and paintings were all bright and cheery. Most of the furniture was wicker with brightly colored cushions, but the real eye popping feature of the room, maybe even the whole house, was the wall adjacent to the front door. It showed a beautifully painted mural that was breathtaking. There were no edges, it was as if it opened up into a dream world in which you were allowed to peek in. It was of a beach scene and on the beach were three little children playing in the surf. They all looked dark-complected with long black hair and couldn't have been more than five years old. One child looked like she was making sand castles, another was helping her and one was playing in the water kicking the incoming tide as it washed over her feet, the kicked up spray going up into the air. It was serene, yet so cheerful. Bella couldn't help but smile. The idea that there are little children playing in the surf without a care in the world was beautiful. She wondered if she was ever that carefree and tried to remember the last time she had been that happy. She couldn't, and she envied the little beach babes on the wall. _What do they know that I don't?_

Just then, she heard the front door being unlocked making her jump.

Jacob walked in looking surprised to see her up and by the door.

"Oh, hey! I thought you'd be laying down or something."

"Ugh, laying down's the last thing I want to do," she said, with uneasy humor, her hand over her stomach.

Jacob chuckled, "I told you to lay off the chorizo, man. You never listen."

"I know, I know," and turned back to the painting. She was about to ask about it.

"You like it?" he asked, referring to the mural.

"Yeah, I really do. Did this come with the house?"

"Nah, no way. Leah painted it," he said, his eyes scanning the wall in admiration.

Something about that made Bella uneasy.

"Leah painted this? She's here?"

"Well, no, I mean she was. She finished school last semester and is working somewhere in California, um, Carmel, I think. She comes back to visit once in a while."

Bella suddenly didn't have as much affection for the painting as she did. "I bet you miss her."

Jacob was slightly taken aback. "Uh, yeah I guess. I mean, she calls and stuff and comes over for like, a week or two, sometimes. It's good to see someone from home."

Bella felt confused by Jacob's reaction. _He sure doesn't seem very broken up about not seeing her much. That's weird._

"So you're okay with not seeing her very much?"

Jacob looked really confused now. "Uh, well I..._huh_? I'm sorry, Bells, I'm just not following."

Bella shook her head, "Nevermind, it's none of my business. That's between you and your - Leah."

With raised eyebrows, he said, "O-kay," dragging out the _O_.

He then clapped his hands and rubbed them together anxiously, "So, what do we want to do today?" he asked, grinning intently.

"Uh, I don't know. This is your town, or island, I should say. What do you recommend?"

"Well we should probably start you off slow, huh?"

"Slow's good, slow's real good," Bella agreed.

"Okay, well how bout a drive. We'll just hit the highway and keep going till you see a place you want to check out."

Bella smiled at the ease of it all. She could tell she was going to like it here.

"Sounds great, I'm easy," and turned to go get ready.

Jacob chuckled to himself.

Bella was walking toward Jacob's room when she heard him laugh, "What's so funny?" she asked, an amused smile spread across her face.

"You. Nothing about you is _easy_," he said, joking.

"Oh, hush!" Bella said, and grabbed the apple that remained on the dining room table, giggling as she threw it across the room at him. But her aim was off. The apple headed straight toward a nearby lamp making Bella gasp, but Jacob effortlessly grabbed it out of thin air with as much ease as though he plucked it from a tree, and took a large bite out of it, grinning all the while.

He winked at her and her stomach fluttered unexpectedly. _She could tell, this was indeed going to be an interesting day_.

* * *

_**A/N:** Okay, I have to admit - the last paragraph makes me think of the book cover of Twilight (the one with hands holding the apple). The Twilight cover imagery is supposed to represent "forbidden fruit" and the "the knowledge of good and evil" according to one source, but I always felt it more specifically represented Edward and the vampires and what life with them would mean - biting off more than you can chew. So, it made me smile and gave me some kind of perverse satisfaction to have Jacob take a big ole bite out of it. LOL I loved the feeling so much I kept it in the story. (~~~Special thanks to Jakejunkie for helping me fix what was broken in this chapter. It takes a village don't it lol. Thanks for being there!~~~) There's more of Jake and Bells to come. The next chapter will be very illuminating. :D_

* * *

_Visit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi at www.. /pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm!… Come visit me there if you dare!_

***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


	22. Confessions

_**A/N:**__ Thanks for sticking with me, guys :) Now, let's get the show on the road already!_

* * *

**Confessions**

_What should I wear?_ Bella wondered.

_A tank top and shorts seem appropriate. I mean, we're just going for a drive, right?_

She lifted up one shirt and then another comparing them side-by-side. Both were very pretty and neither were exactly her taste, but then again she didn't buy them and would never have been able to even if she wanted it - not on her salary, which was nonexistent at the moment. She looked at the tags that dangled conspicuously, as though they were dying to be seen by someone, maybe everyone.

"Alice," Bella muttered, shaking her head. "Even your casual everyday clothes are Versace?" she muttered, incredulously.

There was a light knock on the door.

"Bella?"

"Yes, I'm almost ready, Jake. Uh, should I wear something specific?"

"Nah, it doesn't matter what you wear. It's Hawaii, girl, just wear what's comfortable. But uh, bring only what you plan to carry. It's not really a good idea to leave stuff in your car over here."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. Thieves. It's sorta bad in some places."

"Oh, okay. I'll just be a minute, then," she answered.

While Alice's high-end fashion wear was fine for now, Bella decided that one of these days she was going shopping to buy her own clothes.

Donning a ponytail and sporting white shorts with a loose floral print top by someone named Joie – _whoever that was_ - Bella emerged ready and in good spirits.

"Okay, let's go," she said with some excitement.

They were taking a different car this time, a red Jeep Wrangler with a soft, tan-colored top. Although she wasn't sure of the year it didn't look like a newer model but it's condition made it look practically new - thanks to Jacob's handiwork no doubt. There didn't seem to be a blemish or mar anywhere. The red paint shined brightly in the sun.

"Nice," Bella said. "Yours?"

"Yeah, how could you tell?" he asked genuinely surprised.

Bella smirked, "Lucky guess, I suppose. It just seems like something you'd have."

Jacob scoffed, "Yeah I guess it's not all that practical with gas being so high but I really like it. I don't get to drive it much 'cause in Haleiwa everything's within walking distance. It's too easy to just walk where you want to go or take the bus around the island, but when I do need it, it's nice to have a ride of my own. Becca's got the only other car and she depends on it. Besides, this baby's a V6 with a 3.8L engine with 4-wheel drive and the best all-terrain tires I could find. She's not new but with all the work I've done on her she might as well be. This sweetheart can maneuver on just about any kind of trail or stream," he said proudly, lovingly patting the hood. "Go on, hop in."

The wheels were so big that Bella had to take a huge step up to climb into the jeep. She was fastening her seatbelt when she took in Jacob's words. She looked at her clothes again and began to fret.

Jacob's huge body slinked into the driver's seat with ease. The whole jeep shook underneath them as he settled in. He took in the expression on her face and his face fell, "What's wrong?"

"Uh, we're not doing any off-roading today are we?" she asked, tugging at her immaculate, yet stylish outer wear.

He laughed, "No, no, no, I wouldn't do that to ya. Maybe someday, when you're ready for it."

"Oh, good," Bella breathed. "So, what _are_ we going to do then?"

"I thought I'd take you around the island to some hot scenic spots. All touristy of course, nothing risque, just get your feet wet. You up for that?"

"Yeah, sounds great," she said with enthusiasm. "How long does that kind of tour take?"

"If we don't stop much and drive like we're back home, around 4 hours. If we do things on Hawaiian time - a couple of days," he chuckled.

"Really?"

"It all depends. It's good to be flexible because if you hit Honolulu at rush hour, all bets are off. But for our purposes today we'll bypass it and come out and up on the windward side. Maybe go see a plantation or two. Would you like that?"

"Yeah, let's go," she smiled. Bella had no idea what the windward side was but she trusted his judgment.

Jacob hadn't seen Bella smile genuinely in a long time and he was happy to see it. She seemed content and in good spirits and she wore the bright colors in her clothes well, but he knew underneath her exterior, a shadow was lurking underneath. He was determined not to even think about that today. It was "Jake and Bells on the road again," and he wasn't going to let a little thing like the past interfere with that.

"Here we go."

* * *

They drove out of Paalaa Lane onto Kamehameha Hwy going south. Jacob had something special in mind but he wanted to save it for last, as a surprise. They continued to drive southeast, passing one lush emerald hill after the next. It was a pretty calm drive. They didn't have to be anywhere by a certain time so it was very relaxed, a good day to drive with lots of country to look at on the way to Honolulu, but Honolulu would have to be explored another day. There were no schedules, no itinerary. Just them and the road and wherever it led.

First up was the Dole Plantation where they toured the actual plantation itself, chatted with the owners, watched a demonstration and much to Bella's delight, ate freshly made pineapple ice cream, which they both agreed was really amazing. The largest maze in the world is at the Dole Plantation and although Bella was tempted to try it, she opted to check it out at a later date.

Next, they stopped off in Mililani and did some shopping. Bella saw a couple of clothing stores and was anxious to see her options, especially in the swimsuit section. Somehow, the Gucci swimwear Alice packed for her just wasn't her style, it also didn't look like it was designed to ever get wet, an irony that wasn't lost on Bella. After what Jacob thought was the shortest shopping trip by any woman he'd ever seen, Bella found a simple one-piece and a tankini, as well as a few colorful sarongs or pareo as it was labeled on the sign. Bella found a beautiful peach and cream colored silk sarong that someone had left already tied up. As she fumbled with the material trying to figure out how it went on, it fell apart and unraveled before her eyes. She had no idea how to tie one and hadn't seen how it was tied before it self-destructed, so she opted to put it back when Jacob saw her dilemma.

"Here," he said, taking the flimsy material and wrapped it around her body over her clothes. Within seconds he was twisting the loose ends in front of her and tying the ends off behind her neck. She looked at the creation in the mirror and appreciated what a stunning job he did and how the colors set off her skin tone.

"Oh, that is so cool," she exclaimed. "It looks so simple too, but I know it's going to take me a few tries to get it right."

"It takes a little practice but it's hard to do it wrong. There's probably over a couple of dozen ways to tie these things. Good thing, huh, 'cause the law of averages say at some point you're bound to get it accidentally right," he chuckled.

She laughed and agreed.

"Show me how you did that again," she asked.

Jacob considered that for a second. "I'll tell you what, let's try a different one. Mmmaybe, the Tahaa style."

"How do you say that?"

"TaHA-ah."

"Oh, okay." Bella stood still with her arms extended out to her sides ready to be re-wrapped.

Jacob reached behind her and wrapped the fabric around her back, tying it off up front at her chest, snug above her breasts. Being so close, she could feel his heat radiating off of him. He then took the remaining bit of fabric hanging down and folded it until it resembled a pleat and then tucked the top of the fabric into the same place where he tied it off before, above her breasts. His fingers easily and tenderly tucked the fabric inside. As he did, his fingers slowly brushed against her skin all along the length of the top edge as he made sure the fabric was anchored securely. His hands being where they were and feeling the way he felt, overwhelmed her senses. She couldn't move and for a couple of seconds forgot to breathe, but her heart was beating loud and clear.

He then straighted out the rest of the pleat that lay in front and felt around the rest of the fabric, touching her at her waist, then hips, straightening and smoothing any bunched areas and wrinkles, lightly feeling her form.

"There," he said, his eyes smoldered, "You look beautiful."

Bringing herself out of her stunned state, she smiled a hazy smile and said, "Thank you."

She turned to look in the mirror and admired his handiwork. She turned sideways, this way and that, arching her back to allow a better view, and said, "Not bad, not bad at all and _the sarong looks good, too_." She arched her eyebrow a centimeter, giving him a sideways glance and smiled as if to say, _I know what you did._

He suppressed a chuckle. _Boy, is it hot in here or what?_ he thought, blushing. It seems he wasn't as smooth as he thought he was.

* * *

With purchases in hand, they loaded up in the jeep and were on their way again.

Jacob stayed true to his word and bypassed Honolulu, but by doing so he would have to backtrack in order to get to their next destination, which was no hardship. They weren't in a hurry and they enjoyed each other's company. They were having fun talking about the pack and the bountiful cornucopia of troubles Quil and Embry had gotten each other into. Some things never change.

As they left the city behind them, the trees grew more and more dense until it was just a mass of green everywhere Bella looked. As they got further into the green, she grew more quiet. She wasn't worried or tense anymore, she was awestruck. They pulled up to a parking spot at Nu'uanu Pali Lookout, parked and walked over to the viewing area. Jacob warned her of the winds and how it sometimes knocks people over but she didn't care. She needed to experience this place outside of the comfort of the jeep.

As soon as she stepped outside, she quickly regretted her choice in clothing. The wind showed no mercy and took no time in blowing her billowy shirt around, so much so, she had to hold it down for fear of losing it. Jacob was there in an instant with an oversized beach towel and wrapped it around her. Something she never thought to consider was how cold it could get there. At 1000 feet above the coastline, the air itself wasn't extremely cold but when enough of it blows against you, relentlessly, it seems to whisk away every bit of warmth you have. Even though she continued to shiver, she was at least glad for the towel.

Jacob standing beside her, saw her discomfort and asked, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. The towel really helps." She knew he could warm her instantly, all he had to do was hold her and all she had to do was ask. But she wasn't going to. She already felt beholden to him. He's already done so much for her, more than anyone had any right to expect. Warming her seemed like such a little thing but it was just one more thing. She wasn't helpless and didn't need to be coddled. She could certainly endure a little cold for a little while. The view was worth it.

Jacob, too, was at odds with himself. He wanted to offer her something but wasn't sure what or how much. He wasn't sure how to proceed. They weren't a couple, weren't dating and he had no idea how long she'd be there. Although they were obviously friends and have a history, he didn't feel like they could pick up where they left off as if nothing happened. Just what _were_ the rules for a renewed friendship?

He could tell she was enjoying herself at least. The views overlooking the Ko'olau range were extraordinary. He's seen it many times and it never ceased to amaze him. He always got a kick out of watching someone he cared about see it for the first time.

A plaque nearby told the story of the site's significance, and how King Kamehameha won the Battle of Nu'uanu, which united Oahu under his rule. During the battle, many soldiers' lives were lost as they were forced off of Pali's cliffs to their deaths.

After reading this aloud, Jacob said solemnly, "It doesn't matter where you are or what it's about does it? War is hell."

Bella nodded in agreement.

They both thought back to the day of the battle with the newborns but neither were willing to talk about it yet. Jacob, who had his arms crossed over his chest, lowered his hand to his side. Bella instinctively took it and they both continued to take in the moment together, silently. It wasn't flirtatious...no internal rumblings of lost love or those surging teenage hormones. They were veterans of a silent war, one that only a few on earth would ever know about. Something most wouldn't be able to relate to, unless they'd been through it.

* * *

A short while later, when Bella felt ready, they jumped back into the jeep and drove to their next destination. It was now mid afternoon and Bella was feeling peckish. Jacob, unsurprisingly, was famished. He decided to treat her to a couple of his Hawaiian windward side favorites. He knew of a place along Kahekili Highway that the locals loved. Bella was pretty unfamiliar with most of the menu items so she left it up to Jacob to order. He ordered the pork lau lau and Ahi limu poke. Bella had eaten sushi before but wasn't used to raw fish in this form, however, the taste quickly won her over.

Feeling once again refreshed, they hopped back into their ride and began winding their way north, back to Haleiwa. It was an eventful afternoon and Bella was beginning to tire. She didn't think she had any more _tourist spots_ in her.

They stayed on Kamehameha, following it as it traversed along the North Shore coast of Oahu. The views were beautiful and at times it was hard to discern one beach from the other, but there were significant differences as it turns out. Some were rocky, some seemed to be nothing but sand. Some seemed to go on forever and looked deserted while some were so populated they were hidden from view by towering condos and hotels. Even the water looked different at different places. She wasn't sure she was up for anything as strenuous as surfing or kayaking, but the turquoise-colored water was so inviting it made her want for nothing else. She wondered if Jacob would mind making a pit stop.

Just as she was about to ask, Jacob slowed his car, turned off the highway and pulled into a parking lot. The signs read, Waimea Bay Beach. "And here we are, our last stop on the tour. Are you up for it?"

Bella looked shocked, "You're kidding me. How did you know I wanted to go to the beach?"

Jacob smiled, ruefully, "I didn't really, but it's your first official day in Hawaii, I couldn't very well _not_ take you to one our beaches. It's like a rule or something," he teased.

Bella smiled and exhaled deeply. It was good being with Jacob again. She had missed their connection, it seemed almost supernatural at times. She had long stopped asking herself how Jacob just always seemed to sense what she needed. She appreciated it for the gift it was and was grateful to have it, now more than ever.

Jacob took out a straw mat and some towels along with a small cooler and they headed toward the shore. By the time they hit the sand Bella was smiling, she couldn't help it. Her feet sank into the warm deep sand as she walked, feeling its silky texture against her skin. It was all the therapy she needed. The constant crash of the waves, the sound of kids playing in the surf and the occasional cell phone chatter filled her ears. Flip flops, or slippers as they were called here, don't help much in the sand and she wound up walking barefoot the rest of the way.

As Jacob and Bella made their way through the throngs of people, dodging toy shovels and holes dug by little ones, Jacob saw a family of four packing up, leaving for the day. He quickly snagged the spot, which as it turned out was on the left side of the beach near a huge rock that extended out into the water. There were groups of people, of all ages, all around them on the beach and there was even a group of swimmers, some were little children, on top of the big rock, taking turns jumping off into the deep, blue drink.

"How high is that rock?" she asked.

"Around 30 feet, I think," Jacob said, laying the mat flat against the sand. He looked at her questioningly, "You wanna?" he asked, gesturing to the rock.

"No, not this time. I think I'm better off right here."

Jacob shook his head and smiled. After straightening and padding the mat with their towels, they sat down and got comfortable.

As Jacob relaxed he arched his back and cracked his bones.

Bella replied, "Wow, I don't think I've ever heard you creak like that."

Jacob laughed, "Yeah, guess I'm gettin' old."

Bella giggled, "_Yeah, _that must be it." She laughed because as far as she knew he literally wasn't getting any older.

Bella mused, _He's quite literally the same age, same build, same...height as he's...always_...

Then as quickly as she was about to think it, she realized something. The proverbial light bulb lit up over her head.

"You are!" she gasped. "You _are_ getting older aren't you?"

Jacob looked reflectively out into the water. A small grimace crossed his face. It was so slight that if she hadn't been staring at him so intently she would have missed it. "Yeah."

"I knew it. I knew there was something different about you when I saw you at the airport. You've gotten _shorter and you're getting older_."

"Well I'm not exactly short, I mean, 6'5 is still plenty tall, ya know," he said almost insulted, straightening his back a little.

"Jacob, what's going on? Does this mean you've...what does this mean? _You've stopped changing?_"

Jacob took a grayish-white seashell no bigger than a quarter he had been absentmindedly playing with and threw it into the surf. It landed with a kerplunk sound. Looking around them to make sure no one would accidentally hear them, he said, "Yes. I haven't _changed_ in years, not since I moved here."

Bella's mouth hung open.

"What? It's not the end of the world. It's not like anyone was depending on me to be a...what I am. I only needed it when I was back home and now that I'm here, I don't need it. Not too many bloodsuckers here, _as you know._" He threw another shell into the water.

_"Bloodsuckers"...I guess we're back to the names again,_ she thought.

A familiar hardness shadowed his face once again as he avoided her glare, staring instead into the waves, as if there were answers there. He rested his arms on his knees. Maybe it was time for their little talk finally. The one they've both been avoiding since she arrived.

Bella mirrored his position, sitting with her knees up and hugging them while facing the water. Shells of all sizes were littered around them and she picked up a few, examining them, cleaning the dirt off.

"So, what's going on, Jake?" she asked. "Billy tells me you haven't been back home to visit." Bella threw her first shell toward the water not getting anywhere near it.

"That's right."

"Why's that?"

"I've got my reasons," he said, his jaw clinched.

Bella glimpsed it before going back to her shell cleaning. "Okay."

"Sooo...you're not married," he said matter-of-factly.

Bella grimaced slightly, it was her turn to feel uncomfortable. "Nope."

"Why's that?"

"I've got my reasons." That's all she would say.

They both continued to avoid each other's glances, but when their eyes accidentally met, they burst out in giggles.

"It's complicated, okay," she said.

"Same here."

"Look, we can talk about - well just about anything else - just not that, okay?" she affirmed.

"Deal. _Same here_."

She nodded her head.

They turned to face each other, sitting in a cross-legged position, knees almost touching. They got comfortable because there was a lot of ground to cover.

"So, Bella Swan...how have you been? School going okay?"

"Yeah, I'm doing really well actually. I was kind've toying around with the idea of being a teacher at first. I've already got the credits for it but I've also thought about social work, too. I can't decide," she said smiling.

"It's good to have choices, huh?" he smirked.

Bella returned the smirk, "Yeah it is. So what about you? A big, bad diving instructor, huh? Where'd that come from?"

Jacob shrugged, "Kimo owns a shop, he needed some part-time help. That, ended up turning into full-time work, and the rest is history.

"I could have sworn you would have turned into some kind of big-shot amazing mechanic or something. You really had a knack for it," Bella said.

"Things change. If I hadn't left home that's probably what I would have done. I still work on cars and stuff, mostly just mine and Becca's, and the occasional jet ski repair, but once Kimo started showing me the biz; diving, surfing, Sea-Doos, I was hooked." He became so animated, all the tension from before was gone.

"That's great, Jake, I'm happy for you. It sounds like everything's going good for you here." There was one aspect left to ask about and she was dying to know it, once and for all. "So, are you and Leah, you know, _you-and-Leah?"_

"Huh? No way. Why would you ask that?"

The fog had finally lifted from her head and she was suddenly able to see a little clearer. "Oh, I don't know, I just got that impression is all." She couldn't let him know that she had seen them at the airport all those years ago, there was simply no good explanation for her being there. "Had you guys ever been..."

"No," he chuckled. "_Leah?_ That's just – _ew._" He scrunched up his face like he tasted something bad.

Bella threw her hands up in a questioning manner, "What's wrong with Leah? She's gorgeous and she's a wol..." Bella stopped the slip before it came out. "She's one of you guys," she corrected. "It makes sense."

"Pffshh, on paper, maybe. But in reality...I've just never seen Leah _that_ way and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual," he chuckled.

_Oh my freaking Lord,_ Bella thought, amused at her own stupidity. All this time she had been completely and totally wrong.

"What's going on, Bells? Why all the questions about Leah?"

"So, Quil and Embry are up to their old tricks, huh? Like what? What have they done lately?" Her blatant attempt to change the subject didn't go unnoticed but Jacob decided to let it go this time.

Jacob told her all about the Terrible Twosome's latest exploits, a few of which would have curled Chief Swan's hair if he ever got wind of it, and regaled her with a few of his own stories, mishaps in both the work and romance departments.

"So you're not dating anyone now?" she asked.

"I didn't say that. I just said I'm not getting married anytime soon. So what about you? How's your sex life been, Swan?"

"Jacob!" She tried to slap his arm but he jerked back avoiding it, giggling at himself. "Well? You didn't answer the question."

"I don't think you really _want_ to know the answer and if you do, I don't think _I_ _want_ to answer it!"

"Well I asked, didn't I? Believe me, Bells, I don't need a play-by-play. I just wondered if you two were..._compatible_."

Bella shook her head and grew quiet.

"You really want to know this?"

He braced himself, he had no idea what to expect but the morbidly curious side of him wanted to know even if the rest of him wasn't sure. "Sure."

Bella looked away, surprised to be answering this question, but he actually did seem ready to hear it. She thought she would have felt sad when talking about Edward but she didn't. Here in this setting, with the sound of life all around her and Jacob Black sitting directly opposite her, it was hard to feel bad about anything.

"It was good, I mean, not at first. _Eventually_. It was awkward at first, I won't lie. Even though we lived together, we didn't do it for a long time. Aside from being scared for my safety, he had this 'no sex without marriage' worry hanging over our heads, yada yada yada. Well, he eventually got over it."

Jacob took it in stride. "Bells, you and I have never really talked about this, but were you a... uh..." he arched his eyebrows up as he looked at her hoping for some recognition.

"Was I uh...? Oh! Uh, yeah I was, we both were actually." Jacob looked surprised at her inclusion of Edward in that statement. "Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, believe it or not he was a virgin, too. But since none of them have ever been with a human after they were turned they didn't know what to expect, so just to be safe we had to use, uh, well we took – _precautions_ – aaand...you know what, I changed my mind. That's all I'm going to say, so there," she laughed uncomfortably.

"That's okay, that's about all I care to hear," he said with distaste. The idea of the kind of _precautions_ one would have to take in order to have sex with a marble-textured, cold-skinned vampire boggled Jacob's mind. Images of body gear, the kind the SWAT team uses, muzzles and condoms made of tires colored his imagination. He shivered with disgust and really regretted asking now. _I wanted to know, that's what I get_, he thought, shaking his head_._

"Alrighty, then," Bella said.

After a moment or two of silence, Jacob said, "You wanna go for a swim?"

Bella looked up in time to see yet another child jump from the big rock into the water. Everyone around them was having so much fun. She realized it was time for a little fun, too.

"Yeah, sure."

"Awesome!" and smiled his trademark happy smile.

Bella and Jacob walked back to the jeep to get their suits. Once Bella retrieved it she asked, "Where can I change?"

"You can change right here."

Bella looked around, "Here? _Here_, right here?"

Jacob chuckled, "Yeah, lotsa people change out by their cars. It saves time and as long as you're discreet about it, no one cares. Look, let me show you."

Jacob held his door open to allow for some cover and stood in the open gap between the door and the car, then he had Bella strategically hold a towel in place to keep the rest of him from view. He quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure the coast was clear and within a matter of a few seconds had taken off his shirt and cargo shorts. Before Bella could register where he was in the process, he was already pulling up his swim trunks and tying it off at the waist. She couldn't believe she was doing this but she glanced down to his body and felt her eyes rest on his stomach, then the inner slope of his waist, all the way down to his...

She jerked her head back so forcefully she almost made herself dizzy.

Jacob noticed her wobble, "Are you all right?" he asked.

Bella took a deep breath and said, "Getting better."

* * *

**A/N**: As always, a special thanks to my prereader, Jakejunkie, for your excellent suggestions. Keep the ideas coming, girl!

_Disclaimer, the characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephanie Meyer. References to films, places, automotive references, designer names, and/or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this._

***_Visit my Facebook page and "Like" or just say hi! pages/Joanne-Swift/148134398561300?v=wall&ref=sgm***_


	23. Karma's a bitch

**A/N:** _Whichever way you intend to celebrate it, I want you all to have a wonderful, safe and worry-free holiday. I know, "worry-free" right? Well, maybe sometimes the reason things are so hectic is because we make it that way - by worrying about useless things. I know in these economic times, it's hard to keep a stiff upper lip. It was for us two years ago. We were very low on money, we didn't have much to celebrate with, but I knew that my fiance and I should set the tone and be as festive as possible with what we had. If we didn't it would all fall through the cracks. We had to make due and when it was all over, my little one said, "It was one of the best Christmases ever'" and wished for it to be like that again. __Since my fiance and I viewed it as almost a failure_ because we didn't have splendid decorations or dozens of gifts, it was shocking to hear that. We were amazed and feel very blessed. Also, and I can't stress this enough, it would be wonderful if some of you could volunteer your money and/or your time to those less fortunate. What goes around comes around after all! ;) _Happy Holidays my devoted ones_ and stay safe :D

* * *

**Karma's a bitch**

After romping around for an hour in the warm Pacific water that was as blue as any water she had ever seen, Bella was exhausted. She and Jacob sloshed back to their waiting towels and plopped down on top of them. The sun had escaped the day, and was quickly falling into the sea.

Bella was breathing heavily as she lay on the towel looking up into the sky that was changing colors by the second. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen a sunset like this. Maybe she had never seen one like this. The colors were beyond belief. As the sun sank lower past the water's edge, the sky that had once been a sky blue, had now evolved into a shade of lapis, merging on indigo. The sun was a different story altogether - an explosion of color, ranging from yellow to orange to a shade so dark she couldn't name it, all in layers that blended together seamlessly, setting fire to the clouds above it. The clouds, billowy remains of a sudden rain shower that had come and gone, were now animated shades of burnt orange and red with fuchsia peeking in at the corners. The tops of the clouds, devoid of any light, looked ominous and out of place but vigilant nevertheless; a visual reminder that darkness and light always seem to go together. She looked at the changing colors and fading light as though she were seeing more than just colors and light.

_How could something so simple be so complex?_ Bella could have been referring to her life thus far. She could also have been referring specifically to her romantic life. She could even have been referring to the sunset itself, and how it represented change and how the only constant in life _is_ change. Or perhaps she was referring to all of it and how watching a simple sunset could make her think about so many things in different ways, things she never had time to think about before. She was intrigued with the things she thought of in the silence of her mind.

"You sure you don't want to jump?" Jacob asked referring to the nearby rock. His question brought her back to reality.

While there seemed to be a steady stream of jumpers during the time they were there, the number of kids waiting their turn had decreased dramatically. Everyone was going home. In fact, the entire beach's population had sunk to only a handful of people now. The heat of the day had passed and she could feel a shift in temperature as the wind blew against her wet skin.

"Maybe next time," she smiled in a consoling way.

"The Bella I remember would have jumped in a heartbeat," he said in jest.

She thought about that for a second and darkness fell across her face.

"That Bella's gone I'm afraid," she said soberly.

Jacob sat up and began to towel himself off. "Why do you say that?"

She shrugged as she remembered the LaPush cliffs that she had jumped from and her state of mind at the time. This prompted her to remember the darkest period in her life. A time when she felt unwanted, unloved and desperate to the point of recklessness; all to desperately hear her Edward's voice, even if it wasn't real. She knew now his reasons for leaving, but that time in her life was the beginning of her trust issues with him..._the crack in the teacup._ She loved him enough for a lifetime but it wasn't enough to fix it. All their best intentions weren't enough, either. She would always love him in a way, she felt sure of this. But she was equally sure she did the right thing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

In spite of her beautiful surroundings, she indulged these sad feelings if only for a moment. Running from Demetri, Edward is off who knows where for who knows how long, but broken relationship or not she didn't want him hurt. She hated the thought of something happening to him and wondered where he was and if he was okay…hoping he was safe.

Jacob watched as Bella's eyes closed and a single tear rolled down her temple. For a moment he was speechless, then decided to get up and take some of their things back to the jeep, giving her a moment to herself.

He remembered what he was like when he first came here, fresh from leaving Washington and his entire life behind. The first few weeks were like this for him, too - mopey and distracted. Rebecca told him several times that he would eventually get over Bella and move on, but he didn't believe it and didn't want to hear it. But she was right. There eventually came a time when he didn't think about Bella as much and keeping busy helped him to not think about her at all.

_Maybe that's what Bella needs._ _Maybe a job would keep her distracted,_ he thought, scheming.

He quickly changed into his clothes and walked back to Bella who was now sitting up. "How ya doin'?" he asked.

She sniffed and periodically dabbed at her eyes. "Better thanks," she smiled politely. The wind continued to blow, making her regret still being in her damp suit. She shivered and looked around her for a dry towel and found one, quickly wrapping it around herself. She watched as the tide inched closer and closer to them.

Bella seemed awfully small to Jacob right now. She had deflated some in just these few minutes.

While Bella remained seated, Jacob continued to stand. He put his hands in his pockets and enjoyed the hypnotic effects of the waves.

"You know," he said, "the first day I came to Oahu, I snitched Rebecca's car and disappeared for a while."

"You did?"

"Yeah. Boy, was she mad," Jacob chuckled.

Bella looked at him questioningly.

"She was fussing over me," he explained. "I had only been here a couple of hours and she was asking me question after question, getting all up in my business. She kept trying to mother me. Smother me is more like it. I wasn't ready to deal with that yet. She had questions I didn't have answers to," he said calmly. "I won't lie, it was rough. Really rough in the beginning."

Bella felt herself burn and grimaced, "I'm sorry, Jacob," she said, feeling guilty.

"It's all right, Bells. I can't blame you for loving someone...and I don't. Besides, that was years ago. The reason I'm bringing all this up is 'cause when I first got here and got tired of driving around in circles, _this_ was the first place I stopped. I got out and stayed...for hours and hours. This was where I saw my first Hawaiian sunset, right here…and 12 hours later, my first sunrise."

"Yeah, but did you cry and make a fool of yourself?"

"Like a baby," he admitted. "Well maybe not a baby, I mean you know..._a manly baby,_" he said in a much deeper voice.

Bella laughed, which was the response Jacob was hoping for.

"It gets easier, Bella. I promise."

She smiled, believing him. "Thank you, Jacob."

She pushed herself off the mat onto her feet, still clinging to her makeshift blanket and wrapped her arms around him in a hug. His long arms engulfed her making her feel tiny. She felt good being wrapped up in his arms. His tremendous heat, although a few degrees cooler than he used to be, continued to burn hot against her, as his huge body shielded her from the wind. He rested his cheek against the top of her head and began to gently thrum his fingers against her back, consolingly. After a few moments, something happened to make his hand stop mid rhythm. He could hear an increasing heart beat, it seemed to skip a beat in its hurry to beat faster. The beat was louder than the roar of the waves. It wasn't her heartbeat. It was his. Bella's scent, coupled with her in his arms, warm and holding onto him lovingly, churned something inside of him, something he thought long dead.

Bella stirred, slowly turning her head upwards. She moved cautiously. She locked eyes with his and both their expressions went blank as they felt the same urge at the same time. Bella tilted her head upward as Jacob moved his face to hers.

Inches away, Jacob uttered something under his breath, "Bella, I've...I've got a girlfriend," he said, pulling back a fraction.

Bella blinked her eyes and looked away in shock. "Uh, oh…Oh," she gasped and suddenly backed away. She recovered enough to say, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me. You have a girlfriend. I don't know why I didn't ask, I guess I just...assumed…" she said looking confused.

Jacob continued to look guilty and flabbergasted. "I should have told you before-"

"No, no, don't worry about it. It's good…we're good...congratulations. She's a very lucky girl," she said, still clearly embarrassed.

Jacob smiled uncomfortably and put his hands back into his pockets taking another step back, while Bella wrapped the towel tighter around herself. Jacob took the hint and being just five miles from the house, suggested they head for home.

* * *

After they took their respective showers, things continued to remain awkward, so neither one brought up the beach or what almost happened. Kimo came home with some groceries and cooked dinner for the three of them and Bella had fun trying to decipher his pidgin. Kimo eventually took pity on her and spoke as plainly as any mainlander, using his "tourist-friendly voice" as he calls it. He usually reserved the pidgin for islanders anyway.

Bella offered to help clear the table and clean the dishes and Kimo appreciated the offer, letting her dry while he washed. Once things were in a presentable state again, Kimo headed off to bed. Bella said to Jacob, "Well it's getting late, I'd better go to sleep, too. Are you sure you don't want your bed back, Jake? I could sleep on the couch, it's no problem."

"Don't be silly. The couch is extra-long and way more comfortable than it looks. Do you want to sit up and talk a little while?"

"Um, sure, but I thought you said earlier you were going into work tomorrow to get your schedule for next week?"

"It's no biggie. I can get there whenever. Besides, Rebecca should be in soon and I can help you get reacquainted since you're gonna be here a while."

"Yeah, we keep missing each other, don't we?" Bella smiled and sat down on the couch next to him.

"So, Rebecca's a nurse now," she said. "Huh. Yeah, you know, I wouldn't have figured that," Bella laughed. "She was always so...so..."

"Bossy? Rude? Opinionated?"

"Um, yeah," Bella said carefully.

"She still is. But she knows her stuff and keeps everyone in her department in line. Even the doctors are scared of her."

Bella laughed. "And Rachel was always the shy one, right? How's she doing?"

"She's great. She finished Washington State and is a full-fledged computer geek now, accredited, of course," Jacob smiled.

"That's great, Jake. Billy must be so proud of his kids..._All_ of them." Bella nudged Jacob's knee.

"Yeah, he's one proud papa all right. And what about your dad? I hear he's liking on someone now," Jacob smiled.

Bella did a double take. "He what? He is? I didn't know that!"

"You didn't? How could you not know that?"

"He never told me he was seeing someone. Are you sure?"

"Well, yeah, I think I'm sure. That's what pop says anyway...says the Chief's really, _and I quote_, "warm for her form," Jacob laughed.

"Ugh!"

"Oh. Guess you didn't want to know that much, huh."

"Ya think?" Bella exhaled sharply, "I still don't know why he didn't say anything to me. What do you know about her?"

Jacob shrugged his shoulders, "Just that she's new to the department, blond, divorced...a couple of kids, I think."

_Kids? Oh crap_, Bella thought. This woman didn't sound like anyone Bella knew at the department and certainly no one that her dad had mentioned in their phone calls. _Why wouldn't he tell me about this?_

"I'm sure it's okay, Bells. You knew your _little man_ was gonna grow up and start dating sooner or later," he said condescendingly, patting her hand.

"Oh, ha ha. _I am so not amused._"

"Yeah I see that. Okay, so he got a life while you were at school. Good for him! In case you were wondering, that's actually a _good thing_."

"Jacob, he kept her a secret from me. I don't know anything about her. Why am I the last to know? Is he going to marry her? Is he married already? _And kids?_ _How old are they?_ What in the world is he thinking about, raising more kids - at his age? He's an old man for crying out loud!"

Jacob looked shocked, "He's only like, 40-something, Bella. I don't think he's ready for the nursing home _just_ yet."

"Still," she said pouting.

Jacob stifled a laugh at her expense.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing. It's cute seeing you so overprotective."

"Glad I amuse you," she said.

"You're being childish you know. Dad says the Chief seems happy. You should be happy for him."

Bella sat quietly and brooded. She hated to admit it but she did feel childish. Her dad had been alone for so long, she never had to share him before. Plus, he was never a guy, he was just her dad. He never expressed any desire to date and as far as she knew that part of his life was over. But now that he was diving head first into the dating pool, she would have to think of him in a whole new light - the new and improved Charlie Swan – Forks, Washington's most eligible bachelor and…_Resident Hottie?_ Bella cringed at the thought.

They continued to chat more about all their old friends and acquaintances, and about the pack members and who paired up with who. Jacob told Bella about Quil surviving Claire going to school and how for the first few days he kept hanging around the building worried about her, until the cops told him to go home.

"Poor Quil," Bella chuckled.

"Yeah, she's quite the heartbreaker, too. She's already got a boyfriend."

"A boyfriend? She's only 6."

"Yeah. Quil doesn't approve. Says she's 'too young for that nonsense,'" using air quotes.

Bella laughed. While they were reminiscing, Rebecca came home from work. She had gotten her shift back and was getting home at a decent enough time again.

"Oh, hello," she said when she spotted them on the couch.

"Hey Rebecca," Bella said brightly.

"I thought you two would be asleep," said Rebecca curtly. She turned around and placed her purse and keys on the stand by the door, taking care to place her shoes neatly beside the other slippers.

Rebecca didn't say another word. She bypassed them, went straight into the kitchen, took some yogurt from the fridge and headed for bed. "Well, goodnight," she said with an insincere smile.

"Good night," Bella said, looking puzzled. Jacob said good night as well but with as much sincerity as Rebecca's rebuff.

Bella didn't say anything.

"She, uh, she takes a little warming up to," Jacob said. "She's kinda like that old truck of yours. You gotta let her idle a while if you want her to run right." Jacob could have phrased that better but after thinking about it he realized he couldn't.

"I get the feeling she hates me. True or false?"

He scrunched up his face, "Well, hate's a..._really_ strong word...it's more like..."

"Jacob."

"Hate, about covers it yeah, but not in the strict sense of the word. I mean, she wouldn't let you die a horrible agonizing death, for example." He scrunched up his face. _Oh boy._

"Well, that's something I guess," she chortled uncomfortably. "So I'm guessing the source of her disdain is she knows everything about...well _everything_?"

"Sorta. I mean she knows you and I were, uh...Well she knows that you and Edward were engaged. From there it gets complicated."

Bella looked at him to coax more information.

"Becca knows you and I were _close_ and that you picked him. She got an eyeful at Sam and Em's wedding and taking what little info dad and Sue had told her, she jumped to her own conclusions. And as far as knowing about the Cullens, and the pack, that's a tough question. As you know, the council opted not to tell family members who weren't on the council or in the pack about the pack. We tried to keep our secret as quiet as possible. But that wasn't realistic. It seemed like every week some other kid was phasing, some as young as 12 and 13. So Sam and I talked about it with the elders and we decided that since so many kids were affected and the pack was getting bigger, and people were beginning to talk anyway, that we'd loosen the restrictions. Immediate family members _you're living with_ can now be told the secret. It's been easier all the way around and gets the school and health officials off our backs. Word started getting around that all these kids were missing school because of 'mono' and 'mysterious fevers,' so we figured this was the only way to squash some rumors. The families have agreed to home-school their kids and show up around town once in a while looking healthy and normal. Since I came to live here and since I wasn't at all sure what the future held for me, I told Rebecca and Kimo."

"And?"

"Kimo digs it, I'm not sure he really believes it but Polynesians are very accepting of the spirit world and all. He accepts that_ I_ believe it and that's enough for him.

"And Rebecca?"

"She doesn't believe me."

"She didn't believe you? How could she not? Didn't you change in front of her?"

"I could have, but I made a promise to myself to not change anymore, for any reason. All I was obligated to do was tell her and I did it. She chose not to believe and it's her right. Dad said not to push, so I didn't push. That's that."

"But she knows all the stories?"

"Sure, the same way all us kids heard it growing up. But it was just stories, ya know. No one really believed it. I mean, why would we? Do you believe in the tooth fairy? Leprechauns? Santa Claus?"

"Well no but in your case, it's true."

"Yeah but we didn't know that. It's an origin story, every tribe has them. We all hear it at a young age but we don't take them literally. _At least we didn't_."

"Maybe it's good in a way - that she doesn't believe it, I mean," Bella said.

"Yeah. She and Rach aren't affected by it but they're carriers of the gene. It will pass onto their children, but it'll lie dormant as long as those blood..._the vampires_ don't return to Forks. As long as the vamps stay away, all the Quileute children will have a chance at a normal childhood. Eventually, it will all go back to the way it was."

"That's great but that also means eventually, it'll all just be stories around the campfire again. Will no one know what you boys and Leah did that day in the battle and everything you went through? Will no one ever know what you guys sacrificed?"

Jacob slowly let his eyes look away and shook his head just enough. "It will be told only to those in the pack. We're the only ones who will ever know it. It's for the best, Bella."

She started to reach for his hand but stopped herself. A silence fell between them that spoke volumes.

"Well, I think I'm done for the night," and patted his hand as she got off the couch. "I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"Okay. Good night."

Bella turned around quickly, "Oh by the way, when can I meet her?"

"Who?"

"Your girlfriend. I'd like to meet her some time."

Jacob's eyes grew wide, "Uh, I don't know, her schedule's pretty busy."

"Oh, well just let me know when's a good time. What's her name again?"

Jacob paused, it was the first name to come to mind but he knew he was going to regret it before he even said it, "Hina."

"Hina? Is she Hawaiian?"

"Yeah."

"Pretty name. What does it mean?"

"Uh, you know she's told me but I can't quite think of it right now."

"Well, it's nice," Bella said, trying to look encouraging. "Good night again." She turned around and went down the hall to Jacob's room.

Jacob remained seated on the couch, dumbfounded.

"_Well, fuck a duck,"_ he said under his breath.

* * *

[_The next day at the shop_]

Jacob had messed up. This was never more obvious than now because now he had to reveal the complexities of his relationship with Bella to Hina, something he never wanted to discuss before. While she was glad to finally know everything there was to know about his past, except of course anything vampire/werewolf related, she was surprised to now have a starring role in his drama. She took it better than he thought.

"You told her what!" Hina cried.

Jacob was pounding his forehead on the back of his hand that lay against the front desk. "I know...I know. I panicked!" he said in between pounds, shaking the whole desk. It made a low banging noise.

"How could you? … Why would you? … _We Are Not Dating, Jacob,_" she said firmly.

"Uh, I know this, Hina!" he spat back. He raised up to look at her. "I thought I was over her. I mean, yeah I still thought about her and wished things could have gone differently but I moved on. _She_ moved on. We both...UGH!" he barked and sank his head back down on top of his hand.

"What happened?" Hina asked.

Jacob shook his head still firmly planted to the desk. "I don't know," he said, muffled.

Exasperated, Hina grabbed his ear dragging him upward with force, "What happened?" she said stronger.

"Ow, okay, okay! We were at the beach, we were having a good time...it was innocent, I swear. Then she got upset and I tried to comfort her and then, WHAM! It was like...it was like someone jumpstarted me, that's what it was like."

Hina smiled, "Oh."

"Don't give me that!" he said annoyed and embarrassed.

"I still don't see the problem. She likes you, you like her...it's like, the oldest story in the world, Jake. What's the problem?"

"The problem is, I don't want it. I don't want to fall for her...not again. I've been down this road, Hina, I know where it leads. Hell, I've thrown myself down that road...and it was full of pot holes and thorns. Why would I want to go through that again?"

"So you told her _we're_ dating."

"Yeah. I mean I didn't really think it through, it just popped out."

"And she reacted, how?"

Jacob shook his head as he remembered, "I don't think she could have been more surprised if someone had shot her out of a cannon."

"Good," she smiled mischievously.

"What do you mean, 'good?'"

"It means, _Karma's a bitch, _Jacob, and_ so am I_. It would do that girl a world of good to get some of her own medicine. It also means, this is just the beginning. This should be fun," she smiled, rubbing her hands together.

This didn't bode well.

Jacob groaned and went back to pounding his head on the desk.

* * *

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***_Disclaimer: The characters setting and familiar situations belong to Stephenie Meyers. References to films, places or music also do no belong to me. No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making any monetary profit from this.***_


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